A/N: This story is my response to critics who have labelled my OFC a Mary
Sue, despite her being plain, unpopular and ignored by any eligible male
canon. I have taken it upon myself to show people what a Mary Sue *really*
is.
It is a parody mocking Mary Sue authors, Mary Sue characters, my own character (Martha Page) and myself as an author, set in the Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, LOTR, and X Men "verses". Expect canon characters to behave very Out Of Character, and watch out for modern technology making inappropriate appearances.
Although I am English, Americanisms will be included. Otherwise, no one will understand what I'm writing.
Note: We don't get to meet any pirates until Chapter 2, so I forgive you for only skim-reading :)
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Chapter 1 - The Prophecy. (Don't most Mary Sue stories start off with one of these?)
The time was sometime in the Near Future, and the place was somewhere in the United States of America.. The mutant terrorist known as "Magneto" and his protégé - for want of a better word - were on a settee. Just sitting there. Although one of them may have been reading a book. Or eating. Martha Page, occasionally known as "Magneta", was ensconced on Magneto's knee. Trying to resist the temptation to suck her thumb.
Martha Page was plain, unremarkable. Average stature, forgettable looks, conservative dress sense. As for her eyes, no one knew what colour they were, because the Author neglected to mention this. The only feature of note was her mutation, which gave her the power to manipulate magnetic fields and caused large quantities of metal to be contained in her hair. The latter resulted in her locks being "coarse, wiry and unmanageable". When the metal was harvested, her hair became "shiny and soft", but Martha was denied this transformation into a Beauty Queen, because as Magneto stated in an earlier fanfic, the iron would always grow back. The first extraction resulted in the iron forming into a rather amusing living metal snake. But Martha forgot to feed it and it died.
The only other factor distinguishing Martha page from equally boring girls with equally boring names was her codename "Magneta". This name was assigned to her because Martha couldn't think of one for herself, so Magneto had to do it for her. In fact, she was so inept that Magneto had to do pretty much everything for her, save wipe her bottom.
After a silence sufficiently long enough for even the slowest of readers to get through the previous paragraphs, Magneto spoke.
"There is something special about you Martha. According to a Prophecy, you are going to save the Universe."
"What does the Prophecy say?"
"I can't remember. Something about you being somebody else, the end of the world and you saving everyone. But I deleted the email and now I've forgotten it."
"Or rather the Author couldn't be bothered to think up a Prophecy, due to the obligatory archaic language and rhyming couplets necessary for the standard Fanfic Prophecy, so she had you conveniently forget." Martha muttered.
"Something like that. Anyway, I have just this second realised that danger is immanent and I have to take you to a place called Middle Earth where my brother Gandalf lives. There you will learn about your new identity and fight the forces of evil. But first I've got to phone my brother and arrange a time to meet. Now where is my cell phone.?"
Martha reluctantly slid off his knee as Magneto hunted for his mobile phone. He eventually found it under a cushion.
Ten seconds later he used his magnetic powers to hurl the thing across the room.
"Oh why doesn't my brother get himself a cell phone! No matter, he'll be in at 7 - he never misses the 'Baywatch' re-runs on Cable. Still, it annoys me that They won't give Gandalf a cell phone, just because he's Old, and Old People don't have cell phones."
"But you're Old, and you've got one." Martha pointed out.
"That's because I'm a Villain," Magneto answered. "And I need portable telephones to conduct my Villainous activities. And, if you call me 'Old' again, I'll spank your bottom."
*Hundreds of fanfic readers suddenly work out why Martha stays with Magneto*
"Shut up you Old Git." Martha said hopefully, but Magneto wasn't listening.
A few moments later, during which Pyro had come in wanting something and had been sent away with a flea in his ear, Martha said:
"Magneto, are you going to ask professor X about this?"
"No." Magneto said irritably. "I broke friends with him."
"Why?"
"Because he beat you at chess."
"But Magneto, *you* beat me at chess. You *always* beat me at chess."
"Whatever. I still hate the S** of a B****."
"Magneto."
"What now?"
"Why all the asterisks?"
"Because Sir Ian McKellen *never* swears. Also, he *never* utters crude American insults."
"So what does he say when he's P****d?"
"Uh, I dunno, he'd probably say "Balderdash" or words to that effect."
"Magneto -"
"WHAT?!"
"What does "balderdash" mean?"
"Haven't a clue. Try asking the Author, she's English, she ought to know."
"Magneto."
"AAAAARRRRGH!!!"
"If I continue getting on your nerves will you spank my bottom?"
"GO. AWAY."
*********************************************
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! I WILL *DIE* IF YOU DON'T!!!! PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!!!!! IF YOU REVIEW I WILL LET YOU PLAY WITH LEGOLAS AND IF YOU DON'T BAD LUCK WILL FOLLOW YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND ALL YOUR FAMILY WILL DIE!!!
