Disclaimer: Yeah, that's right, I'm disclaiming it. Even though it would make the average reader cry if it wasn't parody.
Sunday was dismal as always for Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci--for one thing, it was laundry day, and for another thing, it was church day, which Magnolia's rebel nature had made her hate. Ever since her father, Abraham, had been falsely accused locked up in some British prison, she had become more enclosed in her own world. Today, she had elected to sneak out of church to go to the hockey finals and aid her team, the Ontario Retarded Ducks. She was hardly another Hentai Kisaragi, the team's star player, but her team needed her for added tactical strength.
Magnolia--or as her friends called her, Katsa--stepped onto the ice with little confidence. The opposing team's goalie was almost three times her size (she was easily the smallest player on the ice). How was she ever going to get the puck past him? She couldn't screw up this game, especially when she'd hopped a flight to Britain behind her mother's back just to be there. She wound her way to the center of the ice, gazing into its surface: the same bright, sparkling white of her eyes. The black puck gleamed in the air momenterily after the face off, and Katsa had virtually only seconds to steal it from the competition.
Hentai gave Katsa a wink as she sped off with the puck, the rest of the players seeming leagues behind. Katsa sped faster and faster around the rink. Several people screamed in surprise for no reason she could see, but, undistracted, she propeled herself to behind the opponent's net, spontaneously getting a brilliant idea. With her stick, she scooped up the puck, and flung it right at the back of the goalie's fat head, where it bounced right off into the net.
"And it's 1-0 with Ontario in the lead, thanks to DaVinci. Already, this is proving to be quite a game," the commentator announced. "But wait, what's this? Britain's goalie, Dursley, isn't taking this too good. Oh, DaVinci, watch out!"
Katsa found herself on the ground, in pain, with some cracked ribs for sure, and possibly internal bleeding. She'd been attacked by the opponent's goalie and tackled to the ground. Groaning in discomfort, I helplessly lay there until Hentai was kind enough to escort me off of the ice, where I sat on a bench with resentment.
As goal after goal was scored, Katsa became increasingly miserable. Sure, they were winning, but she was stuck on the sidelines. "Hey, Heni," she called as soon as Hentai was within earshot. "WHy was everyone screaming before?"
"Are you kidding? You broke the sound barrier!" Hentai shouted. Could it be true? Katsa, a small-town Asian girl from Canada, flying across the ice at supersonic speed? Even she herself was reluctant to believe it, though everyone heard the sonic boom.
More sooner than later, the game was over, an easy victory for the Retarded Ducks. That big freak Dursley abled over to meet his parents, while Katsa watched with fury, longing for sweet vengance. Then, suddenly, on the back of his uniform burst a flicker of flame. Katsa let out a near silent wave of evil laughter as the flames spread. "DIDDY, YOU"RE ON FIRE!" his mother exclained, as he began to roll on the ground idiodically. The last thing he saw before fainting was Magnolia Rubidium DaVinci's radiant smile and flash of brightly dyed, shiny hair. Having achieved her goal, she too let herself slip into unconciousness.
A/N: I cannot believe I've allowed this story to erupt from my vigorously typing fingertips, even if it is only a joke. Yes, she's related to Leonardo DaVinci, and also Merlin and probably Jesus. Review if you want to send flames, laughter, love, hate, whatever! Just make it worth my time. Oh, and did you like the part where I switched to first person for a few sentences?