AN: A little one-shot based on this week's episode, 'Choke'. Thank you very much reviews, and for reading.
I know he holds her hand beneath the table at lunch. I can't actually see it, the clasp of his large fingers in her dainty ones, but I see his shoulder shift and the way she fights to stop her muscles twitch into a smile. Emma doesn't think public displays of affection are appropriate for work; I heard her whisper it by the sink one day when he stood behind her to wash his mug. He dropped a quick kiss to her neck when he thought no one was watching. She blushed, and Will looked excitedly frustrated. No, she doesn't think it's appropriate, but she loves him. And their hands linked beneath the table, that's the only secret they have. What a beautiful secret it is.
Will suggests a double date, and Emma tilts her head, red curls swaying as she stares at her fiancée, starry-eyed and delighted. Will waits for my nod of approval.
"Great", he says. "Let us know when you're both free. The only thing Emma and I have on this week is a trip to the children's hospital on Thursday night." Emma bites her lip, and breaks into a smile. She begins to babble on about how wonderful Will is with the kids, how they adore him. "Good practice for one day," he winks at her, and I see his shoulder tense. He's squeezing her hand beneath the table. All I can think is that the elastic of my socks is too tight around my calves. I shouldn't have put the wet laundry in the dryer. It's already only a matter of time before Cooter discovers that there's a pale pink stain on his blue collared shirt, and now the sleeves on that same shirt have shrunk. And time, that I'm running out of.
I go home and mention that Will suggested a double date this week. Cooter's face lights up at the idea, and it's the first genuine smile I've seen all week. He gets along with Will, and I know he likes Emma. I think he likes Emma too much.
We meet Emma and Will in the car park of Breadstix. Cooter and I are late, and Will and Emma are parked, waiting. At a distance, it looks like they've been having a serious discussion, and for a moment I think they're fighting. It makes me feel good; I can't help it. When we get closer, what I'd thought was anger and regret is actually swollen lips, flushed skin, and a happily-bothered looking Will. My contacts were irritating me all day, so I removed them earlier, but I'm almost certain that I can make out a very fine layer of sweat on Emma's chest. She looks guilty, and when we exchange hellos and make out way towards the restaurant, I watch in my peripheral vision as they hang back for a moment. Emma reaches up and quickly swipes her thumb over her fiancé's bottom lip, removing her lipstick from his flesh. They quickly catch up to us.
The click of her heels is loud and seductive. Cooter turns around to smile her way, and, oblivious, Emma returns the smile. Will's so kind and in love that he's also blind to my husband's leering. Emma's wearing a skirt similar to the ones she wears to school, but this one is black and her heels are higher. Her legs are longer. Her hair is completely straightened, and the red tips reach the top of small, perfect breasts. Her sleeveless blouse is a dark purple colour, and I imagine what the satin would feel like beneath fingertips. I wonder what it feels like against skin. It's May, so she isn't wearing a cardigan; the skin of her upper arms is flawless, and it looks baby soft. I wonder if she lets Will touch her. I think I'm underdressed.
Will rests his hand on the small of Emma's back as we enter the restaurant. Cooter walks by my side. We take a booth in the back. Emma sits next to Will, and I slide in next to my husband. Emma and Will still look guilty, but as Cooter begins to rave about Emma's fabulous pamphlets, the tension between the couple eases. I think they're forgetting about their adventure in the car park.
We talk about sports for awhile, and Emma's nothing less than polite as she asks questions. I think Will senses her boredom. He looks her way lovingly, and begins talking about Finn, the boy's potential. Cooter's interested and agrees with everything Will says about Finn. Finn is regularly a topic of conversation at home, but Cooter's never interested. I can't take it. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, just as Cooter orders a third beer. Our meal hasn't yet arrived.
Emma says she'll join me. Will slides out of the booth when Cooter does, and I watch as Will's hand falls from beneath the table. This time, Emma and Will weren't holding hands. I know his palm has been resting on her thigh for the last ten minutes.
