Ex Intempestivo Pax

Chapter 1

To Die But Once

Better a small chance at heaven than a guarantee of hell...

Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling or William Shakespeare, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.

It was a beautiful day, with the sun shining brightly and the autumn air just cool enough to be merely comfortable rather than an annoyance; Severus Snape thought it ironic that on such a beautiful day his dreams, already in tatters, were about to be burned into ashes. His secret love, Lily Evans, had just sent him a letter, which would have seemed a good thing, considering it was what he had been praying for ever since the end of their friendship three years ago, if it weren't for the letter's contents.

Reading the letter from beginning to end for the third time, Severus swore aloud, wishing he could blow something up, but he was outside and there were Muggles nearby, so that wasn't an option available to him.

The letter had two requests in it: that they could forgive and forget, perhaps becoming acquaintances again, something that he felt was a good place to start with if he were to try to win back her friendship and perhaps more, and that she was inviting him to her wedding, which was to take place this October.

It was particularly painful considering that it was his worst enemy that she was marrying, James Potter, who had seemed to make it his life's mission to ruin Severus'. Potter, even when Severus and Lily had been best friends, had seemed to take great pleasure in tormenting Severus, humiliating him constantly, then when he had supposedly 'changed', beating him until Severus had needed to learn skills comparable to the average Healer in order to avoid having to go to the Hospital Wing.

Admittedly, after Lily had given up on him, thanks to how he was getting closer and closer to this gang that was planning on joining the Death Eaters as well as because he had slipped and called her...a certain word, it had seemed as if his fate had been set, driving him straight into the Death Eaters, crushing any and all chances of a true friendship.

Nonetheless, with the exception of losing Lily and loathing what he was forced to witness sometimes, Severus couldn't say that being a Death Eater was too bad; he had improved his magic to the point that he, quite frankly, laughed at the idea of Potter even coming close to matching him anymore, he now had the respect of much of the 'aristocracy' of the wizarding world, and he was able to stay with his friends, who had also became Death Eaters. Even so, Severus felt privately that every day without Lily was a great loss for him indeed, and he would give it all up just for the chance to be her best friend again...

Severus sighed and started to walk back to his house, eyes aiming straight at the ground in front of him as his dismal thoughts echoed themselves through his head. The biggest problem was that, quite simply, his situation had become what was basically a catch-22: he didn't want to give up on being in the Death Eaters for nothing, as he had quite a few people he cared about in them, and he would be sacrificing all that he had accomplished so far, so he really only wanted to do it if he could be assured of Lily's being his best friend again.

On the other hand, Lily had always been of the opinion that you should do the right thing regardless of cost, simply because it was the right thing to do, so there was no way that she would promise her friendship to him solely in order to make sure he changed sides, and Severus couldn't be sure that he could keep her friendship if he did change sides, as Potter, like before, would probably do everything in his power to undermine it.

Reaching his house, Severus opened the door, almost slamming it against the wall, before it returned to its proper place with an indignant squeak, then walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and opened a carton of milk, pouring himself a cup, before grabbing a can of green beans from a nearby cupboard.

He started eating and drinking without relish or even much attention paid towards the food as he pondered his situation and what he could do about it. He started going over all the dismal factors he had gone through no less than five times each day, sighing as they came to the same conclusion he had gotten the last thousand times.

Forcing down the last of the green beans, Severus then walked over to the couch and threw himself onto it, propping his chin on the raggedy armrest while he laid down on his front. 'Really, I don't have any real option, do I? I mean, it's not like I can compete against handsome, rich, 'I'm such a great guy' Potter. For all of his disgusting flaws, he does have me beat, as I am a Death Eater, and that probably isn't changing any time soon...'

Sighing again, Severus went over to his desk, picked up a sheet of parchment, and began to write:

Dear Lily,

While I would certainly be willing to agree to this 'forgiving and forgetting', I will never go to any social event that has POTTER in it, for he has made my life a living hell during our school years.

Yours Always,

Severus Snape

Severus looked over the letter and shrugged; while it probably wouldn't help much in the long run, it was the best he could do given what he had to work with. Going over it one last time, he called his snowy owl, Tobias, which he had named after his late father, not out of love, but because it gave him a distinct pleasure ordering around the drunken wanker, even if it was only in owl form.

Tobias quickly flew over, but before Severus could give him the letter, Tobias pecked him on the finger, indicating that he wanted a treat first, before his journey; rolling his eyes, Severus then went into the kitchen and picked an owl treat out of the box, giving it to Tobias, before waiting for him to finish it. Sighing again, he thought to himself, 'This is completely, utterly pointless really, even if Lily is willing to become acquaintances with me, knowing that I am a Death Eater, that's the best I can really hope to achieve if I send this letter. I really would give anything if it would win her heart, but...'

Severus then paused, ignoring Tobias, who was apparently ready for his task, thinking to himself furiously. If he sent this letter, that was it; he would be giving up on Lily once and for all, no take-backs, and Potter would have her. Really, as much as the things he had gotten from being a Death Eater had seemed good to him when he was in school, they had paled in comparison to how Lily's mere friendship had made him feel, and going on without that seemed only a half-life to him...

