Clarity
/Chapter One/

Reality bores me. That's why I'm in my head more often than not, exploring everything. I can go anywhere in my head, really. I can go to France, or the ocean, or Mars, whenever I want and no matter where I am. Especially in class, all I have to do is turn my head out the window and I'm gone, sailing through the clouds on a purple talking carpet with a bowl of ice cream in my lap, or I have wheels for feet and I'm soaring down the highway. I can do anything. It's awesome. I've exercised my imagination so much, it takes me only a second of silence to spin something amazing in my brain, and then I'm far away.

Some people call it ADD. I call it bliss.

People pity me all the time and I don't really know why. I'm happy being like this, but people always give me The Eyebrows. You know, the ones that twist and meet over their noses. Like they feel sorry for me or something. I don't really care, though. I just imagine their eyebrows as caterpillars anyway. It makes peoples' faces really interesting. Life is a lot easier when you don't take it so seriously, and that's just what I do. I don't take anything seriously.

School bores me more than reality, actually. Even lunchtime. It's lunchtime right now, I think. I blink back into reality just for a moment to make sure I didn't miss the bell. Everything swims back into focus. No, there are still people around me. Andre's on my left, Robbie on the right. Rex's face is twisted toward my chest. He's a weird little doll. I can smell hotdogs and pizza, but just to make absolute certain I'm not totally daydreaming, I pinch the inside of my arm. I jump, pouting down at the spike of pain, the crescent moon in my skin.

"What's wrong, Cat?"

Andre's elbow meets mine and I turn to smile at him. I like Andre. He's nice and the color of the best candy; chocolate. "Nothing! Just making sure I'm awake."

He gives me The Eyebrows, reaches up and pats my head like I'm a puppy or something. I just smile and float away again. I'm so used to The Eyebrows, I don't even acknowledge it much anymore. I know people think I'm weird ... I'm not sure why. Well, I guess I am sure. I say things without really thinking about them. Some people have filters that make sure what they say at least makes sense ... but I don't. I just let my tongue say what he wants. My tongue's a guy, by the way, and he just says whatever. I don't care.

I turn my head up to the sky above me and imagine what it tastes like. Like ... cotton candy, I bet. I must make some kind of 'mm' sound because Andre scoots a little farther away from me. That's okay. There's something about weird people that puts everyone else off, makes them want to create distance. Whatever, more room for me and my overactive imagination. I guess I'd rather my imagination be wild and crazy than not there at all. Some people are so dull I can hardly stand talking to them, and some people don't even try to understand the possibility that the sky could taste like cotton candy. It's a great idea! What if it did? It would be delicious! Oh, but then everyone would be terribly fat, oh dear, maybe it'd be better if the sky tasted like broccoli or something equally gross -

Something warm touches my back. I lean back into the touch, not really knowing what it is, my eyes still on the sky. It's a soft, baby blue today. Baby blue ... I wonder where that term came from. Babies aren't blue at all. What a strange phrase. I'll have to ask someone, if I remember to, which isn't often. As soon as I have a thought it's gone, lost in a field of 'I can't remember's and 'ask me later's.

"Yo, Cat. Cat, Catarina, yoo-hoo."

I blink when something obscures my vision, blinking furiously as the bulbous shape starts to form facial features that I recognize. It's Tori, hanging over me, her hair falling past her cheeks like long brown waterfalls. Ew. That was actually a pretty gross simile.

"Hi!" I turn my head right side up because it was kind of getting dizzy there for a minute. I fold my hands in my lap and beam up at her. She's wearing this pretty purple shirt with chunky necklaces around her throat that look like brown marshmallows. She isn't giving me The Eyebrows - not yet, anyway, but she is looking at me with a degree of concern. Everyone does that, like they're waiting for me to bust into a million pieces. Like I'm a time bomb. I pout at the idea of me exploding; I like my body intact, actually. All of my pieces are very valuable to me, especially my hair. And my eyes. And my mouth. I use them for stuff.

"Cat -" Tori gestures to the table. "The bell rang. You coming?"

