Now, Never

I tried calling her in the first months following the end of the war. Rung her up three times a day every single day.

She never picked up.

So eventually...I stopped. I knew she was there, sitting at home in District Twelve. Notwithstanding the court order confining her there, where else would she be but home?

When I learned that Mrs. Everdeen had settled in District Four, I knew she was never going back. So instead, I started calling Greasy Sae. I figured she'd care enough about Katniss to check up on her. If not for Katniss, then at least for me. She's yet to turn me down, after all.

Unsurprisingly, she tells me the new government's put her on a roll to look after the Mockingjay. Although knowing her, she's likely do it anyway for free.

Greasy Sae says that she makes sure Katniss eats. Obviously, she's not okay if someone has to actually make her eat. Seam kids are not the type to ignore food.

I ask if she still hunts.

"She hasn't done anything since she came."

It's a simple question for others, like Greasy Sae. But for me, it means much, much more. Because hunting was us. Hunting meant just the two of us. Alone in the woods. Spending time together. Protecting each other and our families. Taking down game, gathering fruits, and swimming in the lake. Having fun and being the kids that we were. Hunting was our thing.

That she's given up hunting hurt me deeper than I could've ever imagined. Because I still hunt. Just so I can imagine her with me. So I can remember everything that passed between us. Just us and no one else.

She's gone. I've lost her.

But I was so hoping she would come back to me.

One day, Greasy Sae calls me.

"She's back, I think."

Why? What's happened?

"She's gone hunting."

For the first time in a long time, I feel a heart in my chest.

"She asked about you, you know. Where you'd gone."

What did you tell her?

"You're in District Two with a fancy job. That's the truth, isn't it?"

Well...yeah. What did she say then?

"Nothing. Just looked...thoughtful."

Thoughtful? Well, thanks anyway, Greasy Sae. Can I call you back? My fancy job's calling me.

We hang up.

The calls between us get frequent from then on. Greasy Sae updates me on Katniss, although because Katniss shows signs of recovery, Greasy Sae sees her less and less.

On what was supposed to be her last day as Katniss' nurse on the government payroll, she calls me. Of course I understand that Katniss is now eighteen. She doesn't need as much supervision as before, so I do understand that I'll get less updates from Greasy Sae. Yes, yes, of course I understand. I thank her for everything and promise a gift for her and her little granddaughter now that I'm earning quite a sum from my fancy job. Just as I was about to end the call, she sneaks in some last minute advice.

"Just call her. See for yourself. Quickly, before everything else happens."

She hangs up without further explanation. We haven't talked since.

Quickly, before everything else happens.

I mull things over for about a week. I know I have a lot of courage to summon. One, two months pass.

One Sunday, I call her up. Her telephone rings.

First ring. I don't think this is a good idea.

Second ring. She might not be home.

Third ring. Probably still out hunting.

Fourth ring. That's it. I'm hanging up.

"Hello?"

My breath hitches in my throat. Not because someone picked up, but because the voice sounded male.

Somewhere in the background I hear Katniss ask him who was calling. "I dunno. Can't hear anything."

Peeta.

He tries again. "I'm sorry, who is calling?"

Every ounce of courage I thought I had withers with each second of this call.

I hear Peeta address Katniss, sounding thoroughly confused. "The phone rang. Real or not real?"

"Real." She answers. "Oh, just hang up now, Peeta. It did ring. Four times." That is the gentlest I've ever heard her speak to anyone, including Prim.

Prim. Lovely, thirteen-year-old Prim. Dressed in flames. Girl on fire. Dead.

I think of her and all my resolve disintegrates.

I had no right to call. There is no way I could ever squirm my way back into Katniss' life. Greasy Sae's advice came too late. Everything else had happened.

Our telephones hang up at the same time.

There was a time when I was so sure that I had her. That she'd chosen me. That she was mine, and I hers. Because anything else was unimaginable.

That was long ago. Things change. Everything else happens.

In another time, another place, maybe. But now, never.