A/N: This story is based on the episode arc with Bizzy and Susan from Private Practice in season four. It a recreation of the episode "Home Again" with an AU twist. Enjoy :)
"Are you okay?" he husband asked her for the millionth time that day alone. She'd lost track of how many times he'd asked her that same question over the last two days.
They stood beside the private plane Addison's family had chartered at a small, private airport in Malibu. They had moved to Los Angeles after a brief one year stint in Seattle. They created a whole new life for themselves, rebuilt their marriage and welcomed a daughter. They had also been working on rebuilding their relationship with Addison's family and in Derek's opinion they had made great progress. In the years since they restored contact, the Montgomerys had met their first grandchild and Addison and Derek had learned of Bizzy's hidden sexual orientation. It was not easy but they learned to work passed the difficulties and had reached a level of comfort that allowed Bizzy to show up unannounced with a desperate plea of help.
"I'm fine. I'm a doctor, patients die all the time. It's nothing..." Addison replied to him dismissively.
"This wasn't a patient, Addison, this is your mother." Derek told her softly. "It's alright to be hurt and disappointed, confused, angry, whatever...the point is, it's alright to feel something."
"I'm fine." she repeated then glanced over at the toddler situated on his hip. "I'll be back in a week, I assume you know to feed her, bathe her and make sure she goes to bed on time."
"I'll take care of her." he assured. "But we could also get on that plane with you so we could all be together during this and then you could double check that I did everything right, like you always do after you ask me to care for her."
"That's because you can never do any of it right. Luckily she's potty trained now and doesn't need diapers. Two years and you still couldn't understand that boys and girls don't use the same diapers and couldn't decipher the front from the back...I'm hoping you'll manage with underwear and if you can't, I'm sure Allie will figure it out." Addison shot back quickly then turned to the crew of the plane with a raised brow. "I'm sorry, would you like me to load the luggage?" she asked sarcastically before shaking her head disapprovingly and moving toward the staircase to board the private jet.
Derek stood on the doorstep of his wife's childhood home with his three and a half year old daughter perched on his hip. He was holding her close to keep her warm until someone had the chance to open the door and let them in. After almost two minutes of waiting the butler pulled the door open and offered Derek an apologetic look.
"Hi." Derek whispered, recognizing the butler to be the same man he'd met during his numerous stays at the Montgomery estate.
"Mr. Shepherd." he greeted formally. "Miss. Montgomery is in the formal living area. I'll take you to see...Oh, I'm sorry. I never remember that it's Dr. Shepherd and Mrs. Dr. Shepherd now. I still think of you two as the hopelessly-in-love college sweethearts."
Derek smiled. "Derek is fine." he told him, like he did every time he was there. "And I know Addison's been telling you to use her first name for a good 25 years. How is she doing by the way?"
"I can't tell." the man whispered in response. "Mr. Montgomery is using it to his advantage, 'my mother died, let me have it my way.' Dr. Montgomery has been drinking more than I've ever seen him drink in the 25 years I've worked here. But Addison...I don't know. I can't tell. She seems like she's not even in her body, like she's just going through the motions...She doesn't react to anything, she cold and stiff...to be honest, her behavior worries me more than anyone else's."
Derek took a deep breath and let it out before following the aging man toward the formal living room where a few people were already seated.
"Miss. Montgomery, Mr. Shepherd is here to see you." he informed her. Her hollow eyes gazed at the door just in time to see Derek step into room with their daughter in his arms.
"Derek." The Captain rose from his seat to greet his son-in-law with a handshake. "And Allie..." he smiled at the little girl before leaning in to place a kiss on her blushed cheek. "You've all met Addison's husband, correct? And the little is their daughter, of course. Derek, Bizzy's friends and family stopped by."
Derek politely smiled at everyone but his eyes couldn't divert away from Addison who still hadn't moved from her spot by the beverage cart.
"Mommy." the little girl smiled brightly at her mother and waved her hand, desperately seeking affection and attention from her.
Addison did her best to ignore anything that would ruin her facade. She needed to stay cold and stiff to prevent herself from breaking down into tears. She moved toward where her husband and father stood but instead of taking Allie from Derek's arms, she placed a hand on her father's shoulder. "I don't mean to be rude but we've got a meeting with the funeral director."
"Archer is not even downstairs yet, Addison. The funeral director can wait." The Captain replied.
