The Summer of Heartbreak
A Side-Story of 'The Road Not Taken'
*
Sirius opened his eyes, wondering briefly how he had ended up in the infirmary at Hogwarts. The last thing he remembered had been the nightmares-
Suddenly, someone put a hand on his shoulder; Sirius started. He glanced at his side, where a familiar face hovered above him, golden eyes slanted to reflect the worry written in the entire expression. It was Remus. Sirius growled, turning his head away from the werewolf.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have something better to do? Or, rather, someone?"
At the angry tone in Sirius' voice, Remus' skin paled, and for a moment, he looked lost...and hurt. "Padfoot? What do you-"
"I don't want to see you, Moony. I've had enough pain this last year *without* having to deal with you right now. Okay? If we're both at James' sometime, maybe we'll find a chance to *discuss*." He closed his eyes, mostly as an effort to not have to look at Remu's face, the pain sketched in his eyes. But when Remus spoke again, it was the tone that almost got to Sirius.
"And that's another thing. You aren't serious, are you?" Sirius gave a snort, as if wholly dismissing Remus.
"Of course I am. Who else would I be?"
'Yes, go on, Remus. Get mad.' Sirius risked peeking at Remus, whose hurt face had dissolved into an expressionless mask. 'Great. Just get angry.'
"That's a petty response and you know it. I've lived there for twelve years-"
"It might have been prudent to think about that *before* you shacked up with *Snivellus*." Remus' mask fell apart at Sirius' statement. It looked quite like he'd lost all support as he slumped against the wall, face bent to the ground.
"Padfoot, you don't understand-"
"Yeah, I don't understand why *anyone* would find *Snape* attractive! Look, just leave, and I won't call Poppy." Sirius tried to show weariness, annoyance, instead of the hurt and anger he felt, in his voice. He didn't really know if he succeeded.
"Paddy-"
"It's Sirius. You can't call me *that* anymore."
*
On the train home (Poppy had told Sirius he couldn't Apparate for at least another week, and he did *not* want to stay in the castle that long), Sirius rested his forehead on the window, letting his eyes remain unfocused. His mind, treacherous thing that it was, wouldn't let him ignore his memories of Remus.
Moony...
He had never been comfortable with Remus leaving for so long, but Remus had insisted. 'I have to see...if I can handle the moon by myself anymore. I think...I've grown too reliant on James, Peter...you.' Sirius hadn't responded, trying to let Remus believe it hadn't hurt Sirius to hear, that Remus believed his love was crippling him. So he'd let Remus go, wishing him luck, and resigning himself to a year of cold beds, little sleep, and getting nothing done at work.
Moody had confined Sirius to desk work after three weeks, saying that he could handle mistakes in paperwork, but not on the field. And that had only made things worse.
He hadn't heard anything from Remus, not even a short note. Not until November, when he'd gotten an owl from Severus Snape.
He still had it; he carried it in his robes. Sirius could almost recite it by heart, now. There had been some formalities, small talk, and then...Sirius beat his head against the window, cursing.
'I know that you don't approve of me, Sirius, but I felt it would be important to tell you Remus had a very good reason to not want you around this year-me. He and I have been...well, a great deal more intimate than you would have wanted. I won't pretend that I'm sorry to have to tell you this. You know my feelings. However...well, I suppose I would have been happier if I'd had him from the start. Look, why don't you take this-' There had been fifteen Galleons in the letter, 'and find yourself someone to help you forget this, 'kay?'
"Damn it," Sirius muttered, feeling the tears starting. He'd written a hurried response to that letter, one to Severus, and one to Remus. He regretted neither. After all, Severus was a bastard who'd done nothing but moon after *Sirius'* boyfriend during seventh year, and Remus-well, Remus had betrayed him.
He just wished it hadn't hurt so much.
*
"Sirius?" The small London house echoed Remus' timid question, and with that, he realized that the walls were empty. A scant year ago, they had been covered with photos of the Marauders, with the majority featuring a *very* happy couple. Sirius and Remus posing in Rome, Venice, Paris, New York, Tokyo, and around town. And of course, there were the bookcases. All of the items, in their own way, were testaments of the bond between the two men living in the house.
Not any more.
Remus stared at the blank walls, feeling empty at the sudden loss of memories. How could Sirius so methodically destroy what the two of them had collected over twelve years? What had prompted such-well, he knew. But Remus couldn't see why Sirius wouldn't even *listen* to him.
A person appeared at the top of the stairs, a black-haired man whose face *should* have been lit with joy; however, Sirius looked wary, his brown eyes guarded. And he held his wand at his side.
"Sirius, why are you acting like this? Why won't you even listen to me?" Sirius came down the stairs, his expression hardening.
"Because not only did you cheat on me-"
"Sirius, just let me-"
"Not only did you *cheat on me*, but it was with one of the people that you *know* I truly hate. I don't want to hear explanations, because whatever it is, you found something in Snape that I couldn't give you, and I'm not going to be involved with someone who would ever see me as lacking in relation to Severus Snape."
Remus let the growing growl escape his throat; Sirius was being utterly infuriating, worse than he had ever been in school, and he was going to let the man know it-no matter how much he loved him. "Sirius, you are an utter bastard. But let me tell you something: ever since I met you, you've been an insufferable rogue, never willing to give your enemies peace, and always out to cause chaos. I might have hated you for that, except for the fact that you showed an unbreakable loyalty for the people you chose as friends. You stood by them in everything. Tell me, Sirius. Was this just until hard times came along, or are you making a special exception for me? Because if you tell me that you're really giving up on me, I *will* leave. I won't bother you anymore. It's what you want, right?"
Sirius closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and Remus almost let himself hope that Sirius would give him a chance. But when the face snapped back into a mask, that hope died. "I've stood by my friends, Remus, because they've always stood by me. But you've *betrayed* me. I can't forgive that, no matter what the circumstances. Yes, I want you to go."
Remus turned to go, but then paused. He couldn't leave without asking. If he was going to lose his partner, he might as well hold on to the only other love of his life. "Sirius...what did you do with my books?"
"Sold 'em. I can't live in this house being reminded of you every day, Remus. And I figured it'd be worth it to hurt you as much as you hurt me. Now go before I hex you."
Remus paused in the doorway, looking back, hoping to find some trace of the insufferable charmer he'd come to know at Hogwarts, but the cold mask that faced him held none of the warmth he'd known. Remus closed the door, feeling a sharp jolt in his heart as he did so. He'd gotten through the year on the assurance that he would go back to Sirius at the end; now that this hope had been crushed, he was sure that following months would be torture.
*
"Sirius?" Sirius Black glared at the wall of his house, wondering why Peter was here. None of the other Marauders had communicated with him since...the incident. And he had to admit that it was more than a little distracting. He glanced from the wall to the doorway to the living room as Peter, a chubby, nervous man, stepped into it.
"Wha'dyou want?" Sirius demanded, trying to fight off the lethargy Remus' absence forced upon him.
"Oh, I just wanted to stop by and chat," Peter murmured, taking a seat on the stool next to Sirius' chair. "Even though you are being a real bastard, we *are* worried about you." He gave Sirius a faint smile. "Moody says he's about two feet away from just giving you a few months of paid forced leave. Now, Sirius, we've got only one side of this story, because what you went on about before you...left, didn't make much sense. Can you tell me what happened?"
"It's simple. Moo-Remus lied to me. He went to Hogwarts by himself so that he and Snape could fuck in peace without worrying about me finding out. You know what that did to me? It did this. Are you happy?"
Peter's face paled a little. He shifted nervously, and then placed a hand on the arm of the armchair.
"Look, Sirius. I know you're really upset about this, but...well, you can't kill yourself over this. I know you're not thinking about suicide," he said preemptively, "but you might as well be; you're not eating, you've locked yourself up in here. It's worse than a prison, Sirius. Look, you have to admit to yourself that Sirius...found someone else. I know you had some great times together, but it's over. You weren't 'the one', and for that fact, neither was he."
"Really? Then why the hell does it hurt so much? I've gotten rid of everything in this house that reminds me of him! None of you have even spoken to me-"
Peter shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "Yeah, I know that, Sirius. It's just that...he sort of got to us first. But if you can't forget about him, then maybe...maybe it's time for a change."
"What sort of change, Peter?"
*
"By Merlin, I never thought I'd see the day!" Vega Black embraced her son, clutching hard onto him. "Sirius, I...I can't believe this. To think that you have finally seen what I've been telling you for years-I've never been more proud of you." Sirius gave his mother a half-hearted hug, not wanting to tell her the real reason he'd come back to 12 Grimmauld Place.
