XMenEvolutionAbridged TFS
Season 1: part 1
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It is a bright sun-shiny day on Earth. Birds are chirping, deer are frolicking, chickens are clucking…and, is that a Saiyan pod crashing into Farmer Kelly's marijuana patch?
KA-BOOOM
"Oh f**** no, mah marijuana patch!" Kelly gasped, before an awkward beat. "Ah mean, uh… mah carrot patch. Yeah"
Kelly drove up to the crash site with his 12-gauge. "I'd better do what any American would do in this situation: GET MAH GUN!" Kelly shouted, loading his shotgun as the pod opened. "Hello and welcome to Earth" an electronic voice chirped as a bright, blue-colored figure rose from the pod. "HOLY SHIT ITS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!" Kelly screamed before gasping. "I-IT'S A MUTANT! OH SHIT IT'S A MUTANT!" Kelly shouted as Cable scanned the area. "Finally, I've arrived on this… wait… did Phoenix screw this up? Oh god damn it, I knew we should've sent Corsair!" Cable growled in frustration. "Better think of somethin' cool ta say ta make 'im stop" Kelly thought to himself, aiming his gun at Cable. "HEY YOU!" Kelly hollered, Cable looking at him. "Hehehe. Genius, farmer. Genius" Kelly mentally said to himself. "Oh look, he thinks he's people. What's your power level human?" Cable asked, activating his scouter to read Kelly's power level as the farmer slowly and shakily reached for the trigger. "Five, eh?" Cable assumed, Kelly firing a shotgun shell. "PROTECT ME, GUN!" Kelly hollered, Cable quickly grabbing the bullet in midair. "No! Bad human!" Cable scolded, tossing the bullet at Kelly, which launched him into the front of his car. "Now get back up and tell me you're sorry" Cable spoke, unaware that Kelly was dead. "Human? Huuuman?" Cable called out, but no answer. "So this is why Dad said I couldn't keep Joseph" Cable said in annoyance, flying off in search of his sister.
"Damn good old wasteland!" Wolverine shouted mentally as he surveyed the vast desert that lay before him. "Time for some kickass training!" Wolverine continued, before realizing he was all alone. "Damn it, I'm lonely. Guess I'd better check MySpace. No comments, no social media, no friend requests. Dammit, at least I still have you Stan. You're always there for me" "HEY! YOU! ARE YOU PHOENIX?!" Cable's voice shouted above the skies, Wolverine snapping his head upward. "What the hell?" "IF YOU ARE STAY STILL! I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT KILLING EVERYONE AND SELLING THIS PLANET! IT'S VERY IMPORTANT!" Cable shouted before finally landing. "Oh wait you're not Phoenix. My bad" Wolverine's eyes angrily narrowed. "I've got black hair, a beard, razor sharp claws and a mask. Oh yeah, I totally look like so many other people" Wolverine snapped. "Oh, a smart-ass, huh? I don't appreciate smart-asses. Prepare yourself for my signature attack move! Keep your eye on the birdie…" Cable started before his scouter beeped. "Ooh! A higher power level!" Cable exclaimed, flying back up, Wolverine shocked. "Hey! What the hell?! Aren't you going to kill me?!" Wolverine screamed as Cable flew away. "Fine! Go ahead! I didn't want your company anyway… right Stan?" Wolverine asked to nobody in particular
Loud eighties rock music echoed as Kitty's car landed in Kame House. "Hey, I'm here" Kitty called, entering the room to see Bobby, Xavier and their pet turtle. "Kit-Kat! I mean… Kitty" Bobby said weirdly. "Hi" "Okayyyy" Kitty said, a bit weirded out. "What's going on?" "Well I'm drinking OJ! Now it's apple juice! And now it's beer! Yea, beer!" Xavier cheered, chugging down his beer. "So, where's Captain America?" Bobby asked. "I think the asshole's cheating on me" Kitty snapped
"Kitty! It's not what it looks like!" Captain America gasped, as Kitty stared at him with a shocked and pissed off look. "Ok, it's what it looks like. Can I still live here? Please? It's not my fault I live in the desert. By the way can you change Sauron's litterbox?" Cap asked, Sauron's head popping out. "I made boom-boom" Sauron said in a squeaky voice
