Annie felt certain that of all the ways that the capital could hurt them, making Finnick doubt their love was not one of them. But when Finnick returned from the capitol this time it was different.
The games were over, the second since Annie's own. They had finished weeks ago, Annie had found herself sitting with Mags, taking gasping breaths as though she could barely get any air, as a bleeding and broken boy was frozen in place on the ladder of a hovercraft and an announcer boomed his victory announcement around an almost empty arena. But that was weeks ago, the boy had taken some time healing and being patched up into something flawless to watch his recaps and attend victory parties, parties Finnick would be required to attend. The weeks had allowed Annie some time to begin putting herself back together again, and although she was functioning again, and not needing Mags's help or reminders to manage the basic tasks of life, she knew she would not feel whole until she connected with Finnick again.
It had been the same last games, and she was not even officially dating Finnick that year. She had been so broken still when he finally got home that she hadn't even realised how being back with her had helped Finnick about as much as it had helped her. She had noticed how much she helped him, after the victory tour later that year that he was required to attend, through which she had suffered his absence but had not been forced to watch a traumatising game of children violently fighting to the death at the same time.
She wasn't sure what day the celebrations would quiet down enough that the Capitol would release him, but she had thought that he would seek her out once he felt he could. Instead she woke early one morning, looked out her window and saw a Finnick shaped shadow sitting in the sand of the beach. She threw on some clothes and made her way down to him.
Finnick sat with his elbows on his knees, resting his head on his crossed arms, he ducked his head slightly to look her way as she approached, but once he confirmed it was her, he put his face back in his arms. His back jerked as a sob escaped and Annie's worry increased. She knew what they did to him in the Capitol, or the outline of it anyway, Finnick didn't discuss details, he didn't want to think about it in a vivid enough way to describe it, and although she sometimes wondered, she knew enough, she didn't realy want the images that details would put in her head. She knew that this would be a completely normal way to react to what he had just been through. But still it terrified her, because this was not the way that he normally reacted.
As she sat down next to him, she managed to see the tears on his mostly hidden face, and although a thought raced through her mind that this might be a more healthy way to deal with it than his normal methods, she was still terrified by the question of what braught this on, and terrified by being confronted with his full emotions which were normally so subtle that she had to pick up little ques and pay attention to the things she had slowly learnt to look for, to know that he was hurting.
They sat like that for some time, without saying anything. Annie hoped that her presence was comforting, but she wasn't sure. Eventually she asked "Finnick?" Unable to put words to the swirl of questions whirling through her mind, but knowing that he would understand. And that he would appreciate the opportunity to choose which of those many questions he was up to answering.
He answered a small collection of those questions, jumping from one to the other, sometimes without being able to finish a thought out loud. "Every time I think that they have done every thing they could, there is something new, something I couldn't have imagined ... I didn't think they could hurt me here, back home, in my head ... They have owned my body for years, I thought I could keep my mind ... I thought I could keep what happened seperate, out of the district, away from you." Finnick huffed a frustrated sigh through a sob. And Annie knew what was frustrating him, he was normally so good with words, he could say just about anything in just about any way, he could normally carry on two conversations with one set of words, giving the intended meaning to only the intended recipient. He knew how little sense he was making, and Annie knew exactly how frustrating that was.
Annie asked him what she normally asked herself when she couldn't make sense, "What is this all about? What's the main point?"
"You"
Finnick looked into her eyes for the first time since he got back "I need you Annie, I love you." Then he looked away and curled into himself a little more staring out into the still dark waves "I think I love you at least, but what if I'm wrong, what if I just think that because I need you"
Annie was confused, she was sure she needed Finnick more than he needed her, and that had never made her doubt her love of him, that just didn't make sense.
"That doesn't make sence Finnick, I love you, and I need you much more than you need me, I know I love you and I don't know what I'd do without you."
Finnicks voice was dark "I know exactly where I'd be without you Annie, I'd be dead"
Finnick had implied as much to her previously, when she had voiced her unease at needing him so much, how it didn't feel fair that he was always the one putting her back together, how she didn't want to keep burdening him with that. But those words and implications had always seemed like they were said for her comfort, an imagined time line that could never happen, or an exaggeration of what she'd just expressed of the loss and depression he would feel without her. But this time, it sounded certain, like an actual planned event. One that she hoped would never happen, didn't even want to imagine.
