Hey all,

I wanted to post this little story that has been sitting on the Hard Drive for over a month. It was going to be a one shot wonder, but it's too big and so will most likely be two chapters now. I am snowed under at work and home but wanted to get this on-line. It may be a little rough round the edges but hopefully will make for a good read. Enjoy

Andy

Lister opened his tired eyes and looked across the same old grey sleeping quarters he had occupied for the last 90 years. His eyes settled on his guitar resting against the wall next to Rimmers space rock collection. He looked longingly at it wanting to pluck at those cords and make them sing as only he could once more. He dropped his gaze those days had long since gone. He had been in bed for nearly two months now and this time it was not out of choice. His body was giving up, it had said to him, look mate, enough is enough. Lister knew he didn't have long left.

Rimmer bounced into the room, his hologramatic form the same as ever a rather ordinary 37 ish. Unlike Lister Rimmers hologram program had not aged him one bit. The hologram was quite capable of simulating age, but Rimmer had asked Holly long ago to ensure that option was removed from his program.

"Arhh Lister there you are, I'm glad I've found you." Beamed Rimmer.

Lister sighed. "Smeg off Rimmer you know I've been here for the last 2 months, and you can cut all that chirpy crap out."

Rimmer came as close as he dared to the bed ridden Lister and smiled at him. "I've got some news. Something I think me laddo that will make your day." Finished Rimmer smugly.

Lister looked up at Rimmers stupid grin and thought, what was it this time, had he'd found another tin of curry powder, a planet with the face of hammy the hamster or maybe something he could actually use. Like a new body or a time machine. Not having the strength to go into such detail with Rimmer he simply said. "What is it?"

Rimmers smile broadened. "Well Listy according to Holly that worm hole thingy we slipped through last week has propelled us across the universe."

"So?"

"So Lister we are no only 2 clicks away from Fiji." Smiled Rimmer.

The pain in his chest weakened and Lister for a moment allowed himself to wallow in his fantasy. "Fiji, what my Fiji?"

"The very one, Holly recons we will be in orbit in about two hours and Kryten and I thought you might like to take a trip down to the surface."

Lister was only half listening, he was dreaming. In his minds eye he saw sheep, pigs and horses all wading around the shallows, and on the wooden fence he saw her. He saw his girl, Kristen Kochanski. Lister sighed. "Kriss."

Rimmer heard the name and tutted. "Come on Listy you're not still pining for her are you?"

"She was going to be me girl, I had a plan Rimmer."

Rimmer turned around and walked over to the table where he picked at the magazines. "Yes you did didn't you. I recall something about breading pigs and sheep, and stuff."

Lister heaved his body up a little with great effort. "Well I've not got me girl, but I can still do it Rimmer, I can still do it."

Rimmer turned to see the poor state that Lister was in, he almost pitied him. Almost because Lister was still technically alive and he wasn't and how the smeg Lister had reached 90 years old was a miracle. The last years had been hard on Lister and while Rimmer remained youthful in his hardlight Lister was forever getting weaker and older. Rimmer approached his bunkmate and without trying he spoke sounding very condescending. "Listy, Listy just look at you. You are in no fit state to farm. In fact you are in no fit state to go anywhere. What were we thinking."

Lister looked up his eyes pleading with Rimmer.

"OK OK, I'll talk to Kryten." Said Rimmer turning towards the door only to see Kryten strut through the entrance.

"Morning sirs, lovely day isn't it?"

Lister flopped back down onto the bed, all strength from the news now gone. "Smeg off, Kryten not you to."

Rimmer mimicked someone who was clearly about to croak it to Kryten nodded in understanding.

"Come now sir, there is no need for such talk, hasn't Mr Rimmer told you the wonderful news?"

"Yeah, but he's right it's all too late. I'm washed up Kryten. My goose has flown the nest."

Kryten interrupted him. "I believe that's my goose has got my gander sir."

Lister began to pull the bed covers over his head. "Whatever man, I am in not smegging state to go planet hopping."

"Not so sir, I think I have the answer to your problem."

Lister peaked out from under the cover. "and?"

Kryten held out a small remote in front of him. "Well, while I was on that two week tour of the lower rear bulk head I found something that might help."

From the corridor a series of loud foot steps could be hear approaching. The pair watched as Kryten manoeuvred a large metal suite through the door way. "It's a lifter suit sir, you just need to sit in the frame and I'll do the driving, or you can drive it with this tinie tiny box."

