Huge thanks to Porsche101 and inugomegirl (my fantastic co-authors on the 'Diary Of' series) for encouraging me with this.

"Please?" It was the pleading tone that made Skipper stop and think. Kowalski rarely begged for anything. He was the one who presented a logical, well reasoned argument… not the one who tried to pull off the puppy dog eyes.

But he'd been all out of sorts recently. Ever since he'd faced the fact he knew nothing about women. He'd clearly been going through some kind of journey of self-discovery. Skipper had seen him fall in love with a vehicle, take command when he himself had been injured, but then also to seek protection from him when the stingers moved in.

Now he hoped he'd found the answer to his confusion. The love-u-lator. Skipper strolled round the device, inspecting it. Kowalski watched him hopefully.

"And you say this will have strategic benefits?" he asked his lieutenant doubtfully.

"Absolutely Skipper! You yourself have said we can't let emotions get in the way of our mission. With this device, all those doubts can be removed!" Skipper rubbed his beak thoughtfully.

It was certainly true that getting emotionally involved could present difficulties in combat situations. He still remembered his wife sustaining injuries while flying that rescue mission in Africa. It was those injuries that eventually became just too much for her fragile body to bear. It had also made Skipper wary of forming another close attachment.

Inevitably his mind drifted to Marlene. An image formed in his head of Kowalski powering up the machine… the heart shaped indicator flashing… pointing to Marlene. She'd look up at him in surprise… wonder… then love…

"So?" Kowalski's voice broke Skipper out of his daydream. He glared at his subordinate making Kowalski step back nervously. Then he turned back to the machine.

What was the worst that could happen? Well, Kowalski could use it on Skipper and then the whole zoo would realise that the tough, commando penguin had a crush on the otter next door… or he might use it on one of the other men and it might reveal they had a crush on the otter next door… again Skipper looked suspiciously at Kowalski but then another thought struck him. What if Kowalski used it on Marlene? He couldn't stop the image from his daydream surfacing again. Marlene's beautiful brown eyes sparkling at him. However this beautiful image was smashed by the sudden terror that it might indicate she loved someone else.

What if she was in love with one of his men? Worse still, what if she was in love with Julien? He remembered that time they'd gone out of the park and Marlene had started cuddling up with the ringtailed lemur. She'd been horrified afterwards but still…

This machine might be able to determine once and for all whether Marlene had hidden feelings for the lemur. Skipper smiled.

"Alright Kowalski. But I think it should be tested first."

"Urm… okay. How do we test it?"

"We need to find ourselves a guinea pig. Someone familiar with feelings and emotions. Someone who could tell us if this machine really has found their soulmate. Someone like… Marlene."

"Marlene? Oh, you mean a mammal comparable in genetic makeup to a guinea pig?"

"Yeah. Sure. That's what I meant."

***

Skipper had a feeling of unease about this. Sure he'd been relieved at first (and slightly disappointed) when the love-u-lator had indicated Marlene's soulmate wasn't in the zoo. On the positive side, she clearly wasn't in love with Julien… on the negative side, it also meant that she wasn't in love with Skipper either… though it did indicate a wild streak that Skipper couldn't help but find attractive.

But Skipper was nothing if not military trained. If the odds weren't good, you changed the odds. And he could still declare the machine didn't work. In fact, though he'd never say as much to Kowalski, he had a feeling from the start that this would go wrong somehow. The idea had been brewing in the back of his mind that he could use Marlene's disappointment at their failure to his advantage.

It was just as he was considering that, that Kowalski interrupted,

"Gentlemen. Marlene's perfect match." The penguins looked at the creature in front of them. The best you could say was that it was at least male.

"Oh no," Skipper muttered. "Not that guy." He could not take Fred the squirrel back as Marlene's 'dream guy'. Who in their right mind would think Marlene could possibly like someone as dumb as him?

"Well, maybe he is the one," Private suggested. Skipper turned on him.

"Private, come on. Marlene's smart. Fred is…" he hesitated to find the right word and Rico suggested it for him.

"Duh."

"Yes, but… urm…. opposites attract?" Private suggested.