'Hi mum, I'm coming back here because I'm trying to forget my lover-yes, the werewolf. Peter Pettigrew told me it was time for a change, and this was about the biggest change I could think of.' He doubted it would go over well. So he gritted his teeth and let her hug him. There would be time enough for explanations later.
"Thank you, mother, for finding it within your heart to forgive me. After all, what I did was...unforgivable."
"No, no, not unforgivable. However, it was something..." She shook her head, trying to clear away the memories. "I am glad that you finally came to understand your duties. I had almost given up hope-perhaps I can yet find a *suitable* woman to help you fulfill your duties to our name." She gave Sirius a blinding smile. "Oh, Sirius. You are the last of our family name...What you have done makes me truly happy. Grandchildren!"
*
Remus took deep breaths, trying to ignore the pain. He hadn't realized how much Severus had helped...he'd been living six months without the pain, the rage, the pure animal *lust* that drove him to kill, hurt, maim. He tried to forget that he was bleeding in dozens of places, his own claws the weapons. He tried to ignore how much it hurt to be laying in a cold bed, without warm arms wrapped around him, a soft voice soothing him as he awoke to the aches that always came, even with Severus' help, even without the anger.
"Damn it," he whispered. Every morning he woke up, hoping it would all be a dream. But every morning, he woke up in James and Lily's house, in a cold bed, and often to the sounds of an eleven-year-old boy running around like an idiot. An eleven-year-old boy who was also missing one of his loved ones.
Remus fought to keep from screaming; he did not want to be reminded of Sirius with every thought. So that meant no showering, no sleeping in a bed, no cooking...
He rolled out of bed, massaging sore muscles and growling quietly. He got dressed, missing the, well, not witty, but at least amusing, banter from his favorite dog, and the stolen kisses-
"Well, fuck." He stormed downstairs in a terrible mood, feeling the need to snap at someone. It was only bad luck that Peter was the first person to see him that morning. "Get out of my way, Pettigrew! I am *not* in a good mood." The short, pudgy man blanched.
"Oh dear...I think this is a bad time," he said. "I just...I saw Sirius yesterday, and-"
"Where?" Remus demanded, grabbing Peter's collar. "How is he? Did he say anything?"
"Ah...well, there is that. You see, Remus, Sirius wasn't really that upset. He's moving on, getting on with his life, seeing other people." At Remus' warning growl, Peter shook his head. "Well, that was implied. But I'd assume he's moving onto greener pastures, given the fact that he...he's moved back in with his mother."
Remus froze. Back-Sirius had vowed never to return to that accursed place. His mother had cut him off for...well, everything, and in return (well, not in return for her actions, but for the life she had given him), he left the house she lived in, never to have anything to do with her, or the family she still held in her good graces, again. That he had returned to her, it showed a change in his mind, his heart, his life. It was, in fact, the furthest he could get away from Remus; no Black would associate with a Dark creature, especially not a werewolf...
"Damn him!" Remus snapped, punching the wall. "Why is he doing this to me, Peter? What would possibly posses him-"
"Did you see him while you were gone, Remus? He wasn't the same; he was distracted, tired, depressed. You broke him, Remus. He loved you, and spending so much time away from you, he couldn't take the strain. Do you understand how easily torture like that can break you?" Peter grinned sardonically. "Mere weeks, if you're lucky. I don't blame him for leaving you, seeing how you did it first."
"I didn't leave him!" Remus protested. "Peter, I only needed-"
"I know what you were doing," Peter said, nodding. "But to a man who's lost his partner, things aren't as clear." He shook his head, sadly. "I think you need to find him, try to apologize. After all, the longer he's away from you, the more irrational he'll get." Peter sighed. "Remus, I hate seeing the Marauders broken up like this. Please...do something about it."
"Remus? Peter? What're you doing? Mum wanted to know who was at the door-hey, Remus, is Sirius with you?" Remus turned to face Harry, his almost-nephew/godchild who, despite being brilliant at Quidditch, quite a talented wizard, and a wonderful boy, was a tad dense when it came to more worldly matters.
He tugged at Remus' shirt, looking a little worried. "I haven't seen Sirius for almost a year, and he doesn't answer letters and...Remus, does Sirius still love me?"
No one, it seemed, had ever thought to talk to Harry about this; he was young, Remus guessed, and couldn't deal with the emotional aspects of the situation. Remus doubted that, and besides, he didn't feel it was fair to let Harry be dealt the brunt of what was between him and Sirius. "No, Harry. It's...complicated. I think we need to go into the other room." Peter shrugged as Remus glanced at him.
"I'm sorry-got so much work to do. I hope this all works out..."
Remus led Harry into the living room at the back of the house, giving Lily a significant glance. She followed the two of them and sat down next to Harry. 'What is it?' she mouthed at Remus.
'Sirius,' he mouthed back. She paled, and tightened her grip on Harry's hand.
"Now, Harry...you know that your mother and father love each other very much, right?" Remus asked. Harry nodded, looking worried.
"Are they mad at each other?" Lily shot Remus a sharp look, and then jumped in.
"No, Harry. What Remus is trying to say is that...well, your father and I love each other very much. And, well...Remus, help me out here."
"Harry, Sirius and I also love each other very much," Remus said, his voice shaking. "We lived in the same house because we wanted to be with each other all the time. Do you understand?" Harry nodded. "He and I, well, we considered getting married, once."
"Don't you have to be...aren't married people supposed to be a man and a woman?" Harry asked; he was shifting nervously in his seat, and looked upset. "I...Mum?"
Lily moved her arm to wrap it around her son. "The point is that Sirius and Remus are in love with each other, Harry. Can you understand that?" Harry glanced at Remus, who gave a shaky nod, and then he nodded, too.
"But then why is Remus so unhappy? Aren't people in love supposed to be happy? You and Dad don't go around moping like that...oh."
Remus nodded, bowing his head.
"Harry, Sirius and Remus got very upset with one another and Sirius...decided that he didn't really love Remus." Harry gave his mother another confused look.
"But you're not supposed to stop loving someone..."
"No, you're not, Harry. But sometimes, when people in love do foolish things, their emotions get very confused." Lily glanced at Remus, sympathetic. "And something happened that made Sirius think Remus didn't love *him* any more."
"Because he...'fucked' Snape?" Harry asked. Lily gasped, and Remus snapped his head up, startled.
"Harry, where did you hear that word?" Lily demanded, grabbing her son's arm.
"I...Dad gave me his Invisibility Cloak for Christmas. I used it to sneak into Remus' room at school, and I saw a letter from Sirius. It said that Remus had...you know." Harry rubbed at his arm, and Lily, noticing, let go, looking pained. "I didn't know-"
"It's all right, Harry. I just was surprised; it's not a very kind word to use, and I would severely wish that you would not use it again."
"But what does it mean?" Harry demanded. "It sounds like it's something unpleasant-"
"It is an unpleasant name," Remus said, "for something that, in the right context, is quite pleasant. When two people love each other, they do things together that are very private...and personal. It's something to share with the person you love, and to do it with someone else-well, Sirius had the right idea."
Soon after, Remus left, leaving Lily and Harry in the house. He felt slightly guilty about leaving Lily to explain not only what men and women did when they loved each other, but also how it was feasible when it was two males. But as always, the pain he felt over the loss of his lover overwhelmed anything else he may have felt.
~*~
"Hello, Lupin." Severus slipped into Remus' office, smiling smugly. "I see you're here without your little mongrel in tow. What's the occasion?" Remus didn't spare Severus a glance; he continued to write in his book. "Come on, Lupin. I know there must be a reason you're out here all alone, for the entire year. Without support during the moon...tell me."
"I'm strong enough, Severus."
"Really. But what if I told you there was another way?" Severus stopped before Remus' desk, running a light hand along it. "That you could weather the transformation without...Sirius?"
Remus glanced up quickly. He was startled, unbelieving, and...hopeful. His eyes gleamed with desire, golden in the light.
Severus sighed at the sight, at the beauty. Such passion in the eyes, but not directed at him. But he had resigned himself long ago to the fact that he could not have the werewolf's heart. But he had finally found a way to possess his body.