"Seriously, Captain America?" Bobby said just as Jean and her 5 year old son Nathan arrived. "Hey guys!" Jean said cheerfully, everyone rushing over to see her. "Hey there lil… wait what?" Bobby asked, confused by seeing Nathan. Jean laughed playfully and waved. "Jean, I can't help but notice that five year old you're carrying" Kitty said. "Jean, just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid doesn't mean you can go around stealing children" Bobby explained, Jean giving him a weird look. "Ok… this is actually my son" Jean said, everyone gasping. "Wow! So I guess this means you know…" Kitty said, mentioning something. "What?" Jean asked, not entirely sure of what Kitty was meaning as Xavier popped in. "You know; bow-chicka bow-wow" Xavier grinned lewdly, him and Kitty both dropping their jaws seeing Nathan riding on the turtle. "OH MY GOD SHE'S A PARENT!" "So when's the little guy gonna start training?" Bobby asked. "Well, 18 wants him to study and become, um…" Jean stammered. "A productive and responsible member of society?" Bobby asked, Jean shrugging. "Yeah, one of those things! Hey, son! C'mere" Nathan rushed over to Jean. "Hey is that a Dragon Ball on his head? Doesn't that usually make him a target for awfully powerful people?" Kitty asked. "Well, I did beat Wolverine… but oh my black stick on a Beast!" Jean cried. "What's wrong?" Xavier asked. "I just felt a power level higher than, than… Bobby's losing streak!" Jean exclaimed. "Y'know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy" Bobby called out just as Cable landed. "It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you… Phoenix" Cable said smugly. "What?" Jean asked, confused. "That's right, that's your name we gave you before we sent you to this planet" Cable continued. "What?" Jean repeated. Cable grew irritated and shouted "Oh for God's sakes, listen! You were sent here as a child to take over this world. You are part of a race of intergalactic super-warriors called the Saiyans, and to top it all of… I… am your BROTHER!" Cable revealed, shocking everyone… except Bobby. "So you're her brother? Well that means you'll be helping out in future events, right? Right?" Bobby asked nervously, Cable snarling as he bitch-slapped Bobby into the backside of Kame House. "What'd I say?" Bobby murmured dazedly. "Hey! Stop hitting Bobby!" Jean shouted. "Why?" Cable asked snarkily. "You're breaking Kame House" Jean answered before continuing "are you here for the Dragon Balls?" "The- the dragon's what?" Cable asked, startled. "the Dragon Balls. There are 7 of them, they can grant you any wish you want like immortality" Jean explained. "…or Kitty's panties" Roberto piped up. "Sabretooth, did you hear that?" Deadpool asked excitedly. "Oh yeah, we're totally going to Earth to get our wish" Sabretooth sneered arrogantly. "Yeah and we're gonna get panties… um, immortality. Immortality's what I meant, right, Sabretooth?"
Deadpool asked, Sabretooth rolling his eyes. "Just get in the damn pod" Sabretooth growled. "No… I'm here for you, Phoenix" Cable replied. "So, what are we gonna do? Watch a game? Catch a movie?" Jean asked, a bone-chilling smile spread across Cable's face. "We're going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to a mutant overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet" Cable explained. "Um… I kinda like people here, so with all due respect…" Jean started, but was interrupted as Cable kneed her in the stomach and sent her flying into the sand
"MOMMY!" Nathan screamed, rushing to Jean's side as she laid there, snoring. "I'll be taking this. Yoink!" Cable quipped, taking Nathan and flying away. "Quick, somebody stop him!" Jean moaned weakly, nobody doing anything. "Dammit Bobby" Jean snarled, as she placed an icepack on her stomach. "Hey, I was hand-slapped through a house, what's your excuse?" Bobby snapped. "You guys are PATHETIC!" Wolverine shouted, Jean and the others gasping as he landed. "Oh crap. Look, um, I know you totally wanna kill me and all but today's kind of a bad day. First my brother shows up, then I'm actually an alien, and he kidnapped my son" Jean explained. "Oh yeah, I was watching that, that was priceless" Wolverine grinned, laughing maniacally before calming down "eh, sorry about your loss"
"Yeah. Anyway, wanna help me get him back?" Jean offered, Wolverine suspicious. "..Why?" Wolverine asked. "I'll friend you on MySpace" Jean offered, Wolverine smirking in amusement. "Stan, you've been replaced" Wolverine said to himself as he and Jean flew off
