The Way to a Man's Heart
Disclaimer:
I don't own Naruto!
Summary: Sasuke wants to know how to
approach Suigetsu. OOC ness ahoy!
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The water-nin dove into the brook with a graceful swan dive—and fell on a rock just beneath the surface.
"Ow."
Juugo waded out into the middle of the waters and held out his arms. The liquid lapped at his knees. "The stream is dying," he declared.
"I think it's more of a brook," Karin ventured, sitting down on the bank.
"I think I broke a rib," Suigetsu groaned, tumbling into the water.
"If you didn't, can I break it anyway?" Karin asked.
"Um, lemme think…no, bitch!"
"Watch your tongue, asshole!"
"Don't you both start again," Juugo said, "We're all bitches and assholes here, right?"
The whole team stared at him, even Sasuke. "What? I was trying to make peace."
"Whatever, man," Suigetsu muttered, melting into the controversial brook/stream. Juugo flinched. "That's gross. You're like…watery. I'm like…in you. It's like…you."
"You're like…so eloquent," Karin mimicked.
Sasuke had a headache.
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"Hey, Karin?" the Uchiha asked the fuchsia haired female.
"Yeah?"
"I was wondering. If I could…talk."
"You're already talking, aren't you?"
"…"
"Oh. Right. Go ahead!"
"I like Suigetsu."
"…"
He watched her face go from extremely pale to red to green, and then a few shades of purple.
"You okay?"
"…I'm gay for Sakura, so yeah, I'm okay."
Sasuke blinked. "How do you even know who Sakura is?"
"Oh, we met on the street once. She glanced my way and I knew it was love!"
"That's nice. So…how do I get Suigetsu to like me back?"
The chakra sensing kunoichi stared at him. "Um," she began, "See now I'm scared because I actually don't think you're joking."
"So you're not gay for Sakura?"
"That's beside the point."
"So you won't help me win Suigetsu's heart?"
"Will you introduce me to Sakura?"
"Done."
"The way to a man's heart is his stomach," Karin quoted, "Or so my mother always said."
"The
woman that used to beat her husband over the head with a frying
pan?"
"She got it from her grandmother," the bespectacled
girl nodded.
"The woman that killed her husband for gambling money?"
"Yeah…hey! Why do you know so much about my family?"
Sasuke shrugged. "I did my homework. There was a reason I turned you down every time, you know."
"Do you want my help or not?" she demanded.
"Fine, so the way to his heart is to his stomach. That sounds like surgical advice, to me. I'm not trying to transplant his heart, I'm trying to win it!"
"It means you cook him a meal, knucklehead, and then he falls for you!"
"For my food, you mean," Sasuke frowned, "And that's pretty sexist."
"Your face is sexist!"
"…Do I want to know?"
"Hey!" Suigetsu called out to them, "Look, it's a bunny!" He crouched in the grass. "Here wittle bunny wabbit! Who's a cute wittle bunny wabbit?" he cooed, tickling its chin, "Bunny honey sunny bunny wabbit! OW! It bit me!"
Juugo sighed. "I'll get the first aid kit."
"And that," Karin noted, "Is what you like?"
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"Hey, Suigetsu!" Sasuke hollered to the white haired teen, "C'mere, I made you dinner!"
Karin face-palmed herself. "Be sexy!" she hissed to the dark haired boy, "Seduce him! You're not married, be gentle!"
"Um, got it," Sasuke muttered, "Yoo-hoo!" he 'flirtatiously' trilled, "Soup's on! Come get it!"
"Really?" Suigetsu asked, "Soup?"
"Yup!"
Juugo sniffed the steaming dish appreciatively. "Smells nice. What's in it?" he asked as Suigetsu poured himself a bowl.
"Um, leeks, salmon, crab, clams, and a few carrots for taste!"
Suigetsu
froze. "Salmon? Crab? CLAMS?"
Karin gasped. "Sasuke, you
idiot!"
"MOMMYYYYYYY!!" the water nin ran screaming to the nearest tree, where he proceeded to (as they say in a show somewhere) up chuck the lunch monkey.
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"Well, that plan failed spectacularly," Sasuke said.
"It's not my fault. What kind of an idiot serves a water being seafood?"
"…A well meaning but misguided one?"
"Okay," the kunoichi said with exaggerated patience, "This is the new plan. The way to a man's heart is his sword!"
