Author's Note: This short piece is kind of riding on the back of my first story, Parallel Bars. Canderous had become quite a sounding board for Elriel on the Hawk and it inspired me to let him take his agony aunt skills further! If there are any references anybody doesn't understand then read Parallel Bars.
Nar Shaddaa Gazette
Editorial
It has been a very exciting week for us here at the Nar Shadaa Gazette with the arrival of our long-awaited guest writer, Mr Canderous Ordo! Having recently concluded the book tour in conjunction with his latest self-help bestseller, Canderous is generously offering his services to you, our readers, for a limited time. If you have a problem and you need a solution, put it on a datapad and send it in to Canderous Cares, c/o Nar Shaddaa Gazette. Turn to page 32 for the first exciting instalment…
Canderous Cares
Dear Canderous,
Please help. I seem to be cursed by terrible luck with women. Quite some time ago now I married a wonderful woman but tragically she died when the Sith bombed Telos and I wasn't there in time to save her. A few years later I met this amazing woman who I helped save the galaxy with. I fell madly in love with her, despite some revelations about her slightly sordid past. Unfortunately, she went off on some ill-advised solo mission to rid the galaxy of evil and never returned. I'm pretty sure she's dead too. I hope so, at least. That sounds bad but it's only that if she isn't dead then she's traded me in for a younger pilot, which would piss me right off. Anyway, another gorgeous woman, not unlike the second, has come into my life and I'd really like to get something going with her. The problem is that I'm a little paranoid by nature and I just don't know if I can trust that she too won't come to a tragic end. I mean, I'm not going to stay this gorgeous forever so I really have to grab the bantha by the horns soon. What do you suggest?
Tormented in Telos
Well, Tormented, it really does look as though women are dying to get away from you, quite literally! Are you sure both these past loves are actually dead though? It's very possible that they faked their own deaths in order to avoid an awkward conversation. Either way, this suggests to me a sexual problem. You are clearly so lousy in bed that your partners are either allowing themselves to be killed or staging elaborate death scenes to get shot of you. I would suggest you pick up a copy of my bestseller, 'How to Make a Woman Scream Herself Hoarse', before you make any moves on this new lady in your life. If that doesn't do the trick, nothing will. Having said that, your references to being "gorgeous" and saving the galaxy lead me to believe you may be somewhat delusional. Do you have a picture of me stuck on your mirror or something? If so, take it off, have a good look at yourself and come back to live in the real world with the rest of us.
Dear Canderous,
I am struggling with an unusual problem. I have an ever increasing loathing for pilots which I just can't seem to shake. I believe it stems from the fact that the only two women I have ever loved (beautiful Jedi specimens) both spurned my affections and ran off with pilots. I've been trying to be a good person for such a long time now but this flyboy hatred is really setting me back. It's got to the stage that I can't even be in the same room with one of the arrogant, sleazy, womanizing space-hoppers without wanting to spill his entrails on the floor and dance a Tarisian Polka all over them. I'm sure this is not healthy. Any suggestions?
Irritated Iridorian
I certainly do have a couple of suggestions, Irritated. The first is by far the most simple solution. If you have a recurring pattern of being attracted to women who are hot for pilots then why not become a pilot? If you can't spill their entrails, join 'em! That may not, however, solve the problem. You say your two loves were beautiful Jedis, and we all know how delectable those babes can be. It could be that you're punching a bit above your weight. Next time you have an itch needing scratched, try a Gammorrean chick. They're not at all fussy. Lastly, if it's just the case that your wooing techniques leave a bit to be desired, I'd get yourself a copy of my prize-winning publication, 'Get Your Coat NOW, bitch!….And Other Great Pick-Up Lines'.
Dear Canderous,
I am so ashamed of myself. I am a fallen woman! I used to pride myself on my morals and had my feet firmly on the path of the light side. I think I may even have mildly irritated my companions from time to time when pointing out their flaws, in comparison to my unattainable perfection. This perfection, however, appeared to go unnoticed by some. On my last mission from the Jedi Council, the only desirable man in my party ended up falling for another female companion, NOT ME! This was bad enough but what made matters worse was that the companion in question was the former Dark Lord of the Sith! How could this happen?
Speaking of the Sith, along the way I was captured by Darth Malak (before his demise, obviously). I had always prided myself on my resistance to the dark side of the Force but, I am humiliated to admit, he turned me in about five minutes. It wasn't really my fault! He tortured me for a bit which I found strangely…exciting, and there was just something about him I found quite sexy. He told me if I came to the dark side I'd have men queuing at the door. What could I do? Thankfully my aforementioned female companion turned me back towards the light and all ended well. It did cause me a good deal of shame and embarrassment though. So much so that I ended up getting drunk and spending the night with a most uncouth and inappropriate man. I have fallen so far down from the pedestal I put myself on. What can I do?
Joyless Jedi
Methinks the lady doth protest too much – though a lady she ain't. If that is who I think it is then I would say this: quit whining you filthy little Jedi minx! You loved every minute of it. I didn't know you'd enjoyed Malak's torture so much though, which is a shame. This tells me that you have something of an S&M inclination. My advice to you is to get off your high horse, grab yourself some chains and a gag and get yourself over to Nar Shaddaa pronto! I'll be waiting.
Dear Canderous,
When are you coming home next? You're always off on book tours and what not and I never get to see you. Last time you said you were coming to visit I had your favourite Ronto pie all ready and you didn't show up. If you won't come to us, perhaps your father and I will come to Nar Shaddaa to see you. I hope you are being a good boy and not gambling or hanging around with women of dubious morals. You'll see the back of my hand if you are, young man! See you soon.
P.S I've knitted a nice warm jumper for you so I'll bring that with me when we visit.
MUM! I've told you not to contact me at work! Don't come and visit! I mean, I'm not going to be here for very long. Thank you for knitting the jumper. Just send it to me via the Gazette. No, I'm not gambling or fraternizing with loose women. DON'T COME HERE!
Your loving son, Canderous.
Canderous' Thoughts for the Week
If this week's pathetic losers are anything to go by, I can only say that real men are hard to find these days. It's just as well I've taken to devoting my time to helping you clueless wimps or where would you be? As our penultimate letter clearly indicates, women love a b**t*rd, which is perfectly illustrated in my excellent book, 'Women Love a B**t*rd'. All you nancy boys should pick one up. Available at all good stores for 50 credits. This is Canderous signing off for this week. Keep your letters coming, deadbeats. Remember, I'm here if you want something done right.
Author's Note: Review at will, but also, if any readers have any problems they'd like to PM me, I can forward them on to Candy-man for you and put them in a following chapter ;)