"Hey Wolverine, there's something I've been meaning to ask you" Jean said as they were flying. "What is it?" Wolverine asked. "You know you're not human either, right?" Jean started. "…Yeah" Wolverine answered. "And your dad spit you out as an egg, right?" Jean added. "What about it?" Wolverine asked, wondering where this was going. "Are… Are you a Yoshi?" Jean asked, a humungous scowl on Wolverine's face. "Yes, Jean, I'm a green fucking dinosaur!" Wolverine snapped sarcastically. "Can… Can I ride you?" Jean asked childishly, Wolverine groaning in annoyance
Meanwhile Nathan was really starting to get on Cable's nerves as he cried and cried for his mother. Cable eventually had enough and sealed Nathan in his space pod. "Thank sweet merciful God that's over. Now I can just sit back and relax and beat the crap out of whatever's coming" Cable growled, his scouter detecting two power levels. "CABLE! GIMME BACK MY SON!" Jean hollered, jumping off her Nimbus cloud as Wolverine landed. "Oh, so you're here? And I see you brought the Namekian as well?" Cable smirked. "Uh-uh. That hasn't been fully explained yet" Jean added. "Oh, screw you two!" Wolverine snarled, tossing away his weighted cloak on the ground. "Wolverine? You use weighted clothes?" Jean asked curiously. "No, Jean, I just love getting naked in front of you" Wolverine smirked sarcastically. "Hmmm, their power levels are rising…" Cable said to himself in wonder before speaking "So… nudity makes you stronger on this planet, does it?" "Um… no…" Jean answered. "Ah! But of course, that would be just plain ridiculous!" Cable cackled, laughing before moving at the speed of light, barely wounding Wolverine and Jean as they dodged him. "Ok… what the hell was that?" Wolverine asked gruffly. "I dunno. But let's try it again, from behind!" Jean ordered, the two performing the same maneuver only to be trampled. "You really shouldn't be announcing our attack strategy!" Wolverine criticized as Jean flew toward Cable's direction. "Try to dodge this one!" Wolverine shouted, Jean barely having the time to comment as Cable fired a massive Ki blast that sent Jean slamming on the ground hard. "Note to self, less talking, more fighting" Jean groaned, determined to not feel the pain in her body. "Hey Wolverine we seem to be taking a beating and oh my YAAAHHH" Jean screamed, seeing Wolverine's right arm had been amputated in the fight. "Uh, excuse me, has anyone seen my arm? You can't miss it, its green" Cable joked, laughing crudely. "Yeah… I got one more attack strategy that should do it. I can do it with one arm" Wolverine explained to Jean out of Cable's hearing range.
"What's the downside?" Jean asked. "You'll have to distract him" Wolverine quickly answered. "Huh. That doesn't seem too hard…" Jean started "… for five minutes" Wolverine finished. "Wow, you really have that much faith in me?" Jean said, with a cheerful proud smile. "Er… yeah, sure. Why not?" Wolverine replied, a bit annoyed. "Well, I won't disappoint you" Jean promised, leaping at Cable and the fight began as Wolverine hummed a famous song from the Muppet Show while charging his attack. "Hah! Got your tail!" Jean exclaimed proudly. "Please let me go?" Cable asked falsely. "Well, since you asked nicely…" Jean said, letting go only to be hit in the chest. Jean leapt up and grabbed Cable's tail. "Hah! Got your tail! Again!" Jean boasted, wiping a trace of blood from her lips. "Please let me go?" Cable asked. "I am not falling for that again" Jean snarled, using her brain for once. "Pretty please let me go?" Cable repeated, Jean hesitating only to be crushed in the ribcage as Cable's foot landed on Jean's chest. "Hah! Attacking your opponent in a one-on-one battle is a cunning strategy! No wait… what's the opposite of cunning?" Cable asked. "Retarded!" Wolverine shouted offscreen. "Yes, that's the one, now disconcerting the Namekian's answer…" Cable continued. "Nuh-uh! A Yoshi!" Jean said weakly. "IM NOT A GODDAMN YOSHI" Wolverine bellowed. "But I thought you were" Jean said. "IT'S CALLED SARCASM" Wolverine shouted. "What does that taste like?" Jean asked stupidly. "DAMMIT JEAN!" Wolverine groaned, Cable reaching his breaking point. "STOP. IGNORING. ME. AND. DIEEEEE…." Cable yelled before his scouter beeped. "STOP HURTING MY MOMMY!" Nathan yelled, bursting out of Cable's space pod. "No! My space pod!" Cable yelled, Nathan head-butting Cable in the chest, breaking his armour. "Gah! My space armor!" Cable moaned. "WE GET IT, YOU'RE FROM SPACE!"
