Endless days and empty nights
Feel the darkness crawl through my mind
Out of reach but still calling
I can't get to you
He lay in his bed staring at the TARDIS's ceiling once more. The ceiling of a room cluttered by objects that held no interest to him, he couldn't even remember their purpose. But he remembered everything thing about her. Her smell, her warmth even her taste from the time she had kissed him.
Now Rory was here, and they were married. His brow deeped. She was out of reach, not to be touched. But the doctor never obeyed the rules so he knew she had to go. He remembered the looks she still sneaked him, like her heart was still calling him but if she stayed he would break and it would ruin her to know the truth. To know his feelings for her were so strong. So tomorrow, he would send her home to continue her life, with Rory. Without him.
Feel the emptiness in my heart
Life's taking me back to the start
There's no power no glory
I'm just missing you
He had let her slip away. Again. Another to join the growing pile.
He watched the light blue door of her perfect country house close with a final thud and as if the sound commanded him, a tear slid down his cheek. Only one, that was all he could bear, or else his sorrow would consume him. He saw a flash of red hair through the windows in the door and he remembered seeing it, marvelling at it, as it burned the stars.
And as his body shifted away, and his eyes scanned the windows for one last sight of that hair, his hearts started burning up. His pale face was starved of expression and the same eyes that had over come such terror and held unbearable love were now blank, as if wiped of all existence. Wiped of all his strength to stand alone. He could only exist with her at his side.
Never had a bond been forged that ran so deep. And now it was broken, gone, never to be re-forged. He knew that no feeling would come back and the only thing left for him to feel was the emptiness of his soul and the burning of his panicking hearts.
He stepped heavily away and the doors opened to him in welcome but he made no acknowledgement to his beloved machine. He walked to the panel and flicked the switches, a routine that had been printed in his brain ever since he ran away from that war.
But the usual sadness of those memories didn't come, and after checking he was in orbit somewhere, he sat down on the very chair Amy had wept her eyes out after losing Rory.
He deserved her. He was her rock, her home. His arms were her safe heaven. He knew this, and knew this is why she had married him. As he accept their fates were no longer bound, his heart and soul shattered and he was left an empty shell, clutching him knees to his chest, eyes staring into the past.
She was my pleasure and my pain
She was my shelter from the rain
Searching for answers where it went wrong
And now she's gone
He stood watching them burn. The rain was pouring down, as if the heavens had opened to see them enter hell. His eyes were hard and held nothing but the burning of sorrow. But he turned away all the help he was given, preferring to suffer, so he didn't forget.
Once know as the joyful one for his glee of the universe, now he reflected his true age and spoke only words of wisdom. A wisdom earned the hardest way. Through loss. And the words he spoke held the truth, no matter how harsh. But luckily for some they weren't often spoken, he had become an empty shell. A replica of the glory he had once held. He was no longer himself, hence no longer the doctor.
And as I burned because of him, I sent up one last prayer.
Make her come back, who ever she is, so she can fix him.
It's my one mistake
Its my living nightmare while I'm awake
There's no escape
She's everything I've ever known
The only thing that I could never change
She's the one that got away
He trashed in his sleep. His bed cover flew to the floor but he didn't notice. Sweat ran down his face as his body convulsed. His hearts were beating at an unhealthy rate. A rate that at any minute give up and he could fall in to the darkness but no such escape presented itself to him. So he continued the nightmare in torture. But in a way he welcomed it. For within them he saw her again, and all his feelings returned.
Tainted memories follow me
No redemption no remedies
Just the truth that's plain to see
I can't turn back now
He walked down through the crowds in London, but he didn't feel the pushing or hear the yelling. They didn't register in his mind. He looked at all the human girls that passed him by, hoping to find another to replace her. If he could notice one individual, just one out of the thousands, he knew he would mend. He was sick of the pain now. Hated the torture every night. Hated finding things of hers around the place.
He didn't realise he had stopped until a man gently put his hand on his arm.
"Are you okay?"
His eyes were kind and filled with concern, obviously a doctor.
"No, I'm not okay."
And he marched away, leaving the man staring after him.
As he stared and observed, looking for someone, any one, to grab his attention, good or bad, he found himself comparing them to her. But no one could beat her. Her, the girl whose name must not be spoken.
She was my pleasure and my pain
She was my shelter from the rain
Searching for answers where it went wrong
And now she's gone
He wondered why he was here. He mentally swore at himself. As he did so, he realised her was interacting with himself again. But no-one could break his shell. It was as strong as the angels defence system.
