Chapter 1: Walked past my grave in the dark tonight

Bella

If I had the chance, love

I would not hesitate

To tell you all the things I've never said before

Don't tell me it's too late

Cause I've relied on my illusions

To keep me warm at night

And I denied in my capacity to love

I am willing to give up this fight

I've been up all night drinking

To drown my sorrow down

But nothing seems to help me since you went away

I'm so tired of this town

Where every tongue is wagging

When every back is turned

Telling secrets that should never be revealed

There's nothing to be gained from this

But disaster

Here's a good one

Did you hear about my friend?

He's embarrassed

To be seen now

Cause we

All know

His secrets

-"Dirty Little Secret" Sarah McLachlan



I could swear that just a few seconds ago I was sitting in the living room gazing out at the forest and listening to the river through the glass wall.

Now I was in the meadow. Edward was with me. A lump rose in my throat and I choked a bit, since I couldn't cry anymore.

"Bella, love. What's wrong?" He said as he wrapped his arms around me. I was comfortable here. So very comfortable. And his voice was as perfect as it ever was. Just like silk. Just as I remembered it.

I couldn't speak.

"Bella. It's okay. I'm here." He said. He gave me the crooked smile that he knew I loved.

"I know." I managed to whisper.

"Then why do you look so sad?" He murmured, a look of concern rearranging his features.

"I-I…."I took a shaky breath, "I miss you."I mouthed. I couldn't even get a whisper out anymore.

"I miss you too, love." He said to me.

He leaned back out of our embrace, but I refused to release him. He tilted my chin up and our eyes locked. The love in his eyes was so warm and it just made me want to cry even more. I gazed into his eyes as he did with mine. We stood like that for ages, neither of us speaking. The silence of the meadow was odd. I ignored it, concentrating on Edward.

"Don't leave me again. I want you back, Edward. I want you back. Renesme wants you back."

"I know, Bella. I know. I will never leave you again. Never."

I held him closer, tighter, willing that to be true. Willing him to stay with me. I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his perfect scent. He tilted my head up again and kissed me lightly. After a moment he deepened the kiss and we stayed there for so long I forgot where we were and what day it was…then, everything fell to black.

I heard the laugh. A laugh I had never been able to get out of my head. Not even after such a long time.

"No!" I screamed, knowing what was coming. "Edward, no! No, Edward! No, no, no! Edward, I love you!" I screamed, holding him tighter.

And in the next instant he was no longer in my arms anymore.

All I heard was the sickening, piercing screech like metal, and then a hand touched my shoulder.

I jumped.

"Bella." Jasper sighed sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, Jasper." I whispered. I ducked my head and stared at the ground, all of the facets in the wood.

"Don't be sorry, Bella." He murmured. He pulled me into his arms and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

"I miss him Jasper. I miss him so much." I whimpered, my knees giving out beneath me.

Jasper led me to the creamy white sofa a few feet away.

"I know you do. I know."

"Mom!—"she shouted excitedly, "Mom…" She came and seated herself on my other side and wrapped her arms around me.

"Renesme?" I asked, shocked. "Sweetheart w-what are you doing here?" She did come back every now and then, just to see us. But I had never worked up the nerve to tell her about that night.

"I came to see you. And Daddy, of course!" She grinned at me. Her grin faded as I turned my gaze to the floor.

"Mom? What?" She asked, concern in her eyes.

Jasper gave me one last squeeze and walked away. He and I had gotten closer after...after…well, after Edward.

Renesme touched my face and conveyed to me an image of my face when I was sitting by the window.

"I was just thinking. That's all." I paused, trying to keep my voice even. "Where's Jacob?"

Renesme hugged me closer and I laid down on the couch, my face twisting into a grimace.

"He's at La Push seeing his brothers."

"Well why don't you go get him and bring him here?" I suggested.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded weakly and sat up.

Renesme gave me a meaningful look and walked out the door.

I stared after with a slight smile. My Renesme. I took a deep, shaky breath and stood up. I dragged my feet to the stairs, walking unusually slow for a vampire.

When I reached mine and Edward's room—I refused to call it just mine—I collapsed on the bed and curled into a ball. My chest throbbed while something clawed at the old scar that had ripped itself back open that night. The hole was back and worse than ever, as if the pain was being stocked up for when it would be released again. It festered and I couldn't breathe. I just sat there and curled myself up until I could get enough energy to get up and gaze out the window. It was times like these where I wished I could sleep to escape the pain and the memories.

I decided after a long while of sitting there that I would go hunt. I hadn't since that night and that was risky. I figured I may as well go if only to keep the thoughts back. It didn't help much.

"And for all that," he continued, "I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here–with no witnesses and nothing to stop me–I were to hurt you."

I was human enough to have to ask. "Why?"

"Isabella." He pronounced my full name carefully, then playfully ruffled my hair with his free hand. A shock ran my body at his casual touch. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me. He looked down, ashamed again. "The though of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses…it would be unendurable."

My head was spinning at the rapid change in direction our conversation had taken. From the cheerful topic of my impending demise, we were suddenly declaring ourselves. He waited, and even though I looked down to study our hands between us, I knew his golden eyes were on me.

"You already know how I feel, of course," I finally said. "I'm here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." I frowned. "I'm an idiot."

"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh. Our eyes met, and I laughed, too. We laughed together at the idiocy and sheer impossibility of such a moment.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…"

The trees flashed past as I saw past them to the first time that Edward had told me he loved me. It was one of the few human memories I had. All of my human memories were with Edward, and after…what happened…every precious moment with Edward had come back to me with piercing clarity, even the ones that I didn't think I remembered, and I never forgot again. The hole gnawed at my chest and I kept moving, trying to push the memories out of my mind.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost!—no, you're as white as me!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" I groaned

He laughed, his mood still radiant.