Wolverine yelled in annoyance, Jean getting up as Nathan landed beside her. "Nathan… what the hell was that?" Jean asked, amazed by what her son did. "Mommy!" Nathan cheered. "No, really, Nathan, what the hell was that? 'cause we were getting slaughtered out there and oh God…" Jean whimpered as an enraged Cable loomed over Nathan. "Uncle Cable is PISSED!" Cable screamed, bitch-slapping Nathan upside the head. "No, wait! Stop!" Jean shouted, inching toward Cable who was a few feet away from Nathan. "Oh, what? Ms. Shattered Ribs is gonna stop me?" Cable smirked, walking toward Nathan. "I don't have any choice. I must use my last technique" Jean said to herself before shouting "FULL NELSON" and wrapping her arms around Cable's chest. "A full nelson? That won't work on me. I'm Cable!" Cable boasted, struggling but to no avail. "Seriously, this is starting to piss me off" Cable growled. "Wolverine!" Jean called out, Wolverine giving her a confirmed thumbs up. "Just send me a signal before you fire that thing! I'm right behind him!" Jean added, holding Cable with all her might. "Oh yeah, I'll give you a signal. It'll be the last signal you'll ever get" Wolverine grinned evilly, chuckling, starting up his attack in ancient Namekian language. "Aw, to hell with it! SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!" Wolverine shouted, firing a massive Ki laser beam that blasted through Cable and Jean's chest. "Riiiicoooolaaaa…. AAAAAAAHHHH!" the Riccola guy screamed as his mountain exploded. "Damn it… there's no way I could've gotten out of there…" Cable wheezed weakly. "You know, ya could've flown" Wolverine mentioned. "DAMN YOU HINDSIIIIGGGGHHHHTTT!" Cable shouted before expiring. Bobby and Xavier rushed to Jean's side, Kitty holding Nathan in her arms. "Jean, you can't die! Here! I brought you a Senzu Bean!" Bobby cried, tears running down his eyes. "I… don't think that's gonna work" Jean wheezed. "Why?" Bobby asked fearfully. "I sorta have a hole in my stomach…" Jean drawled before expiring with a smile. "Jean? Jean?" Bobby asked, getting no answer. "Holy crap. IM NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO DIE IN THIS SHOW" Bobby shouted in joy. "Bobby!" Xavier scolded, the disc scratching. "What?" Bobby asked. "Too soon" Xavier said. "I can't believe she's gone" Kitty said sadly. "Yeah, pity that" Wolverine added, regrowing his right arm with a bestial roar. "Wait, what the hell? You can regenerate?" Bobby said in amazement as Wolverine scooped up Nathan. "Yeah. You wanna know what else? I'm taking Nathan, bye" Wolverine answered rapidly, flying off. "Someone stop him!" Bobby shouted. "Dammit Xavier" Bobby growled. "Shut up Bobby" Xavier snapped back, Bobby moaning
"Well Jean has passed but has sacrificed herself to save us from great evil" Xavier spoke as they buried Jean's body. "Now our lives can return to peace once…" Xavier continued, before "Caaable! Caaaaabbbllleeee!" Deadpool's voice shouted over his scouter. "What the hell is that?" Xavier asked. "I think Cable's dead, Sabretooth" Deadpool claimed, stating the obvious. "Big shocker, nobody cares. We're ten times stronger than he is. We'll go to Earth, find the Dragon Balls and we'll kill everyone. And we'll be there in a year or so… depending on filler of course" Sabretooth answered. "…Aaanything else we need to go over Sabretooth?" Deadpool asked after a short pause. "..Nnnope that's about it" Sabretooth finished, the scouter going silent. "Well… fuck" Xavier spoke
"And so, King Apocalypse, Jean must receive training from King Toad if she's to battle the Saiyan threat" Stan Lee, the caretaker of Stan's Lookout spoke in a wheezy voice as he and Jean stood before King Apocalypse, sovereign of Heaven and judger of souls. "Gimme one good reason" Apocalypse bellowed ominously. "If you don't, the line will increase by SIX BILLION!" Stan shouted. "Six billion?! I'm supposed to be intimidated by six billion?! Puh-lease! I can judge six billion souls faster than you can write a comic, old man!" Apocalypse snapped, Stan sweat-dropping in annoyance. "You know, I am the creator of Marvel. Can I get a little more respect please?" Stan pleaded, Apocalypse rolling his eyes. "Big deal, I'm the closest thing to a god in this show. Unless you take the other guys, then I'll be totally insignificant" Apocalypse added before continuing "I do have a desk though. It's made of mahogany." Apocalypse exclaimed, Jean and Stan gazing at the massive mahogany desk. "Maaahogany" Apocalypse said slowly. "Um…" Stan piped up before "SIIILEEEENNNCEEE!" Apocalypse roared, Stan and Jean paralyzed in horror. "Mahogany" Apocalypse repeated to his liking. "Um… sir?" Stan finally spoke, Apocalypse snapping out of his mahogany rant. "Wh-what? Oh sure whatever. She can go to King Toad's. But she'll have to run on SNNNAAAKKEEE WAAAAYYYYY!" Apocalypse dramatically shouted. "Wow, sounds like fun!" Jean exclaimed gleefully. "Prepare to be surprised" Apocalypse smirked. "Before I go, did a guy named Cable come through here? He had flowing white hair…" Jean added, Apocalypse looking through the registration book. "Oh yeah, I remember that guy. I put him in my patented Yamaha" Apocalypse boasted. "Did it work?" Jean asked. "Hell no! He kicked me in the pants and ran away! Now I don't know where the hell he is" Apocalypse answered. "He didn't keep his eye on the birdie" Cable said smugly far from the office. "Oh. Well, bye!" Jean said, waving goodbye politely as she headed for Snake Way. Apocalypse and Stan stared at each other for a while. "Mahogany" Apocalypse said for the third time.
