Afraid of love.
That is what she had always told herself she was. Her mind and soul had been broken by Adam, unable to love and be loved anymore. The brokenness of her soul had been the thing that had led to the events that had transcended during the Fall of Beacon, the memories of that exact moment still haunting her dreams; her heart hadn't been able to handle the guilt rushing through her veins every time her eyes fell upon Yang, and her misshapen form, so… she ran.
Don't you understand! I let you in, I fucking let you in! I don't let people in like that, but I trusted you!
She shivered, Yang's voice still echoing dramatically in her head, and her heart ached in response. Blake needed comfort, she needed someone who could make her feel safe. She needed Yang. Slowly, she brought her knees to her chest, hugging them close to her body, trying to convince herself that it was her old partner holding her tightly.
Her relationship with Yang had always been rare and beautiful. At any moment she knew what Yang was thinking and feeling, and for once in her life after the whole White Fang thing, she totally trusted another person. Her partner, and her other teammates of course, turned the cold walls of Beacon into a warm and safe home, a place, or rather a person, she could depend on and always return to if she needed support.
But then Adam appeared, taking a piece of the one person she loved the most, promising her to torture and kill each person close to her heart one for one. It had been too much for her, the chance of endangering the people around her too big that she couldn't risk staying anymore. She had to leave, even if that meant leaving her teammates behind.
You were supposed to be different, Blake!
Do you ever feel like there is not a person in the world who loves you? That lonely feeling that creeps up on you whenever you let your walls down even a tiny bit. It was weird to see people around her just living their lives, like nothing had happened, like the world was still the same way it had been yesterday.
Without a purpose, she roamed Remnant, not caring where she ended up, as long it was far away from remembrances of what seemed another lifetime. However, without anyone around who could chase the demons inside of her away, Blake threatened to transcend into madness, the control slipping away from her hands like it had never even been there.
Maybe you just didn't care
(…)
Eventually she returned to her team. Well, it didn't actually deserve the name 'return', as it was more like a accidental meeting. Just four people who happened to be at the same place at the same time, lost in the madness of a war they hadn't called upon themselves, but still found themselves in the middle of.
Returning.
A word that had always laid heavy upon Blake's tongue, numbing the muscle, disabling it from any movement or expression of feelings. She was the girl who ran away when things got too hard, the one who somehow always managed to inflict damage upon the ones around her. It was dangerous to be around her, and that fear had always kept her on the road, chasing the shadow of a hopefully calm and peaceful life.
It was harder to come home than to run away, but she refused to make the same mistake twice. Maybe it hadn't been her own choice to come back to her team, but she had been give the choice to stay or go, and she was set on staying by their side.
I thought you would never hurt me
(…)
I love you.
Those three words are so, so simple, but combined extremely powerful, strong enough to change someone's life completely. Adam used to tell her he loved her, but his idea of love wasn't actual love.
Love wasn't supposed to hurt, it wasn't supposed to feel like you lived with a bomb that exploded with every mistake you made, shattering all the confidence you had in yourself and your own decisions. His love demanded a form of sacrifice from her; she had to give up her own beliefs, her own identity, and had to confirm to his expectations.
Later on Blake learned that when a boy like Adam tells you he loves you, you must turn around and run as fast as your legs can carry you, away from the future fights, the future pain and betrayal.
You gave up on me
It was horrible to experience the results of Adam's abuse, and how it changed her. She would have done everything to be a different person, to go back to her innocent child self who didn't have any idea about the discrimination and inequality in the world.
It was unbelievable, the way one person was able to change your life.
In her teammates she discovered the power to make that change herself. However, it was mostly Yang's influence that pushed her over the edge, causing her to tumble into the beginnings of a new version of herself. Her darkness had found the purest light, and her personal sun guided her along the path of life, lighting the right way for her while always standing by her side.
That is how love works, a never ending dance, taking step by step, with each one closing the distance to the other person until you are totally wrapped up in their presence, refusing to let go. True love lifts you up and encourages you to become the best version of yourself in order to keep the gentle hold of the heart of the one you love.
The only one I want is you
(…)
Yang wrapped her up in her arms, her chest pressed to her back, the warmth relaxing Blake's muscles and the comfort of the soft body pressed onto hers immediately calmed her down. Her mother had always told her she should look for someone who would bring her heart rate down, someone she could sit on the couch with and just appreciate each other's company.
I did it, mom, Blake thought to herself with a small smile on her face.
