Echo had forgotten how to drive. The ship had been on autopilot the whole trip, as his only thoughts were pertaining to the shitty dump of a planet he'd been trying to forget about. He haphazardly wiggled his broken legs in front of the control panel, hoping to hit a useful lever.
He saw the signal marked "Land" and, relieved, pressed the button. He pressed the wrong button. Rather than deploying the landing gear, the entire ship veered 90 degrees and headed straight down into the ground.
Echo took out his Green iPhone 5C and opened the Safari application to access Bing Maps. To his aggravation, he had not, in fact, set a course for home as he had assumed before falling asleep at the wheel. The ship had been orbiting Earth for the past four days, and he had crashed directly in the middle of the San Francisco Bay. Echo floated vigorously over the water and into the heart of the city.
Everybody was gay. Literally everybody. Echo was feeling consumed. Did he have a penis? Was it made of metal? He had never bothered to check down there. His blue eyes grew yet bluer with his silent despair.
As Echo stared at a picture of a soda can to try to get a boner, a stocky male tourist curdled round the bend. A green bird nibbled on his beard and hat. "Man, I really missed this United State, Jack," he said to the bird.
Jacques reared his head back, pulling off half of the black hair that decorated the man's wholesome chin. "Wow, Jon, watch where you're walking you traitorous asshole."
Jon shifted his FOOT to one side, away from the strange metallic figurine on the ground. "My people," Jacques cried, falling to the ground and wrapping his wing around Echo. Echo finally felt one with California.
"Cute natured," Jon grinned. "Want to come back with me to New Cork?"
Echo could not speak. He remembered to beep once or twice for yes or no, but could not remember which was which. As a compromise, he beeped seven times.
Jon took him anyway. He phased into the airport and presented his money to the cashier. "Three tickets to Big York."
The cashier was confounded. "With whom?"
Jon showed her the robot bird and the robot alien.
"You don't need to buy tickets for those."
Jon gave her the finger, ripped the entire ticket dispenser off of the desk, and ran.
On the plane, Jon immediately fell asleep the second he boarded. None of the flight attendants knew if they were supposed to move him or not. All of them panicked and just took off right then and there, even though only half of the passengers had boarded and there were people in the runway.
Jacques and Echo slyly took seats in the first class cabin while Jon crashed back and forth in the aisle due to the turbulence. "Jon needs to recharge," said a recording from Jacques's beak.
Echo gazed out the window. They were flying over Nevada. Echo looked away. He didn't want to remember the past. What a hellhole. The only reason he'd come to Earth in the first place was to get away from his bitch of a wife and blow some cash on a good old fashioned Las Vegas gambling addiction, but nooo, he landed in the middle of the goddamn desert and went on a "whimsical adventure" with a bunch of fuckin' nerds. What a vacation. Assholes.
But when Jacques ran a tender talon soulfully across Echo's shining crotch, he knew it was all worth it. Echo wanted to moment to last for longer, so he used his powers to severely slow the plane down.
By the time they arrived in New York, most of the passengers had peed on the floor. Jon woke up, grabbed his companions, and cartwheeled down the steps into the airport. "Wow, can't believe the plane arrived a full 21 hours behind schedule," Jon said, delighted.
He dashed back to "his" apartment, bird and alien trailing behind. When he arrived at the door, he realized that he had forgotten his keys. "Dangus. Jacques, you gotta bust this door down for me."
Jacques and Echo were still locked in a lover's embrace. At least, that was their excuse for themselves. Echo was stuck in Jacques's cloaca.
"Fine, I'll do it myself," Jon harumphed. "Wish I hadn't installed those 6-inch-thick titanium plates on both sides of the door. But that's life."
Jon tried everything: pushing, pulling, pushing and pulling at the same time, until finally he could take it no longer. "There's nothing left to do. I have to move back to Cali."
"Jon, I think the door's unlocked," Jacques chimed in.
Jon opened the door. "I'm going to literally maim you, Jacques."
When they stepped into the apartment, Echo screamed in shock, covering his eyes, and Jacques just laughed. Jon looked down to the floor at the source of his companions' mixed reactions.
Danny. Ross. Suzy. Even PBG. They were on the floor, soaked. And standing above them with a triumphant grin on his face was Arin. A fully nude Arin. The last few drops of urine trickled from his tip.
Arin stepped over the pee-drenched crowd, over to the horrified Jon, and whispered in his ear.
"Arin wins. Arin always wins."