Meanwhile, Wolverine and Nathan were standing in a glade. "Alright you little human… Saiyan… thing. I saw what you did back there to Cable and that power could be very useful" Wolverine explained, Nathan gulping. "Wha-what do you mean?" Nathan asked fearfully. "I'm gonna make you my pupil and then, I'll use you in my plans to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!" Wolverine dramatically shouted. "But… where's my mommy?" Nathan asked worriedly. "Hate to tell you, kid, but your mom's dead!" Wolverine shouted, laughing uproariously as Nathan wailed like a baby seal.
"Well, Bobby? How did 18 take the news?" Xavier asked, a look of horror running through Bobby's face. "Um…" Bobby started, as we cut back to their meeting at 18's and Jean's house. "Well, Bobby? What was it you needed to talk about?" 18 asked, a sociopathic smile on her face. "So… hypothetically… what would you do if someone told you your wife was dead, and her son got kidnapped by her worst enemy" Bobby said, feeling extremely nervous and frightened. "I'd castrate the messenger in his sleep with a rusty carving knife" 18 said, her creepy smile growing and her eye twitching. "Well… good thing I'm not telling you that" Bobby laughed fearfully, 18 joining in as well only her laugh sounded extremely demented. "Would you like to spend the night?" 18 asked, Bobby suddenly realizing what was going on. "Aaagainst my better judgment" Bobby answered, peeing his pants in fear. Later that night, Bobby attempted to sneak out but heard the sound of a carving knife. "Booobbbyyyy… Wheeerrreee aaarrreee youuuuu?" 18 asked, cackling maniacally. Bobby wailed like a baby, driving off in his car. "Not well" Bobby answered. "So, are you and the other X-Warriors gonna train at Stan's Lookout?" Kitty asked. "The what?" Bobby asked, confused. "The X-Warriors. You know, you, Jean, Scott, Captain America and Dazzler? That's what we always called you" Kitty explained, suddenly sporting a scouter for no apparent reason. "That's the stupidest thing I ever…" Bobby started before "BOBBY! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" 18 yelled, driving up to Kame House in her riverboat. "Well, Im off to Stan's to go train with the X-Warriors! Bye!" Bobby quickly spat, wailing again as he drove off for his life.
"Mr. Beast?" Stan asked, the frightening and furry drill sergeant facing him. "Yes, Stan?" Beast said in a chillingly calm voice. "I've just received word that we have new trainees coming. Make sure you take good care of them" Stan explained. There was silence as Beast started to laugh which grew louder and louder and sounded like the voice of an utter madman
"… Aaand not just any mahogany, but mahogany from the planet Malchior 7! Where the trees are 300 feet tall and breathe fire! From that planet this desk was forged using ancient blood rituals by the Malchior people. Not only is my desk nigh indestructible, it can bend the fabric of the universe itself! Also, it's a very fine material. Veeerrrry expensive" Apocalypse explained. "Okaaayyy…" Stan started "Mahogany" Apocalypse repeated yet again
Jean had finally reached King Toad's after a long harrowing journey down Snake Way. "Ooohhh" Jean said in awe before seeing a tiny planet up in the sky. "That must be King Toad's place!" Jean beamed happily, flying toward it only to plummet screaming onto the grasslands of the planet. "Nice job, bitch" King Toad said smarmily
"Alright, it's time to begin your training" Wolverine said as Nathan stared at him nervously. "Um, Mr. Wolverine? Wont that cause severe muscle degeneration for somebody my age?" Nathan interrupted, Wolverine narrowing his eyes as he stared down the younger Summers. "You're a wordy little bastard, ain't you?" Wolverine smirked. "My mom wants to become a…" Nathan started before "NNNNEEEEEEERRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD!" Wolverine growled loudly, hurling Nathan at the direction of a plateau. "He's gonna land it…" Wolverine said as Nathan's screams grew louder before wincing as Nathan's face collided with the plateau and begrudgingly walked toward him with a scowl on his face. "This is gonna be a looooonnnnggggg training session" Wolverine said to himself.