Annie shook her head roughly as though trying to dislodge the feeling that those words, with that certainty, had roused in her. "No Finnick, you're strong, outside and in, you made it for years without knowing me, you could keep going."
"I didn't want to tell you about it" Finnick began shaking his own head "but it's the only way to convince you I do need you" he paused and when he started talking again his voice was a bit more flat distancing the words from their feelings. "I was going to kill myself when you died, but then you didn't."
Annie didn't say anything, she didn't have to, the look on her face was screaming 'What?' far louder than she could.
Finnick rubbed a hand through his hair and took a deep breath, Annie could tell he was gearing up for an uncomfortable story, and she realised that they had sidetracked from the main point, she wondered if that was his plan, to tell one uncomfortable truth to avoid a worse one. But she needed to know about this. She made a mental note to ask about the main point later.
"You know I was 14 when I won, I came back here, and I was a bit of a wreck to start with, like all victors are, but they gave me the keys to my house and my winnings, and I had a future. It even looked like a good one from back there. Then I turned 16 and ..." He trailed off and glanced at Annie, she nodded, she knew what changed for him at 16, she wasn't going to make him say it when he didn't have to. "And it was horrible, but I came back here and I tried to leave it all behind in the Capitol, a little followed me back but mostly I was able to put it aside and do things here, I swam and fished and I hung out with my old friends after school, I made myself a new routine, and things, here at least, we're good."
"Then I turned 18 and my clients increased, lots, and there were more of them that were into weirder things, and I just barely got through it by thinking that I'd be back in 4 soon, able to forget it all and have fun with my friends. But when I got home, it was still all too much, I couldn't just put it aside, things kept popping into my head when I didn't want them to. And my friends had all started working, some just worked really long hours, but most went out on the haulers, away for weeks at a time and barely back for any time between trips. I couldn't fill my days, I had Mags, but that wasn't the same as friends my age. I'd never felt so alone or bored or useless before. I tried to get a job for something to do and to feel useful again, but I hadn't even finished high-school, I didn't have a trade or any skills other than fighting. Even for the jobs that didn't need anything, I was turned away and told that it would go to someone who needed the work and money, not a victor. I started to feel like the only thing I was any good for was as something to fuck."
Finnick paused a moment blinking as if he only just realised that he'd said that out loud, then he continued, "Then it was your games, and during the reaping I realised what I was going back to, and that this time I wouldn't be able to hold onto the hope of coming home. But I saw you and Erik walk up on stage, and I knew what it was like to be a kid walking into the hunger games, I couldn't leave you a mentor down for that, so I decided to wait until you died and then kill myself at the next opportunity."
Annie was upset to learn what had been going through his mind when they had met and during her games prep, but she was also annoyed "You wrote me off for dead, like all those people write me off as crazy" she said all her anger at that showing in her voice.
Finnick laughed, "I thought you had almost as much chance as a fully trained career, but I'd taken 8 of them to the games and not brought any home." Annie nodded, her anger gone but her distress remained, she tried to remember what Finnick had been like at that time, but she had been too occupied by her upcoming games to notice any of his subtle signals, if he'd given any at all. She nodded for him to continue.
Annie had distracted him, even getting him to laugh, leaving Finnick a little less detatched and a little more distracted by memories and distress, she could hear it in his voice when he continued. "After you panicked and ran, hiding, I was so out of it, waiting for the end that I started taking my cues from you, following you in life as I planned to in death. You were zoned out but still you came down to the river a few times a day for a drink, you nibbled the bread we sent you, you kept doing what you had to do to live, if nothing more. So that was what I did too, just what I had to do."
"Then the dam broke, and you let the water push you where it went, taking breaths where you could, and just floating once it slowed enough, floating where the current took you. And I thought, for the first time that you would win. And that I was of no more use to you. With you probably surviving, I wasn't quite so certain what to do, it changed my plans, but I wasn't yet sure how."
Threre was silence for a moment as Annie tried to take that in, tried to think back on her games with a bit more distance, trying not to relive it. Finnick was trying to gather himself together for what was to come next.