"Yes, a potion I am developing, Lupin. Something I've been studying. I call it the Wolfsbane Potion, and with it, you can suppress the power of the wolf, live without fear of killing." Severus leaned close to Remus, his eyes glittering, his hair slipping into his eyes. "I can give you everything you desire, Lupin: peace, an end to your fear and self-loathing. Just trade me one...thing...in...return." Remus' eyes widened.
"Severus-"
"Just a few little sacrifices, Lupin, and it's yours."
"Damn it, no!" Severus backed away, hands out in a placating manner.
"Very well, Lupin. I have no problem if you won't take this opportunity. But it's always open to you, if you want it." He winked at Remus, and slipped from the room. Remus shuddered, and then returned to his work.
*
Remus stared at the letter, barely allowing himself to believe what it said. Sirius...and why was he so willing to believe Severus?
"He made the offer, Sirius, but I didn't take it!" Remus snapped to the inanimate paper, as if it could listen and carry his message to Sirius. "I love you too much to debase myself for this! For anything! Damn you, Sirius...why can't you...?" Remus fell to the bed, not sobbing, but wishing he could bite someone.
*
Remus moaned, feeling the aches in his bones, the slices in his skin, arms, legs, back, and the bites, the broken bones, the *pain* that filled his entire being. Madam Pomfrey had yet to arrive, and Remus was of mixed mind. When she came, she would heal his wounds. But he didn't want anyone to see him this way, and knew that no matter what Madam Pomfrey did, she couldn't make him feel better, not in the way he needed. He needed Sirius, and Sirius didn't want to see him.
"Hello, Remus." Severus' smooth voice filled the Shrieking Shack as he slid along the ground. He was carrying Madam Pomfrey's magic healing kit, and when he entered, he knelt down to tend to Remus' wounds.
"S'v'rus," Remus choked out. "What're you d'ng here?"
"Madam Pomfrey's busy," Severus said curtly. "I volunteered to help you. It's not as if I'm not already privy to your secrets..." He then continued to heal; Remus realized that he was naked. Severus' hands were, as Madam Pomfrey's were, soothing, but he worked against the skin a little too long, allowed touches to move too far, and often drifted to unharmed areas, ones only one other person should have had access to. Remus, however, didn't have the energy to complain, or reject the hands.
When Remus was healed, Severus picked him up and carried Remus to the castle; the werewolf was desperate for touch, and allowed it.
Severus took him to Severus' own room, and gave him clothes. And then he spoke. "Look, Remus, I told you I can help you, if you'll just give me what I want." He smiled like a predator, and then leaned close. "And this is a taste of what I want," he whispered, and hungrily pulled Remus to his lips. Remus gasped, struggled against the action, but after a moment, let out a long groan. And after another moment, he pushed away. His teeth, perhaps responding to his anger, were more pointed, longer, and he growled as he next spoke.
"Stop it. I'm not going to-"
"But you want to." Severus gave him a feral grin. "You want what I have to offer. I want what you have to offer. Let us trade." Remus fought back a growl, and stood up, turning away from Severus. He closed his eyes as he made a final plea.
"I've already given it-"
"To someone who doesn't want it," Severus announced. "He's turned you away, Lupin. What do you owe him?"
"Everything," Remus replied. "Everything!" Severus shook his head.
"You've given him everything, and he's given you nothing. You've lost everything, if you've lost him. So why not seek something else out? How about peace?"
~*~
Remus sat up in his bed, rubbing his head. His dreams had been haunted by the memories of Snape, of the slow descent of the last year. He shivered at the thought of what he'd done for-what? A few full moons where he was free to think about how he was betraying the man he loved? A few weeks where he downed a foul-tasting drink that couldn't be sweetened by any sugar?
"I've been a fool," he muttered. "A right idiot, worthy of anything Sirius has ever called me." He folded himself up in his bed, wishing he had his dog to hug for comfort.
It was as bad as any Dementor, the way he felt. He couldn't remember the fond memories of his and Sirius' life together, only the fights, and his memories of Snape. He growled, trying to clear his mind, and return to sleep. Chances were, sleep would be no better than waking, but he didn't care anymore. Not about sleep, the house, himself. He ate because it was habit, worked because he always had, slept because he was accustomed to it. And he dreamed of Snape because his memories of Sirius were now so laced with pain that it wasn't worth it. It was on this thought that he fell asleep once again.
~*~
"Come on, my little wolf; I've been taking kisses and gropes for too long. I think it's high time I got something more in return." Severus grinned as he slipped into Remus' bed, wearing nothing. Remus shook his head, huddled in the far corner, clutching a pillow to his chest.
"I can't-" He was cut off by lips on his, hands pushing his arms apart. Severus pulled his mouth away, and, smirking, nibbled on Remus' ear.
"You can and you will," Severus whispered fiercely. "This can be pleasant for you, Remus, and yet you try to make each time as unpleasant for yourself as possible. Why?"
"Because I don't enjoy this," Remus replied.
"Well I am," Snape replied, rolling off of Remus, and spreading his legs. "Come on, Lupin, I don't have all night."
Remus had spent over a week trying to clear the images from that night from his mind. Such efforts, however, were futile. He had nearly gotten sick a dozen times, and still felt queasy when he thought of it. He was left in his own room hours later, sobbing and so tired...what had he done?
~*~
Remus screamed, his own voice tearing him from the half-sleep he had fallen into. He remained perfectly still. He listened, and his ears strained to hear the sound of his own heart beating. He resisted the urge to claw at his head; he'd tried to forget the memories of those nights with Snape, but such efforts had been unsuccessful.
He let himself fall back onto his bed, wishing he could forget it all, that he had rejected Dumbledore's offer...never had to face Snape.
He fumbled at the bedside table, and his hand came to rest on a thin book. Startled, he pulled it toward him. He examined it closely; he gasped when he realized it was 'The Book of Ages'. He could actually remember that at one point, Harry had given it to him. 'You're so unhappy, Remus. Maybe if you have this, you can figure out what's wrong and fix it.'
"Yeah, right. Like a book's got all the answers," Remus muttered, ready to toss the book aside, let it rot under there with the filthy clothes, half-finished meals...
But something in Remus' heart made him open the book to the first page, and begin reading. What he saw there surprised him.
'Love breaks your heart. Love takes no less than everything. Love makes it hard...and it fades away so easily.
'Vanessa Williams is one of many Muggles who has explored the nature of love. Her statement is perhaps one of the most true I've ever heard. Love is not easy. Some call love a battlefield, a war, a struggle, or a work of art. All of these things hold one thing in common: they require an immense amount of work. In short, love will not simply remain for you. If you fall in love, and someone else falls in love with you, *that is not enough*. No one can live happily without any work, especially those who have experienced the ravenous, passionate love that binds two souls together. To ignore it, to let the bonds of it be stretched to its limits, is courting disaster. In such a manner, you can sever the bonds of love, but it will be painful process, and to do so, again, is to seek pain and destruction.
'But I will tell you this. Love...love can take the sick spirit and heal it, can bring happiness to a stained life. Whatever anyone tells you, to love and to be loved in return is...no one will tell you the same thing, because love cannot be described. If you are a fool, you will let love die. If you are a simple man, you will let your traitorous mind destroy love. But if you are a brave and wise man, you will grab onto love and fight for it. You must show the intentions of your heart, and not let the blindness of others hold you back. It is not too late, Remus, to seek your heart again.'
Remus dropped the book as if burned. Of *course* it would tell him what he needed to hear; it was part of the magic he had studied and placed in it. But it was terrifying to see the words written so plainly. 'Fight for it...' He sobbed, his clenched fists threatening to fold the binding of the book.
"How can I fight for it if Sirius won't even listen?" he asked of himself. "How the hell can I argue my case if he won't see me?" His mind then caught up with his heart-broken self. He remembered exactly who he'd been at Hogwarts. A Marauder was never daunted by any obstacle...even if that obstacle was Sirius Black himself.
*
"Oh, you can imagine my pride when I discovered that my son had renounced his traitorous ways and agreed to work for the honor of our family," Vega Black announced to her lunch guests. "I have found him a suitable pure-blood to marry, and I have agreed to have his name once again inscribed in our family tapestry-I felt you might want to hear that, Lucius." There was a loud crash upstairs, and Vega glanced at the ceiling, eyes narrow. "What-?"
"You know, Vega, I brought Severus here because I believe you might want to meet him," Lucius drawled, drawing Vega's attention from the upper floor.
"Why?" Vega demanded. "I know that any friend of yours is a friend of mine, but-"
"Severus here was, quite directly, one of the driving forces behind your son returning to your home." The group suddenly shot their gazes straight up when the sound of magic being discharged shot through the house. Vega slowly lowered her face, and shook her head.
