By No1butjoe
WARNING: SPOILERS for 11x17 "Red Meat"!
A/N: I've seen a lot of people upset over Dean's decision to take the pills. As a writer, this idea would not leave me and I just have to delve into Dean's mind to find out why he did what he did.
Summary: What was Dean thinking when he took those pills?
Staring at the pills in my hand, it's hard to grasp what I'm about to do, but for Sam I'm willing to do anything to get my brother back. I've never contemplated suicide before and I'm not about to start now, though it is the only way to contact a reaper to beg them to spare Sam. Before I can think anymore on it, I put the pills in my mouth and wash them down with Pedialyte. As I wait for them to start taking effect, my thoughts once again stray to my little brother.
I let him down. Again. It feels just like Cold Oak except for the fact I left Sam's body in the middle of nowhere and that feels all kinds of wrong. The promise I made to go back for him repeats in my head and, vaguely, I wonder if I'll even be able to keep that promise.
I have to.
I have to trust that Michelle will get help once the pills kick in. I have to trust that my plan, stupid as it is, will work and the reaper will agree to bring Sam back to life. I have to save him, no matter what.
I can feel the pills start to slow my body's functions, the rhythm of my heart slowing. Somewhere far away, I can hear Michelle ask me something, but my ears don't seem to be working properly. It doesn't matter. I need to talk to the reaper and this is the only way. They have to bring him back! My heart beat slows more as the pills flow through my system. It's only a matter of time now. My eyelids grow heavy and it becomes increasingly difficult to keep them open. Finally, I give in, allowing my body to do whatever it wants. I wonder briefly if this is what people feel and experience when they take their own lives, then decide that I don't want to know. I don't plan on staying dead. Michelle will find a doctor and they'll bring me back. If they don't, then, just like I told her, no hard feelings.
All of a sudden, I'm behind the doctor, nurses, and Michelle, staring down at my convulsing body on the floor. Last time I had an out-of-body experience, Dad made a deal with the Yellow-Eyed Demon, Azazel, to save my life. But this is completely different. I'm doing this for Sam. I'm not giving up on him or me.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for my brother, including bargain with a reaper while a doctor works feverishly to resucitate me.
Hang on, Little Brother, because I'm not giving up!
A/N: The only reason I believe Dean was willing to take those pills was to bargain with the reaper (Billie) to bring Sam back. Otherwise, Dean never would've done what he did.