When Michiru and Setsuna expressed a desire to go to the opera, Haruka was more than happy to volunteer for babysitting duties. It wasn't that Haruka didn't like going out with Michiru of course; she would follow her into death and beyond with no more encouragement than a smile, but even so, for once she was willing to relinquish her place at Michiru's side if it meant she got to get out of listening to people wail for four hours whilst Michiru sat lost in rapture beside her.
Technically, if Haruka really wanted to, she could have gone with them. They could have found a babysitter, though finding someone appropriate tended to be somewhat of a challenge, what with their unusual family structure and Hotaru's random growth spurts and manifestations of power. Unintentionally, Hotaru also had a habit of terrifying the babysitters by asking questions about the nature of the universe while looking at them unblinking with her big violet eyes. So for the most part, the three adult outer senshi tried to avoid leaving Hotaru in the care of strangers and cared for her themselves.
Questions about the nature of the universe Haruka wasn't so skilled at either – she left that to Setsuna – but when it came to bedtime stories she was the unchallenged queen. Michiru teased her that Haruka liked to snuggle up with Hotaru for their bedtime story sessions even more than their adoptive daughter did. This probably wasn't true given how much Hotaru loved her papa's stories; it was more likely their enjoyment was evenly matched, which really, just made things even better as far as Haruka was concerned.
Haruka tended not to bother much with storybooks. Most of her stories – and indeed the one she told to Hotaru that night, after supervising her bath and tucking her up in bed – were part of an ongoing saga about a cowardly beggar who always ran away until she was saved by a beautiful princess, and the many adventures they went on to have together.
By now Hotaru looked to be about seven years old, and she listened rapt as any child would to Haruka's tale of magic and brave adventure, but Haruka also suspected she understood a lot more about the reality of those stories than she ever said. Until tonight.
After Haruka finished the story and gave Hotaru her goodnight kiss, she was stopped from rising by a tiny warm hand reaching out to grasp her own.
"Haruka-papa," said Hotaru quietly, "the beggar and the princess – do they ever meet a little girl with dark powers who they think is trying to destroy the world?"
Haruka froze, her heart jolting uncomfortably in her chest. Hotaru's eyes were grave and steady upon her own, not allowing anything so easy as a small, comforting lie.
"They might do," said Haruka cautiously.
"And…Do they have to kill her, because she's bad?" It was said in a trembling whisper, the words nearly drowned out as a car roared by on the normally quiet street outside.
After it passed, the silence in the room seemed far too loud.
They'd known, they'd all known, that questions like these might come one day, and they'd decided unanimously there'd be no lies. But they'd thought it wouldn't happen until years in the future, when Hotaru was old enough to understand.
Not when she was still a small girl lost amidst her bedclothes, obviously terrified that the people she loved might decide she had to die.
Oh yes, thought Haruka bitterly. They might play at being a normal family, they might buy Hotaru every cute and childish thing she set her heart on, but they weren't normal and never would be. All of them had a history bathed in the blood of dead worlds, and tonight the old ghosts were stirring.
Gently, she brushed a few strands of hair back from Hotaru's forehead and tried to keep the pain out of her voice when she replied.
"They might have thought that for a while, mistakenly."
"Mistakenly?"
"Mistakenly," said Haruka firmly.
"Then I won't turn bad when I'm bigger? You won't have to kill me again?"
Hotaru was shaking so badly Haruka could feel the tremors passing through the mattress. But even worse than that was how prepared Hotaru seemingly was to accept her fate. If Haruka told her right now she had to die for the good of the world, she'd believe it. She wouldn't fight. She'd never doubt it was an act of love.
After all, wasn't that what her father had done to her? Implanted her with an alien consciousness and cybernetic parts? All for her own good?
It made Haruka furious. Not just with him, but with herself and Michiru and Setsuna for not understanding. Furious at their destiny for not explaining anything properly and leaving them to fumble around in the dark for so long, hurting.
Before Hotaru, Haruka's experience with children had been limited to say the least; her knowledge of caring parents upon whom she might model her own behaviour non-existent. She was not in any way prepared for this, but she still lifted Hotaru into her arms, not knowing whether to be glad or not when she snuggled her small body against Haruka's so trustingly, still trembling.
"Hotaru," said Haruka. "I want you to listen to me, okay?" She made sure she met Hotaru's eyes, wiping away the errant tears just starting to fall. "I love you. Michiru-mama loves you. Setsuna-mama loves you. We'll never hurt you. Never. I promise."
"But wasn't I bad before?" Hotaru whispered tremulously. "I remember hurting people. I remember having so much power."
"You were never bad Hotaru. It wasn't you. We didn't understand there was another being inside you. She was the one doing the bad things and hurting people."
"But that was Saturn, and you didn't like her because she only awakened to destroy the world. Is that what I'll do one day when I become a soldier again? Is that all I'm for?"
"Saturn never hurt anyone, Hotaru. It was an alien named Mistress 9, but she's gone now. You're free of her. Saturn isn't bad. She's a sailor soldier, like us. Like I'm Uranus and Michiru is Neptune and Setsuna is Pluto. You're our family. The fourth guardian of the Outer Solar System. We wouldn't be complete without you. We'd be missing a planet!"
The attempt at humour fell flat.
Hotaru's eyes were still full of fear. "So I will turn into Saturn one day? I'll have all those dark powers again?"