"How, exactly?" Lucius' response was cut off by the sounds of a scuffle. Vega's face wrenched dangerously. Breathing hard, she turned to Lucius and Severus, her face tight in an attempt to keep from snarling. "Severus...would you mind going upstairs and...bringing my son...downstairs?" Severus nodded, rising smoothly from his seat.
*
"Now look," Remus growled, leaning in close to the man pinned under him, "I am here for a very short time, and before I go, I am going to say something, and you are going to listen." Sirius Black struggled for a moment under Remus, but the werewolf only smirked.
"There's a week to the full moon, Sirius. Do you really think you can out-wrestle me?"
"My mother hates Dark Creatures, Remus. What do you think she'll do if she catches you up here attacking me?"
"She won't. Nothing is wrong. You are having a chat with an old...*friend*." At the last word, Remus' hard mask failed for a moment. His strength slacked, and he pulled away for a moment. "Look, just let me talk, Sirius."
"Fine, talk." Sirius tried to look dignified, but it's hard to do from a dormant position. "But my mother could make Mad-Eye Moody look like a naive fool. She's not-"
"Sirius, I made a terrible mistake last year. No, don't say anything. I went out of my way to spend the entire year alone, because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need you, Sirius."
"Seems like you managed pretty well," Sirius spat out, face wrinkled in disgust.
"Shut up! Look, Sirius. I thought I needed to prove I could get along without you. You know what? I can, but it was the hardest fucking thing I've ever done in my life. After one month, I was so screwed up that I wished that I could just become the wolf, forget everything that was hurting, and run in the forest. But that was what made the full moon worse. I was supposedly the animal, without human emotion, and do you know what the wolf did? It spent every bloody night howling at the moon, wishing its mate was there." Remus broke off with a sob, rolling back from his crouch over Sirius, allowing the other man to move. Sirius pulled himself into a sitting position, but kept himself at a strict distance from Remus; Remus ached to see it, especially because he could scent the desire in Sirius' musk.
"And this drove you to-"
"Snape had a potion, Sirius. Something that was supposed to take away the pain of the full moon, to keep me from tearing my body apart to mimic the pain in my mind. It was supposed to fix everything...and Severus wanted only one thing in exchange for it." Remus folded his arms around himself, his breathing more ragged. "At the time, I was so desperate for relief, I would have given anything to get it. But there were two obstacles."
"Me, and who else?" Sirius snapped, suddenly on his feet. "Or did I never fit into the equation, Remus?"
"I couldn't give him everything he wanted, Sirius. I could barely give him anything he wanted. It made me feel like shit to touch him, kiss him..."
"Well, I'm glad it was bad for you," Sirius responded. Remus sobbed, lunging toward Sirius. The black-haired man jerked away, startled; Remus, however, only grabbed at Sirius' shirt, near tears.
"Damn it, I couldn't *fuck* him, as you so eloquently put it, because the thought of touching anyone but you makes me *sick*, Sirius!" Remus pulled himself to Sirius' chest, really crying by that point. "I can't believe I did that to you...I couldn't think, only wanted something to keep my mind off you-" Remus abruptly stopped talking, upon realizing that Sirius was literally radiating malice. Remus pulled away, his fear responses kicking in. It wasn't enough. Sirius was going to kill him, because Remus had betrayed him. Remus slid himself away from Sirius, trying to cram himself into a corner before Sirius struck.
The scent of anger abruptly dissipated when Remus pressed himself against the wall. Sirius walked uncertainly towards Remus. Both his face and his scent reflected confusion, warring emotions.
"Remus-Moony. I can't believe-I was so angry, I couldn't listen." Sirius stumbled, and fell next to Remus. He reached his hand out to grab Remus', even though it was shaking badly. "But now...he knew how much pain you felt. He knew what the lycanthropy did to your mind., and yet...that's what you wanted me to see. That it was rape." Both men glanced at the door, startled, when someone knocked at the door. Sirius placed a finger on Remus' lips, and then stood, crossing the room to open the door. He unlocked his bedroom door, and pulled it open. But at the sight facing him, Sirius snarled, a sound Remus had not heard, even in the wildest nights as a blood-lusting wolf, and threw himself through the doorway.
"You...BASTARD!"
*
"We do not use such language in my house!" Vega Black snapped, rising from her seat. "Come along, Lucius. I must speak to him." The two left the dining room, to arrive a few moments later in the hallways where they met a violent sight. Sirius, using swears and curses that required a genius innovation in lingual skills, was holding Severus by his collar against the wall. His wand was out and pressed against Snape's throat, and in the doorway of Sirius' room stood-
"Sirius Black! I demand an explanation!" Sirius turned his gaze on his mother, in a manner that could be easily described as condescension.
"Severus Snape is nothing more than a bloody-minded bastard without-"
"I am talking about the *werewolf*," Vega interrupted. She spat the word out, and turned her gaze to take in as much as the scene as possible without allowing her to see Remus. Sirius gave a sickly-sweet smile before he continued.
"He, mother, is, or was, my boyfriend, before Snivellus did something unforgivable. I am moving out-for good. My 'rehabilitation', Mother, is nothing more than a temporary insanity caused by the absence of the only person I've ever loved this way. I will not live under your influence, and if I am lucky, I will be able to share my life with him again. Now, if you will all excuse me, I must be going." He paused, gesturing to Remus to go before him, but paused for just a moment. He leaned close to Severus, grinning in a very dangerous way.
"If I were to kill you, Snivellus, I would go to Azkaban, which has a distinct lack of men named Remus Lupin. Were it possible to kill you and continue a life with Remus, I would do it in a heartbeat. Keep that in mind." He turned to Remus, smiling warmly. "Shall we go?"
*
The sun was up, and Remus awoke to several very familiar feelings. The first was of general exhaustion, the sort that always came after the moon. The second was of being in a bed warmed by another, hot, body. And the third was something he had not felt in a long time: contentment. Remus rolled around to face the man sharing his bed.
"Good morning, Paddy," he whispered, pressing a kiss against Sirius' forehead. Sirius drew himself close to Remus, sighing.
"'Ts too early, Moony. You may be chipper, but that is because you did not spend the entire night fending off the most insufferable werewolf I've ever met. I think I've *still* got slobber in my ear." Remus chuckled and ran his hand down Sirius' side.
"Sirius...I love you, you know?" Sirius grinned.
"I love me, too." At that response, Remus stroked Sirius' stomach, letting his hand drift dangerously low.
"Then I guess you don't need...*that*," Remus growled, causing Sirius to jump as he pressed himself against his lover.
"No, I need you, Moony. Packmates...mates. You know, Remus, when I dragged you out of my Mum's house, I grabbed a couple of things out of the house." He reached to the side of the bed, rummaging through a drawer in the bedside table. Then Sirius pulled out the small circle of gold, and Remus almost shouted in shock.
"Sirius-is that-?"
"She hasn't worn it since 1983. I snagged the bands, too." Remus' breath stopped for an interminable moment. Then, he finally voiced the question.
"Are you...is this-?"
"Remus Lupin, would you do me the great honor of marrying me?"
"..."
"Moony?"
"..."
"Remie?"
"...Only if we don't invite your mother to the wedding." And for the first time in nearly a year, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin laughed together. And after a minute or so, Remus pushed Sirius out of the bed so he could take a shower.
*
'Dear Hermione,
'It's been an odd summer. Sirius and Remus were really upset at the beginning of the summer, because...well, it's complicated.
'I decided to help them out. I gave Remus my book, to let him know that he didn't have to figure it out all on his own. And I found out how people-'
The next few spaces were taken up by a lot of words crossed out.
'-make love, and how some people are so bloody-minded to insist that only a man and a woman can do it together. My mum told me that people like that ought to be turned into newts.
'In any case, I tried to help Remus, because he looked so sad. Sirius went to live with his mother, and that made me upset. He's always been around for me, and I've always gotten the feeling he didn't like his mother. But it must have all worked out in the end, because last week, after the full moon (did I ever tell you that Remus is a werewolf? Professor Dumbledore told me, so it has to be true), they came over together, and Remus told us that he and Sirius are getting married. They say the wedding's going to be after school ends next year, and that I can invite you and Ron and Neville (but I suspect they'll be inviting the Weasleys and Longbottoms anyway). I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express!
