Heeeeey! I can't believe I'm doing this. For my Twilight readers, sorry this isn't another Twilight fic. But for the last several months, I've fallen into the wormhole of the Dan and Phil fandom. I have no idea why I didn't get into this YouTube duo sooner! They're hilarious, and I can relate to their awkwardness. Based by the few Dan and Phil fics I read, I get why Phan is shippable. It's goddamn adorable, even if I prefer Dan x reader or Phil x reader better, because hey, I too am a proud member of the YouTube figure x reader romance reading department.
I wrote this fic because I think I prefer Dan/Phil as a sentimental pair. I'm not used to slash (I lean toward het or femslash), though I read enough to know what goes on. These two are deep with words, so why not make a story that reflects that? By scouring the web for Dan and Phil images, my head came up with a story involving a kiss between the duo.
I'll warn you now. If you don't like angst or aren't in the mood to have the feels, look away. If you do, I hope it lives to your standards. ^_^ Enjoy, and save your rotting tomatoes till the end.
One year. It has been one year since the incident happened. Three hundred and sixty four whole days since that moment passed between them and set his brain in torsion. Many, many hours between then and now.
At midnight on day 364, a raven-haired boy with blue eyes lies awake in bed, his mind drifting back to that night. It should have been expected, considering that the world would have wanted to live in that moment with them. Instead, it became a moment he wishes to forget, just like Dan did.
Dan.
Phil sighs. Dan's asleep. Asleep and unaware of what he's thinking.
"You're crazy," Phil says to himself. "Dan let it go. You should too."
So why can't he?
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
"Another whoo-hoo," Dan laughs, watching as the virtual figure that is Dil Howlter romancing his virtual girlfriend, Tabitha Casper. "Should we do it? I mean, he does need it."
"Do it!" Phil encourages. "They haven't whoo-hooed in a rocket ship yet."
"Sure, because It's every girl's dream to whoo-hoo in space."
"Maybe not for every girl, but if Tabitha wants it, let her."
It's what Dil would want, right? Dil is their responsibility, and it's their job to keep their virtual creation happy. For a virtual figure, Phil is envious that Dil is living a better life than them. Not that he doesn't enjoy the YouTube lifestyle. At least he gets to do what he loves. With Dil, the virtual adult has countless possibilities of where his life could go, one hundred percent controlled by Dan and Phil.
If only the same could be done with Phil's life. He wishes he could choose how momentous events would occur in his life. Perhaps that could be the case in a parallel universe. But in the reality he lives in, most of his life relies on chance. If he had his way, he could have controlled the aftermath of that night.
With a simple click of the mouse, Phil watches the scene unfold. As Dil and Tabitha proceed to whoo-hoo in a rocket ship blasting off in outer space, his imagination visualizes him and his best friend doing the same thing. He imagines jumping into the rocket ship with Dan and doing all the dirty things the phangirls (and phanboys) write and produce art on all the time. He imagines snuggled up with Dan post-sex and whispering sweet-nothings in his ears.
He resists making sidelong glances at Dan. If he did, the world would know. The world would see beneath the subtle gestures and realize before Dan that he doesn't see Dan as a mere friend. He wants more than that. So much that he sacrificed a love life for a possibility that could never happen.
It's what he holds on to. Living in his fantasies are better than pursuing a lie.
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
Her name is Aubrey, and Phil hates her with every fiber of his being.
He knew that day would come. He knew there would come a time when a pretty girl would capture Dan's attention and become another important figure in his best friend's life. He knew that when romance becomes a factor in Dan's life, it would be an expected surprise.
He didn't know that dealing with it would be so hard.
The lovebirds stumbled upon each other at a supermarket. It was Dan's turn to do grocery-shopping for the week. Apparently, the two grabbed the same box of cereal and from there, the rest was history. They talked, bonded over their love over video games, and left the market with a date looming ahead.
He should be happy. Dan finally found someone that could potentially be the love of his life. For years, there was never a girl that enamored Dan to a point where serious dating was an option. With Aubrey, she opened the doors to a new future. She could become Dan's permanent other half.
Aubrey and Dan. Dan and Aubrey. Daubrey. In Phil's anxious mind, thinking of the two together makes him sick.
