A/N: TVD: my ultimate guilty pleasure show. Damon's so fascinating to me, tbh, it was a matter of time before I did an angsty drabble about him.
Reviews are so encouraged! I mean, first time in the fandom and all- characterization feedback is a must.
"Have some bourbon. It'll help you forget."
3.05, The Reckoning
Maybe the worst part is that he used to want this.
Well, not this. Never this.
But way back when (and yet, even in the not-so-very-grand scheme of things, not so very long ago), when he first fell in love with her, he used to watch her and wish, wish that she could look at him, care what happened to him in the same way she cared what happened to Stefan, even if she didn't love him the same way.
He used to wish that she wanted him to be happy.
The irony is bitter, bitter as the taste of the alcohol he consumes.
(He can't open his jaw like a snake to consume alcohol.)
(Was he in love with her, even then?)
(The thing is, he doesn't have any memories of her that aren't now tinged with adoration. Memory is subjective, he supposes, and love is the most subjective thing of all.)
(He only gets this introspective when he's drunk.)
(He's drunk a lot. Maybe that says something.)
The thing that people don't get is that snark is a fallback, a cover, something to hide under, yes. But it's also fun, to be witty, and walk the line between amusing and cruel, and sometimes that's totally worth it in and of itself.
He doesn't want to be human again.
He wishes he had never turned, but you can't go back in time, and undoing wrong choices doesn't undo the fact that you made the choices.
(It's okay, because he never would have met her.)
He's a vampire now, and that's his burden, and maybe it's awesome sometimes anyway.
He's spent decades upon decades becoming who he is, and he doesn't want to undo that, doesn't want to let himself go.
He misses being human again, yes, and it's a powerful ache, but it's kind of like wishing you were a little kid, when your problems were innocent and pure, and he doesn't know of an adult who'd actually take steps to go back in time.
(He misses it a lot.
So much.)
He shifts on the stool, and looks to his left, and he feels a pang, because he and Elena are one thing, but Ric was always there for him, and it was good to know that someone could care (without the complicated sexual dynamic.)
(He's seriously not that bad looking, though. He's hard to resist that way.)
He has a small list, and he wonders when the hell that happened.
Weird.
He swigs a glass, and thinks, it's okay, because when it comes down to it, the list doesn't make him less likely to kill.
(Now it just means he kills those who piss him off.
Or threaten them.
But never for fun.)
(He doesn't think about that last part, because that would mean that he's changed, and he knows that he has, but that doesn't mean that he has to face it.)
(He gets drunker, and then he does.)
You know, the sucky thing is, no matter what, he's pretty sure his life's going to suck no matter what happens. Vis a vis this whole cure crap.
(Which prompts drunken staring into bottles, and introspection into the meaning of humanity.)
(It's not like he didn't already do it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have more and more company as the search goes on.)
But just because life sucks doesn't mean it isn't worth living.
(She makes it worth living.)
(Besides, it's fun sometimes, you know.)