Somehow it feels like I'm missing an integral part of the typical high school experience. Not that persona and different dimensions are a typical part of high school but, ugh, why is it everyone acts like the high school romance is something perfect?
I know I'm like a guy. Before the midnight channel I could kick their butts on any given Sunday to the super meat dimension and now thanks to the midnight channel and shadows I know I could kill them if I so desired. Except The Guys of course, though when I'm trapped in my mind and my body attacks them, I can tell I more than take the wind from their chests. Yukiko and Naoto don't do that.
They know the extent of my toughness. I can tell by the way they treat me compared to Yukiko. She's almost babied by them constantly. They know I'm always going to be fine, a quick spell or two and I'm running back into the fray. But Yukiko requires a tenderness, a "Are you okay? Here, take this, I'll cover you!"
Whereas me, I get the same treatment they give each other. Just once, I'd like to get the same treatment as Yukiko. But if they did, I'm not sure I could react well to it. It would be weird. I'd try to cast Petra on them or shove some medicines down their throats. Truthfully though, I want to baby Yukiko too. I'm simultaneously jealous and a part of the problem. She is my best friend, my closest confident. I'd do anything for her. I love her with all my soul. I know mo matter what happens in my life, she will be by my side. Even now, as I see her slip under Yu's spell, a part of me is jealous and fearful. Is this bad?
I can't say exactly why I feel this way. I should be happy for her. Every time she and Yu are together my chest tightens to the point of pain. I used to be the only one to touch her like that. Is this jealousy because I like her more than a friend? We're so close I can't tell if this is love of romance or love of sisters. We've always been together Sometimes we hold hand and walk together like lovers, we hug, we sleep in the same bed, we take baths together, all of this, I know every nook and cranny of hers. It's like, when we walk together, I feel at peace with the world. I'm calm and relaxed, happy and complacent. This could go on forever and I would be satisfied with my life. Is this romantic love? Or the emotions of a lifetime of being close? The one thing I do know is that I love her more than mere friendship can define.
Thing is, Yukiko makes me question myself about things like this. My sexuality. It's like Kanji when we first saved him from his shadow, but I don't get a "Surprise! Gender Switch Happy Ending!" like he does. I know it's not something widely accepted or normal, these feelings I have. However, it's not that I don't like guys either.
It's just, when you're a girl like me, one that's one of the guys, a dudebro, rough and tumble martial arts otaku, you can't confess feelings freely. If I did, I'd lose a great friendship to the abyss of awkward. And I'm not sure if they see me like a girl. The closest is Yu, but he's like that with everyone. It's scary, in fact, how he's able to see inside you and identify and heal the emotional scars. To that end, I'm glad if I lost Yukiko to someone, it is him. But if I liked him, would he see me as a woman? Does anyone see me as a woman? Thunderstorms and bugs are quite creepy thank you very much. Isn't that girly?
On the other side of the spectrum, Yosuke. I have a feeling that he understands how I feel too, except his mirrored feelings are towards Yu. Every time we try to talk though, it ends up in an argument. Not that it matters, free steak for me! Just once it would be nice to talk together. He's nice to be around. He takes the abuse and listens to me, yet he also keeps us on task. Yu may have the final say, but more often than not Yosuke is the one suggesting the options Yu has to choose from. I'm disappointed there hasn't been an opportunity to tell him this. Really though, can he not do something to piss me off? Even when it's something like a hug, I can feel him taking advantage. He is a boy after all, I should know better.
And he is the second person that treats me like a girl sometimes. But instead of Yu, who I feel is more friendship, sometimes I feel like there could be more between us. If I gave him a chance and bit my tongue one time, would it open something up and let me be seen as a woman? I think he would. All I have to do is give him a chance. Easier said than done. Impulsive and thinkers do not mix.
He could teach me that though, how to think about things before acting. Sixteen isn't an age to be set in ways. I can still learn and adapt. Being with Yosuke would make me a better person, I believe. I can't tell him that. I can't let him know I may want to give a date a chance, just the two of us, going out and doing couple things.
Because I could be wrong. This could all be in my head and the moment I open my mouth is the moment I lose Yosuke forever. I'd be the girl that liked him even though he didn't like me. He may not be completely over Saki's death yet. It's hard to tell. He masks his feelings with a smile, and is adept at keeping his true feelings locked inside. I'm sad I didn't get to witness his battle with his shadow like Yu did. Perhaps that is what makes the two so close.
Things can't continue like this forever, in limbo between feelings. Right now I don't have the strength to go one way or another. The costs are too great. I can't lose Yukiko. I can't lose Yosuke. Whichever these feelings of mine that are of love and romance, must stay locked away. Having them by my side is better than not having them by my side.