Manic Monday
SG-1 walked into the commissary Monday morning with a mission on their minds. Their mission had nothing to do with the gate. Their mission was to teach Bra'tac, Rya'c and Kar'yn a little more about the Tau'ri.
They arrived in the commissary at 1100, an hour early, to eat lunch. Most base personnel wouldn't arrive in the commissary for lunch until 1200, leaving them an hour to eat before putting their plan into action.
Their mission had come about on Saturday, when Rya'c had innocently enough asked Cameron what a food fight was. Since Cameron was... well Cameron, he told Rya'c he'd show him on Monday.
Cameron spent the rest of the weekend trying to convince Sam and Daniel that showing Rya'c what a food fight was, was so much better than telling him.
It had taken him the rest of the night and two six packs of beer to convince them. After one beer, Daniel was helping Cameron come up with ways to start a food fight. Sam needed a few more beers to be convinced enough to help plan the assault.
Monday, 1200
A quick explanation to Rya'c, Kar'yn, Teal'c and Bra'tac on what you did in a food fight and they were ready.
As the commissary filled up, the three Tau'ri members of SG-1 replayed the plan in their minds. For Phase One they refilled their trays with food suitable for a food fight. They had the advantage of knowing what was coming.
Once all seven trays were filled with as much food as possible without raising suspicion, they returned to their crowded table. Trying to fit seven people at one table wasn't as easy as they originally thought. Especially when one of those people happened to be Teal'c.
With Cameron, Teal'c, Bra'tac and Daniel sitting facing the door, and Sam, Kar'yn and Rya'c with their backs to the door, Phase Two was in place.
Phase Two belonged to Cameron and Sam, and worked better than any of them could've dreamed. Cameron spotted some poor unsuspecting Airman carrying a tray of food and alerted Sam. Sam discreetly stuck her foot out and tripped that poor Airman. The Airman's tray went flying and landed in the lap of a very irate Marine who stood up to yell at the Airman. In the process of standing up, his shoulder hit the tray of one of the scientists walking by, sending her tray flying, hitting another Marine in the face. The second Marine wasn't any happier with being hit in the face with food than the first, who still had food in his lap. The second Marine picked up some food off his tray and threw it in the direction of the scientist, missing her completely but hitting Teal'c in the face. A complete silence fell over everyone in the commissary waiting to see how the Jaffa warrior would react to having food running down his neck.
Before Teal'c was able to react, Cameron took that as his cue. Standing up he yelled, "FOOD FIGHT!"
Just two little words, and the commissary was in chaos. Airmen, Marines, scientists and even members of the commissary staff were throwing food.
Sam quickly took cover on the other side of the table, next to Cameron, thankful that their table was so close to the back wall.
Everyone was quickly covered in everything from mashed potatoes and gravy to JELL-O in various colors.
The four non-Tau'ri occupants of the commissary remained seated, until Teal'c decided to retaliate for the food running down his neck. Soon Bra'tac, Rya'c and Kar'yn followed suit, grabbing food off their trays, and throwing it at the people sitting across from them.
Meanwhile, in the surveillance room...
General Landry had been summoned to the surveillance room, with a very cryptic phone call, telling him there was something going on in the commissary that he would have to see to believe.
He was currently in the surveillance room looking at footage of the food fight. And he still didn't believe his eyes.
Everyone in the commissary, including the elite SG-1 and company was involved in a food fight. Closing his eyes, hoping that when he opened them he'd wake up at home, in his own bed, and this would turn out to be some wacky, wacky, dream. Unfortunately, upon opening his eyes he had no such luck. Everyone in the commissary was still throwing food at each other.
Deciding to put a stop to it, he headed to the commissary to do just that. Looking back, walking into an ongoing food fight, was probably not the smartest decision he had ever made.
Back in the commissary...
Everyone was throwing food at everyone else, but alas, all good things must come to an end. Although everyone in the commissary wished it had ended differently.
Sam grabbed a handful of something off her plate, and launched it across the room. It was at that moment that General Hank Landry walked through the doors. Unfortunately, the food Sam had just thrown hit said General in the face. Sam didn't see the general until it was too late to do anything about it. As soon as she saw him, she came to attention and froze.
Cameron, seeing the look of sheer horror on Sam's face, looked up toward the commissary doors to see what had caused her to suddenly stand at attention in the middle of a food fight.
When he saw General Landry standing in the commissary doorway with what looked like a mixture of JELL-O and mashed potatoes running down his face, complete with gravy. The look of curiosity was replaced with his own look of horror.
Cameron quickly came to attention yelling, "TEN-HUT" in the process.
Almost immediately all Tau'ri occupants of the commissary, military and nonmilitary alike, came to attention. The four non-Tau'ri occupants simply stopped what they were doing.