"Archer is right here. Oh, Derek, hey! ...Allie!" he said as he stepped into the room. He went right toward his niece and held his arms out for her. "I think you and I need some Allie/Archie time, kiddo."
"Archer, we don't have time." Addison repeated firmly, fixing a glare in her direction.
"Why don't we have time. What is the funeral director waiting for?"
"You. Study, now, Archer." Addison spoke firmly with a glare. "Let's go, Captain, we can fall behind schedule." she insisted.
"Jesus, Addison, relax and take a breath. Who died and made you the queen of this place?" Archer replied sarcastically.
"My mother." Addison shot back as she moved toward the hall.
Derek followed behind her, reaching for her hand before she could get away.
"I'm going to be late, Derek." she warned him.
"It's okay." he whispered, leaning in kiss her cheek then allowing their daughter a turn. "I know you didn't want us to come but we couldn't let you do this alone."
"Thank you." she replied emotionlessly. "I have to go."
Allie watched her mother's figure retreat down the hall before he turned to look at her father. "Miss Mommy." she whispered.
Derek held her tighter, kissing her temple affectionately to make up for the attention Addison refused to give her. "Mommy is a little sad right now but she's gonna be okay, pumpkin. We have to very nice to her until she feels better, no making her mad, okay?"
"I gave Allie a bath and put her down to bed." Derek said as soon as she walked into the bedroom later that night.
"Why are you here?"
"Because I just put Allie to bed." Derek repeated. "I didn't think it would be wise to put her in her own room. If she wakes up at night and sees she's alone in strange house she'd freak out. So she could sleep between us, or if you want some space, I could let you two sleep in here and I'll find a room for myself. And if you want to be completely alone, I can go find out which room is empty and Allie and I will stay there together."
"Derek, I'm not talking about right now. What are you doing in Connecticut?" Addison explained.
"I'm here for you." he told her softly. "Because I'd rather be here and have you push me away than be across the country when you're looking for someone to hold you."
Addison sighed, closing her eyes for a few seconds to override a rush tears.
"You okay?" Derek asked softly.
Addison nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm going to bed. And to answer you question- you can sleep anywhere you want with anyone you want. I don't really care at this point."
"I'm going to go check on your father. He's really worrying me. I don't think I've ever seen anyone drink so much. I'll be back in a little while and I'll be here to hold you if you want it." he said before leaving the room.
Addison exhaled a deep breath before changing into a pair of Derek's clean boxers and one of his old college t-shirts. She got into bed beside her daughter and rubbed her eyes tiredly. That's when she felt her daughter snuggle up against her.
"I miss you, Mommy." the child whispered.
Addison sighed again, closing her eyes for a second. She could tell that she had become cold and unaffectionate like her own mother had been toward her, it was something she vowed she would never do and yet she could break away from the facade. "Go to sleep, Allegra."
"Are you okay? Daddy says you're hurt."
"Go to sleep." Addison repeated. "Allegra, we've got a really long day tomorrow and I don't have the energy to do this right now. Just go to sleep."
The next morning Addison walked down stairs in a pair of jeans and a dark sweater, her daughter perched on her hip in a pair of footsie pajamas. She stepped into the kitchen full of people and was quickly taken back.
"Morning." she said quietly, caught of guard with so many family members.
"Good morning, Addison." her aunt and uncles greeted her.
"Derek." Addison murmured, moving closer to him.
"Morning, honey." he replied with a quick peck of her lips before he took a sip of his coffee.
"Will you take her, please?" she asked, passing her daughter into Derek's arms. "She doesn't want to change out of her pajamas. I can't have her running around the house like this."
"Baby, you promised you'd be good for Mommy." Derek reminded his daughter softly.
"I need her to wear the outfit I put out on the bed." Addison told him. "She can't wear her red Toms, it needs to be the black shoes." she told Derek tiredly. "We're going to my mother's memorial service. She can't be in PJs and red Toms."
"I don't like the black shoes. They hurt." Allie told her mother for the thousandth time that morning.
"I think you'll survive in them for a few hours, Allegra. No one has ever died because of painful shoes." Addison assured her daughter coldly. "Trust me, I say this as a world renowned, double board certified physician and surgeon."
Allegra looked at her mother blankly. "Huh?"