'Harry Potter'
A Side-Story of 'The Road Not Taken'
*
Sirius opened his eyes, wondering briefly how he had ended up in the infirmary at Hogwarts. The last thing he remembered had been the nightmares-
Suddenly, someone put a hand on his shoulder; Sirius started. He glanced at his side, where a familiar face hovered above him, golden eyes slanted to reflect the worry written in the entire expression. It was Remus. Sirius growled, turning his head away from the werewolf.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have something better to do? Or, rather, someone?"
At the angry tone in Sirius' voice, Remus' skin paled, and for a moment, he looked lost...and hurt. "Padfoot? What do you-"
"I don't want to see you, Moony. I've had enough pain this last year *without* having to deal with you right now. Okay? If we're both at James' sometime, maybe we'll find a chance to *discuss*." He closed his eyes, mostly as an effort to not have to look at Remu's face, the pain sketched in his eyes. But when Remus spoke again, it was the tone that almost got to Sirius.
"And that's another thing. You aren't serious, are you?" Sirius gave a snort, as if wholly dismissing Remus.
"Of course I am. Who else would I be?"
'Yes, go on, Remus. Get mad.' Sirius risked peeking at Remus, whose hurt face had dissolved into an expressionless mask. 'Great. Just get angry.'
"That's a petty response and you know it. I've lived there for twelve years-"
"It might have been prudent to think about that *before* you shacked up with *Snivellus*." Remus' mask fell apart at Sirius' statement. It looked quite like he'd lost all support as he slumped against the wall, face bent to the ground.
"Padfoot, you don't understand-"
"Yeah, I don't understand why *anyone* would find *Snape* attractive! Look, just leave, and I won't call Poppy." Sirius tried to show weariness, annoyance, instead of the hurt and anger he felt, in his voice. He didn't really know if he succeeded.
"Paddy-"
"It's Sirius. You can't call me *that* anymore."
*
On the train home (Poppy had told Sirius he couldn't Apparate for at least another week, and he did *not* want to stay in the castle that long), Sirius rested his forehead on the window, letting his eyes remain unfocused. His mind, treacherous thing that it was, wouldn't let him ignore his memories of Remus.
Moony...
He had never been comfortable with Remus leaving for so long, but Remus had insisted. 'I have to see...if I can handle the moon by myself anymore. I think...I've grown too reliant on James, Peter...you.' Sirius hadn't responded, trying to let Remus believe it hadn't hurt Sirius to hear, that Remus believed his love was crippling him. So he'd let Remus go, wishing him luck, and resigning himself to a year of cold beds, little sleep, and getting nothing done at work.
Moody had confined Sirius to desk work after three weeks, saying that he could handle mistakes in paperwork, but not on the field. And that had only made things worse.
He hadn't heard anything from Remus, not even a short note. Not until November, when he'd gotten an owl from Severus Snape.
He still had it; he carried it in his robes. Sirius could almost recite it by heart, now. There had been some formalities, small talk, and then...Sirius beat his head against the window, cursing.
'I know that you don't approve of me, Sirius, but I felt it would be important to tell you Remus had a very good reason to not want you around this year-me. He and I have been...well, a great deal more intimate than you would have wanted. I won't pretend that I'm sorry to have to tell you this. You know my feelings. However...well, I suppose I would have been happier if I'd had him from the start. Look, why don't you take this-' There had been fifteen Galleons in the letter, 'and find yourself someone to help you forget this, 'kay?'
"Damn it," Sirius muttered, feeling the tears starting. He'd written a hurried response to that letter, one to Severus, and one to Remus. He regretted neither. After all, Severus was a bastard who'd done nothing but moon after *Sirius'* boyfriend during seventh year, and Remus-well, Remus had betrayed him.
He just wished it hadn't hurt so much.
*
"Sirius?" The small London house echoed Remus' timid question, and with that, he realized that the walls were empty. A scant year ago, they had been covered with photos of the Marauders, with the majority featuring a *very* happy couple. Sirius and Remus posing in Rome, Venice, Paris, New York, Tokyo, and around town. And of course, there were the bookcases. All of the items, in their own way, were testaments of the bond between the two men living in the house.
Not any more.
Remus stared at the blank walls, feeling empty at the sudden loss of memories. How could Sirius so methodically destroy what the two of them had collected over twelve years? What had prompted such-well, he knew. But Remus couldn't see why Sirius wouldn't even *listen* to him.
A person appeared at the top of the stairs, a black-haired man whose face *should* have been lit with joy; however, Sirius looked wary, his brown eyes guarded. And he held his wand at his side.
"Sirius, why are you acting like this? Why won't you even listen to me?" Sirius came down the stairs, his expression hardening.
"Because not only did you cheat on me-"
"Sirius, just let me-"
"Not only did you *cheat on me*, but it was with one of the people that you *know* I truly hate. I don't want to hear explanations, because whatever it is, you found something in Snape that I couldn't give you, and I'm not going to be involved with someone who would ever see me as lacking in relation to Severus Snape."
Remus let the growing growl escape his throat; Sirius was being utterly infuriating, worse than he had ever been in school, and he was going to let the man know it-no matter how much he loved him. "Sirius, you are an utter bastard. But let me tell you something: ever since I met you, you've been an insufferable rogue, never willing to give your enemies peace, and always out to cause chaos. I might have hated you for that, except for the fact that you showed an unbreakable loyalty for the people you chose as friends. You stood by them in everything. Tell me, Sirius. Was this just until hard times came along, or are you making a special exception for me? Because if you tell me that you're really giving up on me, I *will* leave. I won't bother you anymore. It's what you want, right?"
Sirius closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and Remus almost let himself hope that Sirius would give him a chance. But when the face snapped back into a mask, that hope died. "I've stood by my friends, Remus, because they've always stood by me. But you've *betrayed* me. I can't forgive that, no matter what the circumstances. Yes, I want you to go."
Remus turned to go, but then paused. He couldn't leave without asking. If he was going to lose his partner, he might as well hold on to the only other love of his life. "Sirius...what did you do with my books?"
"Sold 'em. I can't live in this house being reminded of you every day, Remus. And I figured it'd be worth it to hurt you as much as you hurt me. Now go before I hex you."
Remus paused in the doorway, looking back, hoping to find some trace of the insufferable charmer he'd come to know at Hogwarts, but the cold mask that faced him held none of the warmth he'd known. Remus closed the door, feeling a sharp jolt in his heart as he did so. He'd gotten through the year on the assurance that he would go back to Sirius at the end; now that this hope had been crushed, he was sure that following months would be torture.
*
"Sirius?" Sirius Black glared at the wall of his house, wondering why Peter was here. None of the other Marauders had communicated with him since...the incident. And he had to admit that it was more than a little distracting. He glanced from the wall to the doorway to the living room as Peter, a chubby, nervous man, stepped into it.
"Wha'dyou want?" Sirius demanded, trying to fight off the lethargy Remus' absence forced upon him.
"Oh, I just wanted to stop by and chat," Peter murmured, taking a seat on the stool next to Sirius' chair. "Even though you are being a real bastard, we *are* worried about you." He gave Sirius a faint smile. "Moody says he's about two feet away from just giving you a few months of paid forced leave. Now, Sirius, we've got only one side of this story, because what you went on about before you...left, didn't make much sense. Can you tell me what happened?"
"It's simple. Moo-Remus lied to me. He went to Hogwarts by himself so that he and Snape could fuck in peace without worrying about me finding out. You know what that did to me? It did this. Are you happy?"
Peter's face paled a little. He shifted nervously, and then placed a hand on the arm of the armchair.
"Look, Sirius. I know you're really upset about this, but...well, you can't kill yourself over this. I know you're not thinking about suicide," he said preemptively, "but you might as well be; you're not eating, you've locked yourself up in here. It's worse than a prison, Sirius. Look, you have to admit to yourself that Sirius...found someone else. I know you had some great times together, but it's over. You weren't 'the one', and for that fact, neither was he."
"Really? Then why the hell does it hurt so much? I've gotten rid of everything in this house that reminds me of him! None of you have even spoken to me-"
Peter shook his head, a sad smile on his face. "Yeah, I know that, Sirius. It's just that...he sort of got to us first. But if you can't forget about him, then maybe...maybe it's time for a change."
"What sort of change, Peter?"
*
"By Merlin, I never thought I'd see the day!" Vega Black embraced her son, clutching hard onto him. "Sirius, I...I can't believe this. To think that you have finally seen what I've been telling you for years-I've never been more proud of you." Sirius gave his mother a half-hearted hug, not wanting to tell her the real reason he'd come back to 12 Grimmauld Place.
