Blair Waldorf Journal Entry # 1:
I don't know how much more I can take. I heard someone say once, there's always going to be someone better than you, that person, for me is Serena. I guess if Serena's the designer than I'm the canal street knockoff. God don't let her know that, she would tell everyone. I cant ever let anyone else know that I know she's better than me. Confidence is key to surviving in this world. My mother wishes I was Serena. To be honest I don't really know anyone who wishes I was me.
I don't want to talk about Chuck because every time I even think about him it just hurts and I am just so tired of being hurt and in pain. At the same time I think if I don't talk about it then I might explode.
My dad is the one who said I had to go to therapy, and the therapist said I have to keep this journal. I think the therapist thinks I'm on drugs, honestly it has been a thought and I know if I really wanted to I could, but I would like to think that I'm above that. I guess drinking like a fish and purging everything I eat is more my style.
Every time I even see him I feel like a knife is twisting around in my heart and acid burning and boiling in my lungs.
I just want things to be okay, just for a day. If I could have one day where I knew Chuck really loved me, Serena was a real friend, Nate actually hung out with us again, my mother like me and my dad could actually really see me, If I had one day like that then I think the rest of it would all be worth it.
I hate complaining about my life, but even worse I hat having a reason to complain. Obviously my life could be a whole lot worse, Upper East Side doesn't exactly scream poor little girl but I guess I have my fair share of problems. Lets take a look at the final tally shall we?
Nate: Barely around anymore, I know he doesn't care about me the way he used to but he was once a good friend to me and I wish things could be the way they were.
Serena: She was my best friend, like the sister I never had, she was always going to be there for me and I for her. But now she wants to shine and I prevent that, she wants the glory and attention and she doesn't want me involved, she wants to rule and thinks that I should follow beneath her. She's so caught up in herself she can't see me.
My Mother: The other night after the fashion show she was making a toast and do you know what she said? She said, "A toast to my beautiful girls, Jenny and Serena, who saved the day." Her beautiful girls, I guess I'm not one of them. She let a whole room of people know that I am not what she wanted, she wishes Jenny and Serena were her daughters, not me. I didn't think it would hurt so bad to be this unwanted, but it does.
My Father: He loves me I know he does, maybe he's the only one, but he isn't here. He's too busy for me and that's not bad , I'll take what I can get but I wish he could hear me.
Chuck: I can't even begin, I want him so much, but he doesn't want me anymore. I should have known this would happen. I don't want to talk about it anymore.