He stood in the bathroom, neither knowing or caring if anyone was watching him. His shirt lay in a tattered heap on the floor. There were several rips and blood stains on it, the once bright white fabric ruined by one act in one short space of time. It was like the light you could usually see in the man's eyes, once bright with life and hope now dull with loss and failure. It would have been okay if he had time. Time to react and time to defend himself, but he didn't and he will mentally punish himself for that for a long time to come.
He glanced at the dried blood now covering his torso through the mirror. Should he clean it up? Should he take care of himself? If he didn't then he knew that someone else would, his wife would take care of them for sure if she saw them. However, this would make him seem weaker than before so he takes some toilet paper and runs the tap, wetting the tiny sheets. He scrubs at the dried blood on his torso until there was no trace of it too be seen.
He picks up his shirt. What would he do with it? He could never wear it again so there was no point cleaning it. It would have to go into the trash, he goes into his shared room and puts it in the little trashcan in the corner of the room, mentally telling himself to get rid of it properly before she finds it. The room suddenly gets all hot and stuffy and the man feels like he needs a way out. He can't go the way he came though; he would die that way.
He finds a new shirt in the drawer, a long sleeved shirt. That would hide the injuries and most of his former identity. He feels like he is in the wrong body, that the man behind the mask has changed too much. People would see him and say how strong he was, how much of a brave man he was. This wasn't him anymore; he couldn't even defend himself from one little fight that he could have easily won.
He would leave a note for his wife, tell her that he needed some air and went for a walk. He wasn't sure when he would be back. He wasn't even sure if he would come back. Then on his walk to the stairs he passes one of the rooms. His daughter's bedroom, one of the few people he knew that looked up to him with so much love and happiness. She always thought that her daddy was a hero, her idol. She wanted to grow up and be exactly like him.
She wouldn't want to anymore, not if she knew that her father was a failure. She would hate him and that was something he feared more than the guys who attacked him. He knew that the little girl he loves would be heart broken and it would break him more. She wouldn't find out; he was going to make sure of that. Maybe he should just run, run and never look back until he found himself again.
That wouldn't work. He wasn't sure who he was anymore so how would he know what the real him looked like. The man who would have the bright lights in his eyes, be the one that people could go for when the needed help and the man that his wife looked forward to going home to see after a long, stressful day at work. That was who he was, that man seems so far away now almost a distant memory.
He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. It's just a little walk, maybe to the nearest park and stay there for a while then return as the sun rises. It is one o'clock in the morning, that would give him plenty of time to figure out who he was, sort his life out and build a façade. He wasn't sure if he could be the same man again, but to the people he cared about he could pretend.
He finds a notepad on the table, open and his handwriting already on the crisp white sheets. Music lyrics, a clue to who he was maybe? The lyrics are deep and meaningful. The emotion that he was getting from this was sadness. He rips it out and screws it into a little ball. He disposes of it, he hated the lyrics, he was supposed to be happier than that he was sure of it.
On a fresh clean sheet of paper, he writes his note for his wife. He leaves little detail of where he was going. He wasn't sure of his destination, he just wanted to leave. He said he wasn't sure on when he was going to be back but if he wasn't back by daylight to either ring him or the police. He was sure that she wouldn't need to do either and he would be back but a feeling stirred inside of him, a dark feeling so he wasn't leaving it to chance.
His wife was going to be home soon. His brother was fast asleep, snoring on the sofa so he knew that his daughter would be safe and not home alone. He was happy that his brother hadn't woken up yet, his appearance would lead to questions. Questions he felt ashamed to answer.
The cold night air hit him like a soothing wave once he left his house. He had no jacket on so he stuffed his hands into his jean pockets, looked down and started walking in a direction. He was still unsure of his destination but he felt his head clear slightly as he wandered the streets near his house. There was no one else walking this late and for that he was thankful, he didn't want the stares, the stares that had a million questions left unsaid in them. They would gossip, what was he doing walking at this time? Was he drunk? Did he have an argument with his wife?
He made up his mind for once that night. He would walk to the park, find a little place he could hide and think and go there. He had his phone to keep an eye on time and any communications from family and friends. This led him to questioning whether or not they would actually care if he went away and never come back, his family would. His family would search for him until they found him.
Friends are a different story however; they could easily find a replacement friend. They wouldn't miss him that much. His boss would find a replacement for him just as they found him for the other guy that had his job before him. Friends were an odd thing, they could turn around and leave you in the dust as quickly as they take you in as the friend. To the man that's why there was the end in friend, it was so easy to break a friendship.
It seemed like an hour when it was only around ten or fifteen minutes, but he reached his destination. The local park offered so many places to isolate yourself from the world, many little cubby holes you could spend hours hiding from society and work things out, get your feelings in check. Maybe this is why it was the most popular park on this side of town.
The man sits in one of the cubby holes he has been too ever since he was a small child. When he was younger it was a place for his imagination to flourish and he could spend his hours being the carefree little boy. As he got older it was more of a place to hide, from what no one was sure and few people knew but to him it was a way to hide from himself.
He sat there for many hours, replaying the day over and over in his head, trying to pinpoint the exact time it all went downhill and led him to the location he was in currently. He often checked his phone when he felt too frustrated to find his mistake and saw no messages. His wife would be home by now and would have seen his note. No one seemed to care about him at this moment. The dark feeling stirred again, it sensed the emotions within the man it loved feeding on, fear, failure, hopelessness and abandonment.