"Addison, she's a child. She doesn't understand what's going on. Cut her some slack." Derek told his wife quietly so the rest of the occupants of the room wouldn't hear him.
"Why is Mommy being mean?" Allie whispered to her father curiously.
Ignoring the child's question, Addison glanced around the room then toward Derek. "Why didn't you come wake me if my whole family was down here?"
"I did. But you guys looked so comfortable. She was snuggled up against your chest and you had your arms around her holding her close. It was just adorable I didn't want to ruin it." he answered softly. "I took a picture though, it's now the background on my phone. You want to hold her for a sec? I'll show you."
"No, it's okay. You can show me later." she responded as her aunt approached her. "Hi." she gave the older woman a small smile.
"Hi, sweetheart." the woman greeted her. "How are you doing?"
"I'm okay." she answered honestly. "How are you doing?"
"As well as I can under the circumstances." the woman answered. "She was visiting you when the heart attack happened?"
Addison nodded. "Yeah, she was..."
"Heart attack? You told me it was an aortic aneurysm." Derek spoke up.
Addison turned back to him and swallowed. "Did I? I'm sorry. Heart attack, it was a heart attack. I got confused." she answered.
"Is this your daughter? Bizzy spoke about her all the time." her aunt asked.
Addison smiled at the little girl and nodded. "Yes, Aunt Sheila this is my daughter Allegra. Allie, this is my aunt. She's Bizzy's sister."
"Hi." Allie said quietly then nuzzled her head into Derek's shoulder.
"Derek, can you please take her upstairs and get her dressed. She's going to freeze like this."
Allie shook her head and hung onto Derek tightly. "I don't wanna wear that."
"Allie." Archer stood up from the table and walked toward his niece. "Have you ever seen real snow?"
"Uh-huh, Mommy and Daddy took me to see snow after Christmas." she whispered. "But Mommy didn't let me play cuz it was too cold and she said I wasn't dressed warm enough."
"You've never played in snow?" he gasped. "Well there is a lots of snow outside right now. Wanna go play with it?"
"Uh-huh!" Allie nodded, allowing Archer to lift her into his own arms.
"Uh oh, you're in PJs..." Archer muttered disapprovingly. "It's freezing out there. Let's go upstairs and get you all bundled up, honeybunch." he grinned at her. "I may have a brand new pair of Uggs for you. If you're anything like your mom, you should love shoes."
"Uggs!" Allie exclaimed.
"Like mother, like daughter." Archer said while glancing at Addison.
"Thank you, Archer." Addison said softly, letting out a heavy sigh as her daughter was taken from the room.
"Want coffee, honey?" Derek asked her.
Addison looked at Derek and considered his question before replying, "Does it have alcohol in it?"
"No. It's regular coffee." he replied.
"Forget it. I'll have orange juice..." she paused. "With vodka in it."
"It's 10 am, Addison."
Addison glanced at her husband. "Are you telingl me what I can and cannot do?"
"No, I just don't want you drinking on an empty stomach the morning of your mother's memorial service." he answered. "If you insist on drinking right now at least eat something first."
"He's right, dear, he's just looking out for you." Her aunt chimed in, sensing the tension between couple.
Addison glared at her husband and quietly sat at the table. "Would you like something to eat Ms. Montgomery?"
"No, thank you." Addison answered. She sat in silence with her family for a few minutes for the sake of being polite before excusing herself from the room.
"I'll go talk to her." her aunt volunteered.
"No, I should go." Derek countered.
"No offense, dear, but I think she needs to talk to someone else."
"Addison..." Sheila spoke up as worked her way through the snow to the area were Addison was sitting and staring aimlessly.
"I'm usually not this cold, you know." she told her aunt who sat next to her. "I know you've never seen me with Allegra but I've never been this cold toward my child and now I can't even control it. I'm bitter toward my husband and cold toward my child. I'm my mother all of a sudden. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I called her by her full name, she's always been Allie but now all of a sudden I need to use the full name."
"You are going through a hard time. We all understand that. Derek understands that."
"My daughter is too young to understand that."
"That is true but I think Derek is doing his best to comfort her while you can't."
Addison covered her face with her hands and sighed. "I told them not to come, I didn't want them to see my like this. I didn't want to put my kid through this. I swore I'd never be like her and now I'm her."
