Waking up in an unfamiliar room is never a pleasant experience. Trying to make it one is futile, but I thought I would lighten the mood with a joke.
"What kind of cheese can you hide a horse in?"
From what I could see of the room – that is, the whitewashed ceiling – there was no-one around to reply. But hey, this was Aperture, you never knew who was listening. At best, I could brighten up the day of some lab coat with a checklist. I decided I was going to try and move, but I only managed as much as rotating my head to the left and right. This confirmed my suspicions: this was a small room. Also, it seemed to be unfurnished.
Finally, it had no exit.
"Mascarpone." The conclusion of my joke was met with silence, which was a shame, because it was one of my best. I climbed to my feet, and examined the room from a more useful perspective.
At a guess, I'd say the room was approximately cube-shaped. The ceiling might have been a little lower than the floor was wide, but I didn't think much of it. The walls and floor were also a clean, dull white – I recognised it as a Portal surface. Which probably meant...
There it was. I was surprised I hadn't noticed it earlier, as it seemed to be the only thing in the room. The device was two white shell shapes encasing a matte-black construction. This extended into a small shaft, which contained a frozen beam of blue light. The shaft opened out into an orifice, which was surrounded by three arched prongs. The whole thing was about the length of my forearm.
The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.
I scrambled, hands over feet, to the gun as if I was racing for it. Having beaten my imaginary opponent, I seized my prize and fit it snugly over my arm. I began to giggle like a child.
Vwoomf.
An azure ball of energy travelled quickly across the room and splashed itself across the opposing wall, tearing a blue-rimmed elliptical hole in the wall. Inside the hole, strange shadows rippled across the blue surface. I inspected it briefly, before hitting the wall next to it with a similar entity. This one was orange.
Instantly, an identically shaped hole opened adjacent to the first, this one ringed with a burnt orange colour. Where the black and blue shapes had been before in the first hole, I now saw a mirror view: me, clad in a tatty orange jumpsuit and looking very pleased with myself. In the orange hole, I saw the same picture, but panned a little more to the left.
I crossed the twenty or so metres to the wall in which the holes were placed, and reached into the blue. My arm appeared out of the orange. I reached around a little inside the first, and was startled briefly when I felt my own hand on my shoulder (whilst simultaneously feeling my own shoulder in my hand). It was disorientating, but I decided to continue.
I placed the portal gun on the floor with a soft clattering, and stepped halfway into the portal. Reaching my right arm above and my left arm below, I proceeded to give myself a hug. It felt very comforting, given the distressing situation in which I found myself.
"It's okay. I'm okay. We're okay." I reassured myself, before releasing my grip. I exhaled deeply, picked up the device again, and closed my eyes... before opening them with a start as a loud clang reverberated around the room.
"What's-" I began, turning. Then my eyes caught it, and grew wide: a miraculous vision, or a cruel mirage. A simple, steel cube levitating upon wings of light, glowing with a soothing white aura. It hovered just a little off the ground, floating on its magnificent wings. A vibrant, rose-coloured heart emblazoned upon each of its six faces, it spoke to me. As it did so, the hearts pulsed, as if these were its mouths.
"Hello." It said in angelic tones, soft as cream into which I gleefully sank, like falling slowly into a cloud. I stuttered a reply.
"He-... llo... there..." I uttered, gazing dreamily. A hole in the pristine ceiling, which I only now registered, slid shut with a whirr.
"I've come for you, you know." And I did know. Somehow I knew this angel was here for me.
"I know. I've been waiting." I replied automatically, only half aware of what I was saying. I unceremoniously dropped the Portal device from my previously firm grasp, my childish fascination with it now replaced by awe for the polyhedral apparition before me.
"But I need something first. Before we can go. I need something from you." I hesitated before replying, my mouth forming words that I didn't quite seem to be saying.
"Anything. I'll do it for you, or... or get it for you. Anything."
"Good. Good." Said the cube, approaching from across the room slowly. It did not touch the ground, but simply glided through the air. As it progressed, the hearts darkened from a soft, reassuring pink to a threatening crimson. Blood. Blood for the cube.
"I need your heart."
"My... what?" I shrieked in terror, retreating to the wall and clumsily falling through my own portal. I fell backwards and landed next to myself, scrambling back to my feet. The cube was upon me now – the aura had turned scarlet. The voice changed, from a delicate graceful sound to a deeper, almost demonic noise. I momentarily felt compelled to obey. Not by love, but fear. Fear of the demon, the blood demon, here for my heart.
"But I need it!" I cried weakly, falling to my knees. I leant back against the wall, after checking it was there, and recoiled from the ghostly demon. A white flash blinded me for a second, and revealed an alternate world – the same room was filthy, infested with foliage and daylight that spilt in lazily from gaps, cracks, voids in the wall and ceiling, and the cube was merely that – a cube, half my size, sitting alone on the floor. Then all at once, the flash returned, and the nightmare was restored.
"Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me!" The cube shrieked again and again, as I clamped my hands against my ears and screamed to drown out the horrible sound.
"No! No no no NO!" I bellowed, shoving the cube and skittering across the floor to the other side like a panicking beetle. There I spotted a length of metal, sharpened. I deduced that it must have fallen in with the hell-cube, when the sky opened up, and I raised it aloft like a great treasure. This shrapnel, this shiv, this accidental blade sprung from decaying machinery, was the key to my victory. The cube sang to me, mockingly, "give me your heart, and I'll give you my love", repeating the chant in daemonic discord. But it couldn't take it if I didn't have it. Grinning broadly, and with eyes wide and pupils contracted, I brought the metal down in an arc to my chest.
The flash again, this time bright red as I plunged the blade into my chest, bathed the room in what I now realised was reality. The portals in the far wall swirled gently, the device that created them lying discarded on its side nearby. The cube, now reduced to non-sentience and non-animation, sat solemnly on the grimy grey plates that made up the overgrown chamber's floor. Wires dangled, slung across metal framework that was laid bare where panels were absent or cracked wide open, their shattered remains lying on the floor in the dust-ridden sunlight which poured on through the holes. Plants had found their way inside, and relished the opportunity – ivy climbed up walls, scaled the roof, claimed the floor in some places. The room was reduced to a silent serenity, uninterrupted even by my choking gasps as blood poured forth from my chest and maw like water rushing over rocks in a stream. I collapsed forwards, holding the scrap of metal in with one hand and supporting myself with the other, all the while screeching "you can't take it if I don't have it!" Finally, I fell, and the impact of my torso on the floor was sufficient to drive the shrapnel all the way in and out, out through my heart itself, snapping ribs and driving through vertebrae, protruding from my back like an obelisk, a shrine to the blood cube. I was surrounded by blood, gasping and coughing but never stopping my screams, "you can't take it if I don't have it!"
Eventually, the coughing stopped, and shortly after the screams did the same. But not until I perished did they stop in my head. You can't take it if I don't have it! You can't take it if I don't have it!
I smiled to myself, and died. Alone, abandoned, victorious.
Forms FORM-29827201-13:
Test Assessment Report
Subject performed as expected. Initial reaction to Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device normal in the mentally invalidated; reaction to 'companion cube' similar to that predicted in all schizophrenic subjects. When faced with apocalyptic surroundings, subject apparently blocked it out on a subconscious level, only realising the nature of the test chamber towards the conclusion of his life. At this time, the subject also began to scream (see more: pre-test psychiatric report).
Conclusion: When presented with ordinary testing conditions of the Portal project, 'insane' subjects do not engage well. Also note: tendency to obstruct real world for sake of ease of understanding.
Do not repeat test: results sufficient.