For Sylvia and Beatrice, from Harry and Clara.
.
No, no, no!
It's all that Remus feels like screaming as his world crashes down around him. Inside his chest, his heart shatters; shrapnel pierces his lungs, making it difficult to breathe, to move. Somehow, he forces himself forward, arms wrapping around Harry who is busy yelling at the archway in front of them.
He hears himself trying to calm Harry, but his broken heart can't even believe his own words, so he really can't expect Harry to believe them either. Harry struggles in Remus' hold, but he doesn't loosen it.
Remus' eyes, which are trained on the Veil, widen as he sees movement. He blinks, making sure it's real. In that moment, his grip unconsciously loosens just a bit.
And in the next moments, Harry is out of his hold, rushing off after Bellatrix. Remus notices this just a fraction too late to stop him. He lets his arms drop to his sides, turning back to the Veil. There is Sirius standing, wearing that same laugh that he died with.
Remus shakes his head, clearing it, before rushing after Harry. He was only imagining things. He must have been.
.
He stays mostly in Sirius' room. He feels more at home there than he does in any other part of Grimmauld Place, feels closer to him.
Remus sits on the bed – because he can't quite think of it as his own – holding the picture of the four of them in his hands. He sees their faces staring back up at him, alive and happy and Merlin, he hadn't realize how much he misses them. How much he misses the jokes and the laughter and just them.
He feels the familiar burn of tears behind his eyes and tries to resist the urge. But it never helps. Tears flow down his face, and he sobs, "I miss you," to nothing in particular.
And he swears he hears, "Please don't cry, Moony," with the ghost of a hand on his cheek.
.
Standing next to the windowsill is Sirius; he doesn't even have to be facing him for Remus to know, but seeing him there causes Remus to inhale sharply. The sound echoes in the silent room, and it causes Sirius to turn toward him. His gray eyes sparkle with mischief as they always have, and Remus has never seen him as beautiful.
But Remus shakes his head, closing his eyes, and whispers, "He's dead," repeatedly to himself. "This isn't real."
A ghost of a hand traces his cheek, causing Remus to snap his eyes open. "This is as real as you want it to be." The words are soft, barely there, but they ring loudly in Remus' heart.
He shakes his head again. "I'm going crazy," he announces. "Absolutely bonkers." The ghost of a hand disappears, leaving only the sound of laughter in its place.
.
"Remember," he hears, "the night after our first transformation?"
Remus looks up from his book, seeing Sirius sitting on his own bed, legs crossed. There's a small smile on his face because he does remember.
"I thought you were going to murder us," Sirius laughs. It's as infectious as it always was. "You were so pissed."
Remus nods. "I was pissed."
He watches as Sirius moves to the end of the bed, dangling his feet off it. "You didn't talk to us for days."
"You deserved it," Remus snorts. "It was foolish."
Sirius starts to reply as someone knocks on the door. When it opens, Remus' attention is drawn to Molly standing in the doorway, a concerned look upon her face. "I heard you talking," she starts. "Who were you talking to?"
"I was talking to…" he trails off. Remus looks back at the bed, and Sirius is still there with a cocky grin on his face, but Molly isn't seeing him. And then reality hits him hard. "Nobody," he finishes lamely.
She gives him a look which clearly means that she isn't buying it, but she says nothing. She just nods and exits the room.
Remus turns back to Sirius, who looks so real, so there, and feels the burn of tears behind his eyes, reminding him that Sirius isn't real.
.
"Remember," Sirius says, "when Prongs finally got Lily to agree to a date?"
Remus smiles but doesn't respond. He knows that Sirius is trying to get him to talk.
Sirius sits on the windowsill, looking out at the yard below him. "The only other time I've seen him happier was at their wedding. Still can't believe that she agreed after seven years."
There's a silence that Remus welcomes. But Sirius breaks it, as he always does. "They still would be alive," he whispers, "if I would've been the Secret Keeper."
The sudden change to a morbid topic causes Remus to glance at Sirius. He can read Sirius' regret in his body language. "Don't, Sirius," Remus warns. He doesn't know how to deal with this. He doesn't know how to make this better for either of them.
"And those thirteen Muggles wouldn't have died either," he continues as if he didn't hear Remus' plead. "But they're all dead, including Prongs and Lily, and it's all my fault." Sirius meets his gaze, with something that Remus can't identify in his eyes. "Isn't that right, Moony?"
Remus tries to answer, but Sirius just raises his eyebrow before turning his head back to the ground. And the silence has never been heavier.
.
Sirius perches behind him as he sits down at the table to eat. And Remus is sure that he's the only person in the room that can see him, can hear him, can feel him.
It drives him crazy. He doesn't know what to do. He wants to talk to him. He wants to touch him to make sure that he's there, even though he knows that he isn't.
Instead, he eats his dinner as quietly as possible, as he usually does nowadays, before disappearing back to Sirius' room. Sirius is sitting on his bed, grinning his signature mischievous smile.
