Home

Ryan found it unbearable hard to go home. His stomach churned, bile rose up his throat and cold sweat broke out on his forehead and on his hands at the mere thought of the place where he lived. His feet were glued o the ground and his legs filled with stones anyway, so he could not move ever again. He was completely unable to stand up, drive his car through the city and enter through the door of his own house. He couldn't face the damage he'd done.

He had been so stupid, so unbelievably stupid, not just in the last weeks but for the whole last year. He normally knew better than to get involved with a co-worker, but he could at least partly blame that on Eric and Erika. Without them making his life harder than it already was, he would have never been so easily persuaded by Dan's friendly words and genuine smile. No one could blame him for wanting a bit human closeness and affection, a nice word or a smile with no second thoughts behind them.

And he could blame Horatio for giving him the task of finding the mole. Horatio planted these suspicions in him.

But if Ryan was honest with himself, it was all his fault. He said yes when Dan had asked him out, he had kissed Dan for the first time, he had Dan made his prime subject, he had hurt Dan and now he was too much of a coward to go home and face the damage he'd done.

Ryan put his legs up, pressed his arms against his face and tried to stop the tears that spilled from his eyes. An useless endeavour. He knew that anyone could walk in on him but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was to drown in his own in misery.

'Ryan? Baby, what's up? Why are you not home?' Ryan felt both glad and ashamed that it was Alexx who found him like this. He didn't look up but he could feel her warmth as she sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He felt guilty that she still comforted him, after everything he'd done to her.

'Shh, Baby, what's up?'

He looked at her with watery eyes.

'I fucked up, Alexx, I really, really fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me and I threw it all away because of a few suspicions.'

She gently took the photo from his hands and sighed.

'I didn't know you two were together.'

'No one knew.' A painful, hurt laugh escaped his lips: 'And no one ever will. I made him my prime suspect, I had no faith in him, I lied to him again and again. He cared for me and I lied straight in his face without thinking twice. And to make it only worse, I attacked and accused him in front of the whole lab. I didn't think, I mean it's not like I don't know that Dan likes to gossip, especially after a few drinks.' His voice broke. He remembered bits of gossip that Dan had told him, how they had laughed together of the most absurd rumours. The memory threatened to overwhelm him and he hid his face in his arms again. Alexx's hand skimmed soothingly over his hair but it only made it worse since he treated her not better than Dan.

'You should go to him and apologise. Sometimes the people we hurt forgive us for reasons we can only dream of.'

'I' he began but she cut him off by cupping his face in her hands:

'No, Ryan. Go to him, apologise, beg, lie down on his feet or offer him a whip and your bare back but don't stay here and tear your hair out.'

'How could he possibly forgive me?'

'You'll never know if you don't go to him.' She pressed the photo against his chest and shoved him off of the bench.

'Go!'

'Hi Dan.'

'What do you want Ryan?' Dan's face was a cold, indifferent mask.

'I'm sorry…Dan I'm so very sorry.' Now that he had opened his mouth he couldn't stop. The words spilled out of his mouth as did the tears in his eyes.

'I've been so stupid. I was wrong. I acted like a complete asshole. I lied to you again and again and I used the trust you gave me and there's nothing I can say or do to show you how sorry I am. I just…I love and I don't want to lose you although I know that you will leave me but please,' his voice became a mere, broken whisper: 'Please don't leave me, do what you want but don't leave, please don't.'

Dan crossed the space between them, grabbed Ryan by the lapels of his jacket and shoved him against the next wall.

'You're an asshole!' He yelled: 'A fucking asshole and I should be out of that door already because it took you a lot of time to show up here! You think you can just come in here and apologise and everything will be okay?'

'No, Dan I…' but Dan wasn't finished:

'You didn't think once. You just accused me despite everything. And now you come here and tell me you love me but how can believe you that the past months weren't just a disguise for you? How can I trust you ever again?'

Dan rested his forehead against Ryan's shoulder and repeated:

'How can I trust you, Ryan?' Ryan felt the wetness of Dan's tears through his clothes but he didn't dare to move, to embrace Dan like he would have done just yesterday.

'I love you Ryan. Damn you for making me love you.' And only now Ryan wrapped his arms around Dan and repeated softly, again and again:

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, please stay, please don't leave me I love you I'm sorry, please believe me I'm sorry.' He clung to Dan because he was afraid that if he stopped speaking or even let go he would lose him.