Fitting as he stood on the bay where he had stood with Amy, after River had left and he had saved them from the angels. He walked through the sand, treading carefully, each step bringing back memories, and more pain.
After barely a few minutes, he had to stop and breathe, clutching his sides in agony. And found himself exactly where he had stood staring at the sea with her. He knew in a few minutes she would try and kiss him, but it wasn't kisses of love. It was lust.
He knew love. He still suffered from it.
It's my one mistake
Its my living nightmare while I'm awake
There's no escape
She's everything I've ever known
The only thing that I could never change
She's the one that got away
He saw the all to familiar reflection of himself as he stood in front of the mirror in what used to be Amy's room. He often found himself returning here, to this one room, as if he could feel her presence. And today he was looking at the mirror. The man in front of him was a stranger. For on the outside he was himself, simply cold looking and distant. But on the inside he was burning, always burning. He wondered if he would burn out, and this could all end. But he knew that would be too easy hence impossible.
As he stared into empty eyes, the image flickered and shifted into the dream lord. Unlike last time, he didn't sneer but he didn't comfort him either. He just stared but his cheeks held colour, unlike his own.
He searched inside himself and listened to what he was thinking.
Maybe you should wipe all your memories?
He shook his head, even though there was no one to see. He spoke out loud, but in a whisper.
"No. That would be even worse."
Worse for the others you mean. Inside, you could then heal. Treat yourself for once.
"No."
Amy could never leave him. He would wake up a man of sorrow but he knew from experience, it would just make him angry and everyone would suffer. So forgetting was out of the question.
Calling me, haunting me
Never ending, its breaking me
Fell it burning, inside of me
Yeah
The vortex stared at him. He knew he could be driven mad at any second, he knew the risks. But he had felt the need to come here. Fate had pulled him to this spot. For in front of him was a hole in reality, in which the time vortex showed. And he stared, looking into it's depths, but not taking anything in, like he was searching for something that stood out. He stood there for days, maybe even years, he couldn't tell. Crowds gathered around him, treating him as a landmark, a source of photo's and fan-fiction's. That was until the day came when he inhaled sharply and staggered back, away from the hole.
He held a hand clutched over his heart. For he had seen Amy in the Vortex. She was sitting at home, watching TV. When he said watching TV, he guessed that she was, as she was staring right at him, and he knew he was seeing her through a screen. Her eyes didn't move, no emotion showed, as she did was stare. Rory had come to sit next to her. He had slipped an arm around, to the doctor's disgust, but she hadn't moved. He had frowned as Rory kissed her under the ear, blowing slightly. But Amy had simply pointed at the screen. At him.
Rory had stared at the screen and he realised they must be able to see him, see him broken, with no meaning left in live expect memories. And at that he had found himself back in reality, but not before Amy had seen him fading. She had jumped to her feet and screamed his name, a single tear leaving her eye. He knew how it felt to hold back tears and allow only one to fall.
For one tear could hold a million emotions, and it could only truly be understood by someone who had felt the same way.
It's my one mistake
Its my living nightmare while I'm awake
There's no escape
She's everything I've ever known
The only thing that I could never change
It's my one mistake
Its my living nightmare while I'm awake
There's no escape
She's everything I've ever known
The only thing that I could never change
She's the one that got away
She stared at the screen, not trusting herself to move in case his image left with it. For there was her doctor. But he wasn't happy as she expected, hoped, he'd be after he had forced them away. She could see he was broken. But unlike others, unlike anyone else, she also knew, in one glance, that he had nightmares, that he had been fighting with himself, that he had finally given up the gun. And most of all, she could see the hope that had appeared when their eyes had meet through the screen. Now he was gone, and she was on her feet screaming. Rory stood up and tried to calm her, but she shoved him back down. For she needed the doctor, not a stupid country one.
She was done pretending. She had played happy families with him but it was dull and lacking some thing, some one. And now as she shrieked, emotions were building inside of her, and she got rid of all the frustration that she had held in. Before she knew it, she was heading to the door and swung it open.
She had known he'd be there. Known he'd be there, care filling his eyes with tears. And of course, there he stood, tall and thin as he stared at her. She felt something in her soul connect, and knew that their link had been reforged. She didn't need to say anything, she knew he understood. And without a word, he collapsed at her feet.
She bent quickly, and took his face in her hands. He was conscious, but too tired, too burned out to move. She didn't hesitate, didn't spare a thought for the gob-smacked Rory behind her. She bent down and kissed his lips, breathing life back into him. After a moment, his hand raised and held her cheek.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
And then the doctor passed out. He didn't need to search no more. For Amy was finally his.