'Hi mum, I'm coming back here because I'm trying to forget my lover-yes, the werewolf. Peter Pettigrew told me it was time for a change, and this was about the biggest change I could think of.' He doubted it would go over well. So he gritted his teeth and let her hug him. There would be time enough for explanations later.
"Thank you, mother, for finding it within your heart to forgive me. After all, what I did was...unforgivable."
"No, no, not unforgivable. However, it was something..." She shook her head, trying to clear away the memories. "I am glad that you finally came to understand your duties. I had almost given up hope-perhaps I can yet find a *suitable* woman to help you fulfill your duties to our name." She gave Sirius a blinding smile. "Oh, Sirius. You are the last of our family name...What you have done makes me truly happy. Grandchildren!"
*
Remus took deep breaths, trying to ignore the pain. He hadn't realized how much Severus had helped...he'd been living six months without the pain, the rage, the pure animal *lust* that drove him to kill, hurt, maim. He tried to forget that he was bleeding in dozens of places, his own claws the weapons. He tried to ignore how much it hurt to be laying in a cold bed, without warm arms wrapped around him, a soft voice soothing him as he awoke to the aches that always came, even with Severus' help, even without the anger.
"Damn it," he whispered. Every morning he woke up, hoping it would all be a dream. But every morning, he woke up in James and Lily's house, in a cold bed, and often to the sounds of an eleven-year-old boy running around like an idiot. An eleven-year-old boy who was also missing one of his loved ones.
Remus fought to keep from screaming; he did not want to be reminded of Sirius with every thought. So that meant no showering, no sleeping in a bed, no cooking...
He rolled out of bed, massaging sore muscles and growling quietly. He got dressed, missing the, well, not witty, but at least amusing, banter from his favorite dog, and the stolen kisses-
"Well, fuck." He stormed downstairs in a terrible mood, feeling the need to snap at someone. It was only bad luck that Peter was the first person to see him that morning. "Get out of my way, Pettigrew! I am *not* in a good mood." The short, pudgy man blanched.
"Oh dear...I think this is a bad time," he said. "I just...I saw Sirius yesterday, and-"
"Where?" Remus demanded, grabbing Peter's collar. "How is he? Did he say anything?"
"Ah...well, there is that. You see, Remus, Sirius wasn't really that upset. He's moving on, getting on with his life, seeing other people." At Remus' warning growl, Peter shook his head. "Well, that was implied. But I'd assume he's moving onto greener pastures, given the fact that he...he's moved back in with his mother."
Remus froze. Back-Sirius had vowed never to return to that accursed place. His mother had cut him off for...well, everything, and in return (well, not in return for her actions, but for the life she had given him), he left the house she lived in, never to have anything to do with her, or the family she still held in her good graces, again. That he had returned to her, it showed a change in his mind, his heart, his life. It was, in fact, the furthest he could get away from Remus; no Black would associate with a Dark creature, especially not a werewolf...
"Damn him!" Remus snapped, punching the wall. "Why is he doing this to me, Peter? What would possibly posses him-"
"Did you see him while you were gone, Remus? He wasn't the same; he was distracted, tired, depressed. You broke him, Remus. He loved you, and spending so much time away from you, he couldn't take the strain. Do you understand how easily torture like that can break you?" Peter grinned sardonically. "Mere weeks, if you're lucky. I don't blame him for leaving you, seeing how you did it first."
"I didn't leave him!" Remus protested. "Peter, I only needed-"
"I know what you were doing," Peter said, nodding. "But to a man who's lost his partner, things aren't as clear." He shook his head, sadly. "I think you need to find him, try to apologize. After all, the longer he's away from you, the more irrational he'll get." Peter sighed. "Remus, I hate seeing the Marauders broken up like this. Please...do something about it."
"Remus? Peter? What're you doing? Mum wanted to know who was at the door-hey, Remus, is Sirius with you?" Remus turned to face Harry, his almost-nephew/godchild who, despite being brilliant at Quidditch, quite a talented wizard, and a wonderful boy, was a tad dense when it came to more worldly matters.
He tugged at Remus' shirt, looking a little worried. "I haven't seen Sirius for almost a year, and he doesn't answer letters and...Remus, does Sirius still love me?"
No one, it seemed, had ever thought to talk to Harry about this; he was young, Remus guessed, and couldn't deal with the emotional aspects of the situation. Remus doubted that, and besides, he didn't feel it was fair to let Harry be dealt the brunt of what was between him and Sirius. "No, Harry. It's...complicated. I think we need to go into the other room." Peter shrugged as Remus glanced at him.
"I'm sorry-got so much work to do. I hope this all works out..."
Remus led Harry into the living room at the back of the house, giving Lily a significant glance. She followed the two of them and sat down next to Harry. 'What is it?' she mouthed at Remus.
'Sirius,' he mouthed back. She paled, and tightened her grip on Harry's hand.
"Now, Harry...you know that your mother and father love each other very much, right?" Remus asked. Harry nodded, looking worried.
"Are they mad at each other?" Lily shot Remus a sharp look, and then jumped in.
"No, Harry. What Remus is trying to say is that...well, your father and I love each other very much. And, well...Remus, help me out here."
"Harry, Sirius and I also love each other very much," Remus said, his voice shaking. "We lived in the same house because we wanted to be with each other all the time. Do you understand?" Harry nodded. "He and I, well, we considered getting married, once."
"Don't you have to be...aren't married people supposed to be a man and a woman?" Harry asked; he was shifting nervously in his seat, and looked upset. "I...Mum?"
Lily moved her arm to wrap it around her son. "The point is that Sirius and Remus are in love with each other, Harry. Can you understand that?" Harry glanced at Remus, who gave a shaky nod, and then he nodded, too.
"But then why is Remus so unhappy? Aren't people in love supposed to be happy? You and Dad don't go around moping like that...oh."
Remus nodded, bowing his head.
"Harry, Sirius and Remus got very upset with one another and Sirius...decided that he didn't really love Remus." Harry gave his mother another confused look.
"But you're not supposed to stop loving someone..."
"No, you're not, Harry. But sometimes, when people in love do foolish things, their emotions get very confused." Lily glanced at Remus, sympathetic. "And something happened that made Sirius think Remus didn't love *him* any more."
"Because he...'fucked' Snape?" Harry asked. Lily gasped, and Remus snapped his head up, startled.
"Harry, where did you hear that word?" Lily demanded, grabbing her son's arm.
"I...Dad gave me his Invisibility Cloak for Christmas. I used it to sneak into Remus' room at school, and I saw a letter from Sirius. It said that Remus had...you know." Harry rubbed at his arm, and Lily, noticing, let go, looking pained. "I didn't know-"
"It's all right, Harry. I just was surprised; it's not a very kind word to use, and I would severely wish that you would not use it again."
"But what does it mean?" Harry demanded. "It sounds like it's something unpleasant-"
"It is an unpleasant name," Remus said, "for something that, in the right context, is quite pleasant. When two people love each other, they do things together that are very private...and personal. It's something to share with the person you love, and to do it with someone else-well, Sirius had the right idea."
Soon after, Remus left, leaving Lily and Harry in the house. He felt slightly guilty about leaving Lily to explain not only what men and women did when they loved each other, but also how it was feasible when it was two males. But as always, the pain he felt over the loss of his lover overwhelmed anything else he may have felt.
~*~
"Hello, Lupin." Severus slipped into Remus' office, smiling smugly. "I see you're here without your little mongrel in tow. What's the occasion?" Remus didn't spare Severus a glance; he continued to write in his book. "Come on, Lupin. I know there must be a reason you're out here all alone, for the entire year. Without support during the moon...tell me."
"I'm strong enough, Severus."
"Really. But what if I told you there was another way?" Severus stopped before Remus' desk, running a light hand along it. "That you could weather the transformation without...Sirius?"
Remus glanced up quickly. He was startled, unbelieving, and...hopeful. His eyes gleamed with desire, golden in the light.
Severus sighed at the sight, at the beauty. Such passion in the eyes, but not directed at him. But he had resigned himself long ago to the fact that he could not have the werewolf's heart. But he had finally found a way to possess his body.
