WARNING: Drug references, depression, anxiety, sexy thoughts ;), implied attempted suicide.

There you are. On the rooftop of Bart's, about to jump. I feel helpless because I just want to hold my hand out to you and help you away from the edge. But I can't. Tears start to burn in my eyes and you say your last words, "Goodbye, John." I call your name but it's no use. You're already falling and I have to sit and watch you plummet to your death.

And then, everything around me starts to crumble like an aging painting. The world fades to dust and I find myself gasping for air. I'm in the flat and you, you are here. Your hands on my shoulders as if you shook me awake. You're here. You aren't dead. It was all another nightmare.

"Are you alright?" you ask. But I don't answer. I just look at you, sit up, and wrap my arm around your waist to pull you close and hold you.

I can't stand these nightmares. They won't go away. Every night I watch you die over and over again like it's on replay constantly in my head.

You place your hand on top of my head, looking for an answer. "I'm fine." I say in a shaky breath.

You kneel beside my bed and look into my eyes. "This has been happening every night since I came back. Every night I wake you up because you are screaming for me in your sleep."

Idiot. This has been happening for three and a half years. Not just since you've been home. But back then nobody ever woke me up.

Every single night I've watched you die. I can feel myself going insane. You know I won't be okay if this continues. Of course. You're Sherlock Holmes. You know everything. Well, everything except one thing.

Because you see so much and yet you are so blind. You don't realize that I am completely in love with you. Because you were there when I was alone, you filled the gap in my life, and you took my limp away.

And even though I hate you for making me go through what I did for three whole years thinking you dead, I could never kick you out. You mean too much to me.

I need you like I need oxygen. You are a drug so addicting that I would die just to be able to touch you. You are the living embodiment of cocaine and I have all the symptoms.

You tire me out sometimes, you made me go from happy to angry in less than one second, you give me a rush that I crave, and no matter what I do, I can't quit. I'm addicted.

"When was the last time you slept for a full night?" you ask with worry in your voice. I look down at the floor, following each crevice between the wood planks with my eyes. It's been three and a half years since I slept through the night without a nightmare. Which would obviously explain the weight loss and weakened immune system.

"A while." is all I say. When I look up at you, I can tell you know exactly when I last slept through the night. You stand up. "Insomnia." you say with a plain voice.

Wow. Even I knew I had insomnia. What an amazing deduction. Bravo, captain obvious. God! Sometimes you are a bloody annoying git!

"If you don't mind I'd like to run a few experiments on you starting tomorrow morning."

"What kind of experiments?" Please don't say blood sample, please don't say blood sample. "I'll need a blood sample." DAMN! "And I'll need to ask you questions every night before you go to bed if that's alright."

"Anything you want." I answer.

You leave the room but leave the door open. I can hear you go downstairs and rummage through some cupboards. I hear you filling a glass with water. When you come back you have a glass of water and a small blue pill.

"Take this." You hand me the water and the pill. "What is it?" I ask

"Just some Halcion. Surely you've heard of it. It helps you sleep and decreases the amount of times you wake up during the night. Although you may feel a bit drowsy in the morning but that's just a side effect."

"Why do you have this?"

"I had insomnia while I was gone those three years. It helps." you smile down at me.

I pop the pill in my mouth and swallow it down with water. God I hope this helps.

I hand you back the glass and smile "Thank you."

"Goodnight" You say walking out and shutting the door behind you.

I sleep. But I'm restless. Even a bloody sleeping pill doesn't even help me sleep that well.

When I wake up it's around 11:00 in the morning. That's a lot later than I usually wake up. But it's fine today. I have nothing important to do. I'm surprised you didn't wake me up right away.

When I go downstairs you're sitting at the laptop, just staring at the screen. Probably reading an email or something. "Good morning" I say

You look up and smirk. "I trust you slept well?"

I sigh and go to the kettle to pour some tea for myself. "You need a blood sample right?"

"I took that from you when you were asleep." Doesn't surprise me. I rather I didn't have to be awake for that anyway. I may be a doctor but I hate needles with a firy passion.

"But since I didn't ask questions last night i'm going to ask them now. Come sit." I do. I sit right next to you. Of course I have my tea. I can't tolerate people if I can't have my tea. Not even you.

"Alright first question, Are you stressed?"

"no."

"Second question, If you have nightmares how many do you have per night?"

"At least three or four a night."

"And how long has this been going on for?"

"Three and a half years obviously. Sherlock, you know all this stuff."

"Do I though? You say you aren't stressed out but clearly you are. Don't lie to me, John you must be forgetting who I am and what I can do. But this isn't going to work if you aren't honest with me so, why are you stressed out?"

I stand up. I've already had enough. "Nothing. Just forget it"

"No tell me now." You stand up as well.

"It's nothing."

"Stop trying to lie to me god damn it!"

"Fine! Okay! I'm stressed because I don't want you to leave again! I don't want you to actually die and make me think that maybe you faked it but in the end i'm just left waiting for you to return but you never do! I don't want to have to lose you!"

You don't say anything. You stare at me for a minute and then back at the laptop screen. "I think we're done for right now" you say snapping the laptop shut. You take your laptop to your room and lock the door behind you. You're upset. About what though? Did I say something to offend you? Please don't be like this. Come out. Please. I'm sorry.