Teaser
For the first seventeen years, Seth Leonard Loin lived a boring unsuccessful life in
his small hometown of Harper's Village, Nebraska. Then, when he is eighteen, his parents
die, leaving his adopted sister, Laura, and him penniless and alone. The only relations they
know about are their Aunt Linda and Uncle Roger, a respected Republican congressman,
and they live in Washington, DC which is more than one thousand miles away. Full of
determination, Seth packs his few belongings, takes his savings from the bank, and with his
sister sets off for Boston in his old 1954 station wagon. Let us now join him as he meets new
friends, finds a home, and discovers love.
"Seth, when are we going to eat?" whined Laura Loin to her brother one bright July day. "As
soon as we arrive in Quincy, Illinois," Seth retorted impatiently. His thirteen year-old sister could
be such a pain at times.
All of a sudden, the car hit a sharp piece of glass, and the front tire instantly deflated.
Seth, ignoring his sister's complaints, pulled the car to the side of the highway. He calmly
surveyed the burst tire, and headed to the trunk of the station wagon. Seth was looking for a
spare tire, but to his dismay none were to be found! Frantically he searched for it, but since there
was nowhere to look in a car, he soon gave up. Where is it? I know I had one in here. Seth
recollected lending it to a friend several months previously. The friend had somehow forgotten
who it belonged to and had assumed it was his. Of course, Seth didn't know that. All he knew
was that he was stranded on an abandoned highway with no spare tire and that he was furious.
"Darn!" he exclaimed. Then out on the horizon, a shiny, black limousine appeared. Seth gaped in
awe as the long vehicle cruised closer. Having lived in a small town, Seth had never seen a
limousine. Seeing this massive automobile for the first time when he was in such a predicament
seemed implausible. Seth began to wave his hands crazily, trying to gain the driver's attention. It
must have worked for immediately after he started his insane gesticulations, the limo screeched to
a halt.
A man in his mid-twenties stepped out of the car. He ran a hand through his light brown hair
before he walked over to Seth. "I zink you require some help, no?" he asked in an accent Seth
had never heard. Actually Seth had never heard any accent except American. If he had been
cognizant, he would have realized that the man was German.
The man continued, "Get into zee car, and my chauffeur will drive you to your destination. Oh!"
he added when he spied Laura in the car. "Bring zat girl with you, too."
Seth was a bit peeved at having his sister referred to as "zat girl". He decided to inform the
stranger of his dislike of that name. As he gathered his belongings from the car, he casually
remarked, "That girl in the auto is my adopted sister, sir. I would much rather you called her by
her real name, Laura."
"Vatever," replied the man. He stopped. "Adopted sister did you say?" He opened the back door
of the limousine, and ushered the two orphans inside.
"Yes," agreed Seth. "When she was just seven years old her parents died in a automobile
accident. My parents adopted her, but then they died, too" He smiled at his sister who was
hungrily eyeing a basket full of green apples. The car started moving again.
The man tossed her an apple, and remarked "I had noticed zat you don't resemble your sister at
all. Sorry business, though, about your parents. She'd better not be adopted again, because she's
bad luck. She'd be liable to have her next adopted parents die on her, too.
"Well, don't worry," Seth assured the man. 'I'm gonna take care of her from now on."
The stranger nodded his head in comprehension.
"I still don't have any idea of what's going on," announced Laura quite snootily as she finished
the rest of her apple. She discarded the core through an open window. She smoothed her black
leggings, and began picking fuzzes off her zebra striped tee-shirt. She soon grew weary of the
tedious task, and proclaimed to her brother, "I believe we have been kidnaped, and don't try to
defend that strange man, 'cause you know as well as I do that it's true." She waved her finger at
Seth as she spoke.
Both Seth and the man were completely surprised at this accusation. The thought had never
crossed Seth's mind. He had just wanted to get to his Aunt's and Uncle's house. When this man
and offered them a lift, he had willingly accepted the kind invitation. He hadn't been taken by
force, or had he? He glanced at the stranger who had an evil glint in his eye!
