Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hetalia or the characters within, just the story and idea for the story.

Authors Note: I know I haven't been doing much with my other stories, it's just that I've no muse for them at the moment and I apologise for that. All I feel I've had muse for it just oneshots and what have you.. well, anyway... this is a oneshot. It's nothing really special. It is basically Matthew's writings in an internet blog (the blog site I made up...). He usually does commentaries on hockey and other things that interest time.. so ya. Idk. I hope you enjoy it! Don't forget to review and comment! thankies!

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MAPLE IS MY MEANING

Latest update: 19/02/2011

Entry Title: Something a little off track

A head of time, I'm sorry everyone. To all of my followers. This entry is a little on the darker side, but things have been really bothering me over these passed few years and I need to get them off my chest before I explode... Maple.. I hope you can all forgive me. Well, here it goes...

Sometimes I can sit in my room for days, penned up and just being content with letting my fingers clack at the keys of my computer- letting a long stream of wonderful writing flow. Most times I can do this and I do not have a problem. I can write for hours and not seem to come across a single stitch as far as problems with the internet connection or simple problems with muse. Muse issues rarely affect me. Sometimes it is hard to write, however, because my bear Kumajiki continues to beg for my attention. I feel bad for him and eventually give up trying to write to tend to his needs instead. These things are not hard to do, but I do in fact, find something very hard to do.

I may keep up the appearance that I am happy and cheerful. I'm quiet, cool and collected on the outside. So easily I can put on this mask and wear it out in the public I feel confidant that no one suspects a thing. Not a single thing, especially Alfred. He couldn't read the atmosphere if his life depended on it. But sometimes I wonder if he really does know what is going on.. sometimes I get worried when he asks me if I am okay or not. If something is bothering me. I always tell him that I'm fine. I'll lie through my teeth because I do not want him to worry. I don't want him to run to Arthur who would run to Francis- maybe. These are my problems and mine alone and no one else needs to know or care about them. Just me. I have done it for this long and had no problems, so I do not see why this needs to change.

I live a modest life and have more then modest goals. I'm a simple person but every so often I do wish I could be more out there and more alive like Alfred. Like Arthur. Like Francis... Like Gilbert even. I desire so strongly to be like them but I know better then that. All through school no one ever looked at me or gave me a second glance. I spent most of my time hanging around with that group, and yet here I am wondering why no one ever noticed me. I was and still am, quiet. I behave and stick to the rules just like I did back then. I'm as nice as I can be and strive to do my very best but it has landed me no where. If I want to be noticed I have to ask for it- which I can't stand doing. Just for once in my life I would like to be able to do something and be recognized for it without having to point it out or ask for it. For once I'd like to be able to stand up without feeling fear of judgement washing over me, and just shouting to the world "HERE I AM!" But I don't have the courage. I want to be seen but I'm terrified of what being seen might do.

Francis always said to me I was a real catch and Alfred right along encouraged, but I don't see it. If no one else will give me a chance or even look at me, how am I to believe that? How am I to accept that kind of statement when I know deep inside that no one in this world wants to hook up and be seen with the pale, lanky blogger geek. My glasses are always sliding off my face, my clothing never seems to stay clean or neat. My hair is a constant mess that I cannot tame with one annoying as hell curl that sticks straight out and hangs in my face. I'm not book smart by any means and I have a weird sense of humor. Not to mention I think that currently my best friend in the world is Kuma. Who wants to go out with someone like that? No one.

I have friends I talk to on the internet while I blog, and I've got my small tiny group of friends here. My parents love me and I know my friends do too, but this is not the kind of love I want. This is not the kind of life I want. I sit here night after night, day after day waiting for someone to invite me along on their nightly or daily conquests. I'm constantly looking for a way in but no one gives it to me. No one gives me that chance. So instead of going out and having fun with my friends or even a potential future lover, I get to sit at home by myself and wait for everyone to return to their ports at the end of the night. I get to hear all about their dates and the fun things that they got to do. Or even better! I get to listen to them complain about how their companion or children keep causing them grief and heaven forbid I mention that I would like to experience that someday.. the moment I do they tell me how awful it is or how I don't know because I've never had that...

It hurts a lot. It hurts and sends my chest to tighten uncomfortably around my heart. Clenching tightly until it feels too painful to breathe, then my throat tightens and before I know it, my nose is tingling and my eyes are burning with salty unshed tears begging to fall and cascade down my cheeks in a display of heartbreak and sorrow that I deny anyone the right to see. After all, these are my problems. Don't get me wrong though. It isn't like I haven't tried. I have gone out, honestly. I have gone out and spent the time in the public. I've tried desperately to make myself more appealing to others, tried so hard to be seen. But if I'm alone I remain invisible to all around me and if I'm with Alfred, everyone comments on him because once more he has managed to out do me or simply just look better then I do. Trying this for as many years as I have, it becomes tiring and I feel as though I am finally going to give up and surrender to my fate.

I feel as if my only purpose in life is to sit by and let the world around me work to it's fullest. For myself to forever be alone and without love. I want it badly... I'm starved for it but because I haven't felt it yet or seen a glimpse, I'm almost afraid of it and do not want it to come. Maybe I am truly curse to sit here in my room, alone and forgotten. Perhaps I'm meant for nothing more other then to blog about the things others have done. About the adventures of amazing and talented musicians or the red carpet usuals. Maybe I'm just meant to blog on the latest hockey highlights or about the most rediculous fashion claims. If it is truly all my life is going to be... then I guess that's it.

Sorry again followers, I know you were looking forward to my commentary about the Habs playing this year.. but this needed to be said. Look for my next update and I promise it will be about the Habs.

- MAPLE OUT.

Comments:

A_Hero says: ... Please answer your phone. I'm going to call you right now!

GilisAWESOME says: Birdie? I'm coming over.

kingArthur says: ignore Alfred's message, i'm bringing him over with me.

FrancisL'amour says: Matthieu, I will be coming as well.

m_maple.99 says: ... you guys are followers?