He hates her because she has what he can't have. He hates her because there's something in the red-haired girl's gray orbs that makes him think she isn't reciprocating Dan's intense feelings for her. He hates her because she occupies the space next to Dan on the couch more often nowadays whenever she sleeps over. He hates her because she's too much of a girly-girl to get into Dan's interests besides video games. He hates her because she cares too much about how she looks. He hates her because there are times where her eyes are open when they kiss (he notices). He hates her because the world thinks the two are a cute couple. He hates her because it's true, and all he wants to do is quash the shipping. He hates her because she talks more about herself than listening to Dan share about a story about his day. He hates her because she's selfish and he thinks she's using Dan for the publicity.
He has every legitimate reason to hate her, and it should be an indication for him to talk about his worries to Dan. But he can't do that to his best friend. He can't take away Dan's source of happiness due to inane jealousy. He can't stir more trouble in Dan's life. He can't see Dan fall back into his 2012 self.
His feelings for Dan doesn't matter. If being Dan's best friend is all he'll ever be, then he would rather be single for the rest of his life than marry someone his heart can't wholeheartedly love. He would take being content than losing the most beloved person in his life over a fragile concept called love.
If this is how it has to be, then he will learn to accept this reality, a reality he wants to escape from.
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
Daubrey is a thing for nine months before it breaks. Phil contains his relief when the real-life canon shipping is no longer canon.
His assumptions were spot-on. It was always one-sided. Aubrey did love Dan, but she loved him in the way every Dan and Phil fan does. It was luck when they met, and she used what she knew about Dan from his YouTube videos to pursue a relationship with him. She was already seeing someone else on the day that they first met. When they broke up, all she did was fall back into the arms of the man she called her true lover.
For Dan, he had no one to fall back on. Except for Phil.
Phil stares at Dan now, in his classic existential-crisis pose on the lush carpet in the hallway. He frowns. What can he say to comfort Dan? He can't say "I know how you feel." He can't exactly empathize with Dan, because he has never gotten his heart broken the way Dan did.
"Dan," Phil says, walking around Dan and kneeling down where Dan's head is. His hand runs through the brown locks of his depressed friend's hair. "Are you going to be like this forever?"
"Leave me alone," he hears through Dan's muffled voice.
"Aubrey is an idiot. Who dates a guy when she's already seeing someone else? It's not right."
Dan shifts his head so his face is in view. "I'm the idiot for loving her."
"It's not your fault."
"Then whose is it?"
"Aubrey."
Dan laughs bitterly. "Sure. And while I'm at it, I'll blame the entire universe for bring her in my life in the first place."
"It's how the world works."
"Well, the world is stupid."
"Can't argue with that."
"Can you leave me alone now?"
"No. Not until you get up." Dan's pain is Phil's pain. If girls take breakups difficult, then they have never met Dan.
"I will."
"When?"
"When the world swallows me up in a black hole and leaves me there for the rest of eternity."
"Eternity is a long time."
"Exactly."
He sighs. What more can he do? When Dan's facing an existential crisis, it takes him hours, maybe days, to pull him out of it. But this time is different. How can Phil deal with a heartbroken Dan?
So he leaves Dan, retreating to his room. He kicks off his shoes and sits on his bed.
The world works in strange ways. Just not in his favor.
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
Day four of the post-breakup. Dan isn't getting better. Phil isn't getting close to making him better.
The fans are worried. The phandom suspects Dan is in another existential crisis. Phil could always tell the fans the truth, but what would be the point? They would send hate and flames on Aubrey and the situation would get out of hand. All he can do for now is be there for Dan and hope Dan will see the light of day.
Still in existential-crisis mode, Dan is faceplanted on the couch. It's nine in the evening and Phil knows he has been like that for the last hour. For the last four days, all Dan has done is eat, blast Muse, All Time Low, or any alternative rock depressing music in his room, and sleep. Whenever Phil tries to talk to him, Dan always says the same thing: "leave me alone."
He doesn't want Dan to be alone. He wants to be a friend. But how can he do that when Dan is shutting him out?
"Dan."
"What?"