Get Smart
Starring You-Know-Who as Maxwell Smart
Yada-Yada-Yada as #99
That Bald Man as Chief of CONTROL
Special Guest Star Doodly-Do as Conrad von Siegfried
The Other Guy as Starker
Who Else? as Hymie!
And extra special peeps . . .
Burt Ward as Seth Loin (little dweeb . . .)
Yvonne Craig as Alice (oh yeah, baby)
Leslie Parrish as Jenny Peters (typecaster!)
That Marcia-Actress from the Brady Bunch as Chrissy Peters. (Hehehe)
Sally Field as Laura (why not?)
Jim Bacchus as Uncle Roger (another attack of the ebil typecaster!)
Whoever Plays Mrs. Howell in Gilligan's Island as Aunt Linda
The Dave Clark Five as Themselves
and Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith (time warp!)
"Zis is KAOS!"
Written by Cassandra Elise
Based Upon an idea by Alexis Rockford
Suddenly, the man barked out, "All right, I admit it, I did kidnap you." This pronunciation
produced several "I told you so's" from Laura. The man continued, "but I only did it for your
own benefit. I'd have to kill you otherwise. Mwahahaha! Now get some sleep because ve're
going to be traveling a lot tomorrow." He gestured to them to make themselves comfortable, then
he had the car pull over so he could ride in the middle if the limo. The last thing he said before he
quitted their section was, "Ve'll be stopping at Jacksonville for zee night."
As soon as the kidnapper was gone, Laura started to wail. For three whole minutes, her cry
echoed through the vehicle. Then she quieted down and soon fell soundly asleep. Poor girl.
thought Seth. She's probably fatigued from riding in a car for two whole days without resting.
Seth sat in the car for awhile mulling over the situation that they were in, but then he, exhausted
from the day's events, fell into a deep slumber.
*********************
Seth woke up the next morning to a strange sound. It so loud he could hardly hear himself
think. He heard his sister yawn on a cot nearby.
"Good morning, Seth," she said groggily. Suddenly she was wide awake. "Jiminy! Where are
we?" Her chocolate eyes peered around the room alarmingly.
Seth was about to reply when their kidnapper entered the room and said in his strange accent,
"Vell I'm glad to see zat our little friends are awake. Ve are in an abandoned warehouse located
in Jacksonville, Illinois. My name is Conrad in case you vere curious."
"My name is Seth, Conrad," said Seth. He peered at the tall man suspiciously.
"Zat's a nice name," fibbed Conrad as he crossed his fingers behind his back.
Laura spotted Conrad crossing his fingers and wondered what he was doing, but as to not offend
the kidnapper, she remained silent.
In a perfectly innocent voice, Seth asked, "What's that annoying racket?"
Conrad cringed slightly at this inquisition, but he quickly regain his composure. "It is an enigma to
me," he lied.
"I think I know what it is," declared Laura. "I think it's the fire alarm!"
"Help!" shouted Seth. Inwardly he knew it was not the fire alarm, but he would do anything to
get out of the building.
Conrad left the room for a moment. When he returned, the music had stopped. "Whew!" he said.
"I guess it's not the fire alarm," concluded Laura.
Conrad cleared his throat. "Since I have complete guardianship over you at present, I find it most
urgent to be on our vay before Shmart gets on our case."
"Not 'our' case, bub, your case" corrected Seth. "We didn't do anything. And who the heck is
'Shmart?'"
Ignoring Seth's question, Conrad continued, "Ve vill leave on the nine-o-clock p.m. train."
That night, Conrad took Seth away to the train station, but he left his sister Laura at the
abandoned warehouse because she was too ignorant for his taste. Seth was extremely melancholy,
and angry at Conrad, who felt no pity for him as he lead him to their train. If his scheme was ever
going to work, he'd have to be very careful. Laura would only be in the way.
When they were inside the train, they bumped into three men in three spotless suits with vests.
They all had shaggy hair cuts, and inferior manners.