"So… you're King Toad?" Jean asked. "That's right. I'm the most powerful martial artist on the planet" King Toad explained. "Ooh! A monkey!" Jean cheered. "Yes, this is my monkey Ka-Zar. Say hello, Ka-Zar" King Toad ordered, Ka-Zar hooting in chimp dialect before King Toad silenced him. "That's enough Ka-Zar." King Toad said, Jean turning to a tiny cricket. "Ooh! A grasshopper! I'ma smash it!" Jean cheered, chasing after the bug with a mallet, King Toad shaking his head as Ka-Zar hooted. "Shut up Ka-Zar" Toad moaned. "Yaaarrrggg!" Moses Magnum growled deep underneath the planet's crust. "Shaddup Magnum" King Toad added.
"You have all come to train at my lookout, but since I'm very old, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast, you know what to do." Stan said, walking away, leaving the X-Warriors at Beast's ferocious mercy. "Alright maggots listen up: Beast's about to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside the dirt, Beast's stool, Stan, and Beast. Any questions?" Beast asked, finishing his statement. "Yeah, can we… AAAGHHHIYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bobby shrieked as Beast kicked him off of Stan's Lookout. "Enjoy the climb back up BITCH!" Beast shouted before calming down. "Any more questions?" Beast asked, the remaining X-Warriors were silent. "Good. Then we can begin" Beast said, an evil smile forming. After Bobby made the long and extremely painful task of climbing back up to the lookout, Beast led the X-Warriors down a dark and harrowing hall. "Mr. Beast, are you sure this is part of the training?" Bobby asked, whimpering. "Pecking order!" Beast interrupted. "Sorry" Bobby moaned. "Damn right you are. Now step on the circle." Beast commanded, the X-Warriors standing on the Satanist circle. "Byyeeeee" Beast said frighteningly. Bobby only got one whimper before he and the X-Warriors vanished and appeared in a deserted and desolated land. "Look at this place… the rubble, the ruin…" Cyclops started. "Where are we, San Bernardino?" Bobby asked, the disc scratching. "Bobby!" Cyclops snapped. "Too soon!" Captain America scolded. Before they could look, Lockheed was pulled away by unknown forces. "Lockheed! My partner!" Cyclops gasped in horror.
"…Gay" Captain America quipped. "Says the man who lives in the desert with cats" Cyclops retorted. "Hey, at least I get some puss!" Captain America added, only to see a hand grab Bobby by the leg and drag him down underneath the street "OH GOD THIS COULDN'T POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE" Bobby whimpered. "Byyeeeee" Mr. Beast's voice echoed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" Bobby screamed, as Cyclops and Captain America had the crap beaten out of them, Mr. Beast watching and laughing insanely before summoning them back. "Well… how was it?" Mr. Beast asked. "It was terrible" Bobby whimpered, sobbing. "Good. You survived the first part of the test" Mr. Beast grinned sadistically before adding "But I have some bad news: You're going BACK!" Bobby's eyes shrank in utter terror. "What?" Bobby meekly said. "Byyeeeee" Mr. Beast chimed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bobby screamed as he and the X-Warriors were sent into the Danger Room simulation.
"Mr. Beast…. Where did you send them?" Stan asked, a hint of concern and worry in his voice
"I'll tell you where they're not…. Safe" Mr. Beast answered, grinning with sadistic delight
Meanwhile, in the deep reaches of outer space…
"Are we there yet?" Deadpool asked. "No" Sabretooth answered. "Are we there yet?" "No" "Hey Sabretooth" "WHAAAAT?" "Can we stop at the bug planet? "Dammit Deadpool, if it'll shut you up for five minutes, then FINE"
"See, look how fun this is" Sabretooth sarcastically said as he and Deadpool overlooked the Skrull planet before the Skrull Centurions arrived and threw them in prison. "Hey, Sabretooth" Deadpool spoke. "What is it?!" Sabretooth growled. "Weee're in prison Sabretooth" "I see that Deadpool" "Hey" "WHAT?!" "Don't drop the soap" "…I swear to God, Deadpool, I will shiv you"
Meanwhile, back on Earth….
The howling of a wolf was heard as Nathan looked warily over the plateau he was standing on with Wolverine watching impatiently. "How do I get down from here?" Nathan hollered downward. "CLIIIIMMMB DOOWWWNN!" Wolverine screamed. "But it's so high. What should I do?" Nathan asked. "I SAID CLIIIMMMBB DOWWWNNN!" Wolverine repeated, getting more and more agitated. "I could make a makeshift rope or ladder…" Nathan said, not understanding. "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUGGGHHH!" Wolverine snarled in frustration as he levitated upward to see Nathan staring at the moon.
"Oh great, now he's just standing there looking at the moon like a retarded puppy! I was trying to teach him how to fend for himself, but nooo…" Wolverine griped before gasping as Nathan transformed into a humungous Saiyan ape.
