A/N: Just a sweet little JAM one-shot in between updates of Vegas Vacation. I felt like I owed it to my wonderful readers, who have been incredibly despite my lack of JAM-ness. Written from Pam's perspective, this one-shot features lyrics from the song "Free" by Michelle Fragar (not copyrighted). I highly recommend listening to the song while reading; it enhances the experience. You can find the song for free listening at /michellefragarmusic
Enjoy!
"When you're looking at me, I am Free
Pam loved Jim.
It was a startling revelation, she knew. Not really; her loving him was the most natural thing in the world. It... it was like breathing. Granted, she didn't need Jim to sustain her like air, but caring for him, longing for him... it had become as much a part of her as her own heartbeat.
Yet she never dared to ask herself why it was so easy to love him. Why it felt so right... why she felt complete the moment she gave him her heart.
It was a question she dared not ponder in his presence, simply because she feared whatever answer she might conclude would do to her composure. It was a beautiful, exquisite sense of dread that she fully meant to satisfy.
And she meant to satisfy it here, by the Susquehanna River.
Yes, a two hour drive to go soul-searching. Pam recognized the ridiculousness, but she always loved the sight of the river. She and her mother often drove to the Isle of Q and sat by the peaceful water, listening to its murmured hum with attentive hearts. Even the silent houses of the Isle seemed to tell a story, till all their voices became as a second lullaby to her.
It was there that Pam learned to love nature, and there that she was inspired to become the artist she still longed to be.
And here, Pam sat, paper pad and drawing pencil in hand, gazing over the dancing river that glimmered just before her. Here, she allowed herself to ask the question:
Why, oh, why did she love Jim? What made it so simple? It had never been easy with Roy; why was it so uncomplicated with Jim? Not just uncomplicated... but so right. She could search the world over, but would always be confident that nothing and no one in the world would make her feel complete...
Except him.
As if in response to her heart's questions, her hand began to move upon the paper freely, almost as if it were separate from her entirely. She let it flow, exploring the unmarked paper, leaving behind bold lines that soon began to take the shape of a left hand. It was clearly that of a male, and it made Pam smile.
She loved Jim's hands. He had beautiful hands. They were warm and tender, yet rough and strong. Exactly how a man's hands should be. She loved the way it felt when he took hold of her by the waist, when his fingers entwined with hers. She adored how gently he cupped her face when he was about to kiss her deeply, and how he tenderly touched her slender neck as he played with her curls. It was just one of the many wonderful, sensual, irresistible parts of Jim.
So, she decided the picture would be Jim's hand. It already looked like it, but a few finishing touches needed to be made; she knew Jim's hands almost as well as her own. She finished soon, and took a critical look at her art. No, it was not quite done. Pictures of hands alone often struck her as sinister, and just one drawn hand was downright creepy.
Pam quickly amended the situation by drawing a second hand to accompany the other. The second was of slender proportions, and was pressed prayer-like against the first, palm for palm, fingertip for fingertip.
She smiled as she finished and observed again. Yes, two hands: Jim's...
... And her own.
Still... the art -stunning though it was, she admitted- spoke nothing to her of the why, only the who. She still did not know why she craved his love just as much -if not more- than his touch. She still did not understand...
Again, her hand began to work, echoing what her heart had been whispering in elegant cursive surrounding the hands.
I climbed a mountain to the sky
Where days and weeks just passed me by
And who'd have thought I'd be here with you
Up in the cold and open air
I may be weak, I may be strong
I may be right, I could be wrong
But one thing that I know is true
I found myself when I found you
When you look at me
You see all the things I wish I could be
When you're looking at me
I am free
I took a walk the other day
And thought of words that I could say
You make me so I don't want to leave
You make it so that I believe
The tide comes in the tide goes out
And I no longer fear or doubt
And there you stand on the other side
Of what seems like a great divide
So many voices to be heard
But all I hear is one sweet word
From your lips, you say to me
"Because of you, I am free"
That was it. It was all so clear now.
She loved Jim... because he found her beautiful. She loved Jim because he believed in her, because he believed she could do anything she set her mind to. She loved Jim because he loved her endlessly and unconditionally...
But most of all, she loved Jim because he'd taught her to believe. He'd shown her beauty... he'd taught her how to believe in herself.
Jim... Jim had set her free.
That was the answer. It was the answer... to everything.