"Who's zat man, boss?" one of them asked. He, too, had an accent.
"He's my hostage," explained Conrad in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. He tightened his grip on
the lad who was desperately trying to escape.
Two of the three men in spotless suits with vests nodded their heads in comprehension. One
shook his head though. "I don't understand," he said in an even odder accent. "You must've
made some sort of mistake. I though we were kidnaping an agent. " He had dark thick hair and
beady brown eyes. No one payed any attention to his observation, though.
********
The next day, they arrived at the appropriate destination, Chicago. Seth was depressed
because he had left his family behind, so while Conrad was deeply involved in an argument with
the three other men, he escaped and hid at a Dave Clark Five concert. It had lots of fans, so he
imagined they were cheering for him. On the whole, he had a thoroughly enjoyable time.
Meanwhile, Conrad, finally discovered that Seth was missing. He immediately began setting up a
search party. "You, look for him in the north side of town." He pointed at the man with beady
eyes.
The man looked a bit confused, but with a nudge from one of the others gravely set off.
Next he addressed the man with the comb. "Look for him in the west side of town. I'll take the
east and you," He nodded at a short man with long eyelashes "take the south side. We've got to
find him! If he finds the police station I'm doomed!"
Now you must know by this time that Conrad is a no good nick, but did you know that one of the
three men he met on the train is an agent? And that another is his partner in the business? The
third man is on his side, though very stupid.
As soon as his friends were out of sight, the first man sauntered off to a fancy restaurant named
Alice's Restaurant. I'll look for him later. he thought. Right now I'm craving a hamburger.
So he ordered his hamburger, and it was delivered to his table all steaming and juicy. But he was
dissatisfied because he had forgotten to ask the waiter to leave off the onions. Now all his
condiments were stuck to the onions. The man didn't like to be wrong so decided to blame
someone else for his mistake. "This an outrage!" he cried. "Waiter, I want to speak to the
manager at once."
The waiter solemnly lead him to a staircase in the back of the restaurant. He pointed to a door
located at the top of the stairs.
"So that's where the manager's hiding." he snarled as he began to ascend the staircase. "Well I be
sure to tell your boss a thing or two." He opened the door. "And when I'm through I'll make ...
sure..." He didn't finish, for there seated at the desk was an attractive woman. She looked up
from her papers and stared at him through tortoise shell rimmed spectacles. Her brunette hair was
piled up in a bun and a grey suit outlined her slim body.
This man had always had a weakness for beautiful girls, and this one was no exception. He cleared
his throat, and inquired in a nice mellow tone, "Do you know where the manager of the restaurant
is?" He edged closer to the desk as he spoke.
"I am the manager," she replied in a clear, soft voice. She took off her glasses revealing a pair of
green eyes. She looked the man over, and murmured to herself, "He is rather handsome." "What do
you wish to discuss with me? I'm immensely busy so make it short."
He stepped closer and grabbing her hand he spoke, "Let's talk about us."
Alice shot up like a spring from her chair. "Please Mr. . .".
"Just call me Max," he responded.
"This is highly irregular. I must insist that you leave." She raised her hand so she could point at the
door, but realized in distress that Max was still holding it. "Please release my hand," she pleaded, but
with no avail, for Max was bent on being heard.
"You must listen to what I say!" he exclaimed. "I love you and I ask you here, in the presence of this
leather chair, will you date me?"
"I most certainly will not!" said Alice. She jerked her hand from his grasp.
"You will too! You must. You cannot refuse me" was the vain answer.
"I will not!" Alice threw a paperweight at Max. Unfortunately, she missed.
"You will, too!" Max grabbed Alice by both arms.
"I will, too!"
*The audience laughs. Cut to commercial break*
A/N: This was originally written for a different fandom that was taken off fanfiction. With the help
of the brilliantly funny Alexis Rockford, I rewrote it for Get Smart. Enjoy, and if you have time, read
her fic "In the Mood for KAOS." I guarantee you'll love it!
