Not Even for Her
A Draco and Hermione one-shot
I don't have time for love. I have to do as I was told. I was chosen for this out of everyone else, it was me. I should be proud but instead I'm afraid. I don't think I can do it, but I have to. I need to be strong.
I can't afford to be thinking about her. I can't worry about how she might have to suffer for this in the end. I can't think of her at all. She doesn't matter and she never has.
If that's true though then why is she the first and only thing on my mind all the time? Why do I think about her so much? Why do I worry? If she doesn't matter then I should be able to ignore her, to hate her, but I can't. I can't even dream of hurting her, but with this, I know I will be.
I know she'll suffer in the end and I know we'll have to fight against her, so why do I continue to do this? In all forms of honesty, I have no idea. At this point I'm just trying to ignore her and forget about her to the best of my ability.
Maybe though, he'll actually be able to stop us. He's supposed to be the chosen one maybe he'll come through for everyone like he's supposed to. Maybe he'll be able to save her the way I can't. No, I shouldn't rely on him, his help or anything. He's the enemy. He'll end up dead. He'll end up killing him, I'm sure but then what will happen to her?
I know I shouldn't think about it but I have to. She's always on my mind. I think about her far too much, I know. I know it's obvious but she makes me happy. She makes me worry though. She makes me want to believe in him, the chosen one. She makes me want to trust him when I should hate him. I should despise him like no other but I can't. I want him to save everyone; I want him to kill him.
I just wish these thought didn't taunt me. I wish that I could forget it all but I must no speak that. I must not speak of doubts or of his downfall. Those kinds of things may end up getting me killed.
I don't want to die. I'm weak and afraid. I value my life when I should be willing to risk it. I don't know how he is able to carry all of this and more on his shoulders, but if he can I should be able to too. I can't though and I don't understand why. Why is this so hard and unbearable?
He's always been stronger then me, better then me. I've always hated him for it but I never dreamed of having to go through all this against him. I'm afraid, I admit, but only to myself. No one else can know.
I sit down, burying my face in my hands. This very bad, I can't think of him, or of her. They both have to die for going and fighting against him. I should agree and understand that but I don't. I don't want to see her die and I don't want to see him lose against him. I want him to win this fight and keep her safe. That's what I really want, more then anything else.
I just can't say or admit any of that allowed. I'm not even safe admitting it to myself. I shouldn't admit it even to myself, he could hear, he could read my mind. I could lose my life if he finds out. My loyalties must lie with him; I can't turn against him, not even to help protect her.
According to him, no one's life matters unless he says so. To him, her life means nothing; she is nothing but a muggle born girl. She's nothing but scum, a mud-blood, that's it. There's nothing else. To me there is though because that's not all she is, not to me.
To be she's brilliant, smart, quick, and strong, she's perfect to me. My opinion, my thoughts don't matter in the end though. I am merely here to fulfill his demands, whatever they may be. I can't just say no. I can't risk my life, not like he does, not like she does. I'm not strong like that; I'm not brave like that. I'm not like them, not at all. I almost wish he might see that, but if he did, maybe he would end my life.