He was once again questioning if people cared if he left. He was no longer thinking about running, going somewhere else and reinventing himself. He was thinking a quicker, permanent route. This would mean that he would never be seen again. He would end it all, the pain and suffering he was going through every day of his life. He seemed like such a happy man, little did people know that this was a façade, his whole life was built as a lie.
Every day he would face his demons, the voices in his head telling him he wasn't worth it, he wasn't loved, he was a failure. Every day he would fight these demons, try and prove them wrong, try and prove to them that he could be the opposite of the things they tell him. He doesn't always win his battles but he tries his hardest to destroy the demons.
By now though, he was getting tired of the constant fights, tired of having to hide his true self from people. He didn't want the questions, the forced help, people saying to him that they knew what he was going through and what helped them. They weren't living life through his eyes or being in his shoes, how could they possibly know what he was going through? How could they possibly know if he was going through the same thing as him? How would they know if the methods of healing would work on him? Such a broken young man he had become.
He often wondered what happened to that carefree little boy, what happen to make him grow into the mess of a human he saw himself as. Maybe when his dad left he took the carefree little boy with him and left behind this empty shell. That had to be it, he idolized his dad like his daughter does with him now. He was devastated when his father walked out that night, never saying goodbye and never coming back.
Then what happened tonight? Why didn't he fight those thugs off? He knows he could have; he was capable of doing it. There was nothing during the day that was bad, nothing to put him in that helpless mood. He had a good day in work, his co-workers praised his efforts during the day. He had a great time with his daughter when he got home, they sat together and played for a few hours. His brother came to see him and they had a laugh together.
He found nothing in his mental search. He was getting tired; the sun was going to come up soon. He hadn't slept, he also hadn't found the answer he was looking for. Who was there during that confrontation? He was there and there were three thugs. He wasn't sure who sent them or why they beat him. Maybe he enemy sent them to end it, he knew that there was at least one guy wanting him dead right now.
He heard the click clack of high heels on tarmac. He heard his name being called by a woman, his wife, she had come looking for him, but why? He was sure that it wasn't daylight yet, it was only four am, the sun doesn't rise for at least two more hours. He panics, he had worried her hadn't he. He hasn't gone for a late night walk in a long time, she would know something is wrong.
The footsteps get closer and then as he looks up his wife in crouched in front of him, clearly worried and holding the note he had left in her hands. "What's wrong baby, what happened?" she says, brushing her fingers on his cheek, the contact from her warm fingers tingling his skin. The tears build up in his eyes. "There were some thugs on the way back from the shops and they... jumped me." He admits, his voice sound shaky, showing weakness he thought.
Her fingers move to wipe the tears that were falling down. "aw baby you didn't have to hide. You know by now how I feel about you. Don't let the demons take you away from me." She says, pulling her husband into a warm embrace as he cried, she wants him to feel safe. He forgot that this man he was searching for wasn't as past façade, it was a great man who turned to an amazing woman for help and she accepted, always being there for him whenever he felt like this.
He now felt awfully stupid. He had a battle over his demons over one little slip up, one incident that would probably never happen again and let them take over, let them win. There was no real reason for the whole thing. He could have stayed at home called his wife and told her what had happened. She would have come home and given him some love and care and he wouldn't have felt that way at all.
He numbly hugs her back, he was calming down and realised that coming out in just a t-shirt, even if it was long sleeved was not a good idea and he was cold. "sorry, this was stupid." He mumbles. The woman pulls out of the embrace and makes him look at her. "It is never stupid, you almost let the demons win this time, but I know they won't and I will make sure of it. It isn't weakness if you have a little mistake now and again, you are only human. People make mistakes all the time, even I do." She says, she pulls his lips to hers and seals them in a kiss.
This reignites the light in the man's eyes, she was right. He was full of hope again; the demons might have tried to win this battle but as long as he had his woman by his side he would be fine. He could win the war inside his head, he just had to keep trying. After all life is all about trying, even if you do make mistakes you learn from them and use it to become a better person.
"Come on, let's go home. I need to check you over and I am certain that you haven't slept yet." She says getting up and pulling the man to his feet. She put the note into her back and pulled out a hoodie. She pulls it over the man's head and watches as he puts his arms through the sleeves and hugs himself for warmth. "I came looking after I read the note and I had time to process why you had done it, I also realised that you hadn't taken a coat with you either so I thought you would be cold by now." She says wrapping one arm around him.
"thanks, I didn't realise until now I was cold, I guess my mind was in dark places so I had no reason to think about that." He said resting his head on her shoulder as they made the short journey back to their house. He was also feeling some pain and was definitely feeling tired. He allowed his wife to lead him to their bedroom and help him get changed and his wounds taken care of. She gave him some pain killers and cuddled him in bed.
She was playing with his hair and smiling when she saw how relaxed and sleepy her husband was getting. She loved him so much and hated the demons he had inside, why couldn't they just leave him alone and bother someone else? "Go to sleep now my lion, everything will be just fine when you wake up." She says kissing him once more on the lips before he fell asleep.
Their daughter wasn't awake yet and the man's brother was still asleep on the sofa so there was no reason in their minds to tell them about the events of the night. It would be their secret, they didn't need to tell them and worry them because there was no longer an issue. He was home and safe, a little battered and bruised but otherwise perfectly fine.
She closed her eyes and let sleep take over. Tomorrow was going to be a good day, a better day, she could feel it. She would take him to tell the police what happened and maybe the men would be caught. She would also hope that the demons that plague her husband would finally get the message that they're not wanted and they would leave him alone. Even if those things didn't happen she would make sure that her husband was happy and that's all that she wanted.