Monologue of Melancholy
Merlin has been executed by Uther Pendragon for the use of magic, and left his best friend and lover, Arthur, alone. 20 years later, he recalls the events leading to his execution. (Arthur) (Hurt)
Rated TEEN for suggestive sex scenes
Disclaimer: I didn't really want to write a smutful story for this because I didn't want to focus on the actions (believe me, it's all happening up here *points to head*) but on Arthur's emotions, and how HE recalled the moments. I know it's not really in my style to write anything BUT smut, but, well, I wanted it to be a sensitive thing, so I am proud to announce my SAFE FOR SCHOOL stamp on this fanfiction xD
And a little less importantly, don't own Merlin or whatnot. Not like they're going to hunt me down for NOT saying it.
It's too hard to accept you are really gone. It feels, funny enough, like the magic in my life has gone. I never thought it would come to this, Merlin. I wish this never happened. I wish I could of saved you from the cruel autocratic laws of my father, King Pendragon. I wish I could of told you I loved you, but it's too late. It's a burden I will forever hold. However, there are so much happiness I hold in my heart for you, and hopefully one day, the memories and the nostalgia will overcome the feeling of hopelessness and guilt. If I may, I would like to recall our last day together. I endeavour to forever cherish these in my heart, and I hope, even in death, that you will too.
I remember when we snuck into the fields and made love until dawn. You grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the castle, into the fields, illuminated by nothing but moonlight, leaning in closely to us, running through the fields.
"Merlin, where are you taking me?" I asked, trying to catch up with your demaning tug. You looked back and smiled at me.
"To the end-field. Hurry up!" you said, running faster. I'm losing my breath in this warm summer night. We entered the forest and dodged trees and leapt over stones and small creeks. We stopped at the end of the forest and we found ourselves in the end-field, merely miles of tallgrass. I slowed my pace to a walk, trying to regain my strength lost from running through the fields. We were technically outside of the kingdom, and in free land. You walked on, disappearing into the tallgrass.
"Wait! Its dangerous in there!" I called to you as I pulled my sword out, swishing at the grass. You seemed to appear out of nowhere, and ended up almost having half a face. In horror, I dropped my sword.
"Oh my, I'm sorry, Merlin!" I said. You shrugged.
"It doesn't matter" you said.
"Why are we here?" I asked, after a few moments of silence.
"I..." you began. You stepped closer to me, hair breadth at a time, raising the tension between us. You cupped my face and stared into my eyes.
"I need you, Arthur" you whispered. I was in a catatonic state of shock. I couldn't feel my body. All I felt was my burning desire for you. I looked back towards the castle, despite not being able to see it. I looked back at you, who at this stage, had let go of me and began to walk off.
"Merlin!" I called to you. You stopped and looked back, morosely.
"I need you too" I said. I pulled you close to me and pressed my lips against yours. Your hands caressed me and stripped me of my armour, like I had taught you all that time ago. We delved into each other, clawing desperately on each other's skin and crying each other's name. We continued until the night's early dawn, exhausted, naked and gleaming from our newfound pleasure. This was when I discovered you could use magic. No one else could ever make me feel this way without aid, surely. I remember feeling the sun warming my back as I drew closer to heaven, with you beneath me. I remember the sweat on you glistening as the sun dawned upon our bond. I couldn't recall a happier memory of you, Merlin. How your eyes glinted in the moonlight, and in the dawn. I remember that it was the last time I saw you smile.
As much as it crushes me to do so, I must also force myself to remember later that day, the day you were executed.
Lies, I thought. This couldn't be true. I turned to you, my eyes pleaded for you to say it was a false accusation, and that you can't use magic. Your eyes did not meet with mine. Instead, your bright blue eyes stared into the ground.
"No..." I whispered. The guards, who delivered the sentence, turned to leave.
"You have one hour, Merlin" one said before shutting the door behind him. We stood alone, the silence was almost driving me insane. You lift your eyes to seek mine, and I noticed tiny droplets descend from the normally wonderous, large blue eyes that you once held. All I saw in those eyes now was a destroyed man.
"I'm sorry, Arthur. I was just born this way. I never used magic on you, though. I swear it" you said, in a broken voice. I walked closer to you and clasped your shaking hands.
"Yes you did - in the tallgrass. I thought that had to be magic, for me to feel so alive" I said, smiling weakly. The corners of your mouth rose momentarily before sinking. You forced yourself into my arms and dug your head into my chest.
"I wanted to live forever after last night, and now it seems it was my last" his voice was muffled by my chain mail and tunic. I raised a hand and let my bare fingers twirl through your dark hair. I sighed, fighting the tears that were tempted to roll down my face.
"As did I" I said, after clearing my throat. Your head lifted off my chest and gave me a soft kiss. I placed my hands on your waist and pull your body close to mine and lean further into the kiss. It will be the last one we ever share; I never want to forget this moment. Your soft, skinny hands cupped my face as my arms wrapped around you. I let go, and you pulled away.
"You'd better go say goodbye to everyone else" I said. You nodded, and kissed my cheek.
"Goodbye, Arthur"
"Goodbye, Merlin"
I saw myself out the small house and returned to the castle.
An hour passed, and my father and I were perched on a balcony, overseeing the town square. I saw you being pushed to the chopping block, with you facing me. Father rattled on a spiel about magic, and how its forbidden. Then came the worst of it. The executioner lifted his axe, slowly. As it reached the zenith, the most peculiar thing happened. You looked up at me.
"I love you, Arthur!" you bellowed. It echoed the entire court. Many shocked faces belonged in the pit of inbred mongrels that stand below me. One very displeased face belonging to my father. The axe swung down, and blood sprayed everywhere. Your head - bearing the eyes I adored, the lips I kissed and the ratty hair I combed with my fingers - rolled into the basket below. What affected me the most was your head lied face up and stared right at me. That was the breaking point at which I lost my composure. My eyes flowed with supressed tears and anguish. My father walked away, disgraced at me.
"Merlin!" I called down to your lifeless body. I watched as the masked man took away your body. My happiness terminated on that very day.
I can still see your lifeless face look up at me from the blood-painted weaver basket. It horrifies me. But, I also see the life that used to reside behind those brilliant eyes. The eyes you had for no other but me. I do love you, Merlin. I miss you so. I just wish that you could be here with me. Sure, it's been 20 years and I've taken over the kingdom with Morgana at my side, but she couldn't provide the love you gave to me. No one ever will. Merlin, I plea to you, hear me now. I love you. I loved you then, I love you now and I will continue to love you. I strongly anticipate the day we can be together for eternity in another lifetime. A constraintless, happy life where no one shall curse you for the magic which made you the best friend and lover I could ever have hoped for. Until then, my precious...
END
Dedicated to Declan Fionn.
Sorry I couldn't save you, little brother