"Show-off," I muttered.

"Open your eyes, Bella," he said quietly.

And he was right there, his face so close to mine. His beauty stunned my mind—it was too much, an excess I couldn't grow accustomed to.

"I was thinking, while I was running…" He paused.

"About not hitting trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," he chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off," I muttered again.

He smiled.

"No," he continued, "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." And he took my face in his hands again.

I couldn't breathe.

He hesitated—not in the normal way, the human way.

Not the way a man might hesitate before he kissed a woman, to gauge her reaction, to see how he would be received. Perhaps he would hesitate to prolong the moment, that ideal moment of anticipation, sometimes better than the kiss itself.

Edward hesitated to test himself, to see if this was safe, to make sure he was still in control of his need.

And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.



The hole started to make it hard for me to breathe again. As I gasped and fell to the ground I remembered why I hadn't gone hunting sooner. Just like Edward's beauty and perfection the pain never lessened. If anything it intensified with every thought, every breath.

I pulled myself back to the house slowly up and made my way slowly back home. My thoughts got away from me again as I walked.

"It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."

His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe.

"Will you go with me to Seattle?" he asked, still intense.

I couldn't speak yet, so I just nodded.

He smiled briefly, and then his face became serious.

"You really should stay away from me," he warned. "I'll see you in class."

He turned abruptly and walked back the way we'd come.

The house came into view as the trees started to thin. I sucked in a breath through my teeth and my arms and legs went limp from another rocking wave of pain. Biology with Edward. That brought back even more memories.

Mr. Banner shoved the tape into the reluctant VCR and walked to the wall to turn off the lights.

And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that it was possible to be more aware of him than I already was. A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists. I was losing my mind.

The opening credits began, lighting the room by a token amount. My eyes, of their own accord, flickered to him. I smiled sheepishly as I realized his posture was identical to mine, fists clenched under his arms, right down to the eyes, peering sideways at me. He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.

The hour seemed very long. I couldn't concentrate on the movie—I didn't even know what subject it was on. I tried unsuccessfully to relax, but the electric current that seemed to be originating from somewhere in his body never slackened. Occasionally I would permit myself a quick glance in his direction, but he never seemed to relax, either. The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade, and I crushed my fists safely against my ribs until my fingers were aching with the effort.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Mr. Banner flicked the lights back on at the end of class, and stretched my arms out in front of me, flexing my stiff fingers. Edward chuckled beside me.

"Well, that was interesting," he murmured.



"Just let me sit for a minute, please?" I begged

He helped me sit on the edge of the walk.

"And whatever you do, keep your hand in your pocket," I warned. I was still so dizzy. I slumped over on my side, putting my cheek against the freezing, damp cement of the sidewalk, closing my eyes. That seemed to help a little.

"Wow, you're green, Bella," Mike said nervously.

"Bella?" a different voice called from the distance.

No! Please let me be imagining that horribly familiar voice.

"What's wrong—is she hurt?" His voice was closer now, and he sounded upset. I wasn't imagining it. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to die. Or, at the very least, not to throw up.

Mike seemed stressed. "I think she's fainted. I don't know what happened, she didn't even stick her finger."

"Bella." Edward's voice was right beside me, relieved now. "Can you hear me?"

"No," I groaned. "Go away."

He chuckled.

"I was taking her to the nurse," Mike explained in a defensive tone, "but she wouldn't go any farther."

"I'll take her," Edward said. I could hear the smile still in his voice. "You can go back to class."

"No," Mike protested. "I'm supposed to do it."

Suddenly the sidewalk disappeared from beneath me. My eyes flew open in shock. Edward had scooped me up in his arms, as easily as if I weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred and ten.

I slowly made my way up the front steps. Taking a deep breath I reached for the knob.

I opened the door to find Carlisle, Esme, Renesme, Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, and Jacob in the front room.

This was the first time I had seen him since…

I missed him and the pain decreased slightly as I stepped towards them, an exhausted smile painted on my face.

I looked to my left to find Edward's piano sitting untouched, gathering dust. I sat there sometimes, just sat there, trying not to think.

"Well, play for her," Esme encouraged.

"You just said showing off was rude," he objected.

"There are exceptions to every rule," she replied.

"I'd like to hear you play," I volunteered.

"It's settled then." Esme pushed him toward the piano. He pulled me along, sitting me on the bench beside him.

He gave me a long, exasperated look before he turned to the keys.

And then his fingers flowed swiftly across the ivory, and the room was filled with a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played. I felt my chin drop, my mouth open in astonishment, and heard low chuckles behind me at my reaction.

Edward looked at me casually, the music still surging around us without a break, and winked. "Do you like it?"

"You wrote this?" I gasped, understanding.

He nodded. "It's Esme's favorite."

I closed my eyes, shaking my head.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant."

The music slowed, transforming into something softer, and to my surprise I detected the melody of his lullaby weaving through the profusion of notes.

"You inspired this one," he said softly. The music grew unbearably sweet.

I couldn't speak.

"Bella!" Jacob said. Warmth and happiness radiated from his body just like his impossible body temperature.

He buried me in a huge bear hug and I squeezed back just as hard. I missed my best friend and the comfort that filled the room when he was around.

He rocked back on his heels to look at me and the huge grin that I loved to see faded once he saw how exhausted I looked.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He could always read me so well.

"I suppose you didn't tell him." I murmured, directing my gaze at Renesme who shook her head, dropping her gaze.

"Didn't tell me what?" Jacob said, looking at every Cullen with a question in his eyes as well as worry.

"Jacob…" I paused. He waited. "Edward…." I took a shaky breath. His eyes widened in disbelief and he shook his head. I took another breath to finish, "Edward is dead."