He pauses, then shakes his head. "Never mind."
Dan turns his body to face Phil. His eyes are red. "What?"
He sighs. "How long will you be like this? I get it. Aubrey is the first girl you got into in a really long time. But you can't let her be your utter downfall. You have to get up. Walk around. Live."
"What's the point of living? Aubrey was mine. Mine, Phil. And all this time, she never was. She was two-timing me for some guy neither of us have never heard of. So tell me Phil, how can I live when the world played an evil joke on me? How do I live when I have no one?"
"You have me."
"That's not enough."
"There will be another girl."
"Like who?"
"I don't know. But whoever she is, she'll be nothing like Aubrey. She'll be a female version of you."
"Yeah right. Tell me that again when she exists."
"She does! I bet she's waiting for her Dan to come stumbling in her life."
A hint of a smile appears on Dan's face, then quickly turns back to a frown. "That's if she exists."
"She does. Somewhere in this world filled with stupidity, there is a girl destined to be yours." Why is he telling Dan this? Why can't Dan see that his meant to be could be standing right here in front of him?
Dan moves into a sitting position, his feet planted on the floor. "If destiny exists, why did it bring me Aubrey?"
"Because-" Phil goes to sit next to Dan, "Destiny wants you to learn some lessons about love before you meet the one."
"What lessons?"
"How to get your heart broken. Because if you don't get your heart broken, how will you learn to know what you want and don't want in a girl? Aubrey made you learn what you didn't want. The next girl that steals your attention, I'll bet my stuffed lion she's the one you'll want."
Dan chuckles. It's the first sign of positivity he has seen in the last four days. "Wow Phil, you're willing to give up your lion for that?"
"It's true!" He bites his lip. "I'm saying all that because I…" Love you.
"You what?"
"Forget it."
"No." Dan stares at him with a confused expression. "You said all that because…"
I love you. He was about to tell his best friend three words that means more to him than it would to Dan. He stopped himself because if those three words are out in the open, something will happen. And Phil knows that the way he feels for Dan won't be reciprocated.
Dan loves him… as a friend. Phil loves Dan… as more than that. He's in love with him.
"Philly. Tell me."
"I…" His throat feels clogged. He can't do it. Not now. Not when Dan is emotionally unstable. Not when Dan's mind is still clinging on to Aubrey.
"Phil."
How will you know if you keep your mouth shut?
"Do you remember what happened on my birthday?" he blurts out. Crap.
"Your birthday?" Dan takes a few seconds to recall the memory. "Oh right." Recognition flickers in the young man's brown eyes. "Yes. I do."
"Happy birthday Phil!" Dan cheers, lifting a bottle of beer in the air. It's 11 in the evening and the duo are in their kitchen, a six-pack of Heineken on the bar table. "Here's to more fantastic birthdays as you inch closer to the big three-o."
"Is that beer?" Phil scrunches his nose. "Wait, how much have you had to drink?"
"A couple…" Dan giggles, taking a huge swig from the green bottle. "There's still more."
"I'll pass. And you should stop." He has never been a big fan of alcohol. Hell, he even dislikes red wine, an alcoholic drink that's supposed to be healthy when consumed in moderation.
"Great! More for me."
"Dan," he chastises. "Stop drinking. You and I both know you're the lightweight out of the two of us."
"True." Dan sways slightly in an effort to walk toward Phil. Dan slams the bottle on the table and reaches for another bottle. "But it's fun." He giggles again. "And it's your birthday in an hour. What better way to celebrate than doing it the traditional American way?"
"We can celebrate sans alcohol." Phil reaches for the bottle, seizing it from Dan's hands and putting it back on the table. "Now c'mon. Let's go to bed."
"Ooh. Bed. Are you going to make the fangirls' dream come true?"
"Nope. Not now, not ever." Phil swings an arm across Dan's shoulders and starts to lead him toward his bedroom.
"You suck. I thought you love me."
"I do."
"As a friend." Dan stops moving and cranes his head up to look at his raven-haired friend, his drunken irises staring at Phil. "But you love me, right? We can change that."
"No." He resumes their walking, dragging a motionless Dan next to him. "You're my best friend and you're drunk. You don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes I do." Dan giggles again. "You don't see it. But all the fans do. If they want us together, let's give them what they want."