"They were not going to miss this, Addie. Your mother died, your husband would not let you face that alone." her aunt told her. "I know you're not this cold toward your daughter. Bizzy spoke about her all the time and she would say that she's grateful that you're a better mother than she ever was. I know that you're warm, and maternal and everything else a mother should be but you are not perfect. You're going through a lot right now, no one expects you to be acting like your usual self."
"Addie." Derek spoke up softly, holding a cup of coffee out to her. "I spiked it." he murmured.
"I'll leave you two alone. I'll go make sure Archer got Allegra into the outfit that you wanted her to wear."
Addison shook her head. "Can you just try to get her into the dress, please? The black shoes I want her to wear hurt her, that's why she doesn't want to wear them. She can wear the Uggs Archer got her, it's fine. Just not the red Toms, please."
Her aunt nodded her understanding before making her way back into the house. Derek replaced her spot on the couch beside Addison and handed her the warm mug. "You okay?" he asked her cautiously. He had never seen his wife acting the way she was and he wasn't sure what to expect.
"No, Derek, I'm not okay. I'm far from it." she answered honestly, taking a sip of the coffee and letting it burn her throat on the way down.
"And that's okay, Addie. You don't have to be perfectly composed all of the time. Your mother just died. It's okay to be hurt and upset and confused. It's okay to cry and depend on someone right now. That's what Allie and I are for. We're here to support you and help you through this and we can't do that if you keep us at arm's length."
"I need to do this, okay? I need to do this for my mother. She did not believe in showing weakness, she did not approve of crying in public and trust me, Derek, all I want to do at any given point in the day is cry so it's not easy. I can't let her down right now."
Derek sighed heavily. He always hated the fact that Addison was raise to show almost no emotion. She changed after marrying him. She learned that she was allowed to express her feelings and that she could depend on him to support her. He had never witnessed his wife as withdrawn as she was at that point. "I'm not asking you to openly sob in front of everyone, Addie. Don't cry if you don't want to. I'm just saying that if you feel like crying or screaming or punching someone, Allie and I are here..." he paused, reconsidered his words. "No, wait, please don't scream at or punch our child. That can be directed toward me. But you can cry in front of her. She's really good at making people feel better. She'll climb on top of you somehow and wipe tears away and hug you and say adorable things and you'll forget everything else. She really wants to help, Addie, stop pushing her away.
"If you guys want to help me so badly then you need to understand and accept that this is my way of dealing with this." Addison responded to her husband swiftly. "If you want to help then stop telling me what to feel and how to act."
"I'm just telling you because you're becoming your mother. You are treating our daughter like she treated you when you were a kid and you swore you'd never do that."
Addison sent a death glare in Derek's direction. She shook her head disbelievingly and got up from her spot beside him. "You're doing a really great job of supporting me through this, Derek. I really needed to hear the morning I'm supposed to give the eulogy at my mother's funeral." she said sarcastically before walking away from him.
Addison sat between her father and brother in the front pew during the funeral service. Derek considered sitting in the front with their daughter but thought better of it. He chose to sit one pew behind, directly in back of his wife. She had barely glanced at him since their conversation that morning and he didn't want to do anything else that would risk setting her off.
"I wanna sit with Mommy." Allie whispered to him halfway through the service.
"You can't sit with Mommy right now, buddy. Mommy is gonna give a speech in a few minutes. We don't want to bother her before it because she needs to concentrate and get ready for it." Derek whispered back to the child quietly so their conversation wouldn't disrupt those around them.
"But Mommy looks like she needs a hug." the little insisted.
"Maybe you can give Mommy a hug afterward, okay?" Derek promised, pressing a kiss to her little temple.
After an awkward eulogy and the conclusion of the service, Allie impatiently waited for her mother to step out of the building to run into her arms. As soon as she saw her mother walk out of the church with her grandfather and Uncle Archer, Allie dropped Derek's hand and took off running toward her mother fully expecting to be welcomed into open arms. Instead she crashed into Addison's legs and wrapped her arms tightly around them.
"Allegra." she started, eyeing the child carefully. "What have we told you about running off? Especially with so many people around. You know better."
"Addison, she ran 10 feet. Nothing was going to happen to her." Archer replied, rolling his eyes at her.
Derek stepped closer, kneeling down to pry the child away from Addison's legs. "She's been wanting to hug you since the service started. I held her back for as long as I could." he explained as he lifted the four year old into his arms.