"Why won't you leave me alone?" Remus questions. His voice breaks on the words as he chokes them out.
Sirius stands, crosses the room and caresses Remus' cheek. Remus feels the familiar whisper of Sirius' hand and resists the urge to lean into the touch. "I'm only a memory," he says sorrowfully, "that you won't let go of."
Remus shakes his head. "You're real," he murmurs defiantly. "You're haunting me."
To this, Sirius smiles; but it's laced with a sadness that Remus has only seen once before. And Remus can't help but think that it would be better if he would've laughed. "I'm only as real as you believe I am."
.
He eats his dinner as quickly as possible, trying to get away from the people at the table and from Sirius. He knows that the latter is unlikely at best, though.
As he tries to go up the stairs, Molly is standing in his way. "Excuse me," he says politely.
Molly's eyes soften, and Remus knows that she's going into her mothering mode. "Are you sure that you're feeling well, Remus? You look a bit pale and you've hardly eaten."
As much as Remus wants to groan in frustration, he doesn't. "I'm fine. No need to worry about me," he assures her.
She raises her eyebrows and puts a hand on her hip. "You shouldn't be cooped up in that room all by yourself. It's not healthy."
"I'm fine, Molly. Honest."
He moves past her, taking the stairs to the room. On the bed sits Sirius, and Remus knows that he's far from okay.
.
"Remember," Sirius whispers, "when we found out about your furry little problem?"
Upon hearing Sirius' voice, Remus closes his eyes tightly. "Don't, Sirius." He knows his plea will go unnoticed by the black haired man, but it doesn't stop him from trying. "Just…don't."
Sirius continues as Remus expected. "You were so terrified. You were ready to leave Hogwarts in an instant because of it."
His eyes snap open and he sits upright, glaring at Sirius. "Why are you reminding me of this?" Remus demands.
"To remind you that you faced your fear," Sirius replies.
Remus furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "And what does that have to do with anything?"
"You're scared now." When Remus attempts to protest, Sirius cuts across him, "I'm not real. Somewhere, deep inside of you, you know this. I'm just a ghost of a memory that you are too scared to let go of."
In a blink of an eye, Sirius is across the room, his face dangerously close to Remus'. He can feel Sirius murmur, "Let me go, Moony," against his lips.
Shaking his head, Remus responses, "I can't. I just can't, Sirius. You're the only thing I have left."
"That's where you are wrong, my friend."
.
"Remember," Remus mumbles, "graduation?"
Sirius looks away from the outside world, focusing solely on Remus, surprise written in his features. Remus hasn't spoken to him in days, not since he told Remus to let him go.
"We had promised that nothing would tear us apart. It was us against the world," Remus continues on.
Sirius smiles. "We thought we were invincible," he says fondly.
Remus just nods. "But we weren't." After a few seconds, he meets Sirius' eyes. "You guys left me, and Peter betrayed us. And how am I supposed to live without you?"
His voice breaks as he questions this. And his eyes shimmer with the want of an answer that will help him, but they glow with the knowledge that he isn't going to get it.
"You take it one day at a time," Sirius responds. "That's what you do. You live each day like you might die tomorrow, and you find something to cling onto and make it the most important thing in your life. You do what we've always done, Moony. You fight."
For the first time in a while, Remus grins.
.
Sirius sits beside him on the bed. And Remus is reminded of all the times that they did this during Hogwarts, and how his heart would beat quicker.
"You know that I always did love you, right?"
The declaration echoes in the room. And it takes Sirius a few moments to reply. "I think he knew. You wouldn't be clinging on so hard if you didn't."
Remus sighs. "I don't want to lose you again."
Sirius shifts, brushing up against Remus by mistake, causing the latter to inhale deeply. "I told you, I'm not real. I'm just a ghost of a memory; nothing more. You have to let me go."
"I heard you the first time," Remus replies.
Silence descends upon them while Remus tries to gather his thoughts. "Look, I'm you," Sirius says, "just in Sirius' skin. I'm everything that you remember about him, but I'm not him. And the longer it takes you to realize this, the more it's going to hurt."
"Wait," Remus furrows his eyebrows. "The memories, what you felt, how you acted…"
"Your thoughts, your emotions, your memories," Sirius confirms. "I'm nothing but a ghost of a memory. Let me go," he demands.
Remus shakes his head, horror in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he murmurs to himself. "I'm so, so sorry," he repeats. "I don't blame you, Sirius. I don't blame you in the least."
At his words, Sirius' expression softens. "Thank you," he whispers.
By the time that Remus stops repeating his apology, the man beside him disappears. And with him, Sirius seemed to have taken all of Remus' guilt. His shoulders feel relieved from the weight he had been carrying around.
Maybe, just maybe, Sirius' death set him free.
A/n – so many thanks to Jo for beta-ing this for me.