For the first seventeen years, Seth Leonard Loin lived a boring unsuccessful life in
his small hometown of Harper's Village, Nebraska. Then, when he is eighteen, his parents
die, leaving his adopted sister, Laura, and him penniless and alone. The only relations they
know about are their Aunt Linda and Uncle Roger, a respected Republican congressman,
and they live in Washington, DC which is more than one thousand miles away. Full of
determination, Seth packs his few belongings, takes his savings from the bank, and with his
sister sets off for Boston in his old 1954 station wagon. Let us now join him as he meets new
friends, finds a home, and discovers love.
"Seth, when are we going to eat?" whined Laura Loin to her brother one bright July day. "As
soon as we arrive in Quincy, Illinois," Seth retorted impatiently. His thirteen year-old sister could
be such a pain at times.
All of a sudden, the car hit a sharp piece of glass, and the front tire instantly deflated.
Seth, ignoring his sister's complaints, pulled the car to the side of the highway. He calmly
surveyed the burst tire, and headed to the trunk of the station wagon. Seth was looking for a
spare tire, but to his dismay none were to be found! Frantically he searched for it, but since there
was nowhere to look in a car, he soon gave up. Where is it? I know I had one in here. Seth
recollected lending it to a friend several months previously. The friend had somehow forgotten
who it belonged to and had assumed it was his. Of course, Seth didn't know that. All he knew
was that he was stranded on an abandoned highway with no spare tire and that he was furious.
"Darn!" he exclaimed. Then out on the horizon, a shiny, black limousine appeared. Seth gaped in
awe as the long vehicle cruised closer. Having lived in a small town, Seth had never seen a
limousine. Seeing this massive automobile for the first time when he was in such a predicament
seemed implausible. Seth began to wave his hands crazily, trying to gain the driver's attention. It
must have worked for immediately after he started his insane gesticulations, the limo screeched to
a halt.
A man in his mid-twenties stepped out of the car. He ran a hand through his light brown hair
before he walked over to Seth. "I zink you require some help, no?" he asked in an accent Seth
had never heard. Actually Seth had never heard any accent except American. If he had been
cognizant, he would have realized that the man was German.
The man continued, "Get into zee car, and my chauffeur will drive you to your destination. Oh!"
he added when he spied Laura in the car. "Bring zat girl with you, too."
Seth was a bit peeved at having his sister referred to as "zat girl". He decided to inform the
stranger of his dislike of that name. As he gathered his belongings from the car, he casually
remarked, "That girl in the auto is my adopted sister, sir. I would much rather you called her by
her real name, Laura."
"Vatever," replied the man. He stopped. "Adopted sister did you say?" He opened the back door
of the limousine, and ushered the two orphans inside.
"Yes," agreed Seth. "When she was just seven years old her parents died in a automobile
accident. My parents adopted her, but then they died, too" He smiled at his sister who was
hungrily eyeing a basket full of green apples. The car started moving again.
The man tossed her an apple, and remarked "I had noticed zat you don't resemble your sister at
all. Sorry business, though, about your parents. She'd better not be adopted again, because she's
bad luck. She'd be liable to have her next adopted parents die on her, too.
"Well, don't worry," Seth assured the man. 'I'm gonna take care of her from now on."
The stranger nodded his head in comprehension.
"I still don't have any idea of what's going on," announced Laura quite snootily as she finished
the rest of her apple. She discarded the core through an open window. She smoothed her black
leggings, and began picking fuzzes off her zebra striped tee-shirt. She soon grew weary of the
tedious task, and proclaimed to her brother, "I believe we have been kidnaped, and don't try to
defend that strange man, 'cause you know as well as I do that it's true." She waved her finger at
Seth as she spoke.
Both Seth and the man were completely surprised at this accusation. The thought had never
crossed Seth's mind. He had just wanted to get to his Aunt's and Uncle's house. When this man
and offered them a lift, he had willingly accepted the kind invitation. He hadn't been taken by
force, or had he? He glanced at the stranger who had an evil glint in his eye!
