AN: I can't go outside because I live in East Texas and there's smoke everywhere. It's messing with my asthma. I was lucky, because there were fires all around Longview, but we're safe now - mostly. Gonna be writing a lot until I can go out again.
I followed some of the plot of the Hangover, but if you haven't seen the movie you can still read the story. I made sure to explain things properly.
The Hangover
Kakashi woke up in a gutter behind a bar he didn't remember visiting. He sat up and rubbed his eye. He could see through the Sharingan, which was normally covered to keep it safe. His vision in that eye was blotchy and seemed to come through holes. He pulled underwear he didn't recognize off his head – pink, lacy underwear.
Shikamaru snored near him, using a grease-stained tablecloth as a blanket. "Oy, Shikamaru, wake up," Kakashi said.
"Five more minutes," Shikamaru groaned.
Kakashi shook him. "I think we partied too much. Do you know where we are? I can't remember anything."
Shikamaru threw off the tablecloth and sat up. "What happened last night?" He pushed a pile of beer bottles off his lap. "The last thing I remember was doing shots at the Shiva Tavern. I hope we're still in Silver Falls."
They heard mumbling near them. "We're the only airship pirates," Naruto sang quietly in his sleep. He was wearing a horned Viking hat.
Kakashi threw a rock at him, hitting him on the forehead. "Why did you do that?" Naruto asked, holding his head.
"Because you were singing about pirates. You're a ninja. Have some respect for yourself," Kakashi said.
"Says the guy holding pink panties," Naruto said.
"Anyone know whose these are?" Kakashi asked.
"Not a clue," Shikamaru said. "I don't know what happened last night, but it must have been epic."
"Hey," Naruto asked. "Where's Sai?"
They looked around. "No idea," Kakashi said. "We should probably find him. His wedding is tomorrow. I'd hate to think anything happened to him."
"Yeah, Sakura would kill us."
Kakashi took out his phone. "I should call her," he said.
Shikamaru grabbed the phone. "Don't do that. If Temari finds out I'm not in Antique
Town she'll know I lied to her about the bachelor party. She forbid me to go to Silver Falls."
Kakashi made a noise like a whip. "You shouldn't be so scared of her. Why didn't you just tell her, anyway? Sakura didn't care."
"She didn't know we were going to a strip club though," Naruto said. "Maybe that's where you picked up the panties," he said to Kakashi.
"Maybe," Kakashi said. "We should start backtracking our way to where we started last night. I assume the last thing we did was leave the bar here."
He looked at Shikamaru's black eye. "Or maybe we got thrown out."
"I have to call Temari. If I don't call her every morning and night at 10 she thinks I'm cheating on her."
"Paging Faggot-san," Naruto said. "You really need to dump her. She's vicious."
Shikamaru ignored him and called his girlfriend. "Hey sweetie," he said when she answered.
"Why didn't you call?" she snapped. "Were you guys at a strip club, because you know how I feel about strip clubs."
"Of course not. I'd never disrespect a woman's body by staring at her breasts and genitals like that."
"I don't trust you," she said. "I bet you were, and you spent most of your money on some whore."
"No baby. I bet there isn't even a strip club here. You should see this place. It's so old-fashioned. There's an ice-cream parlor and everything. We relaxed all night."
"What's the name of the ice-cream parlor then?" she asked.
Shikamaru looked to Kakashi for advice, but he just shrugged. "Sugar Bear," Shikamaru said and grimaced. It was a lousy name to pick.
"Really?" she asked. "So if I call this place they'll remember you?"
"It's closed today for…renovations. There was a small fire last night."
"I just know you're in Silver Falls," she said. "It's a town full of bars and whores, you whore. Call me at ten," she said, and she hung up.
"Really, Sugar Bear?" Naruto asked. "You're supposed to be the smart one."
"I have a hangover. It was the best I could come up with."
"She's a real harpy," Kakashi said. "I don't know why you deal with her."
"She's not that bad," Shikamaru said.
"She slept with a Sound Nin!" Kakashi said.
"The Sand village isn't at war with the Sound. It's not like she was a Konoha ninja."
"You're missing the point," Kakashi said.
"Hey guys. Look up there," Naruto said, pointing.
A jounin vest hung on a ledge outside a window. Kakashi climbed the building and got it. He cut the window and slipped into the room. When he returned to the alley he said, "it's a room used for storage. It's empty. He must have left."
Naruto stood and straightened his helmet. "We should look for him," he said.
"Loose the hat," Kakashi said.
"No," Naruto said. "I like it. Anyway, it might be a clue. I'm keeping it."