"Wait a minute, that tail, that's Nathan's Saiyan blood which means… EACH ONE OF JEAN'S RACE IS GONNA BECOME A GIANT GORILLA!" Wolverine shouted as Ape!Nathan opened his mouth and fired a massive blast that blew up half of where Wolverine was levitating. Wolverine then glared at the moon and yelled "STOP MOCKING MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" blowing up the moon with his hand cannon. The moon burst into a million stalagmites and Ape!Nathan returned to his human form, naked and unconscious. "Hah! Perfect orbit, my ass!" Wolverine snarled before seeing Nathan. "Wait. Where'd the monkey go?" Wolverine asked to nobody before grimacing at seeing Nathan's ass crack. "Oh, what the hell is that? Well, he doesn't need it" Wolverine shrugged, removing Nathan's tail with a mighty yank and placed Saiyan clothes on him with his hand beam.
Meanwhile, back on King Toad's planet…
"Ok Jean, the first part of your training is…" King Toad started only to be interrupted. "CHASE THE MONKEY!" Jean squealed, chasing after a frightened Ka-Zar. "Um…" King Toad started… "WHEEEEEEEEE!" Jean squealed, chasing after Ka-Zar. "…Yyyeah, you go do that" King Toad shrugged.
Meanwhile, back on Planet Mojo….
Mojo Guru, the elderly and extremely obese guru of Planet Mojo meditated calmly in his throne before a splash was heard. "Llloooonnngggshoootttt…." Mojo called. "Loooonnnggggshoootttt" Mojo repeated, Longshot entering and kneeling. "What is it, Lord Mojo?" Longshot asked. "Iiiii saw a fish. That is all. You can go back outside now" Lord Mojo spoke in his baritone voice. "Uugghh this is so awfully dull. I hope something exciting happens, I don't care what it is!" Longshot said to himself. "Lllooonggshooottt!" Mojo called again. "WHAT?!" Longshot shouted in annoyance. "Iiii saw a bird. It was pretty. Kick its aaaaasssss" Mojo said slowly, the veins on Longshot's head about to burst.
Meanwhile, back on the Skrull planet…
"I LOVE RULING THIS PLANET WITH AN IRON FIST!" Paibok exclaimed proudly before being jolted by a massive explosion. "WHAT IN THE GREAT SKRULLIAN MOONS WAS THAT?!" Paibok asked in fear
"Hiii" Deadpool said. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO?" Paibok screamed. "Hi. I'm Deadpool, and this is Sabretooth. He was a prison bitch" Deadpool said. "Shut the hell up Deadpool" Sabretooth snarled. "Kay" Deadpool answered. "Aanyway, we're here because my partner's an idiot and I'm gonna slaughter you all" Sabretooth continued. "Hey, Sabretooth!" Deadpool interrupted, Sabretooth grinding his teeth with rage. "Oh god, what now?!" Sabretooth asked in annoyance. "I think that's their queen. I'm curious how they brrreeeeeeddd" Deadpool said seductively. "Oh goddamn it Deadpool, that's disgusting!" Sabretooth regurgitated in disgust. "Hey! You guys! Breeed for us" Deadpool ordered. "WHY SHOULD WE LISTEN TO YOU? YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY MY FEARSOME AND TOTALLY ELITE…" Paibok shouted as his guards were instantly vaporized. "…DEAD GUARDS" Paibok finished, turning towards his wife. "Nothin's happenin'. They're just… Ohhh yeah, there we go!" Deadpool grinned in amusement, snapping a picture and posting it on Sabretooth's phone. "Ohhh goddamn it Deadpool!" Sabretooth shouted in disgust. "THERE, I KNOCKED UP MY WIFE. NOW WILL YOU LEAVE US BE?" Paibok asked. "Nnnope, I'm still gonna kill you" Sabretooth answered defiantly. "SUMMON THE RAAANNNCOOOORRR!" Paibok ordered, Deadpool and Sabretooth gaping in awe of the Skrulls' most vicious beast. "Sabretooth, it's, it's… IT'S SO CUTE! CAN I KEEP IT? CANNN I KEEP IT?" Deadpool asked pleadingly, hopping up and down excitedly. "Fine. Go catch it or something" Sabretooth answered. "YAAAAAYYYYYYYY!" Deadpool cheered, tearing off the Rancor's finger. "Here boy! Catch the ball! Catch the…" Deadpool called, tossing the Ki ball at the rancor, blowing it up completely.