If looks could kill, every person in the commissary would've been dead twice over. The glare General Landry gave them would've been enough to make a Prior fall over dead.
"Clean this mess up, NOW!" was all the General said, and with on final glare he turned and left the commissary.
General Landry made his way back to the surveillance room, with the intent of checking the surveillance footage before the food fight, in hopes of figuring out what happened.
As soon as he arrived in the surveillance room, he ordered the Airmen present to bring up the security footage for the commissary, starting from a half-hour before the food fight. He was hoping to find something unusual that would tip him off on who started it. After all, this was a military base, not an elementary school. Short of an alien virus to blame for the food fight, somebody was in a lot of trouble.
"The video is ready to go, sir."
"Alright Airman, let's see who was in the commissary a half-hour ago," General Landry instructed one of the Airmen, just before turning to another Airman and asking him to go get Walter. He figured if they were looking for something out of the ordinary Walter would be the one to spot it. Walter always seemed to know what the latest betting pool was, and the latest gossip on the grape vine.
Before the Airman in question even left the room, Walter came through the door.
"You needed me, sir?"
"Walter, you wouldn't by any chance happen to be related to Radar O'Reilly, would you?"
"No, sir. Was that what you needed me for, sir?"
"No. I need you to look at this surveillance tape with me. I want to know who started the food fight, which means we're looking for anything out of the ordinary."
"Yes, sir. If I may ask sir, why me?"
"You've been here longer than I have. You know the people in this mountain, and their habits better than most."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
"Alright Airman, play the tape."
As General Landry and Walter watched the tape, Walter noticed something unusual.
"Can you pause that?" Walter asked the airman.
"Did you notice something out of place?"
"Yes, sir, it's SG-1, sir."
"What about SG-1? They look like they're sitting down eating lunch like they do every day."
"That's what's wrong, sir."
"Walter, explain."
"Well sir, SG-1 does eat lunch in the commissary almost every day. But right now it's 1215. That means that a half hour ago it was 1145. If you look at the security tape, you notice they're almost done already. I think we need to go back further on the security tape, and see how early they got to the commissary, sir."
"Walter, are you suggesting that SG-1 started a food fight?"
"Well sir, SG-1 is never early for lunch. And it's not uncommon for Colonel Carter and Dr. Jackson to forget about lunch altogether, until someone drags them from their labs, sir."
"Okay Airman, run the tape back another half-hour."
"Yes, sir."
"So Walter, any new betting pools I can get in on?"
"Betting pools, sir?"
"Come on, Walter, they were here when Jack was in command, and I'm sure when Hammond was in command. Jack told me you're the one to go to for the latest bets."
Luckily Walter was spared from answering Landry's question by the Airman. "Sir, the tape's ready to go."
"Airman, is that still SG-1?"
"Yes, sir."
"Okay. Start rewinding it and lets see when they came into the commissary."
After watching the tape for a few minutes, they saw SG-1 enter the commissary.
"Stop it right there, Airman. What time is that?"
"1100, sir," the Airman answered.
"Walter, I think you might be right. I think I'm going to take a walk back to the commissary."
Back in the commissary...
"So Sam, where did you learn to throw like that?" Cameron asked.
"My brother taught me. Not like that matters now. I just hit my commanding officer in the face with mashed potatoes and gravy. My military career is over."
"Don't forget the JELL-O," Cameron reminded her.
"Gee, thanks for the reminder Cameron. You know this is your fault."
"How is it my fault?"
"You couldn't be happy with just telling Rya'c what a food fight was. Oohhh noooo, you had to show him."
"Hey, you went along with it."
"Yeah, and I had finished how many beers the night I agreed to this?"
"Don't forget the beer with breakfast," Daniel added.
"Yeah, why did we have beer with breakfast?" Sam asked.
"To try to ease our hangovers. But you're not helping my case here Daniel," Cameron said.
"Never mind that. The General doesn't know that the food fight was started intentionally, so unless you want somebody to hear us talking about it, and tell General Landry it was us, I suggest we keep our mouths shut about whose fault it is until we leave the commissary," Daniel stage whispered to the two arguing Air Force officers.
Just as Daniel finished saying this, General Landry appeared in the commissary.
"Alright people, everybody go get cleaned up," ordered General Landry. As everyone started to make their exits as quickly as possible without running, the General spoke up again causing everyone to stop and wait to hear what he had to say. "Everyone except the members of SG-1, who are going to finish cleaning up the commissary and then get themselves cleaned up and report to my office," the General announced.
All thoughts of leaving quickly were gone as a chorus of "ooohhhs" was started at the realization that the members of SG-1 were in trouble. With a glare from General Landry everyone once again was trying to make a quick exit.
