Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim either, or any of these characters. All bow to the mighty Jhonen Vasquez!
Any and all constructive criticism gratefully accepted.
If you are offended by the complete, utter, and total absence of romance, slash, etc. then DO NOT read this! You have been warned.
I have researched this subject, but intentionally left out some important stuff. Bottom line:
DO NOT TRY THIS YOURSELVES!!!
Dib Believes in Ghosts
Chapter One: Afternoon
It was a beautiful Indian summer morning in early October, and the kids in Dib's classroom were finding it harder and harder to listen to Ms. Bitters's dreary lesson about how doomed they all were. The sunshine streaming in through the windows made the classroom even more dismal. The kids's wistful stares out the window grew longer and longer, until finally Ms. Bitters set down her pointer and said she had a special surprise for them.
"Class, I was going to keep this for later on, but as it's such a nice day outside right now, you may all go..." announced Ms. Bitters, with a dramatic pause for maximum effect, "to the LIBRARY!"
Oh boy, the library! Dib thought automatically. The other kids just looked disappointed, but only for a moment. A trip to the library at least offered a few minutes' escape from this wretched class. They soon found they had to wait a few minutes more in the hall as Ms. Bitters and the librarian argued until someone finally surrendered.
The class filed in and split up, with the girls drifting in one general direction, the boys in another. After looking around briefly to get his bearings, Dib headed straight for the bookcase bearing the sign "Parapsychology" a word none of his classmates could even pronounce. To his dismay, most of the books in this tiny section he'd already read somewhere else.
Dib nevertheless continued his search right to the back of the shelf. Suddenly he yelped with excitement, grabbed a slim volume, and stared at the title in delighted wonderment. "How to Conduct a Seance." Dib had wondered if a How To book on this subject even existed!
This was the only book he'd want, which was just as well, because Ms. Bitters was sticking to all three of her conditions: because this was Grade One, the librarian was to check out only one book per pupil, to give them only one minute to choose it, and to stiffly fine any kid who didn't bring his or her book back after only one day.
After lunch, as the other children ran and played around the skoolyard, Dib sat alone under a tree, reading aloud as usual, and as usual, nobody came by. Dib didn't mind; he was totally absorbed by the world of the book. Despite his feverish intensity, he was taking careful note of all the instructions on how to encourage a ghost to approach close enough for an actual conversation. Dib could hardly wait to try it.
When the buzzer ordered the children to file back inside the skool, Dib placed a leaf between the pages to serve as a bookmark and reluctantly stood up to join the line.
"Hey, what's that you got?" yelled a bigger kid. "You don't have to read out here!"
Dib only grinned; if he said anything he would surely burst. Everyone who sat in on his seance would find this a day to remember! Dib would introduce a ghost to all his classmates! Finally he could prove he wasn't crazy, that ghosts actually do exist, and when the kids got to meet their their first real live, uh, real dead ghost, well! They'd all want to be his friends then! Okay, maybe the whole class wouldn't be interested, but if even half the kids took him up on his offer, that should still be plenty.
Back in the classroom the kids continued to chatter as Ms. Bitters readied the lesson plan for the afternoon, "How to Scare the Wits out of Kids and Bore them Senseless at the Same Time."
Giddy with anticipation, Dib took a deep breath and stood on his chair, facing the largest knot of his classmates. He cleared his throat and blurted, "Hey, everybody!" A couple of disinterested faces turned briefly in his direction, then turned right back to their conversations.
"Hey, everybody!" Dib said again, louder this time and raising his seance book. He got no response at all now.
"Everybody!" Dib yelled, waving his arms. A couple of faces turned and this time continued to watch him suspiciously. Oh well, it was a start.
"Wanna to do something really fun after skool?" Dib opened his invitation.
"Watch me beat you up again?" suggested Torque Smackey, to some laughter.
"No," Dib continued anyway. "We can have a seance!"
"A say-aunts? What's a say-aunts?" asked Keef.
With that one question, Dib was confident he had the entire classroom in the palm of his hand. "It's a way to summon spirits! All we need to do is find a round table and light a candle, and sit around the table holding hands and - "
"Ewww, Dib wants to play Spin the Bottle!" Sara interrupted snidely.
