Ugly Yet Beautiful Changes
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why does my sanity flee
And my body break free?
I now have breasts, tests
And have to rest
From gym
Which is more painful than hymns
Sung by idiots supporting immediate
Intervention in personal affairs
While against care or flare
For the poor who glare
At the stares
From the followers of laize-fair.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I now have curves and periods
Along with a myriad
Of other problems
Caused by a goblin
With powers to alter reality
While fatalities
And brutality
Arise from the finality
Of rules from the mentality
Of an insane girl who has no formalities
And no respect for the legality
Of her decisions filled with strange duality.
Them being for liberality of body
But universality
In hospitality
And for classes to become unreality.
Was that poem confusing? If not, you might just be able to help me understand Haruhi, who indirectly caused the creation of this poem. Yes, I wrote it but I think I was confused out of my mind and also a little drunk. The latter comes from vodka passed to me, and the former comes from being tossed into one of the strangest Haruhi schemes ever, and Haruhi isn't even present. I have Mikuru, Yuki, and Itsuki fortunately, but no Haruhi I'm afraid. The only reason we even know what we're supposed to do is because of Yuki being contacted by the Data Integration Entity combined with a lucky guess from Itsuki.
What are we supposed to do? Why make the Soviet Union win the cold war of course. Oh, and make it democratic with a better civil rights record too. How do we know this? Okay, Yuki was contacted by the Data Integration Entity who told us we were in the year 1960. It also told us that Haruhi had recently subconsciously wished for this. "I want a world without nations, war, and classes."
How did the Data Integration Entity figure this out? I don't know but it's fortunate it did because otherwise we would've had nowhere to go. Then, Itsuki guessed that Haruhi wanted us to save the Soviet Union from collapse, something to do with finding similarities to Marx, but that she also probably wanted more civil rights. I'm guessing the latter guess comes from Haruhi wanting artistic freedom or something, but who knows. Okay, why in the world is Haruhi a communist? Any suggestions? Because I have no idea, but you know what? This all gets even worse, because Haruhi changed my gender, made Yuki the head of the Soviet Union, took away Mikuru's time travel device, and turned Itsuki into, a random guy with too much money on his hands. I'm not kidding with that last one, Itsuki spawned in as some rich author who got money from his book, which sent shockwaves through Japan. Why? Apparently, his book had erotic undertones but it became so popular that it stayed legal.
But anyway, we were stuck in a time loop. Until we changed reality so the Soviet Union at least survived the Cold War, that part we figured out through a weird psychology analysis, and the Soviet Union gets a civil rights record at least on the level of the United States. Okay, we've been through this time loop three times now. Yuki has tried hundreds of different policies, doing everything from partial liberalization of the economy or weird planning to syndicalism. What are these things? I'll explain later, however the real issue we discovered was trying to make the Soviet Union have a better civil rights record. We actually can make the Soviet Union perform better than the U.S. with planned economics as inefficient as they are, however improving civil rights at the same time is difficult. Well, we'll figure that part out over time I guess.
At first, we were totally confused. It took us one week to figure out the stuff with Haruhi. Fortunately, for some reason we were all in the same place. Well, okay, Mikuru was admittedly supposed to be a weird bodyguard, and Itsuki is a, "Expert On Western Culture," which is really just an extremely fancy way of saying that he knows a lot about what's popular in the West. This, oddly, includes Japan because Japan is still free from the Soviet Union. Not that it was ever taken in normal history, however we will probably have to change that. I myself was a, "Entertainment Expert," for Yuki, which basically meant I was supposed to design entertainment to increase loyalty and entertain the populace. I was different from the propaganda department because I primarily made movies. I had recently made some movie that was so good; it was getting secret sales over in the U.S. The movie was called, "The Gutter," and was basically about a man in the U.S. becoming degraded by capitalism physically and morally. The entire movie ended on him committing suicide after his wife has been raped, and all of his children have either drowned in mud or killed by thugs working for the man's boss.
Okay, I need to more fully explain Mikuru's job. She apparently is supposed to protect Yuki from, "Threats from an unusual or unexpected source," which means she carries lots of random crap around. These include drugs meant to destroy brainwashing, a pocket watch that is supposedly able to stop hypnosis through counter hypnosis, and a flower which has a scent supposed to be able to increase intelligence. You know is really creepy, all this crap actually works. The drugs can interrupt intoxication, normal hallucinations, drug induced hallucinations like from LSD, and can counter almost any poison imaginable to name a few. The pocket watch actually can counter hypnosis because it can hypnotize itself easily. Why? Well, it is very shiny in a good way, and it has a very beautiful design that draws in your eyes, allowing for easy hypnosis. The flower causes one to have an increase in intelligence because it causes one to think incredibly fast, allowing one to process information far faster than normal. But, the plant can also cause hallucinations if abused, so it is only used in extreme situations, and ironically never on Yuki, but rather on her advisors normally.