"Yes, a potion I am developing, Lupin. Something I've been studying. I call it the Wolfsbane Potion, and with it, you can suppress the power of the wolf, live without fear of killing." Severus leaned close to Remus, his eyes glittering, his hair slipping into his eyes. "I can give you everything you desire, Lupin: peace, an end to your fear and self-loathing. Just trade me one...thing...in...return." Remus' eyes widened.
"Severus-"
"Just a few little sacrifices, Lupin, and it's yours."
"Damn it, no!" Severus backed away, hands out in a placating manner.
"Very well, Lupin. I have no problem if you won't take this opportunity. But it's always open to you, if you want it." He winked at Remus, and slipped from the room. Remus shuddered, and then returned to his work.
*
Remus stared at the letter, barely allowing himself to believe what it said. Sirius...and why was he so willing to believe Severus?
"He made the offer, Sirius, but I didn't take it!" Remus snapped to the inanimate paper, as if it could listen and carry his message to Sirius. "I love you too much to debase myself for this! For anything! Damn you, Sirius...why can't you...?" Remus fell to the bed, not sobbing, but wishing he could bite someone.
*
Remus moaned, feeling the aches in his bones, the slices in his skin, arms, legs, back, and the bites, the broken bones, the *pain* that filled his entire being. Madam Pomfrey had yet to arrive, and Remus was of mixed mind. When she came, she would heal his wounds. But he didn't want anyone to see him this way, and knew that no matter what Madam Pomfrey did, she couldn't make him feel better, not in the way he needed. He needed Sirius, and Sirius didn't want to see him.
"Hello, Remus." Severus' smooth voice filled the Shrieking Shack as he slid along the ground. He was carrying Madam Pomfrey's magic healing kit, and when he entered, he knelt down to tend to Remus' wounds.
"S'v'rus," Remus choked out. "What're you d'ng here?"
"Madam Pomfrey's busy," Severus said curtly. "I volunteered to help you. It's not as if I'm not already privy to your secrets..." He then continued to heal; Remus realized that he was naked. Severus' hands were, as Madam Pomfrey's were, soothing, but he worked against the skin a little too long, allowed touches to move too far, and often drifted to unharmed areas, ones only one other person should have had access to. Remus, however, didn't have the energy to complain, or reject the hands.
When Remus was healed, Severus picked him up and carried Remus to the castle; the werewolf was desperate for touch, and allowed it.
Severus took him to Severus' own room, and gave him clothes. And then he spoke. "Look, Remus, I told you I can help you, if you'll just give me what I want." He smiled like a predator, and then leaned close. "And this is a taste of what I want," he whispered, and hungrily pulled Remus to his lips. Remus gasped, struggled against the action, but after a moment, let out a long groan. And after another moment, he pushed away. His teeth, perhaps responding to his anger, were more pointed, longer, and he growled as he next spoke.
"Stop it. I'm not going to-"
"But you want to." Severus gave him a feral grin. "You want what I have to offer. I want what you have to offer. Let us trade." Remus fought back a growl, and stood up, turning away from Severus. He closed his eyes as he made a final plea.
"I've already given it-"
"To someone who doesn't want it," Severus announced. "He's turned you away, Lupin. What do you owe him?"
"Everything," Remus replied. "Everything!" Severus shook his head.
"You've given him everything, and he's given you nothing. You've lost everything, if you've lost him. So why not seek something else out? How about peace?"
~*~
Remus sat up in his bed, rubbing his head. His dreams had been haunted by the memories of Snape, of the slow descent of the last year. He shivered at the thought of what he'd done for-what? A few full moons where he was free to think about how he was betraying the man he loved? A few weeks where he downed a foul-tasting drink that couldn't be sweetened by any sugar?
"I've been a fool," he muttered. "A right idiot, worthy of anything Sirius has ever called me." He folded himself up in his bed, wishing he had his dog to hug for comfort.
It was as bad as any Dementor, the way he felt. He couldn't remember the fond memories of his and Sirius' life together, only the fights, and his memories of Snape. He growled, trying to clear his mind, and return to sleep. Chances were, sleep would be no better than waking, but he didn't care anymore. Not about sleep, the house, himself. He ate because it was habit, worked because he always had, slept because he was accustomed to it. And he dreamed of Snape because his memories of Sirius were now so laced with pain that it wasn't worth it. It was on this thought that he fell asleep once again.
~*~
"Come on, my little wolf; I've been taking kisses and gropes for too long. I think it's high time I got something more in return." Severus grinned as he slipped into Remus' bed, wearing nothing. Remus shook his head, huddled in the far corner, clutching a pillow to his chest.
"I can't-" He was cut off by lips on his, hands pushing his arms apart. Severus pulled his mouth away, and, smirking, nibbled on Remus' ear.
"You can and you will," Severus whispered fiercely. "This can be pleasant for you, Remus, and yet you try to make each time as unpleasant for yourself as possible. Why?"
"Because I don't enjoy this," Remus replied.
"Well I am," Snape replied, rolling off of Remus, and spreading his legs. "Come on, Lupin, I don't have all night."
Remus had spent over a week trying to clear the images from that night from his mind. Such efforts, however, were futile. He had nearly gotten sick a dozen times, and still felt queasy when he thought of it. He was left in his own room hours later, sobbing and so tired...what had he done?
~*~
Remus screamed, his own voice tearing him from the half-sleep he had fallen into. He remained perfectly still. He listened, and his ears strained to hear the sound of his own heart beating. He resisted the urge to claw at his head; he'd tried to forget the memories of those nights with Snape, but such efforts had been unsuccessful.
He let himself fall back onto his bed, wishing he could forget it all, that he had rejected Dumbledore's offer...never had to face Snape.
He fumbled at the bedside table, and his hand came to rest on a thin book. Startled, he pulled it toward him. He examined it closely; he gasped when he realized it was 'The Book of Ages'. He could actually remember that at one point, Harry had given it to him. 'You're so unhappy, Remus. Maybe if you have this, you can figure out what's wrong and fix it.'
"Yeah, right. Like a book's got all the answers," Remus muttered, ready to toss the book aside, let it rot under there with the filthy clothes, half-finished meals...
But something in Remus' heart made him open the book to the first page, and begin reading. What he saw there surprised him.
'Love breaks your heart. Love takes no less than everything. Love makes it hard...and it fades away so easily.
'Vanessa Williams is one of many Muggles who has explored the nature of love. Her statement is perhaps one of the most true I've ever heard. Love is not easy. Some call love a battlefield, a war, a struggle, or a work of art. All of these things hold one thing in common: they require an immense amount of work. In short, love will not simply remain for you. If you fall in love, and someone else falls in love with you, *that is not enough*. No one can live happily without any work, especially those who have experienced the ravenous, passionate love that binds two souls together. To ignore it, to let the bonds of it be stretched to its limits, is courting disaster. In such a manner, you can sever the bonds of love, but it will be painful process, and to do so, again, is to seek pain and destruction.
'But I will tell you this. Love...love can take the sick spirit and heal it, can bring happiness to a stained life. Whatever anyone tells you, to love and to be loved in return is...no one will tell you the same thing, because love cannot be described. If you are a fool, you will let love die. If you are a simple man, you will let your traitorous mind destroy love. But if you are a brave and wise man, you will grab onto love and fight for it. You must show the intentions of your heart, and not let the blindness of others hold you back. It is not too late, Remus, to seek your heart again.'
Remus dropped the book as if burned. Of *course* it would tell him what he needed to hear; it was part of the magic he had studied and placed in it. But it was terrifying to see the words written so plainly. 'Fight for it...' He sobbed, his clenched fists threatening to fold the binding of the book.
"How can I fight for it if Sirius won't even listen?" he asked of himself. "How the hell can I argue my case if he won't see me?" His mind then caught up with his heart-broken self. He remembered exactly who he'd been at Hogwarts. A Marauder was never daunted by any obstacle...even if that obstacle was Sirius Black himself.
*
"Oh, you can imagine my pride when I discovered that my son had renounced his traitorous ways and agreed to work for the honor of our family," Vega Black announced to her lunch guests. "I have found him a suitable pure-blood to marry, and I have agreed to have his name once again inscribed in our family tapestry-I felt you might want to hear that, Lucius." There was a loud crash upstairs, and Vega glanced at the ceiling, eyes narrow. "What-?"
"You know, Vega, I brought Severus here because I believe you might want to meet him," Lucius drawled, drawing Vega's attention from the upper floor.
"Why?" Vega demanded. "I know that any friend of yours is a friend of mine, but-"
"Severus here was, quite directly, one of the driving forces behind your son returning to your home." The group suddenly shot their gazes straight up when the sound of magic being discharged shot through the house. Vega slowly lowered her face, and shook her head.