No. My real name is not 'Martha Page'.
It is a parody mocking Mary Sue authors, Mary Sue characters, my own character (Martha Page) and myself as an author, set in the Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, LOTR, and X Men "verses". Expect canon characters to behave very Out Of Character, and watch out for modern technology making inappropriate appearances.
Although I am English, Americanisms will be included. Otherwise, no one will understand what I'm writing.
Note: We don't get to meet any pirates until Chapter 2, so I forgive you for only skim-reading :)
******************************************************
Chapter 1 - The Prophecy. (Don't most Mary Sue stories start off with one of these?)
The time was sometime in the Near Future, and the place was somewhere in the United States of America.. The mutant terrorist known as "Magneto" and his protégé - for want of a better word - were on a settee. Just sitting there. Although one of them may have been reading a book. Or eating. Martha Page, occasionally known as "Magneta", was ensconced on Magneto's knee. Trying to resist the temptation to suck her thumb.
Martha Page was plain, unremarkable. Average stature, forgettable looks, conservative dress sense. As for her eyes, no one knew what colour they were, because the Author neglected to mention this. The only feature of note was her mutation, which gave her the power to manipulate magnetic fields and caused large quantities of metal to be contained in her hair. The latter resulted in her locks being "coarse, wiry and unmanageable". When the metal was harvested, her hair became "shiny and soft", but Martha was denied this transformation into a Beauty Queen, because as Magneto stated in an earlier fanfic, the iron would always grow back. The first extraction resulted in the iron forming into a rather amusing living metal snake. But Martha forgot to feed it and it died.
The only other factor distinguishing Martha page from equally boring girls with equally boring names was her codename "Magneta". This name was assigned to her because Martha couldn't think of one for herself, so Magneto had to do it for her. In fact, she was so inept that Magneto had to do pretty much everything for her, save wipe her bottom.
After a silence sufficiently long enough for even the slowest of readers to get through the previous paragraphs, Magneto spoke.
"There is something special about you Martha. According to a Prophecy, you are going to save the Universe."
"What does the Prophecy say?"
"I can't remember. Something about you being somebody else, the end of the world and you saving everyone. But I deleted the email and now I've forgotten it."
"Or rather the Author couldn't be bothered to think up a Prophecy, due to the obligatory archaic language and rhyming couplets necessary for the standard Fanfic Prophecy, so she had you conveniently forget." Martha muttered.
"Something like that. Anyway, I have just this second realised that danger is immanent and I have to take you to a place called Middle Earth where my brother Gandalf lives. There you will learn about your new identity and fight the forces of evil. But first I've got to phone my brother and arrange a time to meet. Now where is my cell phone.?"
Martha reluctantly slid off his knee as Magneto hunted for his mobile phone. He eventually found it under a cushion.
Ten seconds later he used his magnetic powers to hurl the thing across the room.
"Oh why doesn't my brother get himself a cell phone! No matter, he'll be in at 7 - he never misses the 'Baywatch' re-runs on Cable. Still, it annoys me that They won't give Gandalf a cell phone, just because he's Old, and Old People don't have cell phones."
"But you're Old, and you've got one." Martha pointed out.
"That's because I'm a Villain," Magneto answered. "And I need portable telephones to conduct my Villainous activities. And, if you call me 'Old' again, I'll spank your bottom."
*Hundreds of fanfic readers suddenly work out why Martha stays with Magneto*
"Shut up you Old Git." Martha said hopefully, but Magneto wasn't listening.
A few moments later, during which Pyro had come in wanting something and had been sent away with a flea in his ear, Martha said:
"Magneto, are you going to ask professor X about this?"
"No." Magneto said irritably. "I broke friends with him."
"Why?"
"Because he beat you at chess."
"But Magneto, *you* beat me at chess. You *always* beat me at chess."
"Whatever. I still hate the S** of a B****."
"Magneto."
"What now?"
"Why all the asterisks?"
"Because Sir Ian McKellen *never* swears. Also, he *never* utters crude American insults."
"So what does he say when he's P****d?"
"Uh, I dunno, he'd probably say "Balderdash" or words to that effect."
"Magneto -"
"WHAT?!"
"What does "balderdash" mean?"
"Haven't a clue. Try asking the Author, she's English, she ought to know."
"Magneto."
"AAAAARRRRGH!!!"
"If I continue getting on your nerves will you spank my bottom?"
"GO. AWAY."
*********************************************
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! I WILL *DIE* IF YOU DON'T!!!! PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!!!!! IF YOU REVIEW I WILL LET YOU PLAY WITH LEGOLAS AND IF YOU DON'T BAD LUCK WILL FOLLOW YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND ALL YOUR FAMILY WILL DIE!!!
No. My real name is not 'Martha Page'.