Sunken in thoughts, she turned the page, not even bothering to let the words truly work into her. How things can change was printed in enormous red letters on the cover of the book, subtly warning the reader for its content. The moment it had caught her eye, it felt like she was pulled forward by a magnetic force, and she hadn't been able to resist the pull.
The book told the story of two woman slowly falling in love with each other, but neither of them wanting to take the shot and confess. Eventually, one of them gets involved in a horrible accident and loses their memory, and the remaining woman has to try everything to make them remember their life together.
It was tragic, a tale of lost love and the fight to get it back… She loved it.
"Every time I come home, you are spread out on the couch, reading without a care in the world." Yang whispered softly in her ear, sending shivers down her spine. Her cat ears flicked on top of her head, picking up the soft breaths Yang let out, the way she moved against her back, the feeling of her warm breath on her cold skin.
"What do you see in them? What is it about them that you get so lost in?"
Blake swallowed thickly, the tension in the air pressing down on her. Her wife constantly managed to pin her down like this, with nowhere to run to, so that she would have to confront everything head on.
It was one of the things in which they complemented each other.
Yang was the person who grounded her, gave her a reason and the courage to stay, and she was the one who would make sure Yang didn't dwell too much on the happenings in the past, teaching her to let go, unfurling her finger one by one until her hand was open and the pain was gone.
"It is the adventure, the journey that interests me, but most of all? I love the characters. Every character is a unique creation of the mind that can be explored and explained in many ways, with their own believes, relationships, trauma's…."
Searching for the right words, she licked her lips, carefully tasting the intensity of the explanations running through her head. Yang was gently rubbing circles on her shoulder with her soothing fingers, touching her skin with a weird sort of determination. Like she was muttering I am with you over and over again, engraving it in her skin so that she would never forget it.
"I guess they just make me feel less alone, less like I only have myself in this life. Reading about a character going through the hardships of life softens your own pain, because it reminds you that you are not alone in this big world."
Warm fingers gently grabbed a hold of her chin, forcing her to look into a pair of breathtaking lilac eyes that seemed to be dancing to the song playing in the deepest corner of her soul. "You will never be alone again, Blake. I will be with you until my last breath has left my body, I promise."
The kiss that follows is calm and gentle, and Blake can't help but smile, fingers creeping up under the hem of her shirt, caressing the tiny bit of skin that is revealed in the process. Yang always knew how to make her feel better without her having to explain what she needed at that moment, and she loved her for that.
You are my home
(…)
The moment she realised she was in love with Yang felt like ages ago. Loving her had become a habit, one developed over a long period of time, but the way their souls moved along a slow love song had become familiar now, the music constantly ringing in her ears whenever her wife was with her, physically or in her thoughts.
Love was a delicate case, a leap of faith in the hope the other would be there to catch you. Most of the time you crashed to the ground with an unbelievable speed, breaking your heart in a million unmendable pieces. She had always been clumsy when she fell in love, messing it up from the moment something even started to bloom between the two of them.
Adam had told her at one point she just wasn't meant to be loved, and it had taken her a long time to convince herself of the opposite.
She fully believed one of the reasons she had fallen in love with Yang was the easiness she loved her, as if it didn't take any effort to be around her, as if she actually enjoyed her existence. It had been such a strange feeling in the beginning of their partnership, that as a result Blake had distanced herself a bit from her blonde partner, scared of the sudden affection she received daily.
Scared of becoming too accustomed to it and then losing it.
You just gotta be strong
A phrase she repeated to herself every was something that demanded courage and strength. At a younger age, however, she viewed love as a weakness. The more you cared, the more you could get hurt, so she closed herself in with walls so high and strong no one would ever be able to break through them.
In her mind it was to protect her from the pain and heartbreak others could cause, but in reality it was fear. But not fear of love. We do not fear love, we fear its absence. Someone who chose love each and every time was the strong one, not the one who chose to become cold and hide away.
And even if love was a weakness, for her, she would let herself be weak.
Yang
(…)
Blake awoke suddenly in the middle of the night, a scream dying on her lips before it could disrupt the peace and silence of the darkness. A nightmare was the only thing that could shake her up this badly, and beside her Yang turned around, still asleep but starting to escape from her slumber.
Tears began to fall down, one after one, and she just couldn't seem to stop it. It hurt so bad, this thing called love, threatening to shatter her heart against her ribcage, slowly killing her in the most painful way possible.
"What's is wrong, love?"
