Rating: R
Summary: It's just another HP parody, except with lots of hidden innuendos, sexual tension, and will possibly cause you to laugh out loud. Just so you know, this story does contain SLASH.
Warnings: Slash (later chapters, none now), lots of swearing, drugs, snogging.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no harm done, no money made. All characters are owned by the great JKR. Except, of course, for the sinsemilla. That is all mine and belongs to me and roughly half a billion other people on Earth…

A Boy and His Bird

Chapter 1. Drains Don't Go Well With Feet

"Oh no!"

"What?!"

"It's stuck.."

[Pause]

"Why is it stuck?"

"…I rammed it in there…"

"God, how hard did you push Harry?"

"Very hard…"

"Obviously."

"Can you help me get it out? It would look a little awkward if I left it in there."

"Ewww, no. I'm not touching it!"

"But Ron, you touch yours every day? What's the difference between mine and yours?"

"Yours is thicker, and it's stuck."

"But I need it for later! Please help Ron! I can't leave it in there!"

"No."

"Oh come on… Here, you just grab the base and I'll pull from the top. Alright?"

"No."

"Fine then, I'll just ask Hermione to help…"

"She'd wonder why we're naked."

"Then we'll just put a towel on or something."

[Pause]

"You can't leave it in there."

"Bloody hell Ron! I know that! Now will you just help me pull the fucking thing out?!"

"It's your fault it's in there in the first place."

"Excuse me? It's my fault now? You're the one who bloody told me to ram it up there!"

"Yes but I never told you to get it stuck, now did I?"

"I'm never helping you ever again."

"Alright with me."

"Ro-o-on! Please just help me? I'm stuck…"

"Argh! Fine, fine! I'll help you… Here grab my hand and I'll help you pull yourself out."

"Ok."

"Ready?"

"Wait, hold on… I have to position myself… Yup, ready."

"Alright… One… Two… THREE!"

[POP]

"Ahhh… That feels so good…"

"Why is it all purple?"

"I think the drain was cutting off my blood supply."

"Your feet have a blood supply?"

"Yes, didn't you ever learn in scho… Never mind…"

[Fierce pounding on the bathroom door]

"Who's there?" Harry called looking up from his foot.

"It's me, Hermione! What's taking you guys so long?"

"Ron saw a spider go down the drain and… Um… We'll be out in a second!" Harry said as he tried to stand up on his un-stuck foot, but fell.

"Alright!" Hermione called and then all was silent.

"Er, sorry mate… I didn't think your foot would get stuck…" Ron said cheerfully ashamed as he gave Harry his hand to help him up.

"Thanks… I bloody swear I will never try to kill a spider that runs down a drain ever again." Harry said glumly as Ron helped him off of the tiled floor, "Ugh, it hurts like hell."

"I would think so. It's not everyday your foot gets stuck in a shower drain." Ron said cheerfully as he helped Harry out of the shower stall.

"Oh shut the fuck up Ron! Don't you know how stupid you seemed back there?! Don't you realize how much of an imbecile everyone makes you out to be?!"

"What are you talking about, Harry?" Ron said cheerfully staring at him in shock.

"Oh... sorry… I didn't mean for that small outburst of my inner most frustrations." Harry said sheepishly as he started putting on his boxers, "I hope I didn't scare you…"

"Nope." Ron said cheerfully reassuring as he finished buttoning his shirt.

"It's just that…" Harry paused and then sat on a bench with his face in his hands, "After Sirius died I behaved so perfectly and [sniff] I never tried to kill myself or anything! It was so [sniff] much of a surprise that I didn't turn into a psychotic freak after everything that has happened to me… I'm still sane and well [sniffle] I guess it has just been taking its toll on my feelings…"

"Oh, that's alright mate. I understand." Ron said cheerfully as he sat beside Harry and wrapped his arm around Harry's shoulders.

"No! It's not alright!" Harry yelled as tears steamed down his face, "I should have killed myself long-long ago…"

"Stop blaming yourself Harry… Only three people have died for you- your wonderful and loving parents and you loving, brave, and handsome Godfather Sirius…"

"Four… Four people died- you forgot Cedric."