Before Phil could respond, Dan plants his lips firmly on Phil's lips. Dan's hands cups the older man's face, his mouth moving sensuously against Phil's shocked mouth.
He freezes. What is Dan doing? Why isn't he pulling away? He's not gay! He likes girls. He's straight.
His mind goes blank. All he can focus on is the feeling of Dan's soft lips. He should be disgusted. Appalled. Instead, he can't help but return the kiss.
It's him who pulls away, having to gasp for air. The shock is evident on his face. "Dan!"
"See? You liked it."
"Ummm… b-but-"
"Don't lie. You love me. And I love you."
And then Dan passes out.
"I was drunk," Dan says, the gradual horror appearing on his face. "The thing happened. I passed out. I woke up, didn't remember anything, and once I did, I told you to forget about it. I mean, after all, it was just a kiss."
He remembers.
"Why did you ask?"
It was just a kiss.
To Dan, it was just a kiss. To Phil, that kiss was a lightbulb moment. That kiss made him realize he had feelings for Dan.
"I…" Say it, Phil. "I… haven't."
"Oh course you didn't." Dan plays with a loose thread on the couch. "You were sober. That moment probably scarred you. I'm sorry though, for the millionth time."
"It's okay. And it didn't. The scarring part." He can do this. He can tell him. He can grow some balls and make a confession.
"So… you were fine with the kiss?"
He nods. "I kinda liked it."
Dan's cheeks turns red. "Why?"
"Because." He reaches out to hold Dan's hand. "I love you."
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
Words are said. The tension thickens. There are denials, but there's also acceptance. There are tears, but there are smiles. There's hesitance, but there's confirmation.
Dan and Phil. Phil and Dan. Phan. What they have resembles infrared light. A person can't see infrared, but the light is there. It's invisible. It's a ray of spectrum that exists. For the two men, the love shared between them is infrared. The depth of their love, the love that their fans write and create beautiful and horrifying art on, is there.
They have the night. A light switch reverses, both physical and hypothetical. Anything that comes tomorrow can wait. All that matters is now, and how they both need each other.
Clothes are stripped. There are more kisses. Their bodies become bare to one another. The lust intensifies. And when they come together in a glorious union, the world falls away. The universe is on their side. Every thrust, every moan, every touch, pushes them closer to the edge. And when they reach that edge, it's oh so amazing.
And it repeats. Three times.
Afterward, Dan rests atop Phil, his head at the crook of Phil's neck.
"Dan," Phil breathes.
"Hmm?"
"I love you."
"I know."
He smiles, but one that's bittersweet. He knows. He knows that tonight won't be repeated. When the clock strikes midnight, Dan will still be here. But when morning comes, the moment will fade away. He feels it, burrowed in the dark trenches of his heart.
For them, love and sex can't go together.
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
A sliver of sunlight peeks through the window of Phil's bedroom. A bird chirps somewhere miles away. Two naked figures under a colorful checkered blanket lie asleep on a twin-sized bed.
One of them is asleep. The other is wide awake, gazing wistfully at the sleeping man.
Phil sighs. He replays last night over and over in his head. It was definitely one of the most memorable nights he has ever had. His dream came true. Or some of it did.
When Dan opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Phil's face.
"Hey," Phil says.
"Hey," Dan says back.
Dan doesn't even have to say it. Phil sees it in the way Dan's body doesn't reach out to him. He sees it in Dan's eyes, the guilt evident in his brown irises.
"Phil," Dan murmurs.
"I know." He does. It stings, thousands of needles stabbing at his chest at once. But it's the truth, isn't it? He's the half of Dan and Phil falling hard. The other half isn't there, and will never be.
"I'm sorry," Dan croaks. "I just-"
"It's okay." He kisses Dan's forehead, the action hurting him just as much as the realization. "It was just one night, right?"
"Yeah…" Dan's voice cracks. "I want to love you. I do. But I just can't."
"And you can't force yourself." He closes his eyes. "You can't force yourself to be in love with me."
"And I can't force you to wait for me. I don't want to make a promise I can't keep."