"Sorry, Mommy." Allie whispered somberly. "I was just trying to help you feel better."
Addison could actually feel physical pain in her heart but couldn't drop the facade, not in front of everyone. She cleared her throat and looked at her father. "I'll go find the funeral director to find out what we're doing now." she murmured before walking away from them.
Archer watched her walk away then turned to see Allie's heartbroken little face."You're giving out hugs?" he asked with as much enthusiasm as was appropriate for the occasion. He held out his arms to his niece. "I could use a hug. I got lots of hugs today but they all sucked. You're the best at giving hugs." he told her and he lifted her out of Derek's arms. "By the way, the Uggs look great with your outfit. Much better than those stupid things your mom wanted to you wear."
Allie grinned at her uncle, almost as if she's forgotten the harsh incident with her mother. Sadly, the four year old had inherited the Montgomery genes and she was easily able to hide her sadness and confusion behind the charming smile she inherited from Derek.
The wake hosted at the Montgomery estate was long and awkward. Addison forced a smile on her face as she spoke to person after person, introducing Derek to those he had never met as if there was nothing going on between them. She held his hand and smiled, glanced at him during conversation as if nothing was wrong. But when it was just the two of them with no onlookers, she'd glare at him and pull away from his touch.
"You know, I could just go upstairs if you don't want me here with you." Derek whispered to her so no one would hear them.
"So that I can explain to everyone where my husband went and why he's not with me?" Addison answered. "No, I don't think so."
"Addison, you're furious with me. Why pretend? I hate that we have to pretend! You have that smile plastered on your face. You're making small talk to people you haven't seen in years, you haven't seen some of them in decades, you don't know most of them. Your mother died, you don't have to be polished and put together." Derek told her again.
"I'm furious with you because you keep saying that over and over again. This is my way of dealing with it. I told you not to come because I knew you wouldn't like. You came anyway, you brought our child with you so now you just have to deal with it." She was about to walk away but felt Derek grab her hand to stop her.
"Stop walking away from me, Addison. Our kid is actually afraid of you, you see that, right? She doesn't know what she did wrong, she thinks you're mad at her."
"I don't want to fight in front of all of these people."
"We're not fighting. I'm trying to talk to you."
The conversation ended there when Addison saw one of her mother's cousin's approaching her to express his condolences. All she had to do was glance at Derek and he knew to drop the conversation, put an arm around her waist and join in on her act.
"Honey, you look a little pale. Why don't we go outside for a few minutes so you can get some fresh air?" Derek asked his wife toward the ended of their conversation with her mother's relative. The conversation was awkward and endless and Derek knew Addison needed a reason to get away.
To his surprise, Addison nodded and excused herself away from the crowd and waited by the door for him to get their coats. As soon as she was out of the house, she took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "It's freezing out here." she said, seeing her hot breath in the cold air.
Derek nodded. "You forget what cold really feels like after being in LA long enough. It was gonna be 47 over night and we were convinced we'd freeze and here the high is 47."
"I kind of miss this. If you stand out here long enough you go numb and I really want to be numb right now."
"Are you okay?" Derek asked her in concern.
"I'm fine." Addison told him with an icy glance in his direction. " I just needed to get away from that guy. He just doesn't know when to stop. Never has and never will."
Derek nodded, he took a deep breath and stepped closer to her. "I'm sorry that I'm making this harder for you, Addie. I came here to support you, not to make it more difficult. So you just deal with it any way you want and I'll be right behind you the whole time, okay?" he asked softly, reaching his hand out to her cheek to caress it with his thumb. He fully expected her to pull away but she didn't so he leaned closer, bringing his lips to meet hers. "I love you." he reminded her as he pulled away just a little.
She looked up to meet his eyes and he could swear she was about to show emotion for the first time since her mother's death but she ended up pulling away from him. "I should get back inside. It's rude."
Derek nodded. "Right behind you." he told her, placing a hand on the small of her back as they walked back into the house. Almost as soon as they walked into the house they were met with a pair of Bizzy's friends who wanted to express their condolences.
Not long into the conversation they heard a bloodcurdling scream that stopped everyone in their tracks. Less than a second later came the crying. "Was that Allegra?" Addison asked unsurely.
"That was definitely Allegra. One of the maids was keeping an eye on the kids in the study. She probably fell. I'll go check on her. Will you be okay on your own for a few minutes, honey?" Derek asked her.