"Forget him. He was only missed because he makes Cho Chang cry and he was seductively handsome." Ron cheerfully said as he helped Harry up towards the door.

"Gee Ron, I never knew you cared about him like that."

"I don't, I'm just trying to point out the obvious while managing to comfort you." Ron said cheerfully smiling as he held open the door for Harry.

"Oh…" Harry mumbled as he walked up the steps to the boy's dormitory.

"Why are you going up there, mate? Why not to the common room?" Ron said cheerfully confused as he watched Harry.

"Um…" Harry said slowly, "Well because I am only wearing my boxer shorts and you [points to Ron] are only wearing a shirt."

"Oh! Fancy that!" Ron said cheerfully surprised as he ran up the stairs after Harry.

After Harry and Ron were fully dressed they walked [and in Ron's case skipped] down the stairs to meet the impatient Hermione.

"Uh oh… It looks like she's in a bad mood." Ron said cheerfully alarmed.

"Don't worry Ron, it's only PMS." snickered Harry as Hermione caught sight of them.

"What have you two been doing for 45 minutes?" Hermione said scathingly with her arms crossed, "And please don't tell me it is the norm for you to spend 45 minutes in the shower, Harry." Hermione added as Harry opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it instead.

"Well… Harry got stuck and I had to help pull him out and then we went upstairs to get fully clothed." Ron said cheerfully scared.

"Why were the two of you naked?" Hermione said, narrowing her eyes.

"Harry got stuck." said Ron cheerfully. "Ron screamed." said Harry.

"Riiiight…" Hermione said sarcastically as she walked toward the portrait exit, "Come on you two, or else we'll be late for Potions and get points taken off Gryffindor."

"We'll get points taken off anyway." Harry said rolling his eyes as he followed Hermione, "Snape can't stop paying attention to me, so he spots every little thing I do that he doesn't like, and so I get points taken away."

"Then stop doing things wrong and try and be perfect like Me." smiled Hermione brightly.

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

"Ron, we weren't talking to you." Hermione said raising an eyebrow.

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the Potions class [late] Snape's voice cut across the tense silence, "Ah speck all of yer homewawk assignments is done an' sittin' on mah desk. Shet mah mouth!"

The trio tried to slip past him unnoticed, but failed as he spotted Harry, "Mr. Potter! Fry mah hide! Whut in tarnation is yo' doin' a-comin' in ten minutes late? Twenty points off of Gryffindo'! Fry mah hide! Now set down befo'e ah take t'other ten off."

"Yes sir…" the trio murmured as they took their seats and waited for the lesson to begin.

"Why is Snape talking like a redneck?" Harry mumbled to Hermione.

"Because this is part of some sick fantasy the author has written." she muttered back, careful to not let Snape hear her.

"But a redneck?" Harry whispered un-amused.

"Yes." Hermione whisperedly shot back, "Now I suggest you shut up before the author hears you!"

"I don't care if the author hears me! Snape should not be talking like this!" Harry whisperedly yelled.

"Well, it's better then pig-Latin." Hermione whispered, rolling her eyes.

"Hmmm… True true." Harry whispered, nodding.

"Today we will be studyin' th' fine art of makin' immobile serum." Snape sneered at Harry as he walked in between the three rows of desks, "It is mighty difficult an' tedious t'prodooce. At the dawgoned-est this hyar entire class will only be able t'make one gallon of th' liquid. Does ennyone knows th' three main rightties of this hyar poshun?"

Hermione's hand shot into the air, which wasn't very surprising.

Snape glanced at her, and curled his lip in hatred, "Ennyone else…? Mr. Ma'foy, kin yo' answer th' quesshun?"

"Yes." Draco Malfoy seductively snickered at the trio and continued, "The three main properties of the immobile serum are sinsemilla, esperma, and the white root of a hacter plant."

"Good job Mr. Ma'foy. Twenty points t'Slytherin fo' th' sexy blonde who has advanced smarts in Poshuns!" Snape said glaring at all of the Gryffindors before continuing, "Now ah's settin' yo' all in pairs of three."

"Argh! You just know I'm going to get stuck with Malfoy and the one of his goons…" Harry mumbled as he slid further down in his chair.