When we enter the bathroom, Emma looks like she has something she wants to say. She appears pensive, worried. I'm nervous myself. I reapply my lipstick, the red bright and telling: I'm strong, kind, and lovely. I repeat the mantra in my head as I see Emma's reflection in the mirror. She's standing behind me, gorgeous and alluring. She's sexy, and even though I'm married and straight, I'm attracted to her. I understand why Will is always desperate to have his fiancée. There's something about her that radiates sex, and I wish I had it.
"Shannon?" she asks as she bites her lip.
"Yeah, sweet pea?"
"I have to ask you something personal."
"Sure…" I wonder how personal this will be. I wonder if I can tell the truth.
"Now that you're married, has anything changed?"
"Of course." And it has. In so many ways. She's asking for herself, though, and although I don't know what will happen to Emma behind closed doors, I don't think she'll ever experience marriage the way that it treats me.
"What I mean is…umm…" she clears her throat. "When I'm married, do you think Will will still want me? You know…after sex."
They haven't had sex. That must be why he wants her so badly. When they're married, it will be like this for her, too.
"Don't be silly, Em. Will's crazy about you. It's going to be that way for a long time." Even as I say the words, I know it's true. If I were married to Emma, I know I'd want her for a long time after the honeymoon. My instinct to protect her from harm is pointless. Will is in love with her, and I don't think he'd ever hurt her. If he did, I know she'd leave. She's strong, however anxious. And if she left him, someone else would love her. Even before Cooter and I were married, I had my doubts about him. I wanted someone to love me. She's had that from three different men. She picked the right one, because she had a choice.
After dinner, we leave the restaurant. Will takes Emma's hand in his, and he's so gentle with her that it brings tears to my eyes. When Emma asks if I'm okay, I tell her my contacts are bugging me. But I'm not wearing any. She's gentle with him, too, the way she traces circles over his wrist with the pad of her thumb as he tells us about the time Kurt saved the football team from meltdown. They share a look when Will laughs about the crowd going wild, cheering, hugging. I wonder if they were in love back then.
They aren't obnoxious with their loving display. In fact, it's barely noticeable. They could just be close friends. But my senses are on overdrive. I'm comparing everything to my own relationship, and nothing comes close.
We say goodbye to Emma and Will.
When we get home, Cooter falls asleep on the couch. I turn off the lights and make my way to our bedroom. I'm alone. I'm thankful. I change into my pyjamas, and in the process, decide to rearrange my pyjama drawer. Then my sock drawer. Then my underwear drawer. I think about Emma's underwear draw. While mine is overflowing with nude cotton, I imagine dark lace and colourful satin that Emma has colour-coded in rows. I wonder if Will's seen it, what he likes. I wonder what she likes…
My phone rings. Sue.
"Hi, Miss Trunchbull," she dead pans. "I realise you're probably busy guarding your chokee, but I just thought I'd let you know that I caught Will and Elvis trying to conceive a bastard child in the car park of Breadstix tonight. My unborn baby threw up, and Curly wasn't even at second base. I'd hate to think what witnessing third base would have done to my foetus."
I'm quiet.
"Ginger told me that they were making their way home from a double date with you and Chris Brown..."
All I can think is that they're still there in the car park. They're so crazy about each other that they couldn't wait to get home to touch each other, to pleasure each other. They have that 'got-to-have-you-now' thing going on. They're in love. Why don't I feel that way?
"John Goodman, did you lie to me?" Sue roars.
I don't have a sister.
"Sue, do you mind if I come over?" I hear myself croak. "Do you mind if I stay over? For a while?"
There's a long pause until Sue finally speaks.
"Esmeralda!" Sue bellows. She shouts something in Spanish to her maid. I flinch when the crackle of a megaphone screeches in the phone line. "You're sleeping in the pool house from now on, Latina," she screams into the megaphone.
I reach for my suitcase. I'm taking my nude coloured underwear with me, and the lipstick's coming along, too.
Soon, I'll be myself again.