Addison nodded. "If she scraped something and got blood on her clothes or if they ripped or something, make sure to have her change." she reminded him.
Derek walked into the large study and saw numerous children frozen in their spots with Allegra sobbing hysterically on the floor. He moved toward her and knelt down beside her but did not get the warm welcome be expected.
"I don't want you. I want Mommy." His daughter told him between the tears.
"Allie, what happen?"
"I want my mommy!" the four year old yelled.
Derek reached toward her to wiped away a few tears from her cheek. "Mommy is busy with all the people in there. I can take care of you. I need you tell me what happen so I can help you."
"They were playing tag, I told them not to but they wouldn't listen. Allegra tripped on the rug and fell and hit her head on the bookshelf on her way down.
"You hit your head?"
"I want Mommy!"
"Okay, baby, we'll get Mommy for you but just let me take care of you until she gets to you, okay?" Derek all but begged the little girl. He received a nod before turning to the maid, "Can you please tell Addison that Allie needs her ASAP? She can meet us upstairs in her room. And we're gonna need an ice pack."
The maid nodded but didn't move as she watched Derek help Allie onto her feet while the tears still continued with no signs of stopping.
"I'm dizzy, Daddy.." she whispered, relying on her father to support her weight.
Derek made the move to lift his daughter into his arms to take her up to Addison's childhood room but she resisted, begging to be put down and left alone.
Meanwhile the maid finally located Addison in the crowd of over 120 people. "Ms. Montgomery" she started nervously, interrupting Addison conversation with a few of Bizzy's friends from various charities. She was relatively new to the household and was unsure of what would be the best way to refer to the woman and how she would feel about having her conversation interrupted.
Addison looked away from the group of woman, "Yes?" she asked.
"Your daughter fell. She and your husband are in the study, she won't let him move her."
"I'm sure my husband will be able to manage on his own. She's a kid, she falls all the time. He should have enough experience by now but thank you for letting me know."
"No, this not a scraped knee or a casual bump, Ms. Montomgery, Miss. Shepherd hit her head. I'm not sure what it is but your husband looked very concerned. He thinks she needs to get to a hospital ASAP."
Addison felt her heart rate increase just slightly as anxiety built up. She held her glass of scotch out to the maid and navigated through the crowd to get to the study. She saw her daughter on the ground with endless tears streaming down her face.
"I want Mommy." she heard her daughter whimper painfully between sobs. That's what it took to break her icy facade, she took a few steps to close the gap between her and her daughter.
"Allegra, I'm right here. Mommy's here, baby." she told the little girl softly as she knelt down beside her. "What happen?" she asked, turning to Derek for an answer.
"I changed my shoes, Mommy." Allegra pointed to the black patent leather shoes she was now wearing instead of the Uggs Archer had gotten for her. "I changed so you wouldn't be mad at me anymore"
"I wasn't mad at you, Allie" Addison told her daughter honestly and got a confused look in response.
"She was playing tag with the kids and these shoes really hurt her so so stumbled and fell and hit her head on the shelf on her way down. Her ankle seems a little swollen, might be a fracture, I don't know. I'm more worried about a head injury and the gash on her forehead. She couldn't stand, she says she's dizzy, blurry vision..."
"I don't wanna go to the hospibable!" Allegra yelled, the tears still streaming from her face.
"Allie..." Addison started softly, trying to meet her daughter's eyes but Allie was too busy staring down at her scraped shoes.. "Allie, look at me." she told the child and waited for her to meet her eyes.
"I'm getting blood on your dress from my boo-boo." Allie sobbed. "And I got a scratch my new shoes when I fell."
"It's okay, don't worry about your shoes or my dress." said softly, brushing her daughter's fly away hairs behind her ear. She knew her own mother would never go near a bleeding child in a 7,700 dollar dress but she realized that she was nothing like her mother. "Stop crying, honey. I need you to listen to me."
Allegra heaved a few shaky breaths, doing her best to put an end to her tears. She ended up throwing her arms around Addison's neck and pulling herself into her mother's arms. She felt Allegra nuzzle her head into her shoulder and smiled, it was something she always did when she sought comfort since she was an infant.
"Honey, we need to get you to the hospital. You hurt your head and we need to make sure you're okay." Addison explained to her daughter patiently.