Lister removed the bed cover and eyed the grey, green suit, a smile crept over his wrinkled face. "Let's suit up and go find me a sheep!"

Cot pit, Starbug – inner orbit around Fiji.

The Cat is at the controls sniffing the air. "Hey something smells bad around here. Have you changed your oil again Kryten?"

"No sir, I think you're experiencing a miss smelling." Said Kryten looking awkward.

"Nope there is something new in here, what is it? I can't put my finger on it but I have definitely smelt it before."

Lister inside his metal suit thumbed into the entrance of the cot pit. Seeing him the Cat smiles in realisation. "Oh yeah, now I remember its monkey boy."

"Alright Cat back out of Statis again are you?" said Lister seeing his friend at the controls.

Cat slicked back his thick black hair. "Dam right baby, this body is to good to waste on time buddy, I plan to be around forever."

Lister didn't respond he was now staring at the view screen showing a mass of blue with patches of darker areas.

Rimmer looked up from his console. "Oxygen normal. Land mass mostly water. No change there then Listy. Oh no wait there is a something in the south sector. I suggest we head there. Cat sector 4.2 latitude 329, got it?"

The Cat screwed his face up at the request "Sector what?"

Rimmer sighed. "Down a bit and over there by that big grey blob, OK?"

"OK goalpost head whatever you say, but only because it's be nice to monkey day. What with him about to snuff it and all."

"Just take us down will you." Snapped Rimmer.

Starbug doors hissed open and the light from the twin stars that now orbited Fiji washed over Listers face. He breathed in the fresh air and sighed. "Look out Fiji, the smeggers coming home."

Behind him the Cat jostled for position. "Hey let me out, let me out."

Listers assisted by the metal hydraulics stepped down onto the brown dusty surface.

He was soon joined by the others has they looked around the dry hill top on which Starbug had parked. A little away to the right they spotted what looked like a terraforming dome.

"Hey guys, lets check that place out." Wheezed Lister.

"Sir I must inform you that there are no life signs on this planet. There will be nobody home." Informed Kryten.

"I don't care, can't a dieing man do a spot of last minute scavenging."

Rimmer stepped forward. "OK Lister, but I insist I take rear guard."

Lister looked at Rimmer who was already edging back towards the doorway. "You really have never changed Rimmer and I guess you never will. Come on Cat let's go see what we can salvage."

"Sir if I may I'll stay here with Mr Rimmer and run some more scans." Asked Kryten.

"Sure whatever man." Said Lister flexing his mechanical arms and striding off towards the dome and altogether feeling more like his old self again.

Inside the doom the huge metal framework ran from floor to ceiling. Across the way the pair saw a small row of what could be loosely described as houses. "Come on Cat let's go see if anyone's home." Said Lister his metal frame striding off towards the nearest house.

As the pair approached the door Lister saw something on a notice board that caught his attention. "Smeg, look at this Cat, this is the same poster I had all those years ago, look there is even a guy wearing a diving suit."

The Cat leant over and inspected the poster. "Yeah, and that girl on the airbed looks like she could use some company."

"Come on." Said Lister turning away from the board and towards the door of the first house.

Lister pushed at the door and it swung upon. He ducked into the small living area, quickly followed by the Cat.

The pair wandered around the room taking in the dusty looking treasures of the past the Cat made a grab at a photo. "Hey look at this buddy, this dude was my kind of guy." Said the Cat holding up a photo showing a party scene with one guy surrounded by half a dozen women.

"Cat that's a magazine cover, it's not real."

"Not real, what's the point in that then, if I was on the cover of a magazine everything would be real. Awwwoowww!" span the Cat in excitement.

Lister squeezed his metal frame into the kitchen. He opened one or two of the cupboards before finding some tins that vaguely looked like beer. He tossed one to the Cat. "Cheers man, welcome to my new home."

The Cat looked shocked. "Your going to live here, this place is a dump."

Lister struggled with the ring pull on the can, his large mechanical fingers not designed for beer ring pulling, until finally it gave way to a very dull hiss. "What, and my quarters on Red Dwarf is way better!"

The Cat didn't argue.

Lister went back into the living room and pressed the release catch on the suit. He half fell half staggered to the plastic sofa. "You go explore Cat, I'm going to put me feet up."

The Cat needing no prompting, this place was loaded with items that needed Cat claiming.