"How, exactly?" Lucius' response was cut off by the sounds of a scuffle. Vega's face wrenched dangerously. Breathing hard, she turned to Lucius and Severus, her face tight in an attempt to keep from snarling. "Severus...would you mind going upstairs and...bringing my son...downstairs?" Severus nodded, rising smoothly from his seat.
*
"Now look," Remus growled, leaning in close to the man pinned under him, "I am here for a very short time, and before I go, I am going to say something, and you are going to listen." Sirius Black struggled for a moment under Remus, but the werewolf only smirked.
"There's a week to the full moon, Sirius. Do you really think you can out-wrestle me?"
"My mother hates Dark Creatures, Remus. What do you think she'll do if she catches you up here attacking me?"
"She won't. Nothing is wrong. You are having a chat with an old...*friend*." At the last word, Remus' hard mask failed for a moment. His strength slacked, and he pulled away for a moment. "Look, just let me talk, Sirius."
"Fine, talk." Sirius tried to look dignified, but it's hard to do from a dormant position. "But my mother could make Mad-Eye Moody look like a naive fool. She's not-"
"Sirius, I made a terrible mistake last year. No, don't say anything. I went out of my way to spend the entire year alone, because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need you, Sirius."
"Seems like you managed pretty well," Sirius spat out, face wrinkled in disgust.
"Shut up! Look, Sirius. I thought I needed to prove I could get along without you. You know what? I can, but it was the hardest fucking thing I've ever done in my life. After one month, I was so screwed up that I wished that I could just become the wolf, forget everything that was hurting, and run in the forest. But that was what made the full moon worse. I was supposedly the animal, without human emotion, and do you know what the wolf did? It spent every bloody night howling at the moon, wishing its mate was there." Remus broke off with a sob, rolling back from his crouch over Sirius, allowing the other man to move. Sirius pulled himself into a sitting position, but kept himself at a strict distance from Remus; Remus ached to see it, especially because he could scent the desire in Sirius' musk.
"And this drove you to-"
"Snape had a potion, Sirius. Something that was supposed to take away the pain of the full moon, to keep me from tearing my body apart to mimic the pain in my mind. It was supposed to fix everything...and Severus wanted only one thing in exchange for it." Remus folded his arms around himself, his breathing more ragged. "At the time, I was so desperate for relief, I would have given anything to get it. But there were two obstacles."
"Me, and who else?" Sirius snapped, suddenly on his feet. "Or did I never fit into the equation, Remus?"
"I couldn't give him everything he wanted, Sirius. I could barely give him anything he wanted. It made me feel like shit to touch him, kiss him..."
"Well, I'm glad it was bad for you," Sirius responded. Remus sobbed, lunging toward Sirius. The black-haired man jerked away, startled; Remus, however, only grabbed at Sirius' shirt, near tears.
"Damn it, I couldn't *fuck* him, as you so eloquently put it, because the thought of touching anyone but you makes me *sick*, Sirius!" Remus pulled himself to Sirius' chest, really crying by that point. "I can't believe I did that to you...I couldn't think, only wanted something to keep my mind off you-" Remus abruptly stopped talking, upon realizing that Sirius was literally radiating malice. Remus pulled away, his fear responses kicking in. It wasn't enough. Sirius was going to kill him, because Remus had betrayed him. Remus slid himself away from Sirius, trying to cram himself into a corner before Sirius struck.
The scent of anger abruptly dissipated when Remus pressed himself against the wall. Sirius walked uncertainly towards Remus. Both his face and his scent reflected confusion, warring emotions.
"Remus-Moony. I can't believe-I was so angry, I couldn't listen." Sirius stumbled, and fell next to Remus. He reached his hand out to grab Remus', even though it was shaking badly. "But now...he knew how much pain you felt. He knew what the lycanthropy did to your mind., and yet...that's what you wanted me to see. That it was rape." Both men glanced at the door, startled, when someone knocked at the door. Sirius placed a finger on Remus' lips, and then stood, crossing the room to open the door. He unlocked his bedroom door, and pulled it open. But at the sight facing him, Sirius snarled, a sound Remus had not heard, even in the wildest nights as a blood-lusting wolf, and threw himself through the doorway.
"You...BASTARD!"
*
"We do not use such language in my house!" Vega Black snapped, rising from her seat. "Come along, Lucius. I must speak to him." The two left the dining room, to arrive a few moments later in the hallways where they met a violent sight. Sirius, using swears and curses that required a genius innovation in lingual skills, was holding Severus by his collar against the wall. His wand was out and pressed against Snape's throat, and in the doorway of Sirius' room stood-
"Sirius Black! I demand an explanation!" Sirius turned his gaze on his mother, in a manner that could be easily described as condescension.
"Severus Snape is nothing more than a bloody-minded bastard without-"
"I am talking about the *werewolf*," Vega interrupted. She spat the word out, and turned her gaze to take in as much as the scene as possible without allowing her to see Remus. Sirius gave a sickly-sweet smile before he continued.
"He, mother, is, or was, my boyfriend, before Snivellus did something unforgivable. I am moving out-for good. My 'rehabilitation', Mother, is nothing more than a temporary insanity caused by the absence of the only person I've ever loved this way. I will not live under your influence, and if I am lucky, I will be able to share my life with him again. Now, if you will all excuse me, I must be going." He paused, gesturing to Remus to go before him, but paused for just a moment. He leaned close to Severus, grinning in a very dangerous way.
"If I were to kill you, Snivellus, I would go to Azkaban, which has a distinct lack of men named Remus Lupin. Were it possible to kill you and continue a life with Remus, I would do it in a heartbeat. Keep that in mind." He turned to Remus, smiling warmly. "Shall we go?"
*
The sun was up, and Remus awoke to several very familiar feelings. The first was of general exhaustion, the sort that always came after the moon. The second was of being in a bed warmed by another, hot, body. And the third was something he had not felt in a long time: contentment. Remus rolled around to face the man sharing his bed.
"Good morning, Paddy," he whispered, pressing a kiss against Sirius' forehead. Sirius drew himself close to Remus, sighing.
"'Ts too early, Moony. You may be chipper, but that is because you did not spend the entire night fending off the most insufferable werewolf I've ever met. I think I've *still* got slobber in my ear." Remus chuckled and ran his hand down Sirius' side.
"Sirius...I love you, you know?" Sirius grinned.
"I love me, too." At that response, Remus stroked Sirius' stomach, letting his hand drift dangerously low.
"Then I guess you don't need...*that*," Remus growled, causing Sirius to jump as he pressed himself against his lover.
"No, I need you, Moony. Packmates...mates. You know, Remus, when I dragged you out of my Mum's house, I grabbed a couple of things out of the house." He reached to the side of the bed, rummaging through a drawer in the bedside table. Then Sirius pulled out the small circle of gold, and Remus almost shouted in shock.
"Sirius-is that-?"
"She hasn't worn it since 1983. I snagged the bands, too." Remus' breath stopped for an interminable moment. Then, he finally voiced the question.
"Are you...is this-?"
"Remus Lupin, would you do me the great honor of marrying me?"
"..."
"Moony?"
"..."
"Remie?"
"...Only if we don't invite your mother to the wedding." And for the first time in nearly a year, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin laughed together. And after a minute or so, Remus pushed Sirius out of the bed so he could take a shower.
*
'Dear Hermione,
'It's been an odd summer. Sirius and Remus were really upset at the beginning of the summer, because...well, it's complicated.
'I decided to help them out. I gave Remus my book, to let him know that he didn't have to figure it out all on his own. And I found out how people-'
The next few spaces were taken up by a lot of words crossed out.
'-make love, and how some people are so bloody-minded to insist that only a man and a woman can do it together. My mum told me that people like that ought to be turned into newts.
'In any case, I tried to help Remus, because he looked so sad. Sirius went to live with his mother, and that made me upset. He's always been around for me, and I've always gotten the feeling he didn't like his mother. But it must have all worked out in the end, because last week, after the full moon (did I ever tell you that Remus is a werewolf? Professor Dumbledore told me, so it has to be true), they came over together, and Remus told us that he and Sirius are getting married. They say the wedding's going to be after school ends next year, and that I can invite you and Ron and Neville (but I suspect they'll be inviting the Weasleys and Longbottoms anyway). I'll see you on the Hogwarts Express!
'Harry Potter'