Get Smart
Starring You-Know-Who as Maxwell Smart
Yada-Yada-Yada as #99
That Bald Man as Chief of CONTROL
Special Guest Star Doodly-Do as Conrad von Siegfried
The Other Guy as Starker
Who Else? as Hymie!
And extra special peeps . . .
Burt Ward as Seth Loin (little dweeb . . .)
Yvonne Craig as Alice (oh yeah, baby)
Leslie Parrish as Jenny Peters (typecaster!)
That Marcia-Actress from the Brady Bunch as Chrissy Peters. (Hehehe)
Sally Field as Laura (why not?)
Jim Bacchus as Uncle Roger (another attack of the ebil typecaster!)
Whoever Plays Mrs. Howell in Gilligan's Island as Aunt Linda
The Dave Clark Five as Themselves
and Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith (time warp!)
"Zis is KAOS!"
Written by Cassandra Elise
Based Upon an idea by Alexis Rockford
Suddenly, the man barked out, "All right, I admit it, I did kidnap you." This pronunciation
produced several "I told you so's" from Laura. The man continued, "but I only did it for your
own benefit. I'd have to kill you otherwise. Mwahahaha! Now get some sleep because ve're
going to be traveling a lot tomorrow." He gestured to them to make themselves comfortable, then
he had the car pull over so he could ride in the middle if the limo. The last thing he said before he
quitted their section was, "Ve'll be stopping at Jacksonville for zee night."
As soon as the kidnapper was gone, Laura started to wail. For three whole minutes, her cry
echoed through the vehicle. Then she quieted down and soon fell soundly asleep. Poor girl.
thought Seth. She's probably fatigued from riding in a car for two whole days without resting.
Seth sat in the car for awhile mulling over the situation that they were in, but then he, exhausted
from the day's events, fell into a deep slumber.
*********************
Seth woke up the next morning to a strange sound. It so loud he could hardly hear himself
think. He heard his sister yawn on a cot nearby.
"Good morning, Seth," she said groggily. Suddenly she was wide awake. "Jiminy! Where are
we?" Her chocolate eyes peered around the room alarmingly.
Seth was about to reply when their kidnapper entered the room and said in his strange accent,
"Vell I'm glad to see zat our little friends are awake. Ve are in an abandoned warehouse located
in Jacksonville, Illinois. My name is Conrad in case you vere curious."
"My name is Seth, Conrad," said Seth. He peered at the tall man suspiciously.
"Zat's a nice name," fibbed Conrad as he crossed his fingers behind his back.
Laura spotted Conrad crossing his fingers and wondered what he was doing, but as to not offend
the kidnapper, she remained silent.
In a perfectly innocent voice, Seth asked, "What's that annoying racket?"
Conrad cringed slightly at this inquisition, but he quickly regain his composure. "It is an enigma to
me," he lied.
"I think I know what it is," declared Laura. "I think it's the fire alarm!"
"Help!" shouted Seth. Inwardly he knew it was not the fire alarm, but he would do anything to
get out of the building.
Conrad left the room for a moment. When he returned, the music had stopped. "Whew!" he said.
"I guess it's not the fire alarm," concluded Laura.
Conrad cleared his throat. "Since I have complete guardianship over you at present, I find it most
urgent to be on our vay before Shmart gets on our case."
"Not 'our' case, bub, your case" corrected Seth. "We didn't do anything. And who the heck is
'Shmart?'"
Ignoring Seth's question, Conrad continued, "Ve vill leave on the nine-o-clock p.m. train."
That night, Conrad took Seth away to the train station, but he left his sister Laura at the
abandoned warehouse because she was too ignorant for his taste. Seth was extremely melancholy,
and angry at Conrad, who felt no pity for him as he lead him to their train. If his scheme was ever
going to work, he'd have to be very careful. Laura would only be in the way.
When they were inside the train, they bumped into three men in three spotless suits with vests.
They all had shaggy hair cuts, and inferior manners.