The muffled sound of a voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and teary eyed she stared down at Yang, who was busy trying to force her eyes open, the sleepiness in them still easy to read. A strong arm wrapped around her waist, tucking her closer until their bodies met. Out of habit Blake buried her face in Yang's warm shoulder, and her partner just held her, letting her savour the comfortable silence.
"Can I ask what your dream was about?" Yang asked carefully. Another sob forced its way out, and she couldn't stop her body from shaking in fear. She wanted to tell her, wanted to let it all out, but she couldn't. She was weak. She was a coward, and selfish for holding onto her wife for dear life.
"Shh, you don't have to tell me, Blake. It is okay, I am with you."
Blake couldn't tell her about the betrayed look in Yang's eyes as her wife uttered those words, causing her lip to quiver and her heart to cry in agony. She had almost dropped her suitcase on the floor, and Blake had been physically restraining herself from the urge to fall into Yang's arms once again.
Your actions prove your words didn't mean a thing
Her heart was hammering almost painfully against her skin, and she wanted to reach out to Yang, to assure her it wasn't her fault. But instead, she turned her back on the love of her life, and walked away, not even once looking back, the pain caused by Yang's words still burning in her heart.
You promised me you wouldn't leave
(…)
"Hey", a soft voice calls out to Blake from behind. She turns around, quickly wiping the tears in her eyes away.
Yang stood leaned against the doorframe, her orange tank top slightly pulled up because of her constant moving around in her sleep, revealing toned muscles that caused Blake to swallow thickly. Even after all those years of sharing a dorm together and eventually living together, Yang still had that teenage crush effect on her.
"You had a pretty bad dream tonight." Yang lovingly touched her face, her fingers travelling from her cheek to her eyelashes and ending its journey at her lips. "Want to grab some coffee and talk about it?"
She forced a grateful smile, Yang's fingers following the movement. "No thank you, I already promised Weiss I would help her with her 'shopping mission'. Something about an important date with Ruby."
Her wife raised her eyebrows, whether in amusement or unbelief, and suddenly she lifted Blake up with an easiness that could only be described as incredibly sexy.
"Just don't keep me waiting for too long", Yang said, touching their foreheads together, her gaze darting between two deep pools of pure gold, a hand resting on her shoulder. "I will miss you too much."
Blake laughed in response, the sound ringing painfully in her own ears, and cupped her partner's cheek, pulling her forward, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. "I wouldn't dare to."
She was not ready to lose her lover and her best friend in one day.
There is no us. Not anymore
Her feet could finally feel the sturdy ground beneath her again, but Yang still kept a hold of her hips, her eyes dwindling down to her lips. A challenge. Her wife didn't want her to go, so she switched to her more 'convincing' methods to get her way.
It wasn't going to work, not today.
Blake squeezed one of Yang's hands, savouring the warmth spreading through her body, a fingerprint engraved in her heart that continued to both hurt her and make her feel at home.
"I love you.", Yang whispered in her ear, as if it was some kind of secret that only they could know of. Like the whole world hadn't already noticed the love in her eyes whenever she looked in Blake's direction, like the sparkling ring on her ring finger didn't explain enough already.
"I love you too."
Don't say it like you are saying goodbye
(…)
Her scent was spread all over the house- a strange but pleasant mix of gunpowder, sunshine, citrus and something that was so Yang, it could not be described in words. Blake used to love the scent, treasuring every second she would have the privilege to be engulfed in it.
Her father always told her that she should look for someone she would never get tired of, someone who would lift her up and support her, someone she could truly be herself with. Yang had always been that special person for her, and she loved her for that.
But she didn't.
Why didn't she love her anymore?
There was that word again.
Love love love love love love love, the word echoing in her head.
I am not in love with her anymore
(…)
Her hand in Yang's, the familiar view of their neighbourhood surrounding her. It was evening, around 8 pm, and they were walking their standard route through the small town they lived in. It was their thing, a moment just reserved for each other to talk, or to relish in the feeling of love swirling around them.
"Tell me something new." Yang asked in a gentle voice.
Blake's breath caught in her throat. She knew this question had been coming, Yang asked her every time they went out for a walk, but this time it was… different. She averted her eyes, fixating on the ground, not daring to meet her wife's eyes - the eyes that could always see right through her, something she used to treasure, but was now only a burden, an obstacle along the road she would have to work herself through.
Maybe I should let you go
"I don't love you anymore."
She quickly glanced at Yang, secretly wanting to see her reaction, surprised to only see a sad smile plastered on her face. Her partner softly squeezed her hand, a single tear slowly dripping down her face.
"Tell me something new."