"Where'd you get that one from?"
"Kabuto."
"The sex slave of Orochimaru?"
"It makes a lot of sense. Suigetsu loves that sword like a five year old loves his security blanket."
"I was there when he got it," Sasuke reminisced, "He looked like Christmas decided to come twice."
"Exactly! So you polish his sword—" she glared reproachfully at him when he giggled. "What?"
"Polish his sword."
A vein pulsed in her temple, and she kneaded her neck with a hand. "And you are the last surviving Uchiha. Sure you weren't inbred or something?"
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"Mmmm," Suigetsu mewled in his mid-afternoon nap, "Love you sword! You're my best friend in the whole…wide…world…"
His hands reached out to hug his sword, but came upon thin air. He sat bolt upright on his futon, eyes wild. "SWORD!!"
Several trees away, Sasuke winced. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" he whispered to Karin.
"Sure! Here," she said, handing him a jar of what she thought was sword-polish, "Wipe!"
Shrugging, the Uchiha obeyed. Meanwhile, back at camp, Juugo was having a hard time convincing Suigetsu that his sword hadn't been abducted by aliens.
"Why would aliens want a sword? They have laser guns."
"So? My sword can chop off heads! They probably want to dissect it!"
"…Do you even know what laser guns are? And how do you dissect a sword?"
Sasuke dropped out of the canopy and landed on the forest floor. "Heya," he beamed, "I cleaned up your sword for ya!"
"You touched sword?!" Suigetsu scowled, "Gimme—oh. My. GOD."
They all looked towards the sword, which would have gazed dolefully back. If, you know, it had any eyes. But for now, it didn't look dolefully back at them, but they all looked at it anyway. Because…it was…(are you ready for this?) BLEACHED!!
"What. Did. You. DO!"
"It was all Karin!" Sasuke yelled, dodging the swipe Suigetsu sent towards him. "She handed me the…but the…with the…!"
Juugo decided to intervene lest they lost their leader. "Suigetsu!" he shouted, "Look! It's a squirrel!"
"Really? Where?" the animal-lover asked excitedly, forgetting about his sword. Juugo pointed at a random spot in the trees. "It's running away! Chase it!"
"SQUIRREL!!"
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"So, I guess we move onto plan number tree," Karin started to say, filing her nails.
"Yeah, I've already got it."
She glanced up, surprised. "You have an idea?"
"I can't believe I didn't see it before, I can't believe I've been listening to you! He's an animal-lover! So I'll get him an animal!"
"Wait…does this mean you're not introducing me to Sakura?"
"Wait here," he said distractedly, "I'll be right back!"
"Why do I need to wait? Sasuke—Sasuke!"
-several hours later-
"What are you still doing here?" he asked, frowning.
"You bastard! You told me to wait, I assumed you'd need me for something!"
"Nah, I'm good," he said, holding a squirming package.
She twitched violently. "I swear, if you weren't young and in love and totally hot, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!"
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"Suigetsu!" Sasuke hollered, "C'mere for a sec, I wanna show you something!"
"What's up?" the shark toothed boy asked.
"I got you a gift!" Sasuke offered him a wicker basket lined in soft cloths, with large bows adorning it and a silky scarf thrown over it. Suigetsu uncovered the top, and squealed. "Tanukis!"
"Not just any tanukis," Sasuke said proudly, "Tenku and Hina, the talking tanukis."
"Aren't you just the cutest thing?"
"Well," the Uchiha blushed, "I am adorable…"
"He was talking about us, fucktard!"
"I can't believe you drugged and gave us to this freak! I'm gonna rip you apart as soon as my nin-cat powers recover!"
"Um," Suigetsu said nervously, "Can she really do that?"
"Nah, they're under an Uchiha spell, they gotta listen to me, and I ordered them not to attack anything unless it's threatening you," the raven headed teen explained.
"Wow, thanks Sasuke!" Suigetsu leaned in for a lightning peck on the alabaster cheek, "This is the best gift ever!"
And so it turned out, the way to a man's heart is different for everyone, but the way to Suigetsu's heart were a pair of foul-mouthed talking tanukis.
"Who you callin' foul-mouthed, bitch!?"
"Don't make me get up, dumbfuck, if I have to I'll kick your ass!"
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Hmmm…does this count as crack? I love this pairing!