It was dark; that much Lupin could remember. Dark and cold, laced with a sort of dread in the air that comes when a night is dark and cold. Certainty is wasn't enough to remember. But then again, he could never remember much when Tonks was there- she tended to take all of his attention. And his thoughts. And his breath.
"It's cold, isn't it?" Tonks said, her eyes squinted and her breath a visible fog. He snapped his head around, trying his best to make it look as if he was, indeed, doing the job they had come out here to do.
"Really?" Lupid replied with dry sarcasm, "I hadn't noticed."
Out of the corner of his eyes he could see Tonks smile, and a little bubble of happiness exploded in his heart. He wondered if she could hear it; the loud beating. The only other sound was the wind and the crickets, and they put up no fight against the hammering in his chest.
"So, Sirius is back, right?" She said suddenly, "He's joining the order?"
Lupin was socked at the sudden mention of his friend Sirius, but it wasn't enough to leave him speechless- Tonks always wanted to talk about something, which, usually, Lupin as grateful for.
But this time, a strange heaviness appeared in his heart as he neared his answer.
"Yes, I suppose," he said finally, a small sigh escaping his lips. "Though, in a way he never really left."
"Huh," she responded. A few seconds went by before she continued, "You'd think Azkaban would change him, though."
"Oh, it most certainty has," Lupin answered back immediately. Maybe a bit too quick- but it was a truth that had to be known. Sirius was missing a light in his eye Lupin feared he would never see again, and it was a thought that would plague him for the rest of his life.
"Oh, I didn't mean- I meant physically," she clarified, suddenly leaning in very close, "He's still handsome, isn't he, even after Azkaban?"
Suddenly that bubble of happiness Lupin had felt popped, and he was left with a heart drained of emotions. Ah. So this is what Tonks wanted to talk about. Sirius, and his likes and dislikes, what he sees in a woman and how to get close to him- he was suddenly sixteen again, being approached by beautiful woman all wanting to get close to Sirius. But this time it was a thousand times worse, as if a thousand needles had managed to wriggle their way into his heart- because it wasn't beautiful woman anymore. It was Tonks. It was someone he knew, someone he cared for. Someone he loved.
Yes, loved. He loved her more than he could ever say, more than he could ever admit. It was a burning sensation that rattled his whole body, it made him breathless and thoughtless and left him a struggling idiot desperate for breath and thoughts; but she took them all, like a thief in the night, making himself bare and red faced- he hated it. But he didn't care. Because he loved her.
Bare wasn't so bad when true joy was the outcome.
But here she was, asking about serious, and his bare self had come out to play once again, and evil thing of anger and jealousy.
"He always got the women."
He had regretted it the second it had come out of his mouth- he had turned to Tonks in a panic, wanting to explain, to say he didn't mean it- but her face was just as red as his, fulled by anger and bitterness- she hated him, he'd lost her, she was gone- and she would never know her again-
"You'd know perfectly well who I've fallen for, if you weren't too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice."
Lupin blinked. And blinked again. At first he had thought he had imagined it. But no, Tonks was still mad and still red but this time she as blushing; she was blushing because she loved him and Lupin was still blinking because he didn't know what else to do.
"Oh, get over it," Tonks said lightly, turning her hed face away to revile her red ears and neck. Her pink hair was also turning a deeper colour, and Tonks nervously tried to hide it away by putting both hands firmly on her head and looking down sheepishly. Every once in a while she would steal a glance at Lupin, who was still looking so blank he could have been a stone statue.
"Will you just say something?" She begged, her voice raw and quiet. But Lupin still couldn't say anything. So he did something instead. He reached over, cupped her face in his rouch and callused hands, and turned her to face him.
She was so beautiful. From her pink hair to her dimpled chin she was just so, so beautiful. And this beautiful face was blushing for him, was loving him, and all he could think about was that she was a fool just like him, two fools in love with no clue what to do about it. And he wanted to kiss her. And he wanted to love her. And he wanted to say it.
But suddenly his hands were falling from her cheeks, and hanging down weakly at his side, suddenly as empty as the feeling in his heart.
He was still a werewolf.
He had almost forgotton- how could he ever forget? He was a monster, and monsters can't love, shouldn't love, because all they do it hurt- what if he hurt her? What if he ended her? No, no, no- Tonks wasn't the fool, it was just him- he was a fool for ever thinking this could ever be what he wanted it to be. He learned a long time ago to forget to want things- so why was he still wanting now?
"I'm sorry," he said finally. He didn't know what exactly he was sorry for. For nothing. For everything. For everything they could be and for the nothing they were.
"Yeah, you always are," she said, her voice dry and broken. He turned up to look at her, and there were tears floating in her eyes- shining against the darkness, light in the night. And suddenly he could feel tears in his eyes, too. But he knew they weren't shining.
He strongly suspected they never would again.