After a short silence he continued, his voice flat again. "I knew I couldn't kill myself in the training centre, it was going to have to be with a client. I had 2 clients while you were floating in the arena. They were both brutal. The first one left me with plenty of motivation to end it, but no opportunity. The second did leave me an opportunity, but not until the end. I panicked while she was tying me up, I looked spotless of course but I didn't feel fully healed from the night before and I wasn't sure how I would handle another night like that so soon. I thaught of you, floating, letting the current push you where it went, it was too strong to fight, keeping your head up and relaxing into it. I tried to do the same. Relax into it, let her push my body where it went, try to keep my head up, keep breathing, keep my mind out of it. There was no fighting it. There never was, but I stopped needing to fight the urge to fight it. It made it so much more bearable. When she left me in her bathroom alone to clean up, I thaught of you, how much you just helped me, without even trying. I thaught of how much Mags helped me after my games. I decided to at least be there for that for you, and see how things went from there."
"When we got home, you were so clearly still hurt from your games, I put every effort I had into helping you recover, I didn't even realise how much of the Capitol I put aside in my mind so that I could focus on you. Then as you got better, I started to get to know you and I realised I liked you, as a person, as a friend. I wasn't lonely anymore, with your company, doing things with you stopped the excessive boredom, and helping you heal gave me purpose, I didn't feel useless anymore. You taught me teqniques to get through the Capitol, making it more bearable as well as giving me something to hang onto, looking forward to coming back to you."
Annie nodded her head, finally accepting that Finnick did need her as much as she needed him. They sat like that for some time, Annie absorbing the heartbreak that came from what Finnick had told her. The sun had risen at some point in them middle of the story without either of them noticing it. Annie was surprised by the sudden realisation that the sun was well and truly up. She remembered her earlier thought about the main point. But before she raised it Finnick began to speak again. He must have been watching her waiting for her to be ready, rather than trying for a diversion as she had believed. "I need you Annie, I need you like I need water, and I feel like I love you, but what if I'm wrong."
Annie was still confused, "I don't understand Finnick, you need me, I know that now, but I need you too, and I love you, how could needing you change that? What's making you think that you might not love me?"
Finnick brushed his hand through his hair again, grabbing a handful at the front and giving it a tug this time. "It's something a client did."
In that moment Annie understood at least why he had been sitting out here on the beach when he got home, and why he was telling her such long uncomfortable stories. He had something he had to tell her. That he felt she had to know and understand, that was truly important. But it was something he'd discovered with a client, a recent horrible memory that he didn't want to relive, but he didn't know how to tell her the important information without the details that had made him realise it. He was trying to find a way to tell her about something that you could probably only learn from experience, without having to explain the experience.
What Annie couldn't understand was what a client could possibly do to make him doubt their love. When their relationship had still been new, and Annie insecure, he had assured her that he did not find them attractive, he did not want to be there, do that with them, and that you had to know someone to truly love them "how could you love someone for who they are, if you don't even know who that is?" He'd said. And that he had no interest in knowing them, and they had no intrest in knowing him.
She tried to guess, although she had no idea, since it was so clear that Finnick was struggling to get out what he had to. "If there is something you've found out you like, I'm ok to try it"
Finnick sounded like he was chocking on the mix of a laugh and a sob that he let out at that. "No, Defidently not. And you shouldn't make offers like that without even knowing details." He sounded stern by the end.
"Only to you" Annie replied "You could tell me about it at least, we could try it if we're both comfortable with it, and not try or stop trying if we're not."
"Oh yea, I forgot about that option." Finnick replied "It doesn't matter though, it's nothing like that." Annie frowned, it always mattered to her when he forgot about concent. She wasn't worried about him abusing her, she knew he'd stop the moment she hinted at anything negative, but she worried that she might do something he didn't want, and he'd forget that he could ask her to stop. That and it spoke about just how deeply the Capitol had hurt him, that he didn't even realise it, said it didn't matter, just made it worse.
"What happened Finn?" She prompted after a short pause allowing their hands to touch but not forcing it, wanting to give him physical comfort but being unsure if it would comfort or distress him in this moment.
Finnick squeazed her hand taking that bit of comfort. This time when he spoke his voice was completely detatched. " I'm not normally with a client for more than a night, but I had one for some days continuously this time. He wasn't really that bad, he was just a total control freak. He wouldn't let me do anything without his permission." His voice dropped as though even detatched as he was there was still too much shame and embarrassment in the words to say them audibly and Annie had to lean in a little to hear. "Not even meet my basic needs."
Annie gasped at the thaught "He made you beg to...?" She didn't even know 'to what?' But it didn't matter what, she knew one of the things Finnick hated most about what they did to him was his lack of control. That and feeling weak and pathetic for 'letting' it happen, although he was and did no such thing as far as she was concerned.
