Just some thoughts while watching doctor who.
So many heartbreaks, so many scars, burns, and injuries. Would he ever find something that would stay—that wouldn't end? The nights when he would fall asleep like a small child curled in bed afraid of so many things. The only thing that stayed was the TARDIS and it had been a long time since his beautiful TARDIS had spoken a word to him. She was mourning the same way he was. His heart hurt.
And so did his head. There was a pounding behind his temples. And he was beginning to feel his temperature rising. But he thought it was the pounding sadness of all the heart break.
Astrid had gone, and he had watched her lovely form fly from the room on that accursed ship the titanic. He had felt his heart break over again as his lips had touched hers.
Martha had left him because she thought he would hurt her. She had left and he hoped it would be a clean break. She had come back in and confessed her love to him and told him she didn't want to be with him. No she didn't really care for him she wanted to protect herself.
So when Donna came with him he did not want her to fall from him. He just wanted a friend, even if it wasn't for long.
There was Jenny, his 'daughter'. He had had trouble accepting her at first. But she was so much like his people. He had hoped for a very short while that he wouldn't be so alone. She had been shot and then he was alone. Alone.
And then there was Rose. His precious Rose. She had loved him. Without question or hesitation she had cared from him. But now she was gone. Trapped in another universe. Forever apart from his love.
So many people he wanted to love but was afraid to. He was so tired of being left alone. The loneliness in his soul was so deep. He hurt. And he knew the hurt would never leave. It wasn't fair.
The tears he never shed, because he couldn't. He knew if he cried the tears that were pent up then he could never stop. So much sadness and loneliness, all hidden behind the grin.
He felt like a small child. He wanted to sit on the floor and throw a tantrum. But what would that achieve?
Too many goodbyes, not enough hellos. Why?
And even if he could give up living like this would he? Could he settle down and be a normal human with many hellos and no goodbyes. No, he couldn't it would be to slow. But was the fast life worth it? Was the hole in his heart that could never be filled, was the excitement worth that hurt?
Another thing, why was there so many questions. Couldn't he just have an answer?
So much hurt and so much pain and so many questions. And so little good. So little lasts.
Do two hearts mean he has to love twice as much? So why was there twice as little for him to love and cherish?
My dear doctor smile for me, Rose had such a sweet voice.
Doctor why are you so sad? Martha was always so kind.
Dad, where are we going? Jenny would have been so much fun.
Oi skinny what's wrong? Donna was one of his best friends.
So many voices. Was he going insane? Had he gone completely around the bend?
Dropping to his knees he tried to stop the tears that were beginning to pour out of his eyes.
"Why?" he whispered. His thoughts moved at a million miles an hour, like normal but different in a way. The thoughts were scrambled. They were running around like frantic ants. "I'm fine" he tried to convince himself. But it was a complete lie. He was never fine and he was never going to be fine.
The bumpy TARDIS stopped and he looked up from his desperate kneeling position. He stood and found that he had been kneeling as if he was back in the Catholic Church and about to pray.
Opening the door he found a winter wonderland of snow. Snow. He had always loved snow. His dear TARDIS knew what would make him happy. But even his beloved snow couldn't take him out of his pit of despair.
"Good try girl, but there's nothing you can do" he whispered to his beautiful blue box. His amazing TARDIS. Oh, how he wished she could speak. He wouldn't be so lonely if he could hear his lovely TARDIS.
Would he be happy if he could talk to his constant companion? No he didn't think he would. But the real question was…
Could he ever be actually be truly happy?
The awful thing was that he didn't think so.
Lots of depressing things I know and it doesn't rally have a point R& if you want I don't expect any.