As they left the alleyway and the bright sun hit them they cursed the light. Kakashi put his hand over his bad eye. "The Sharingan aches. It feels like I used it."
"I hope you didn't kill Sai," Naruto said.
"I think I'd have a few injuries," Kakashi said. "I doubt Sai would go down easily."
Shikamaru held up his left hand. "Uh, guys. I'm wearing a wedding ring."
"This is not good," Kakashi said.
They entered the bar, glad of the dim lights. The bartender was wiping down the counter, but he looked up as the bell on the door tinkled.
"Why are you back here?" he asked. "I'll kill you!" He grabbed a katana from behind the bar. "You think just because I'm retired I can't handle myself against you young punks. I was ANBU."
"Aaaaahh!" he screamed as he charged. They ran from him, casting glances behind them. Fortunately he was slower than them. If he'd been younger they might not have escaped.
"I know who that is," Kakashi said. "He's tough as hell. I wonder what we did to him."
Shikamaru's phone range. He grimaced and ignored the call. "We might start at the strip clubs. We were planning on going there last night."
They hit several clubs, but no one remembered them. They finally went to a seedy joint on the rough side of town called Tata's. It was afternoon, but the women were already shaking it. They weren't bad for the afternoon crowd.
"Hey guys!" the bartender yelled. "Come on over here! Hey look," he said to one of the barbacks, "it's those guys I was telling you about last night."
"You remember us?" Naruto asked.
"Remember you? We can't ever forget you." He pointed to the wall, where their pictures hung. All three of them were hugging strippers. "The girls just about fought over who got to go home with you."
"I wish I could remember that," Naruto said.
"Temari's going to kill me," Shikamaru whined.
"Not if she doesn't find out," Kakashi said. "Just don't tell her."
"She'll know. She always finds out."
"Hey baby!" they heard from the stage. A topless woman leapt on Shikamaru and wrapped her legs around him, kissing him passionately.
"Um, hi?"
"Hey guys," she said to Naruto and Kakashi. "That was some night, huh?" She looked at Shikamaru, who was still holding her up as she kept her legs wrapped around his waist. "No one parties like my Shika-kun." She nuzzled his ear and bit it slightly.
He put her down. "Where's your friend?" she asked. "The dark haired one?"
"We don't know," Kakashi said. "We're trying to find out where he is. He has a wedding soon. We need to get him home."
"I'll help you!" she said, and before they could protest she'd run to get dressed.
"Nice girl," Kakashi said. "Good boobs."
"Careful," Shikamaru said. "You're talking about my wife. I can't believe I just said that. I need to find a place to get this annulled."
She came back in a yellow sundress, and she looked even prettier than she had when she was half-nude.
"Ask her name," Shikamaru whispered to Kakashi. "I'm married to her. I can't."
"I forgot your name," Kakashi said.
"Silly Kakashi," she said. "You know my name is Daisy."
"Oh yeah. It just slipped my mind for a minute."
They went to places she said single guys frequented, but they didn't learn anything. During the day Shikamaru talked with Daisy, and he found her to be a sweet, vivacious girl. She didn't yell at him or call him names. They took her to her shabby apartment later, because she was working a swing shift.
She kissed him and said, "find your friend and head over here after 10 when I get off shift. I want you to do everything you did to me last night."
Shikamaru liked the idea. It was too bad he wasn't the cheating type, but that just wasn't him. She handed him some pictures. "I had Naruto take these so we could remember."
They looked at the pictures. They all had girls hanging over him, and Kakashi was still wearing his headband.
"You look really happy in those," Kakashi said.
"Yeah," Shikamaru said. "I don't remember the last time I felt happy."
They tried a few bars they hadn't hit during the day and went to a small diner to eat. The bartender at the first place they'd tried came in. "You!" he said, pointing at Kakashi.
"Oh shit," Naruto said.
The old man jumped on Kakashi, pulling his hair and calling him names. "You come into my bar looking through the waitress' clothes with your crazy eye and sleep with my wife? You left that weird guy in my building, and I still can't find him. I'll kill you."
"I guess that's where the underwear came from," Kakashi said as he pushed the old man off him. He didn't want to, but he had to knock the bartender out.
They headed back toward where they'd began. "It sounds like Sai is somewhere in the bar. I hope he's not hurt. At least I know what I used my Sharingan on."
"You're as much of a perv as Jiraiya," Naruto said. "I hope his wife wasn't as old as he was."
"Thanks, Naruto. I hadn't thought of that. Now I can't quit thinking about it."
They snuck into the window Kakashi had used the first time and moved about the place, picking locks and checking rooms. They heard a door open and close below them.