"Hhmm…" Skipper glanced at Fred and imagined presenting him to Marlene. She'd be horrified. Fred was weak, stupid, irresponsible… in fact, everything Skipper wasn't. Surely, if Marlene saw Skipper next to Fred… it couldn't help but make her see his superior qualities!

"Folksy wisdom… must be true," he decided.

***

Back at her habitat, Marlene wasn't happy. She couldn't understand why the penguins thought they had to find her a date. She didn't need their help and she didn't need a boyfriend! At least not some random guy selected from her saliva sample! When the penguins reappeared she was all set to give them a piece of her mind when Kowalski stopped her.

"Marlene. I am begging you… in a hushed whisper," he pleaded quietly. "Please do this for me! I'm losing faith in science… and if I don't have science… I don't have…" his voice began to break and Marlene felt sorry enough for him to give in. She'd meet their suspect boyfriend but only for Kowalski's sake. The poor guy looked like he was on the verge of a break down.

Private made the necessary introductions.

"Marlene, this is Fred. He's a squirrel." She made a conscious effort not to roll her eyes. 'Yeah, 'cause he really looked like a penguin', she thought sarcastically.

"Hey, Fred," she put out a paw. "What's up?"

"The sky? A few clouds." She smiled. That was actually pretty funny. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. She thought of the pleading look in Kowalski's eyes and the somewhat smug look on Skipper's face and decided to make a real effort to get to know this squirrel.

"What does Fred like? What does he dislike?" she rambled.

"Oh, I like a lots of things. Except for things I don't like. Stupid things I don't like!" For a long moment Marlene stared at him, aware that the penguins were still watching.

"You are really funny!" she laughed. He was certainly wacky. Unlike a certain penguin. She glanced across at Skipper who looked somewhat disconcerted.

"And," Marlene added on a whim, "kinda, sorta cute."

"Is this actually working?" Kowalski muttered. "Oh science, I never should have doubted you."

"Let's give these love birds some alone time. Roll out," Skipper commanded. The penguins rolled away and Marlene was left with her 'boyfriend'. Though she kept chatting with Fred, the back of her mind pondered what the penguins were up to.

Clearly Kowalski was troubled. There'd been no mistaking the trauma in his eyes when he'd begged her to give this a chance. Equally clearly therefore, Skipper was troubled. She knew them well enough to know that when one had a problem, they all had a problem, and as the team's skipper, Skipper felt it was his responsibility.

But what did he expect of her? Clearly she was being used to aid Kowalski's crisis of faith. In order to do that, she had to prove his machine worked. Which meant falling in love with Fred.

***

Back at the HQ, Skipper himself was trying to figure out what exactly was happening. Marlene seemed to genuinely like Fred, which wasn't how he'd expected this to go. He hadn't believed Kowalski's machine would really find Marlene's soulmate. Which meant he was left in the awkward situation of wondering what on earth he was meant to do now. He knew he should leave Marlene to be happy with her new beau… that way she'd be happy, Fred would be happy and Kowalski would be happy. But he couldn't bring himself to believe she could really be happy with that squirrel. The guy was idiotic! Marlene was an intelligent individual who could match wits with anyone Skipper knew. And what if something bad happened? Fred couldn't protect her. Not that she needed protecting, Skipper mused. Marlene was tough. It was one of the reasons he loved her so much…

He shook his head. But it wasn't right that the girl should be in the position of having to protect the male. Nature dictated however tough and independent the female, she should have an even tougher mate to back her up. Skipper knew he could do that for Marlene. No matter the danger, there was nothing he wouldn't handle, especially if she was imperilled. Fred would run screaming.

He was distracted by Kowalski humming happily. Skipper felt a twinge of guilt. Kowalski was finally beginning to cheer up. Would he really put his own feelings before that of his strategist? Even if said strategist was rubbing his victory in?

It was just as he was deciding to forget his own feelings, as long as Kowalski and Marlene were happy, that a decidedly unhappy Marlene turned up to announce,

"Lemurs stole my boyfriend!" Without missing a beat the penguin team sprung into action to track the missing mammal down.