Standing up, Severus started to pace, biting his lip as he thought furiously, while his owl, having grown impatient, had flown back to his perch where he sat most days, being about as lazy as the original Tobias had been. The problem had grown rather simple: he wanted Lily, best friend or more, whatever the cost to him, but even if he gave up the Death Eaters, in all likelihood Potter would keep him as far away from Lily as possible.

This meant that, to gain Lily back, Potter would have to be dealt with, which would be an easy task, as he could simply kill him and hide the body, if it weren't for the facts that he owed Potter a Life-Debt and, quite frankly, he didn't fancy the prospect of actually killing someone, even if it was for Lily. As killing him wasn't an option, Severus' job was far more difficult, and would probably involve a lot of risk.

'I can't hope to get Lily's friendship, let alone love, if she is married to Potter, so I will have to stop them from marrying somehow, no easy task; while Potter was cruel and malicious to me, he was in all likelihood just perfect to Lily, and I SERIOUSLY doubt that he would have been foolish enough to have an affair...'

Severus spent nearly an hour pacing, coming to the conclusion that his best chance, which would be EXTREMELY risky to him, would have no better than maybe a five percent chance at working, and in order to take this chance, he would have to give up on the Death Eaters and guarentee that, if he lost, Potter would make sure that he never saw hide nor hair of her again.

As such, he picked up the original letter and was about to send it off, knowing that a half-life was better than what would probably be no life at all, when he paused suddenly, remembering the last time he had made a decision like this, outside the portrait hole to Gryffindor after the incident down by the lake after O.W.L.s. Rather than telling Lily the reason that he thought she was different was because he loved her, which might have, perhaps, gotten him another chance with her, to win her, he had chickened out, not wanting to be completely destroyed by her rejection.

Even now, he regretted not confessing his feelings to her then, as it had caused him to live this pathetic half-life, always wondering what would have happened, rather than taking a chance and risking it all to win her. It would be almost as bad as dying in Severus' eyes if he made the same choice a second time...

He suddenly remembered a muggle saying that his father had taught him, one of the few things the man had said that Severus had honestly thought might be worth remembering, a quote from an old english playwright, "Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once."; at the time, it had made him think of reckless Gryffindors, but now he understood the point: there was a difference between risking everything to get something of great value and risking one's well-being for nothing of importance.

To Severus, Lily Evans was everything, meaning more to him than anything in the world; he would give up everything he owned if it meant the chance to hold her in his arms, smile with her, and perhaps marry her, as without her, the world was just too dark to contemplate. Severus then smiled, having reached his conclusion...

Tossing the original letter into the fire without a backwards glance, Severus then apparated into Diagon Alley, knowing that what he needed to buy for this to have the slightest prayer of working would drain his bank account.

Quickly buying what he needed, Severus then apparated back home and began composing a new message, taking time to make sure that it was as even and calm as possible, knowing that frantic begging and pleading would get him nowhere with her, and that cold logic was his best bet, even if what he were doing was not logical at all.

Spending several hours on the letter, knowing that persuading her to even consider what he was asking was a long-shot, Severus made sure that every line, every word, every syllable was perfectly tailored towards his goal, then he prepared the package he was about to send, being extremely careful given how much he had paid for it. Even though that part required great care as well, he was soon finished.

Smirking, he called for Tobias again; although the bird was still clearly angry about how he had been treated the first time, Severus eventually persuaded him, giving him both the letter and the package to take to Lily. Completely exhausted, Severus then went to sleep, knowing that it would be several days before the owl arrived, considering that Lily was currently living in the Potter Mansion with her future husband, so he had plenty of time tomorrow to talk to Dumbledore and make him his offer to join the Order.

Severus then chuckled, knowing that, in all likelihood, he had signed his own death warrent for no reason, but not caring, as he now felt at peace for the first time in years. Either he would win Lily Evans' heart, or he would die trying. 'Win or lose, I will truly only taste of death but once...Besides, at least it will light a fire under James Potter's bulbous behind like no other!'

Author's Note: Severus may seem very much out of character, but the way I view it, upon hearing of Lily's upcoming wedding to James, he had two options: give up (for all intents and purposes), or go for broke. While the majority of the time, Severus would probably give up rather than risking himself like this, in this AU he has come to the conclusion that, for him, giving up would be almost as bad as dying.

In simple terms, giving up is effectively a lose-lose situation, while going for broke is win-lose; what idiot would choose the former when he could get the latter? As such, Severus, feeling he has little to nothing left to lose, has decided to gamble with everything he has left, praying for a lucky roll of the dice, not because he is being foolish, but because he is being pragmatic.

Will he succeed? Maybe, maybe not, but, even if he loses, he will at least have the blessing of knowing he tried his best, and understanding that it just wasn't meant to be, not in that time-line at least. Like the title says (Translated): 'In understanding, peace'.

I would also like to thank the beautiful work by ApollinaV, the writer of 'The Gilded Cage', which gave me the idea for this, as well as the title, in the form of a book written by Severus while still in Azkaban. (It is a SSHG fanfic with a fair quantity of lemons, but it is really, REALLY good nonetheless, so if you have any interest in that ship, I STRONGLY encourage you to check it out, assuming that you don't mind explicit citrus).