"Will you come with me?" she asked her mother hopefully, sniffling at the end of her question.
Addison glanced at Derek unsurely.
"Mommy's gotta stay here, buddy, remember? All these people are here to see her and the Captain and Archer, and to pay their respects to Bizzy. She really can't leave."
"No, it's okay, I'll go with her." Addison decided, giving her daughter a smile.
They spent the rest of their day in the ER where Allegra was diagnosed with a minor concussion. Derek was relieved, he had seen much worse than minor concussions. He and Addison both knew that their daughter would make a full recovery in their care. That night Derek put Allegra to put while Addison spoke to the funeral director for the finals plans of the burial the following day. She was exhausted by the time she stepped into the room.
"Hi." she greeted softly. "How is she doing?"
"Hey." he replied. "She's doing alright. We just have to be sure to wake her up every 2 hours to make sure she's still okay. Ask her basic questions, check her pupils. If we notice a delay in answers or unreactive pupils then we need to rush her back to the hospital."
"Yeah, because the only thing missing from today is discovering my daughter actually has a cranial hemorrhage, not a minor concussion." Addison responded sarcastically.
"Addie, are you okay?" Derek asked, the concern obvious in his gentle tone.
"I'm fine." And she was tired of hearing that question and giving him the same answer over and over again.
"You're not fine." Derek told her knowingly. "Addie, I miss you. I miss you. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss that little sparkle you had in your eyes before this. I miss seeing emotion on your face. I know Susan told you that you don't have a poker face but she obviously never saw you like this. I can't read you if my life depended on it. I miss your real voice! You've got this monotone thing going on now, no emotion at all. It all scares me, Addie. I feel like you're doing all of this to hide something from me."
Addison made sure to break her eye contact with him. She turned around, facing her back to him. "Unzip me." she asked softly.
Derek reached for her zipper but the broken eye contact did not go unnoticed. "What are you hiding from me, Addie?"
"This is not about you, Derek."
"I never said it's about me. I'm worried about you right now and I don't want you keeping secrets from me. We're worked really hard to be open with one another and I don't want to turn back now."
Addison sighed, turning back to meet his eyes again.
He saw tears starting to form and was caught completely off guard. She had not cried once since the news of her mother's death. "Addie?" he asked hesitantly, moving closer to take her into his arms and comfort her. "I'm so sorry, honey, I didn't mean to make you cry."
"You're not going to judge me, right?" she asked
"Judge you?!" he repeated. "For crying?! Of course not! It's perfectly normal after the day you've had."
"Not for crying, for what I'm about to tell you." she corrected. She was not completely comfortable admitting the truth just yet but she knew that her family had to know and Derek was the only one she trusted to tell.
"I would never judge you." Derek promised.
Addison took a deep breath as she tried to formulate the right words to deliver the news. After a minute of silence she said, "It wasn't a stroke or an aneurysm or a heart attack or whatever else I said. It was...uh, it was suicide, she killed herself."
Derek's jaw dropped.
"I should have seen it coming. After Susan died she kept talking about how she had nothing left. She didn't know what to do without Susan. I told her that she always had me and that she could come stay with us, I told her that I love her and that I'd always be there to help her. Then I went back and she was dead."
"Do you think she knew she was going to do it when you were there?" he asked.
Addison nodded. "She was very adamant that I don't stay with her. She wanted to be alone. I thought she just needed to grieve on her own but now I think it was because she knew I would have prevented her from taking the pills"
"I'm so sorry, Addison."
"It's just such a..." she paused for a second to think of the right word, "It's a mindfuck that she knew she was going to die and she didn't tell me she loved me too after I said it. Just once, just so that I could have that moment after her death. I really meant that little to her."
"Honey, she was overcome with grief, she was suicidal, she was not thinking clearly."
Addison scoffed. "And she told me to make sure no one finds out and she requested that I give the eulogy, it's like one lie after another! She's dead and she's still torturing me."
"You shouldn't have kept this all inside to begin with." he told her softly, putting her arms back around her and placing a supportive kiss on her forehead. "No wonder you were acting like the ice queen of North America."
"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
"Of course not." he promised, giving her another soft kiss. "You should go take a hot shower to relax a little."
"I'd rather drink half a bottle of wine and forget this conversation and everything else about this weekend." Addison replied.