"He's back," Shikamaru whispered.
Naruto knocked a glass vase of a shelf, but Kakashi caught it before it hit the ground. "He was a ninja," Kakashi said. "Be quiet or we'll get caught."
Sai wasn't anywhere to be found. They came to a door leading to the roof.
"You don't think he's up there, do you?" Shikamaru said.
"It's worth a shot," Kakashi said. They opened the old door as quietly as possible, wincing at every squeak.
Sai lay on the roof. His hands were tied together and lashed to a large pipe. His feet had been crossed at the ankles and tied too securely for him to break free, and a piece of duct-tape covered his mouth. He glared at them.
"He must have used his feet to toss his vest over the wall to signal us," Shikamaru said.
"You have to be quiet when I pull this off," Kakashi said to Sai. "There's a crazy old ex-ninja downstairs who wants to kill us."
"He wants to kill you," Naruto said.
"Whatever. We drank too much and don't remember what happened. We were looking for you all day."
He pulled the tape off in one quick motion, watching Sai's eyes water at the pain. "The book said that bachelor parties are supposed to be wild. Is this what it meant?"
"Sure," Shikamaru said, trying to catch Naruto's eye so he wouldn't contradict him and get all their asses kicked. "It's a tradition. The groom always gets tied up and left on a roof."
"I don't like this tradition," Sai said.
Shikamaru's phone rang, and he rejected the call quickly. "We need to get out of here," Kakashi said. "I don't want to deal with that old guy again."
"I want to get back to Konoha," Naruto said. "I never want to see Silver Falls again. Party town my ass. More like Death Town."
"I need to stop by Daisy's first" Shikamaru said. "I have to explain what happened. It's a pity. I really like her."
They were outside Daisy's apartment when his phone rang again. He answered it, but held it away from his head as a torrent of angry screeching from his girlfriend filled the air.
"Why didn't you answer when I called? You're in Silver Falls aren't you? I bet you're with some whore, you degenerate piece of filth. I bet it was that Sai's idea. I never liked him. He's creepy and probably a criminal."
He hung up and shut his phone off.
"You're going to catch it for that," Naruto said.
He looked toward Daisy's apartment. "I don't think I care anymore," Shikamaru said. "Temari is a troublesome woman. You guys wait here. I want to talk to Daisy alone."
She met him in a black teddy. When he quit kissing her, he said, "I have to leave now."
She looked at the floor, and he saw her confidence melt away. "It's ok," she said. "I understand. I thought it was too good to be true. Silver Falls weddings never work."
"That's not what I meant. I live in Konoha, and I need to take care of something at home. How about I come back this weekend and we go out for a nice dinner?"
"Really?" she said. "You want to be with me?"
"We can try it out," he said. "You never know. Maybe we're made for each other. You're really nice, and you treat me well. I like you."
"I never thought anyone smart would want to be with me." Shikamaru kissed her, groping her for the first time that he could remember.
"I'll be back," he said.
"I'll be waiting."
When he joined the guys, Naruto asked, "you look too happy. You did tell her, right? She's too nice to lead on."
"We talked. I'm going to set things straight."
When they reached Konoha they barely had time to get Sai ready for the wedding. All he could talk about was Sakura and how lucky he was. Shikamaru was quieter than usual, but he kept a smirk through the wedding, and he kept glancing at Temari. She sent him red hot looks.
Temari finally cornered him at the reception. "You'd better have a good explanation. I called the tourist board over at Antique Town. There is no Sugar Bear there. You're an idiot. I can't believe I ever thought you were smart."
"Shut up," Shikamaru yelled. "Just shut up for once."
"What did you say to me?" she spluttered. He'd never raised his voice to her.
"You know what? You're a bad person, all the way through. You see this?" he held up his hand, where he still had the wedding ring. "I got married in Silver Falls. That's right; we went to Silver Falls. And you know what? She's kind and generous and everything you're not."
Temari looked at the ring and laughed. "That looks like it came from S-mart. She has horrid taste, just like you."
"Yeah, well, at least she never FUCKED A SOUND NIN!" he yelled loudly.
She gasped and walked away.
"The book didn't say anything about this kind of situation," Sai said.
"I think a toast is appropriate," Kakashi said. He tapped a glass with a fork. "I'd like to make a toast," he said. "To the bride and groom, may you live happily and raise lots of little ninjas. And to Shikamaru and Daisy. May you remember years of happiness." He drained his glass.
"I really wish someone would tell me what this is all about," Sakura said.
"I would, if I had any idea," Sai said.