"This is crazy!" Marlene suddenly demanded. "What could the lemurs possibly want with my boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend," Private all but snickered. A treacherous corner of Skipper's mind couldn't help but snarl at the term. But though Marlene had referred to Fred as her 'boyfriend', he had to wonder whether she was more upset by his absence or by the fact lemurs took him?

"Who knows what sick and twisted things they're doing to him?" Skipper commented, thinking of several things he wouldn't mind doing to Fred before regaining control of his jealous urges. "Rico! Tracking mode."

As they began to follow their teammate, Skipper's mind wandered again. Couldn't this end up working in his favour? He didn't know why the lemurs had taken Fred… no doubt some confused idea of their crazy king… but surely by rescuing said 'boyfriend', Marlene would see not only Skipper's superiority but his generosity. Rescuing his rival… not that Marlene realised Fred was a rival…

"Hurry! We've got to find Boo-boo." Skipper stopped in his tracks.

"Boo-boo?"

"That's my cute nickname for Fred. Not that it's any of your business."

"Cutesy nicknames!" Kowalski exclaimed. "Fantastic!" Skipper turned back and gestured Rico onwards. Who was he kidding? Kowalski was right. He'd found Marlene's perfect match and now she could live happily ever after. And if Skipper truly loved her… he'd have to let her go and never, ever let her know he loved her. She would never run to him as she was running to Fred.

"When I find Julien I'm going to rip him limb from limb, sew him back together and rip him apart all over again." Skipper's breath hitched as he listened to her. She was simply incredible and it hurt more than anything he'd ever felt to know she would never feel the same about him. He suddenly realised the cry of pain he heard wasn't his own.

"Sounds like someone beat you to it." They raced into the reptile house where Julien's screams were still echoing. The sight that met their eyes made Skipper reconsider whether Fred was all that he appeared.

"What in the name of all that is decent and good have you done to him?"

"Nothing. He did it to himself." If it had been anyone other than Fred and Julien, Skipper would have laughed at the statement. However he had to conclude with the dumb squirrel and stupid lemur it was probably true, even before Julien confirmed it. However when he added,

"You win. You may have the paw of the lovely Marlene," Skipper felt incredibly tempted to reply, 'Good grief! Not you too?' Though, he reflected as Marlene sternly informed Julien she wasn't a prize, who could blame anyone for falling for the hot-blooded otter? Julien's reply however, was less than gentlemanly.

"Yes. Now that I look you over, I see from this unflattering angle, I have decided you are right. You are no prize." Skipper's face took on a look of deep anger. The lemur would pay dearly later for those remarks. In fact he was so embroiled in his anger that he stormed out without noticing how Marlene and Fred re-connected.

It wasn't until the next morning that his general anger at the unfairness of the world abated. He'd taken out his frustration last night on the team, particularly Kowalski who'd invented the damn machine, and now he was suffering guilt. To make up for his previous bad mood he scheduled a 'holiday' session. Sun beds and smoothies. With luck Private's famed love smoothies would help him drown his sorrows as well… if only Private didn't insist on talking about Marlene's date. The only thing that Skipper felt good about was Kowalski's continuing good mood.

That was until Marlene herself arrived.

"Hey guys. So… Fred? Yeah, not happening." Skipper couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face.

"What?" Kowalski asked hugging his love-u-lator.

"Yeah. Turns out what I thought was him being funny… was actually him just being… urm… er…"

"Dumb as a sack of hammers?" Skipper suggested cheerfully.

"Let's just say I did not hear Spanish guitars when we were together."

"But… science… led us right to him…" Kowalski was clearly about to snap. "Science said he was perfect. Science! Why have you forsaken me!" He screamed and dove into the water. Skipper sighed. They were back where they started.

"What's up with him?" Marlene asked as she sat on the vacant sunbed.

"He's re-evaluating his life priorities," Skipper replied.

"Oh, that's easy. Good friends and time to relax," Marlene smiled as she lay back. Skipper watched her a moment longer before smiling himself.

"I couldn't have put it better myself."