"No, that's not it either," sighed Dib, just a little dismayed. Couldn't people ever, just once, think about something else besides hitting and kissing? "... and we sit around the table chanting and holding hands until- "
"I knew it!" Sara sniffed. "AS! IF!!"
Dib tried one last appeal. He opened his book to its most spectacular illustration; beaming, he held it up so the entire class could see. It was a two page spread showing a huge glowing ghost looming over a shadowy table surrounded by astonished people in Victorian clothes holding hands around a skull-shaped candle. If this didn't win them over, nothing would!
"Look what that crazy Dib's doing now!" snarled someone. Immediately Dib had the full attention of every kid in the room.
Dib ran with the rising interest. "Look, see this?" Still holding up the open book, he turned from side to side so everyone could see the picture, a better advertisement for his project than he could have wished for. "Want to meet a ghost? This book tells us how! It's real easy, all we do is - " Dib got no further before every last one of his classmates raced over to stand before his chair. I knew it! was Dib's first joyous reaction. This got them! It's bound to work with this many, I'll get to see my -
But it wasn't quite the response Dib thought it was. First one, then all the children were chanting in a derisive sing-song, "Dib believes in gho - osts! Dib believes in gho - osts! Dib believes in-" through mounting waves of hysterical laughter.
Stung, Dib slowly lowered his book. As the chant continued, rulers, sharpeners, and paper balls began pelting him. Dib hastily looked around for space to step down from the chair but the children hemmed him in all the tighter. They began taking turns yanking on his trench coat, rocking him from side to side. "Dib believes in gho - osts! Dib believes in gho - osts!"
"Quit it!" Dib gasped, throwing out his arms to maintain his balance. As he did so, his grip on the book slipped and in the next second someone swatted it away. Shrieking with laugher by now, the children began tossing Dib's book back and forth just out of his reach. "Stop! Give it back!"
Ms. Bitters finally noticed the commotion. "Dib! Stop teasing the other children!" She slid like a viper through the throng and snatched up the seance book where it had fallen. "If you can't use your book any better than that, it is DOOMED!" She dumped Dib's precious book into a desk drawer which she locked with obvious relish, ignoring Dib's pleas that he hadn't wanted that to happen and hadn't even finished reading the book.
The children dispersed, their laughter dissolving into triumphant, self-satisfied chuckles. "Dib's crazy anyway," was the general consensus. As Dib sank miserably to the seat of his chair, one final wad of paper struck the back of his head. "It's hard to miss a head that big!" came the inevitable jibe, followed by a final burst of guffaws.
Swallowing hard, Dib rummaged in his backpack for the following class's textbook. How could anybody not be interested in something so - well, so interesting? Dib clenched his teeth, his mouth shaking, as he sat upright in his seat, bracing for more.
Openly mocking glances caught Dib's eye as the afternoon wore on. It didn't help when Ms. Bitters chose him to stand in front of the class to deliver a lengthy reading. From time to time a sly whisper of "BOO!" would provoke an outburst of frenzied giggling, at which Ms. Bitters would yell at Dib for making a serious piece sound funny. Tapping her hand with the pointer, she ordered him to read it again... and again... until he decided to stop clowning around.
Dib struggled to force the words past the growing lump in his throat, and lifted the book to hide his face; behind his glasses, the tears were steadily building. Dib didn't dare blink too hard lest they spill over. He couldn't dare risk having that happen, not after what happened last time.
Once safely home, Dib headed straight for his room, not even heading to the kitchen first for a snack or a microwave dinner the way he usually did right after skool. No sooner had his own door clicked shut behind him than Dib found himself crying, crying uncontrollably, crying away the frustration and the rage of this horrible, endless afternoon.
Finally hunger drove Dib to the kitchen, where he found something appetizing in the freezer. As the microwave timer counted down, he considered his options. Dib clearly recalled the book's recommendation that no fewer than three people attend a seance; a multiple of three had been the ideal. Although the pool of potential participants had been reduced drastically, he could still suggest it to his father and Gaz, who with himself would make the required trio.
The book had also advised against holding seances at your own house in case the ghost decided not to leave... as if that would be a bad thing, thought Dib.