"Hm?" I follow her hand to the now empty table. In fact, the whole courtyard is deserted, the silence louder than I expected. I huff. I missed the bell again. I swear this happens to me once a week. I just get so lost in my head sometimes, I don't even notice everything else. It's like closing a door. A very heavy, very soundproof door that nothing else can get through. As much as I love it, it's pretty inconvenient sometimes, especially since I'm late for class all the time. I stand up, slipping out of the table. "Thanks, Tori! I didn't even notice, I was thinking about cotton candy and babies." I nod, because, well, it makes sense to me - it's the truth, isn't it?

I look at Tori. She's certainly making The Eyebrows now. I sigh. It's a stupid and totally dramatic thing to say that no one understands me, but they don't. I don't really expect them too. My mom always tells me that I'm unique and special and people are just put off by me because I'm different. Different and weird. I've always been okay with that. I'd rather be weird than normal, God forbid. Normal is boring! And dull! And what would I do with myself if I grew bored of myself? That's a pointless existence, I think.

I reach out and take Tori's hand in mine. It's warm, and the way her fingers fit in mine make me happy. I pull her close as we walk toward the door. At least she stayed back and let me know I miss the bell - Robbie, Beck, Jade, Andre, they usually just leave me there until I notice. Tori though ... she's different, too. I've noticed that since she moved here. There's just something about the way she talks, and looks at things, and says things, you know? It's weird. And she's always been nice to me - I mean, she snaps at me sometimes, when I'm being silly, but everyone does that. But no one's waited to make sure I heard the bell before. That's a new thing, a Tori thing. I smile, turning to watch her. I blink in surprise to see her eyes are on me, but her face looks ... curious. Like I'm a lab rat and she's waiting to see some kind of result to an expirement.

My imagination rolls a bit. I like rats. Rats are cute.

"Do you like rats?" I push open the door to the school with my shoulder. I'm still holding her hand when we get inside, keeping her close. The halls are thinning out.

"What? Oh, yeah, sure, sure I do." She smiles at me and then I just stop in the middle of the hallway.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She's got a new look on her face that I can't really describe. It's not just The Eyebrows, it's like she's trying to find an answer on my face. I reach up and touch my cheeks, my lips, my nose - did something fall on my face? Is something growing on it? Now would not be the most opportune moment for a pimple. Pimples are white pockets of gross! "Is something wrong with my face?"

Tori's eyebrows fly up and jump around like they've been electrocuted. "No! No, your face is fine, perfectly fine." She laughs, her hands waving in front of her. "I just, was trying to, uhm." She pauses, her foot sliding backwards. Her thumb flies over her shoulder. "I should actually just get going. Class. And ... stuff."

I frown at her. "Wait - no, you're trying to do what? It's okay, Tori, you can tell me!" I clap my hands together and press two fingers to my lips. "I'm good with secrets. Mostly because I forget them pretty soon after I hear them but really, tell me! You can't just bring it up and then let it drop!" I step forward, into her space again, and put my hands on her arms. "I pinky toe promise swear that I won't say a word."

Tori's eyes jump between mine, her mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out like a toy that lost its voicebox. She looks down, then up at me again, then back down. Maybe there really is something wrong with my face. I pull back one hand to touch my chin. Maybe I sported a beard this morning and didn't notice. I'm relieved to find that my chin is perfectly hairless like it should be and put my hand back on Tori's arm.

"C'mon, Tori."

A huge sigh leaves her then and she finally meets my eyes and holds them. "I just ... I was wondering why you aren't ... like, totally furious with me."

I blink stupidly. "What?"

"You know ..." Tori shifts a little bit and I let my hands fall down, just in case she wants to run away. "About Danny."

For a minute I don't know what she's talking about until a face snaps with the name. "Oh!" She's talking about kissing Danny a few weeks ago. My boyfriend. Er, ex-boyfriend. I frown then. I'd almost completely forgotten about it. It's another bonus about having a mind that works like mine; you can forget pretty quickly the things that bother you the most. I look down and touch my chin again. I'd almost rather have a beard than talk about this again. It happened, there's nothing I can do to change it, you know? So why waste a whole lot of energy being unhappy about it? Besides, of what I can remember, Danny was just a super good kisser. He didn't really get me, not that anyone does, completely ... but so few guys actually put up with all the weird stuff I say and do. He liked putting his hands up my shirt and I usually just let him, because he deserved it for letting me blab on and on about stupid stuff, right? I figure that's what relationships are all about.