"Who's zat man, boss?" one of them asked. He, too, had an accent.
"He's my hostage," explained Conrad in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. He tightened his grip on
the lad who was desperately trying to escape.
Two of the three men in spotless suits with vests nodded their heads in comprehension. One
shook his head though. "I don't understand," he said in an even odder accent. "You must've
made some sort of mistake. I though we were kidnaping an agent. " He had dark thick hair and
beady brown eyes. No one payed any attention to his observation, though.
********
The next day, they arrived at the appropriate destination, Chicago. Seth was depressed
because he had left his family behind, so while Conrad was deeply involved in an argument with
the three other men, he escaped and hid at a Dave Clark Five concert. It had lots of fans, so he
imagined they were cheering for him. On the whole, he had a thoroughly enjoyable time.
Meanwhile, Conrad, finally discovered that Seth was missing. He immediately began setting up a
search party. "You, look for him in the north side of town." He pointed at the man with beady
eyes.
The man looked a bit confused, but with a nudge from one of the others gravely set off.
Next he addressed the man with the comb. "Look for him in the west side of town. I'll take the
east and you," He nodded at a short man with long eyelashes "take the south side. We've got to
find him! If he finds the police station I'm doomed!"
Now you must know by this time that Conrad is a no good nick, but did you know that one of the
three men he met on the train is an agent? And that another is his partner in the business? The
third man is on his side, though very stupid.
As soon as his friends were out of sight, the first man sauntered off to a fancy restaurant named
Alice's Restaurant. I'll look for him later. he thought. Right now I'm craving a hamburger.
So he ordered his hamburger, and it was delivered to his table all steaming and juicy. But he was
dissatisfied because he had forgotten to ask the waiter to leave off the onions. Now all his
condiments were stuck to the onions. The man didn't like to be wrong so decided to blame
someone else for his mistake. "This an outrage!" he cried. "Waiter, I want to speak to the
manager at once."
The waiter solemnly lead him to a staircase in the back of the restaurant. He pointed to a door
located at the top of the stairs.
"So that's where the manager's hiding." he snarled as he began to ascend the staircase. "Well I be
sure to tell your boss a thing or two." He opened the door. "And when I'm through I'll make ...
sure..." He didn't finish, for there seated at the desk was an attractive woman. She looked up
from her papers and stared at him through tortoise shell rimmed spectacles. Her brunette hair was
piled up in a bun and a grey suit outlined her slim body.
This man had always had a weakness for beautiful girls, and this one was no exception. He cleared
his throat, and inquired in a nice mellow tone, "Do you know where the manager of the restaurant
is?" He edged closer to the desk as he spoke.
"I am the manager," she replied in a clear, soft voice. She took off her glasses revealing a pair of
green eyes. She looked the man over, and murmured to herself, "He is rather handsome." "What do
you wish to discuss with me? I'm immensely busy so make it short."
He stepped closer and grabbing her hand he spoke, "Let's talk about us."
Alice shot up like a spring from her chair. "Please Mr. . .".
"Just call me Max," he responded.
"This is highly irregular. I must insist that you leave." She raised her hand so she could point at the
door, but realized in distress that Max was still holding it. "Please release my hand," she pleaded, but
with no avail, for Max was bent on being heard.
"You must listen to what I say!" he exclaimed. "I love you and I ask you here, in the presence of this
leather chair, will you date me?"
"I most certainly will not!" said Alice. She jerked her hand from his grasp.
"You will too! You must. You cannot refuse me" was the vain answer.
"I will not!" Alice threw a paperweight at Max. Unfortunately, she missed.
"You will, too!" Max grabbed Alice by both arms.
"I will, too!"
*The audience laughs. Cut to commercial break*
A/N: This was originally written for a different fandom that was taken off fanfiction. With the help
of the brilliantly funny Alexis Rockford, I rewrote it for Get Smart. Enjoy, and if you have time, read
her fic "In the Mood for KAOS." I guarantee you'll love it!