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

"Ugh, I know Harry…" Hermione said rolling her eyes, "And I will be stuck with Mr. happy face and Malfoy's other minion, too…"

"Ok." Ron said smiling cheerfully.

"Just our luck, huh Mione?" Harry said grinning as Snape started calling out the group names.

Sure enough Harry was stuck in a group with the alluring Draco Malfoy and one of his gorilla-like minions- Crabbe. Hermione was stuck with Ron and Goyle.

Crabbe plopped on Harry's left and Draco provocatively slid into the seat on Harry's right.

"Befo'e we all start ah need one fella fum etch group t'foller me into this hyar back room so we kin colleck one of our mo'e…" Snape paused and rubbed his chin, "Easier t'git in'redients."

"Crabbe, how about you follow Snape and I stay here with…" Draco said smiling attractively at Harry, "Him."

"Yes mastew king of the good fucks siw." Crabbe said bowing; kissing Draco's provocatively outstretched foot and walking toward Snape.

"Why does he sound like Elmer Fudd?" Harry said looking confusingly at the mouth-watering angel named Draco Malfoy.

"Who's Elmer Fudd?" Draco paused suggestively.

"Never mind." Harry said as Crabbe returned looking quite flushed.

"Do you have a fever, minion?" Draco said as he raised an alluring sculpted eyebrow and flashed his perfect teeth.

"No mastew." Crabbe said as he kissed Draco's captivating foot once again and sat down. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask filled with a creamy white liquid.

"What is that?" Harry said leaning down to look at the flask.

"My spewm." Crabbe said blushing.

"Wha!?" Harry yelped and jumped away from the flask.

"Esperma means sperm, Potter." Draco said rolling his eyes provocatively.

"Oh…" Harry said blushing as he sat back in his chair, "Wonderful…"

"Crabbe, fetch the other ingredients now." Draco sighed attractively and peered at the flask, "You do know what sinsemilla is, right?"

"No…" Harry said quizzically.

"I suggest you look it up…"

"Oh…?"

"No, not you! I mean our readers…"

"Oh, I see…" Harry said trying to avoid the seductively penetrating stare of the platinum sex god.

Draco seductively started to lean towards Harry. Harry's eyes flew open as he felt Draco's hot breath on his cheek. They were mere inches apart when-

"I have the ingwedients mastew." Crabbe said as Harry flinched and Draco seductively sat back in his chair. Crabbe kissed Draco's provocatively outstretched foot again, and plopped down in his chair.

On their table was the flask filled with Crabbe's sperm, a almost transparent white root, and a dry, shredded green/brown mix of flowers, stems, seeds, and leaves. Crabbe opened his Potions book and read the directions. He then started to carefully cut the root up into pieces no wider then half an inch. Harry pulled out his cauldron and placed it on the table while Draco started to sexually empty the ingredients into the cauldron. The whole process lasted maybe five minutes, and then the group was done and they waited for the rest of the class to finish.

"Is yo' all done emppyin' th' in'redients into yer cauldrons?" Sanpe asked as a few students shook their heads, which he ignored, "This hyar poshun is mighty delicut. Yo' muss stir it clockwise three full turns, an' then wait fo' me t'tell yo' whut t'do next."

Harry watched as Crabbe slowly followed Snape's directions.

"Do you know what this potion does to you?" Draco said seductively.

"No, of course not." Harry said, "I am a hopeless wreck when it comes to Potions, so why would you think I would know what this does? You seem to know everything because you are such a suck-up, so go ahead, and tell me. What does this crap do?"

"Fair enough." Draco smiled sensually, "If you take a drop of the stuff it will render you unconscious for three minutes. You will then start to mildly hallucinate after you wake up, and fall into an almost warm feeling of utter happiness. This lasts approximately one hour for each drop you take. When the effect begins to wear off you may get a headache and feel very hungry."

"That sort of sounds familiar…" Harry said as he tried to think of where he had heard of something like that before, but came up empty handed. It sounded vaguely familiar, though…

"I'm sure it does…" Draco winked suggestively before continuing, "This serum is considered illegal in many parts of the wizarding world. It can actually only be brewed legally in the dungeon of Hogwarts or outside in the middle of the lake."