"They're not dark powers," said Haruka reassuringly. "Just special powers that belong only to you. Part of that will be the power of death and rebirth, but it doesn't mean you have to use it. When the time comes for you to awaken, you won't be alone. We'll be here to teach you all about your powers and how to control them. One day you'll fight with us to protect the world, not destroy it."
Finally, Haruka saw a glimmer of hope on Hotaru's anxious little face.
Even knowing as much as she did, Hotaru's memories obviously weren't perfect. Saturn and Mistress 9 had gotten tangled together in her mind, and no wonder, Haruka thought, if she remembered being Saturn and destroying the world.
What a cruel fate to impose upon a child; to awaken only to die and bring destruction to everyone around her. To do that, when the Queen's own daughter had been living sheltered and beloved on the Moon, bathed in the light of a kingdom of worshippers. Holding Hotaru close, Haruka felt a treacherous stab of relief that the old Queen was gone and none of them were bound by her chains anymore.
They'd lost the battle to save the previous world, and of course Haruka regretted that, but sometimes she couldn't help but wonder if they'd inadvertently gained one that was better. This world where they could all be together and she could sleep every night with Michiru in her arms.
"I can be like you when I'm a soldier?" asked Hotaru, apparently taken with the idea.
Haruka blinked in surprise. Despite knowing a couple of the Inner Soldiers tended to look up to her, she never much thought of herself as a role model. Nevertheless, she was prepared to go to any lengths to get rid of those lingering doubts in Hotaru's eyes.
"I'll make you my apprentice," she promised recklessly. "As a monster fighting duo we'll be the terror of the galaxy."
Hotaru nearly actually giggled. "Would Michiru-mama be okay with that? She taught you, didn't she, like the princess taught the beggar to use her powers in the stories? She likes you being with her."
"Hmm, you've cracked my clever code, I see. And yes, I suppose Michiru-mama does like me to be with her, which is lucky considering I like being with her too. But we like to be with you and Setsuna-mama as well. Maybe you could be an apprentice to all three of us. How does that sound?"
Instead of answering, Hotaru asked another question. "Who – who taught Michiru-mama to use her powers?"
"Michiru-mama is way smarter than either of us and taught herself."
"She was alone before she found you?"
"She was alone." Haruka sighed. "For longer than she should have been."
"And Setsuna-mama?"
"Well, I don't know if there was ever a time when Setsuna-mama didn't know how to use her powers already, hime-chan."
Hotaru seemed to think about this. "But I – Won't have to be alone again when I awaken? Even if I do something I don't mean to. I won't be sent away or discarded or – or sealed?"
She meant killed. The plaintive tone of her voice broke Haruka's heart.
"No," she said softly. "You'll never, ever be alone. You'll always have us, and we'll always look after you. We love you."
"And I'm really not bad?"
"You're not bad. You were born to protect the world, just like we were."
"But in the old world, Saturn could only destroy. She never protected anything."
"Forget about the old world, Hotaru. It wasn't a happy time for any of us."
Hotaru's face screwed up in a frown. "I think I can remember the first time I met you back then. You were crying."
First and last time, she might as well have said, but Haruka wasn't going to remind her of that.
"Like I said, Hotaru. It wasn't a happy time. But things are better now. Sailor Moon helped you to be reborn because she knew you were good. We wouldn't have defeated the Death Busters without you. You were very, very brave back then, and you will be again. Now."
Haruka kissed Hotaru on the cheek and laid her back down in bed, pulling the covers over her. "It's way past your bedtime and I'll get into trouble with your mamas if I keep you up any longer."
"Okay," said Hotaru, finally sounding sleepy. "But can I have Usagi-chan?"
A stuffed rabbit imaginatively named Usagi-chan was Hotaru's favourite toy. Already, Haruka thought with a twinge of ambivalence, destiny was sneaking up on this tiny girl.
"Sure you can."
Hotaru snuggled up with Usagi-chan and was asleep before Haruka had even turned out the light. She stood in the doorway watching over her for a few minutes, ensuring all was quiet, before closing the door and going downstairs to wait for her housemates to come home.
"You're very quiet tonight. Tired?"
"Thoughtful. Hotaru exhausted me with questions."
"Ah," said Michiru, as she got into bed beside Haruka. "It was about the birth of the universe last time, wasn't it?"
Haruka nodded. "This time though she wanted to know if we were going to have to kill her again when she awakened as Saturn."
Michiru stared at Haruka for a moment, her eyes beginning to shimmer with tenderness and regret. "Poor little girl. I hope that you—"
"I told her that you and Setsuna and I love her and that we're never going to hurt her. Because we're not going to, right?"
"No, we're not going to hurt her," Michiru agreed softly, calming the restless squall in Haruka's eyes with a few strokes of her fingers through Haruka's hair. "Sailor Moon showed us a better way. We've already had that conversation."
"Sailor Moon," said Haruka in a low voice, like she was savouring the Princess's name. "She's so much gentler than the old Queen. I wouldn't have thought she could protect the world behaving as she does, but—"
"She's doing fine."
"And serving her doesn't feel like a burden. My heart doesn't ache all the time anymore."
"Did it before?" asked Michiru, a shadow passing over her face.
"Not with you," Haruka whispered, pressing her lips to Michiru's forehead. "I didn't mean that. I meant…A long time ago."
She felt Michiru's arms steal around her. "I remember that feeling too, from back then. It's good that things aren't like that anymore."
"I like that you and I," Haruka returned Michiru's embrace and pulled her even closer. "Can hold each other as often as we want to."
Michiru huffed quiet laughter onto Haruka's skin. "I like that too, Haruka."