I lost my leg like I lost my way
So no loose ends
Nothing to see me down
How are we going to work this out?
Dreams aren't bad, I had turned back
I love the girl
But God only knows it's
Getting hard to see the sun coming through
I love you...
But what are we going to do?
Picture I'm a dreamer
I'll take you deeper
Down to the sleepy glow
Time is a low..
Don't you know?
What are we going to do?
When you go back
All the second selfless days
You're in love with him
I want to see you again
I love you...
But what are we going to do?
~ Every Planet We Reach Is Dead - Gorillaz
Every early morning. Every sleepless night. Every time he walks in with a drunken stupor or holds his head cringing with a migraine. Every time he carried me into my room from the carpark. Every time he cooed a soft "Noodal..." while tucking me in at night and kissing me on my forehead. Every time he looked at me and gave me his wide gaped grin and left the scent of butterscotch delight and fags lingering in my room. I have loved him, he hadn't known, and he will never know.
Every time he walked in from the pouring rain outside of Kong and his ever changing shades of blue locks clung to his forehead. Every time he yelped in fear or even bled from the pain from being around Murdoc. Every time his long fingers drifted across keyboards and melodicas. Every time he lit a new death stick and blew the poisonous smoke from his swollen lips. I have loved him, he hadn't known, and he will never know.
Every time he cried on my shoulder from a broken heart. Every time he opened his mouth to sing a joyful tune to distract him from him depressive states of mind. Every word that hung from every sentence and every time he couldn't get the words out. Every night he'd held me from a nightmare and every night I comforted him from his. Every gentle embrace and soft look from his blackened eyes that covered up his pain. I have loved him, he hadn't known, and he will never know.
I have loved him for 10 years and I could love him 10,000 more.
He will never love me back.
I'll always be his "little Noodle".
I'll always be his best friend and his sister.
He couldn't love me even if he tried.
He couldn't even love me if I told him how I felt.
It's all said and done now and it's far too late.
I could feel for him all I want to and I could never compare.
Not to the ones he's loved.
Not to the ones he will love.
Not to anyone.
I could get down on my knees right now and beg and he still couldn't feel the same.
Who knew a childhood crush could make you so delusional?
Who knew I'd wait this long?
Maybe I had that gut feeling...
once I was legal things could change...
but I didn't realise he wouldn't change.
His feelings wouldn't change for me.
I'll always be his baby sister.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
Even after all those nights he rambled about how much he loved me.
Even if he meant as a sister, it doesn't mean I didn't try to hope it was so much more.
Even after I'd taken care of his wounds and watched him bleed and sob.
All because he wanted Murdoc's approval so badly for so fucking long.
All because he couldn't realise it wasn't worth it...
and every time he'd cry because he didn't feel good enough...
and every time I cried too because I knew he was too good.
Some days I'd look at him and I'd hope to see something.
Some sort of spark or entity saying we'll be together.
Telling me everything will be fine and it'll all work out.
Knowing it'll never work.
We'll never work.
Here I am right now.
Sitting across from him about to spill my feelings.
Looking foolish.
This feeling won't go away.
It feels like death.
It feels like every time we had a concert and he'd pick someone new up.
It feels like every time they got back to his room and I could always hear every moan, every whimper, every whisper, and every emotion being drained out of him by complete strangers all for a night of satisfaction.
It feels like endless crying and pain I'd feel and how nobody even once noticed how hurt I actually was.
Nobody dared to ask how I felt when I'd see whoever he brought home.
No one cared about my feelings when he'd do it all again.
No one even noticed that I cried for days on end when I found out he had kids.
I'd watch him take so many pills he'd pass out or be dull for hours on end.
I'd been through just as many hospital visits with him as I'd been through gigs with him.
I knew he had a drug problem...and I loved him through every moment of it.
I knew more about him than he knew about himself.
I cared about him more than he cared about himself...
but it all doesn't matter now.
It's all just based on emotions.
It's all nicely wrapped illusions and false dreams.
I've survived so many more serious things and I'd never needed anyone...
yet I've never felt so goddamn hopeless.
I'd been gone in hell and I was told many times that Stuart would never love me.
They say demons are liars, but the sad part is sometimes it's the truth.
Sometimes that person doesn't love you...and they never will.
I have loved him, he hadn't known, and he will never know.
2D snapped in front of Noodle's face.
"So, now that I've told you my big news about my new girlfriend, what did you want to say to me Noodle?"
She gave him a light melancholy smile and tears filled up her eyes.
"Noodal...why are yew cryin' love?"
She shook her head.
"No reason, I'm so happy for you Toochi...and...I wanted to say that I missed you."
He smiled a foolish smile, for he had fully believed what she'd said.