How did Mikuru get these things? I have no idea, she just had them when we, appeared basically. We came in the middle of meeting and we had to learn a lot very quickly, which we fortunately did, or we would've been killed possibly. Yeah, count on Haruhi to suddenly have you kind of, appear, in the middle of a FREAKING DIPLOMATIC MEETING! Seriously, we might have accidentally caused nuclear war. Well, considering Haruhi probably doesn't exactly have the highest respect ever for the safety of billions of people, that is to be expected.
Okay, when I said earlier I didn't know why Haruhi was communist, I partially lied. I don't why she is communist, but I do know why she is anti-capitalism. Her father committed suicide when the economy crashed in Japan. It didn't help that her mother died shortly afterwards from cancer in the United States because of something debacle involving health insurance. Add to that adopted parents who are fervent Socialists with the economic crash continuing for so long, and you start to understand the origin of her, dislike of capitalism. You understand why she loathes it when you add in to all of that being traumatized by the Yakuza in an incident that involved a debt her parents had paired with learning her father also committed suicide so that his family would be spared lots of bad debts.
However, it doesn't make sense she would be communist. While her adopted parents are Socialist, they would be anti the Soviet Union because they were also fervent environmentalists and the Soviet Union sucks when it comes to protection of the environment. Somehow, I think Haruhi would be environmentalist too. Something to do with, oh I don't know, an incident involving ECO-TERRORISM! Seriously, she once cut holes in a ton of fuel tanks of cars to make sure they couldn't move. They never caught her, however she once bragged about it to us, and I don't doubt her doing it.
To add to this unlikeliness, she massively supports civil rights, although she did admittedly require that we improve the Soviet Union in that respect, and probably wouldn't be able to get her anime fix in the Soviet Union. Okay, I know this political side of Haruhi is odd, however I didn't even know about it until quite recently. Basically, a creepy diary revealed most of this that she sent me before this all happened. I'm not kidding here, although the environmentalism I did find out from her bragging but at the time I thought she did it because of a conspiracy involving aliens.
Now, her support of civil rights is more because she wants good entertainment, and environmentalism is I think because she wants the government to use a carbon tax to fund things more often, but her Socialism is more genuine. So, perhaps that is why she would support the Soviet Union? Okay, but if that's the case, why make us change things? Why not just alter reality where that is the case? Does she want us to prove that we are worth a damn by doing this and become "enlightened" in the process? Oh wait, I know the reason. It's that, and I pissed her off recently by attempting to leave the SOS Brigade. Yeah, the results involved sending me a package that contained the creepy diary and what we have here perhaps. Yeah, I guess I should learn to not ever screw around with Haruhi.
You know, Haruhi now is very frightening in comparison to her old self because now, not only is she incredibly insane, she is also extremely political, and that would be like force feeding some kid with severe ADHD a couple grams of crack. That kid still wouldn't be as dangerous because he isn't omnipotent, while Haruhi kind of is. Yes, I'm sorry all of you religious people, but it looks a girl that would make the average conspiracy theorist look perfectly sane by comparison is as close as we will have to a god, not someone that is wise and loving I'm afraid. But hey, I'm sure knowing you guys, you can find a way to make Haruhi seem holy and make a new religion called Haruhism that will be the envy of everyone, right? I mean, I'm sure you can make the religions lately look ludicrous somehow. Anything is possible through religion these days, and in the past. Why would that be any different here?
Now, I bet you're wondering what I look like. Well, Haruhi did quite a number on me. She gave me HUGE breasts, other generous curves, grew out my now red hair until it covered my back, and finally, cut a few centimeters off my height. Fortunately, I'm allowed to hide all this through a Soviet Union style uniform that includes a massive jacket for some reason. Speaking of which, this uniform is AWESOME! Even Mikuru suddenly looks tough in it, which means Haruhi cares about the clothing of the Soviet Union? Odd, but hey, I'm happy, because I now look like a freaking bad ass despite my new feminine figure because of these clothes. The uniform is a mix of black, and red to create this very cool look that action heroes would be envious of. Again, I'm not totally sure why Haruhi decided the Soviet Union needed to look badass but hey, it's fine with me. Even the hat I wear is awesome, because it completes the military combined with sleuth look that I think the whole suit is going for. Over all, this world is both really bad, and kind of cool with the uniforms. But hey, with Haruhi involved, do you ever really know what to expect of things?