"D'awww I broke it Sabretooth. It must've been made outta something weak like papier mache, or Cable" Deadpool quipped, Paibok cowering behind his throne as Sabretooth charged his attack. "I'm about to rock you… like a hurricane" Sabretooth grinned, showing his fanged teeth. "I LOOOOVVVEEE THAT SONG… UURRRKKK!" Paibok choked, as Sabretooth's Ki blast killed him. "Haha, did you see that Deadpool, that was totally…" Sabretooth bragged before turning to his partner. "What are you doing, Deadpool?" Sabretooth asked. "I'm cuddling it Sabretooth" Deadpool sobbed
"… It's dead Deadpool" Sabretooth answered
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Deadpool screamed upward sobbing. "I remember when we first got him" Deadpool sniffled, wiping tears before a Skrull approached him and Sabretooth. "YOU HAVE FREED OUR RACE! YOU TWO ARE THE GREATEST HEROES! WE SHALL ERECT STATUES OF YOU!" the Skrull announced. "Well isn't that nice Sabretooth" Deadpool said. "…OUT OF OUR DUNG!" the Skrull finished. "…well isn't that…" Deadpool started again. "We're leaving, Deadpool" Sabretooth rapidly answered. "Kay" Deadpool replied as they entered their pods and continued heading towards Earth.
Meanwhile, the cast members who have done something for once have gathered the Dragon Balls and summoned Cerebro, the Eternal Dragon and they wished Jean back to life after some haggling. Back at King Toad's planet, the halo over Jean's head was gone
"King Toad! I'm alive again!" Jean cheered. "Yeah. You've also learned the Kaioken and the Spirit Bomb. Now get the hell off of my planet!" King Toad barked, Jean waving goodbye as she flew off. "OHHH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? IM ALL ALLLOOONNEE AGAIN!" King Toad shouted in rage, Ka-Zar tried hooting to cheer him up. "Shaddup Ka-Zar" Toad griped. "I'm still here…" Brood chirped. "Shaddup Brood!" Toad snapped, staring down the shrank mutant bug. "YAAARGH! YA STILL HAVE…" Magnum roared. "SHADDUP MAAAAGNUUUUMMMM!" King Toad screamed
Meanwhile, back on Earth….
"So, Mr. Wolverine, what are ya gonna teach me? A new fighting technique?" Nathan asked eagerly. "DDDOOOOODDDDDGGGE!" Wolverine yelled, smacking Nathan into next Friday. "Man… this training with Mr. Wolverine is really hard…" Nathan said to himself as he staggered up before "DDDOOOOODDDDGGGE!" Wolverine screamed, knocking him down on the ground.
Later…
"Wow, I've learned how to survive, how to eat the fat of the land, Mr. Wolverine's a really great…" Nathan mentally monologued, eating a bowl of beans before zapped with a Ki blast.
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!" Wolverine yelled
"Are we there yet?" "No" "Are we there yet?" "No" "Are we there yet?" "Yes" Instantaneously, Deadpool's and Sabretooth's Saiyan pods crash-landed in the middle of Capsule City.
"YYYAAAAAAYYYYYY!" Deadpool cheered as he and Sabretooth exited out of their pods. "Oh look! More locals!" Deadpool exclaimed reducing half the city to a smoldering crater without any thought. "Dammit Deadpool, think before you act! What if you'd blown up one of the Dragon Balls?" Sabretooth growled. "The… say what now, Sabretooth?" Deadpool asked
"the Dragon Balls, Sabretooth! Remember our wish?!" Sabretooth snapped. "the Dragon Balls. There's seven of them, they can grant you any wish you want, like immortality" Jean explained to Cable. "…or Kitty's panties" Roberto interrupted.
"Yeah. Pandas" Deadpool exhaled, Sabretooth tugging his hair in frustration as they found Wolverine, Bobby and Nathan in the grassfields. "And who are you?" Wolverine asked. "I am Deadpool. Annd this is Sabretooth. He was a prison…" Deadpool started. "SHUT UP DEADPOOL!" Sabretooth screamed. "…bitch" Deadpool finished, a rimshot was heard. Deadpool then noticed Wolverine. "Hey Sabretooth, look! It's a Namekian!" Deadpool gasped, excited. "Hey I take offense to that!" Bobby spat, insulted. "HE'S REFERRING TO ME, YOU IDIOT!" Wolverine snarled before adding "and it's not an insult, the Namekians are a fine proud race" "that means he doesn't have a penis, right, Sabretooth?" Deadpool asked for clarification just as Cyclops and Lockheed arrived. "Oh goodie, more of them" Sabretooth deadpanned. "Sabretooth, look! More tall people! The two short ones, the big tall ones and… Sabretooth, look! A Pokémon!" Deadpool exclaimed excitedly as he threw a Pokeball at Lockheed but it didn't open. Cyclops was pissed and lunged for Deadpool, but Deadpool countered Cyclops' attack and amputated his right arm.