"I'd rather you stop drinking for today and settle on a shower. Your liver may never recover from this weekend." he told her teasingly. "If we did a blood test on your right now I'd really be surprise if we were to find a trace of blood in your scotch stream."
She chuckled lightly. "I'm actually going to listen to you just this once." Addison decided as she moved toward the bathroom. She suddenly stopped and turned back, "But I refuse to cry tomorrow, I don't want anyone else knowing what I feel right now."
Derek nodded, "Whatever it takes to get you through this."
The next morning Addison's stone cold facade was back to help her get through the burial. She stood between her father and brother as she watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. Despite her best efforts to control herself, Addison felt a tear roll down her cheek and she reached up to wipe it away, hopefully before anyone had the chance to see it. Captain glanced at his daughter and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"It's okay, sweetheart." He whispered reassuringly to Addison (who would always be his little girl no matter how old she was). He pressed a quick kiss to her temple and gently rubbed her back until the end of the service.
Two days later they were on a commercial first class flight back home. With one seat empty in Derek's two person row he offered to switch his daughter and sit beside Addison. That way she could comfortably lie down on the two seats and sleep through the flight. Allegra eagerly agreed, excited at the prospect of comfort and alternating between the aisle seat and the window seat as she pleases.
Two hours into the flight Derek put down his medical journal and glanced over at Addison who had been quietly staring out the window the whole time. "Addison..." he started off softly, reaching over the barrier between them to rest a hand on her leg. "You okay, honey? You've been really quiet."
She turned toward him and stared into his eyes for a few seconds. "Do you believe in heaven or hell?" she asked, feeling as though she should know the answer to that question.
Derek shrugged. "I don't know." he admitted. "I'd like to think that there is one. When we were little my mom had us all convinced that my dad is in heaven and that he could see us from there. It was comforting. Creepy but comforting. I'd like to think that there is a heaven and he is up there watching. I would have loved if he could have met you and our daughter. The thought that he's still somehow apart of our family comforts me so I guess I do believe in it."
Addison smiled at him. He felt like it had been an eternity since he had last seen her smile. "That sounds really sweet. I wonder where my mother would be..."
"Addison!" he scolded although he couldn't suppress a giggle.
"What?! It's a legitimate question. The woman was not exactly saintly. "
"Remember when she asked Sam's mom about slavery. I laughed about that for a week. It was the highlight of my year."
Addison chuckled at the memory. "The time she asked your mother if all poor people look that old for their age... That was like a double offense.
"Oh, god, remember the time she tried to change Allegra's diaper? That was hilarious. The diaper was on backwards and inside out."
"She got better, she learned how to change a diaper by the end of our visit."
"Yup, because everyone's first diaper changes is on their grandchild..." Derek added.
"She was really trying toward the end, Derek."
Derek glanced at her, realizing that he'd crossed a line. He figured they were sharing memories and telling stories, the boundary was easy to cross when it came to Bizzy. "I know, I'm sorry, honey, I know she was trying."
They settled into a period of silence.
"Addison, she's wherever you want her to be. Its up to you. You can choose to have her in heaven, looking down and beaming with pride at the person you've become. She had be in hell looking up and scorning you for your every move. She can be six feet under, no soul to carry on and watch anything. She's where you want her to be, okay?" he told her softly.
Addison nodded. "I love you, Derek." she whispered randomly. "I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you."
"You don't have to thank me, Addie. I'd never leave you to go through something like this alone." he replied and leaned closer to her to press a reassuring and gently kiss to her lips.
"I think Bizzy is in heaven." Addison murmured after a few seconds. "And I think she's looking down right now and rolling her eyes at how dramatic I'm being."
"I'm really sorry you lost your mom, Ad. Its not easy losing a parents. I was a kid when my dad died so I didn't really understand too much. I can only imagine how you feel." he offered solemnly, squeezing her hand as he spoke. "Are you going to be okay? It'll take time, I know, but if you want to isolate yourself a little to grieve I can take care of everything."
Addison shook her head. "I don't want to be isolated to grieve. I need you and Allegra to help me be okay."
Derek gave her an understanding nod and pressed another gentle kiss to her temple. "We're right here."
Can anyone guess when I started this one-shot? January 17, 2012. That was a very long time ago folks... Luckily it is FINALLY done and ready to post. Hope you guys like it. I think over a year and a half of work deserves a review, don't you? Please...