"How would you get in the middle of the lake and make this?" Harry said.

"By boat."

"I didn't know Hogwarts has boats!"

"They don't, Potter."

"Oh…?"

Snape continued to instruct the students on how to properly brew the serum, "An' eff'n enny of yo' screw this hyar up yo''ll haf Dumbledo'e t'answer to." he added in the middle of his instructions before continuing.

"Why is this illegal?" Harry asked as he watched Crabbe robotically stir the ingredients.

"Because of the risks it may have on your body." Draco alluringly replied.

"Like…?" Harry said trying to urge him to continue.

"It increases the risks of a heart attack and it clots your lungs with magical residue." Draco said as Harry almost moaned at the site of his luscious lips moving.

"I thought we have spells for that sort of stuff." Harry said.

"For the heart attacks yes, for the residue no." Draco invitingly paused before continuing, "It can also cause memory lapses, distortion in thinking, and loss of coordination."

"That sounds an awful lot like Neville Longbottom." Harry said.

"Yes it does, doesn't it?" Draco winked charmingly and then continued, "There are also long term consequences. But who cares about those, huh?"

"Heh, yes… Who cares…?" Harry sighed as he watched Draco.

Snape continued instructing them on the proper way to brew the serum until class was over. He told them as they were leaving that next week each group would have to sample the potion. Their homework was to write a detailed essay on the making of this serum.

"Wasn't that so much fun!" Hermione giggled as they made there way out of the classroom.

"I liked the part where Snape took us in the back room and--" Ron said cheerfully horny before he was cut off.

"—Ok Ron! Enough about that!" Hermione said slamming her hand over his mouth, "Really, we don't want to hear…"

"Mmmfay." Ron mumbled cheerfully with Hermione's hand still over his mouth.

"Arrgh!" Hermione screamed as she whipped her hand off of Ron's mouth and started to furiously wipe it on her robes.

"What is it?" Harry said quizzically.

"He licked me!" Hermione yelled while unconscious in a state of extreme hormonal shock.

"Why'd you lick her, Ron?" Harry said turning to him.

"It tasted good." Ron said cheerfully horny.

"Ugh, what are we going to do with her now?" Harry said rather annoyed, "She's unconscious in a state of extreme hormonal shock and is lying right in the middle of the hall."

"Let's drag her into that broom closet over there and I can try and wake her up." Ron cheerfully suggested.

"Fine with me." Harry said as he took hold of one of her feet and Ron grabbed the other.

They both managed to drag her into a closet, and then Ron slammed the door shut after he ran in. Harry heard the door's lock being clicked shut, but he didn't stay around any longer. Feeling bored he trudged up the Grand Staircase to Gryffindor tower. Harry was in front of the portrait when the fat lady spoke.

"Ahyay, osay it'syay youay, youay umbday uckfay. Iyay uggestsay youay etgay youray uglyyay arscay emovedray omedaysay... Iyay onderway owhay anymay eadersray avehay iguredfay outyay atwhay isthay ayssay... Ahyay ellway, ivegay emay ethay asswordpay youay ocksuckercay andyay onay oneyay etsgay urthay." she said looking quite dignified.

"Hmmm… pig latin…" Harry thought, "There may be more of this later on… I better learn how to understand [ahem… read] it…"

Just when Harry was about to answer an arm shot out from a conveniently-never-been-there-before-closet, and dragged him in.

"I'fe-a beee veeeting a lung teeme-a fur thees." they said, their voice dripping with sexual tension.

"Waiting for what?" Harry said as he felt a pair of hands slide under his shirt.

A/N: This is the result of me being bored and getting ideas I would most likely have never used. I am putting all of my insane ideas in one story, obviously this one. I can possibly try and write a character how you want me to, so go on, ask and you may receive XD Oh yes, and just in case any of you are reading any of my other stories, there is no way in hell I am going to stop writing them just because of this story. I could never do that to you guys (and girls)!

I will most likely continue this, even if I get all flames, I'll continue. So basically if you flame this, there is no point as I will just write some more. Reviews would be quite nice, ya know… [HINT HINT]