I look back up at her. She's talking, but I'm just now tuning in. " - I know I apologized already, and you punched me in the nose, and I'm glad we're still friends, I really am, but I thought you would hold it against me and not that I'm not glad you're not I just don't get why you're so easy to forgive me and -"

"Tori." For once I'm the one that has to interrupt someone else. My hand raises and I press a finger to her lips, feel her breath rush out against it. I study her eyes for a moment; she seems so ... guilty. It's almost thick in her eyes, like I could scoop it out and smear it all over. I give her a smile. "It's okay. We're moving on, remember?" Moving on was a much better idea than lingering in the present because that's boring and pointless and seeing Tori kiss my boyfriend was a really painful image I'd rather soon blur than try to sharpen again.

Tori gives this weak little smile and moves forward, her arms around my waist. I hug her back. She smells like peaches, so I tell her that, and she laughs into my neck.

"You're the best, Cat."

I blink at that. The best? That's probably the first time I've ever heard that. 'You're weird, Cat. You're strange, Cat. You need to stop talking, Cat'- that's what I'm used to. Not the best. The best at what? I pull back and look at her eyes again. The guilt is still there and I wish I could take it out of her. It was a mistake, her kissing Danny, and I don't like holding grudges or putting blame on people. It makes me feel icky. Besides, Tori's a sincere person ... I believe her when she says she didn't mean it, that she wishes she could take it back. And I don't hold it against her, not really ... I mean, I know that my train of thought goes on a thousand different tracks and sometimes my common sense doesn't always kick in time and, overall, I'm not very smart, but I can understand that her and Danny used to be a thing and maybe there were feelings she was trying snuff out. Or build up. I don't know. That's not the point. The point is that it's over and we're still friends.

She touches my hair. I follow her hand with my eyes, watch her bronze fingertips flutter through the red strands at my cheek. My eyes travel up her arm like a road, to her mouth, to her eyes. She still seems sad, upset, almost ... torn up, like someone chopped up all of her feelings with a blender. They're tossed around her face, all of them fighting to take control all at once.

"I really didn't mean it," she says, her hand falling back to her side. The bell rings but neither of us move. I just ... I just want to stare at her a little bit longer. Tori's pretty even when she's sad. Her skin is kind of like Andre's but not as dark, like ... like milk chocolate, or caramel, and even though her eyes are on the floor and avoiding me I know that they're so dark they're almost black. All of the colors kind of fascinate me.

"Then why ...?" I don't want to ask because we've already talked about this; we went over it in the janitor's closet. And I of all people understand that sometimes you just do things without really thinking about them, but kissing someone is a little different than me, say, eating silly putty to see if it tastes like gum. FYI: it doesn't.

She sighs, reaching up to thread her hands through her hair, holding it back. Her eyes are still on the floor. A clock ticks behind her, my eyes momentarily leaving Tori to settle on it, watching the second hand tick the silence away. I get a little distracted until I see Tori's hand wave in front of my eyes, my head immediately snapping back to her. She chews on her knuckle before taking a big breath, her shoulders falling down.

"Because I was jealous."

I furrow my brow at her. Well, even I knew that. I can connect the easy dots, at least. "Then you still like Danny."

She sucks her lip between her teeth and gnaws at it so hard I'm afraid she might break the skin, so I reach out carefully and curl my finger under her chin, using my thumb to pull the victim lip out from her attacking front teeth. She pauses, her breath coming out in this rocky exhale that confuses me - what if she's having an asthma attack or something? I know what those are, they're scary. One time a boy in second grade had an asthma attack in the middle of a game of kickball, and he made all kinds of gross sounds like he was choking and it wasn't very nice and I don't want to see that happen to Tori -

"I wasn't jealous of you," she says then, glancing down at my hand until I let it drop to my side.