Lister sat alone in the cold lifeless room. He was really here, really on Fiji, he was 90 years old but he had done it, the man with a plan had done it. OK so some bits of the plan won't get done, he didn't have KK with him and in reality he was not going to be doing any farming. But at least he was here. Knowing this simply fact Lister fell into a deep and pleasant sleep.

Kryten looked worriedly at Rimmer. "Sir, are you sure?" he asked Kryten urgently.

Rimmer didn't look up but did nod his head in confirmation.

Kryten re-checked the scans. "But the scans said this planet was lifeless, how could we have missed something so big?"

Rimmer finally looked up. "Kryten this is Starbug we are talking about, the scanners on this ship are no better than those fitted to the next generation Duplo toys. In fact hasn't history has taught us that we would gain more information from looking out of the window than rely on our scanner."

The Cat entered the craft, his face a picture of terror.

Kryten assured the clearly shocked Cat. "My my, what ever is that matter sir. According to my internal mood scanners all 6 million of your hairs are standing on end."

Cat grabbed Rimmer by the lapels and screeched into his face. "It's horrible, totally obscene."

Rimmer tried to release the Cats grip. "What is?"

"That thing out there, one minute this kitty was happily burying his doo doo, the next I saw this huge very badly dressed thing."

Having managed to release himself Rimmer took a step backwards. "What thing, what was it?"

The Cat looked pained. "I don't know, I turned and high tailed it back here."

Rimmer shaken decided it was time to leave. "OK that does it, let's get out of here. Cat fire up the engines and set course for Red Dwarf."

"But what about Mr Lister sir, he's still out there?" protested Kryten.

"Look he's 90 years old, and from those last medi scans you showed me yesterday he's on his last legs. I say we save the strong and leave the weak. All in favour?"

Kryten moved towards the cot pit but instead of going in he braced himself across the doorway.

"Kryten what are you doing?" said Rimmer approaching Kryten.

"I believe I am doing a spot of mutiny sir." Replied Kryten.

Rimmer faced Kryten square on. "As the most senior ranking personal aboard this craft I order you out of that door way Kryten!"

Kryten remained firmly in position, his face showing no emotion. "I'm sorry sir, but while Mr Lister is out there with that thing I am not moving."

Rimmer found Lister still asleep where the Cat had said he had last saw him. He better be alive, it had taken two injections of his precious courage program slugs to get him out the door and over to this place.

Rimmer bent down and listened to the shallow breathing of Lister. As quietly as he could Rimmer spoke to Lister. "Lister, wake up, Lister."

Listers eyes slowly opened then quickly realised Rimmer was a few inches from his face and squirmed deeper into the sofa. "Smeg Rimmer, you know I don't like it when you do that. It gives me nightmares."

Rimmer backed away a little and checked the pci-scanner. "Lister there is something here, something we didn't see before."

Lister saw the look on Rimmers face which said it all. Once more they were in mortal danger, even here on his dream planet where he had hoped to find solace it seemed he could not. "How bad?"

"Kryten says it's some sort of Pozimophed life thingy bob. All we know is it's as big as a bus and has two massive eyes on stalks."

Lister shuffled on the sofa but could not get up. "Give us a hand Rimmer would you?"

Rimmer helped Lister back into the metal suit and added urgently. "It's moved but it's on it's way here, so we need to move now."

The pair exited the dome and headed across the dusty plain towards Starbug. Rimmer looked over his shoulder at the tailing Lister a sense of urgency in his voice. "Can't you go any faster?"

"Rimmer man this thing is designed for shifting cargo not doing the 100 yard dash."

Lister suddenly realised the Rimmer was no long looking at him but rather looking past him. Lister stopped and turned. Behind him lay the dome they had just left but no longer was it a smooth round top, now it seemed to have grown a huge Mohican, and one that was moving their way. Lister turned away urgently and saw that Rimmer was still gripped with fear.

"Rimmer, snap out of it man we have to move it!"

Rimmer needing no second prompt span on the spot and began to pump his legs with great gusto.

Soon Lister was along, striding along as fast at his mechanically assisted legs could carry him. Rimmer was now almost out of sight.

Lister suddenly stropped moving his arm felt red hot. A blinding pain in his left arm told him something he didn't want to know.

"Smeg no. Not now! This is not how it's meant to be." Winched Lister clutching his now aching chest.

Rimmer having reached the outer edge of Starbug risked a look back at Lister and almost screamed. Lister was no long moving. Instead he was on all fours and the huge slug like creature was only 100 yards or so from reaching him. The hiss of the airlock release confirmed that Rimmer did what he always did in these situations, RUN!