Author's Notes:
This is my first published fanfic, originally posted over the course of two years on AO3. I'm reposting it here to make it available to a larger audience, but the AO3 version is the canonical one, and probably the better experience since it has notes and comment responses by the author.
The writing gets better after the first ten chapters, and those chapters are pretty short, so hang in there. I'm still working on improving my writing, so constructive criticism is always welcome.
Trigger warnings for suicide/self-harm, alcohol/drug abuse, unhealthy relationships, and a little bit of homophobic language.
Arcadia Bay stretched out before Max Caulfield, a sea of orange-yellow street lamps punctuated by the occasional lit window. An early November chill bit through her PJ bottoms and the jacket she'd thrown hastily on. She tried desperately to imagine the families below, but their faces were always fuzzy, and her mind kept fixating on another face, a face with piercing blue eyes and hair to match. A face that she could picture clear as day. A face that she never saw alive in this reality.
Chloe died, Nathan confessed, Jefferson was caught, Kate never jumped. So the door to the peak of the Blackwell dorm roof was still left unlocked. She'd woken with the usual nightmares and snuck up there. Staring out over the tiny city she'd saved from her own meddling didn't help. The thought that she'd done the 'right' thing should have made her feel better, but she wasn't even sure of that anymore.
It had been hard the first few times she'd sat up there, but seeing Kate's face in class every day had started to displace the memory of her standing on the ledge over there. Her violin, played every evening at 4, comes to mind before the crunch that meant Max failed.
She leaned forward and glanced at the ledge. A sudden impulse gripped her, and she forced herself to look away. Jesus no. Can't do that. Not to my family, and friends, and...
It'd solve a lot of problems though wouldn't it. The voice was hers, but not. Like in her nightmare diner, the voice of every dark thought she's had all month. Didn't really think this through did ya? Sure, be all noble and give up your girlfriend for a town you barely care about. Then what? You have a dead crush and a weekful of memories that could get you committed even if they did happen. Oh yeah, and now you're bi.
Max leaned back against the ductwork, making a thunk that reminds her where she is. On a rooftop. Of a school where a teacher drugged and kidnapped students. In a reality where Chloe is dead and buried in the ground. She can almost see the cemetery from here, but not quite. And then came tears.
The stairwell door opened with a loud chunk, and a sliver of light broadened to illuminate the other side of the roof. Shit. Busted. Part of her mind knew always she'd get in trouble for sneaking up here, but the awful feeling in her stomach was from the thought that they'd lock the stairwell.
Then Kate Marsh stepped out from behind the door. She looked sad and scared as she looked into the darkness at the ledge.
No. Not again. I can't save you.
As Kate's eyes adjusted she saw a figure, huddled next to the edge, shivering slightly. "Max?" No answer, but she could see that Max heard her. "Are you okay?" Still nothing. "I heard you... wake up." Screaming.
"Max... I'm really worried about you. You seemed okay but then after the funeral you... shut everyone out. I haven't seen you back in Photography once, even though Mrs. Cameron's a wonderful substitute and-"
"I let her die."
"Max, you couldn't ha-"
"Don't. Just... don't say anything. Just listen to me." She chose each word carefully. "I could have saved her. I'm sure of it. There's so many things I could have done. I could have shouted something to distract him, or pushed the janitor cart at him, or... just pulled the fire alarm. But I just sat there and heard them shout and then the gunshot and... She was my friend and I let her die."
"No, Max. You-"
"SHUT UP!" She cried at Kate. "That's all everyone says. Not my fault. I don't want that. I don't need that!"
"I don't understand."
"You can't."
Kate walked toward her and saw the lights surrounding the bay below. "I can see why you've been coming up here. It's really beautiful at night." Then she turned and sat down beside the ledge, facing Max. "I lost a close friend a few years ago. There was a boating accident, and..." Max looked away. "I know that's not the same but you're not alone. You need to talk to somebody."
Max replied, her voice close to breaking: "I can't."
"You can always talk to someone. Miss Gibson helped me so much after... everything that happened." Max's eyes stayed fixed on the town below. "You could make an appointment with her. Or just talk to me." Still no reaction. "Please. Is there anything I can do to help?"
After a long silence, Max finally choked out two words, barely loud enough to hear above the wind blowing through the few brown leaves that still clung to the trees: "Just go." Kate didn't move. "Go away or I'll throw myself off the goddamn ledge!"