"Then don't." He opens his eyes. "Last night was the best night of my existence."
"Are you being Edward Cullen?"
He laughs. "I'm trying not to."
"Then don't. You aren't a sparkly vampire. You're Phillip Lester. Average human being. Minus the average part."
"And you're Daniel Howell. Extraordinary human being. Emphasis on the extraordinary part."
"Thanks. You're pretty extraordinary too."
They stare at each other. Brown to blue. In an alternate universe, they could be the perfect pair. In that universe, maybe they are exchanging I love you's and are talking about their first date. But in this universe, the one his soul lives in, the perfect pair are meant to be friends.
"I meant it, you know. About a female version of you out there somewhere," he tells Dan. "She'll come along one day, you see."
"I guess you're right. And maybe there's a female version of you too, obsessed with pancakes and hating cheese. Or who knows, maybe that she will be a he."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
"I love you, Dan."
"I love you too, Phil." And there it is, the three words he waited to hear, even if it's not in a version he wanted it to be. But it's okay. This is how their love is supposed to be. The world chooses for them to be friends, maybe a little more than that, but not lovers.
Seconds tick by. Then they share a kiss. It's slow, passionate, a nail to a coffin.
It's a final kiss, a kiss that's no longer just a kiss.
~:~ ~:~ ~:~
Four years pass. Phil stands in an altar, watching his best friend say his vows to his lovely bride.
His heart melts. They might be the cutest couple he has ever seen. Like he predicted, the one meant for Dan is a female version of him, granted several inches shorter than Dan. She's clumsy, loves Pokemon, doesn't like human interaction, procrastinates, and embodies what a nerd is about.
She's perfect for Dan, and he's happy she stayed in his life, even after she found out about him and Dan. She was always a fan of them, but she saw beyond their YouTube figures. Unlike Aubrey, she's real and loves Dan with every fiber of her being. She moved across the country to live in their flat, even played a little role in finding Phil's own meant to be.
He glances at the woman to his left. He smiles, squeezing her hand. The woman turns and smiles back.
He'll marry her. One day. This is all still brand new to him. For now, at least he found the one. He too has a woman that is a female version of him. The only difference is that she can sing better than him.
Phil looks back up and sees Dan turn his head to look at him.
Their eyes lock. Then they smile.
This is how it is. It took time for him to heal. A long, long time. So long that Dan's bride set up a blind date in an effort to cheer him up.
He has no regrets. If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't be where he is today.
He still thinks about it. The what-if's. If they ended up together, it would be the two of them getting married. Dan and Phil would be an item, linked forever based on an official document. But the world wouldn't want him to die alone. The world isn't that evil.
The infrared is still there. Their love hasn't ended.
Whew! And wow. First slash fic. First Dan and Phil fic. What has 2016 turned me into? Anyway, I hoped you enjoy, even if the end is kinda cheesy and the two didn't exactly end up together. I've been reading way too much David Levithan stuff. My best friend jokes that I channeled in my inner DL to get through this. How They Met and Other Short Stories by DL is what I recommend. That book gave me the huge feels and it was my major motivation to write this.
Since I gave no names to the women I referred to in the end, ya'll can always insert yourselves in it… As I typed that, I realized just how wrong that sounded. xD You get the point.
On a side note, who's gonna see Dan and Phil for their U.S. tour? I… won't. Living in Oahu = buying a ticket for one of the shows, an airplane ticket to travel from Hawaii to a U.S state, AND booking a hotel room while vacationing in a U.S. state. Airplane tickets and booking hotel rooms are hella expensive these days. And I get airsick. And I have college to focus on. But hey, do me a favor and enjoy it for me, 'kay? I'll be fine cradling The Amazing Book is Not on Fire while devising an alternate method to steal a canoe and sneak into a show… if I had some criminal skills and knowledge on how to steer a canoe. Although I will be doing the cradling part.
Have any recommendations? I am capable of writing fluff and humor fics, even if most of my fics are angsty. Don't mind that they're Twilight fics (they're AH/AU). I can even channel my inner smut side and write M-rated Phan. *wink wink* Okay, I'll stop now, or else my imagination will run amuck and take that literally.
~ AA