"oh no, begging just got me hurt, and delayed what I'd asked for. He made sure I learnt that early." He had let go of her hand, and though his face was stiff, not letting the feelings in, he was no longer looking her way. He was staring at a boat out to sea just slightly in the other direction. Annie was glad for the fact that his reluctance to look at her meant he hadn't seen the tears that started streaming down her face.
"He didn't let me drink, for a while. I got so dehydrated, I'm a mentor and I've seen what that does to people, I've seen kids die from it, and die from making stupid decisions because it stopped them from thinking straight. But I'd never felt it. Even in my games I had so many sponsers, I wasn't ever thirsty."
"My head was throbbing, I was so dizzy, and so weak, I wasn't even bleeding normally, and for maybe half a day or more, I couldn't think about anything other than water. It started with strategy, wondering if he'd forgotten I needed it, if I could ask for some and get it eventually, or if trying that would kill me, if I could get myself to a tap, or anything with water really, but then it was just longing, I just wanted some, I couldn't even think about how to get it anymore."
"When he got back, he finally let me have some water, he made me drink it from his hands, but I'd been expecting so much worse, and I was so desperate, I needed it. I was so greatful, not pretending or anything, really, truly, overwhelmingly, grateful. Which I know is so messed up. I know I shouldn't be grateful, that I only didn't have water because he stopped it. That I shouldn't be grateful to someone for allowing me to live, or for no longer hurting me so much. But I was, still am a bit. And I know I shouldn't be. But I still felt it. And it made me question everything I've felt."
A few tears fell from his eyes, his face matching hers, the next part he couldn't stay detatched for. "What if I don't really love you, what if I just think I do, because I need you like I needed that water? Or what if I just fell for the first girl who wouldn't rape me?"
He still hadn't looked at her. "Maybe I should rape you to find out?" Annie replied quickly before what she said hit her, and she worried because he was the one who normally made dark jokes like that, and he was the one who knew how he'd react to them, what if this was the wrong time, what if it was too close for him, what if, he actually didn't realise she was joking and thought she'd do it. But he looked at her again and though he was still quietly crying he was also smiling a small smile at her.
Annie began talking again without real knowledge of what she was going to say. While she would have liked some time to absorb and prosess what he had told her, she knew that would have to wait. He needed to hear the hazy concept that was seeping into her brain, and he needed it while she had his attention and hope, with that small smile she was looking at.
"I love you Finnick, and I need you. I need you to hold onto when my world is spinning out of control, I need you to remind me that I'm not a monster, just a normal kid who was thrown into an impossible situation, I need you because you are what makes me still worth something to someone, even if it's only to you. And I love you for all of that. But I also love you for your sence of humor, your kind heart and compassion, the care you show for everyone around you, your determination, the way you move when you swim, and your laugh, the way you warm my toes after a cold walk or swim, the way you look at me, the way you know me, better than I do, and the way you love me more than I do too."
There were still tears in his eyes but his smile had begun to reach his eyes too. "When you started to get to know me, when you started to like me, what did you like about me? The things you didn't need?"
"I liked that you wanted to know me, the real me, I liked the amazing aroma of your cooking, I like your laugh, and that you laugh at my jokes, even the lame and wrong ones, I like the way you don't give up, and the look in your eyes when your being mischievous, and the way your hair falls when it's wet, the feel of your skin, your smile. And I love that you love me, even though you do know the real me."
They were both smiling brightly through their tears "Would that be enough to love me, even if there was nothing else?" Annie asked
Finnick twisted from where he was sitting throwing himself into Annie's arms, burying his head into her shoulder and hair and wrapping his arms around her. "Yes. Yes. Your the most amazing person ever, and I love you, beyond all words."
"And I love you, just as much" Annie replied wrapping her arms around him.
"Thank you, for reminding me."
They sat like that for a while before it became too uncomfortable, and they adjusted the position to a more comfortable cuddling, both feeling full and happy and content in each others arms, on the sand under the warm sun for the afternoon. Their words of love bolstering their spirits.
In the nights to come, they each had their share of nightmares and disturbances as they prossesed the last few months and the more disturbing aspects of their conversation. But through it all they were there for each other, both more confident in their relationship and love and the fact that they were not ruining it for the other one, than they ever had been before.