I'm still confused. Who else was there to be jealous of? If she didn't like Danny, then why did she kiss him? If she was jealous, then who of, if not me? I was Danny's girlfriend. I make sense. I'm the answer to the riddle, aren't I? My head is starting to hurt; I don't have conversations like this very often. I'm almost incapable of being serious for any extended amount of time, and people just avoid these kinds of things with me, assuming I can't handle it. And I guess I figured I couldn't handle it, either. I don't understand.

Tori takes another deep breath, followed by a short step backward. She twists her hands in front of her like she's trying to choke a bird. I watch them for a moment, imagine a bird strangling between her tan hands. And then she sighs, and her hands fall away, and the scared stutter of her breath brings my eyes back to hers.

"I was jealous of Danny."

The words don't make sense, even as I watch them come out of her mouth, even as I replay the shape of her lips as she said them over and over in my head. Jealous of Danny? Why would she be jealous of him when we were together? That doesn't make any sense. What did Danny have that she wanted? A penis? A flat chest? Uhm, a beard or something? Somehow I didn't get the idea that Tori thought she was born in the wrong body, but maybe I'm wrong?

"Do you want to be a boy?" I cock my head at her as she releases a short laugh. Her cheeks are red, burning scarlet under her eyes as she shakes her head and looks away from me, abusing her lip again. Once more I reach out, taking her chin firmly in my hand and pulling her back to face me, my free hand plucking the tattered lip from the grasp of her teeth. "Stop that, you're going to hurt your-"

It happens so fast that I don't even have time to blink: Tori's hand creates a loose noose around my wrist and pulls it away, freeing her lip, and she moves forward with her eyelids hooded and focused on my mouth and then soft, warm lips cover my own.

I freeze, my body locking up under her lips, inside her hands, my eyes wide for what feels like forever. Oh my gosh. Tori. Tori's kissing me. Why is Tori kissing me? This doesn't make sense! Tori's a girl! I mean, I know girls like girls sometimes, but Tori ... Tori likes guys, doesn't she? She likes Beck, I thought? But if she liked Beck she'd be kissing him right now and not me and she said she was jealous of Danny and the only thing Danny had when we were together was me and oh my gosh, Tori wanted me, she wants me.

I don't know how long the kiss lasts, all I know is that this is much better than Danny. This is much better than anyone I've kissed, and my eyes fall closed because they're too heavy, and I start ... I start kissing her back. I'm only half aware of the fact that I'm in the school hallway, that anyone could walk up on us, but that just ... it just makes my blood pump really hard in my ears, and she keeps kissing me, her other hand touching my cheek. Her fingertips are warm.

A tongue slides over my lower lip. I tremble, forgetting where I am, what I'm doing, but at the same time I don't think I've ever felt so ... lucid, so grounded. I don't have any thoughts in the background, no pestering distractions, it's just Tori and our lips and this kiss. And it's Tori that pulls away, gasping with her hand over her mouth like she just said a swear word. I blink blearily at her, struggling to focus, finding my knees nearly unable to keep me up. Tori's eyes are wide and frightened, darting to the clock, and then she's taking frantic steps backward.

"I'm sorry, Cat, oh my god, I'm sorry. I have to go, I have to get to class, I, oh -"

And then she's gone, all but sprinting down the hallway. I watch her back until it disappears before I slump against the nearest locker, my head buzzing. What just ... why? Why did that happen? How did ... why does ...

My thoughts won't get back in order. I end up staring at my feet for nearly five minutes, just trying to rearrange my brain, but all I manage to do is play the scene over and over like a DVD on repeat of Tori taking my wrist and kissing me and my heart starts thumping so hard against my ribcage I press a hand to my chest in worry, whispering down to it that it'll be okay. I lift my eyes to the hallway as if willing her to come back, to explain all of this to me.

And most things don't make sense to me, but this is one of those things I'm not going to let go. Not with the rate of my heart, not with the memory of lucidity still clutching to my lips.

A/N: This has been sitting in my documents for awhile now, and it wasn't until today, having no homework for the evening, that I finally finished it, touched it up, and decided to publish it. I'm thinking this will probably be 2-3 parts, but who knows? I have a tendency to make these things rather lengthy.

Please, review! If you review, a cat earns one of its nine lives back, and you know those adorable little creatures need them.