General Landry left the commissary to return to his office.
General Landry's office...
An hour later General Landry was sitting in his office waiting for SG-1 to make an appearance when he heard a knock on his office door.
After calling enter, the four members of SG-1 hesitantly entered his office.
"Well, I see you got yourselves cleaned up."
"Yes, sir," the members of SG-1 answered together.
"Well by all means take a seat. As you may have guessed, I've discovered that you four are responsible for the food fight. I'm more than a little surprised by that fact. Before I tell you what the consequences of your actions are, out of curiosity I want to know what possessed you four to decide to start a food fight."
The members of SG-1 looked at each other, but remained silent.
"Well, don't all speak up at once, we wouldn't want anyone the get into an argument over who gets to explain."
Finally Cameron decided it was time to bite the bullet, so to speak. "Well, sir, you see sir, uh-"
After allowing Cameron to stutter for awhile, Teal'c took it upon himself to explain. "General Landry, I believe there is a saying among the Tau'ri, that states, 'inquisitiveness terminated the feline', is there not?"
"There is Teal'c. It's a little different than that, but what does that have to do with the food fight?"
Sam, deciding it was her turn to pick up the story from where Cameron and Teal'c left off, started with her own explanation of what led to the food fight. "Well sir, on Saturday, Rya'c asked Cameron what a food fight was, and it just kind of escalated from there, sir."
Cameron once again picked up the story. "Well sir, I've always thought that visual representation was a lot better tool than just telling someone the meaning of something. So when Rya'c wanted to know what a food fight was, I told him I'd show him on Monday. I convinced Sam and Daniel to help me. Teal'c was just as curious to actually see a food fight, as Rya'c was to find out what one was. So we came up with a plan on how to start one. This morning we put that plan into action, sir."
"You mean that the four of you started a food fight for the sole purpose of showing Rya'c what it was?" General Landry asked in disbelief.
"Yes, sir."
"Yes, sir."
"Indeed."
While the other members of SG-1 verbally confirmed what the General was asking, Daniel just nodded in affirmation.
General Landry shook his head in disbelief and said, "Well, since the four of you seem to have so much fun with the food in the commissary, you've been temporarily reassigned. For one week the four of you will work in the commissary. Your duties will consist of making the meals and cleaning up. Also for one week, you swap salaries with those who work in the commissary on a regular basis. While you work in the commissary, the only thing the people who usually work there will have to do, is observe you for a day or so to make sure you do your jobs properly. After that they're on vacation."
"But sir, we have a mission to Z3X-423 tomorrow at 0900."
"Not anymore, Colonel Mitchell. That mission has been given to SG-6. That and any other missions you had scheduled for the next week are going to be shuffled around to other SG teams. In fact, short of needing you to save the world, the four of you won't be going off world for two weeks."
"Two weeks, but sir, what are we supposed to do for two weeks, if we don't go off world?" Cameron asked.
"As I said before, for the first week the four of you have a job in the commissary, after that, Colonel Mitchell you can catch up on paperwork, Dr. Jackson, you and Teal'c can work together on the artifact brought back from D5T-786 by SG-8, and Colonel Carter, you will be otherwise engaged off base for the week. Is that understood?"
"Yes, sir."
"Yes, sir."
"It is indeed understood, General Landry."
Instead of answering the General's question, Daniel asked one of his own. "What is Sam gonna do off base for a week?"
"Dr. Jackson, what I've assigned Colonel Carter to do off base isn't really your business. I'd like an answer to my question."
"Of course, I understand General."
"Good. Now, Teal'c, Dr. Jackson and Colonel Mitchell, you're dismissed. Colonel Carter, you'll stay here and I'll explain to you what your assignment for next week is."
As Teal'c, Cameron and Daniel left they gave Sam looks of curiosity.
"Colonel Carter, take a seat. Next week a Major General will be in Colorado, and your job will be to show him around. Take him to a few touristy places. Basically babysit him and keep him out of my hair. At the end of the week we promised him a tour of the base, and he requested to have lunch with an SG team. I thought you and the rest of SG-1 would be the perfect choice."
"Yes, sir. If I may ask, what's the Major General's name?"
While trying to hide a smile, General Landry said, "Major General Jack O'Neill. You're dismissed. Oh, and Colonel, tell the rest of SG-1 that you start work in the commissary at 0500 tomorrow. And one more thing, I want to make myself clear when I say, if Jack hadn't specifically asked for you, then I wouldn't be allowing you to do this. Is that understood?"
Now trying to hide her own smile, she said, "Yes, sir, thank you, sir."
After his office door closed he shook his head while muttering to himself, "I hate full moons."