WARNING:

WARNING: LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE AHEAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I tried to swear off romance fics, but NOOO...stupid, stupid, subconscious that takes in romantic information. ::sigh:: Anyway, to save my sanity (or what's left of it), this fic has been bleeding out some of my romantic ideas for the last few months. It's far from being finished, and this is only the first part of at least three, but I figured it was time to post the $@#!&@$ thing.

I don't own Digimon, any of its related trademarks, or the username "hacking_stud" on any account. If you own the first two things, more power to you, can I rent them sometime? If you own the third...please don't kill me. ^_^ I don't write these fics for money. I kind of wish I did, 'cos then I could say that I'm only writing this fic for money, instead of for the ego trip of being able to manipulate the characters any way I want them to and the emotions of all of my (better be thousands of) readers. In any case, I don't get money for writing this. If I had a choice, however, it would be for the money.

I'm not a fan of romance in Digimon. Yeah, some of the characters look cute together, and there's probably some possibilities in the future, but I'm not too big of a supporter of any romances in Digimon, mostly because once you become a romance fan, you have to go around saying "(insert horrible mismatch of names) rules! You suck for writing a fic with (insert second horrible mismatch of names)! Die, you worm!" and that kind of thing bores me. I've declared myself to be an Iori fan just because his names is impossible to work into any romance pairing, besides his innate coolness and kendo skills and creampuff digimon and all. (How would you pronounce, say, an Iori/Ken or a Iori/Jyou fic? Not that I'd write these fics, but still...)

However, there's several romance pairings in some of these parts, including but not limited to Tai/Sora, T.K/Kari, and possible Joe/Mimi (if I ever bother to write her into this fic...). Writing me threatening e-mails saying, "Taiora/Takari/Jomi (is that spelled right? Is it possible to spell those things right?) suck! DIE for not putting together (insert horrible mangled names here), you little (expletive)!" will get your mail deleted without a second thought. However, if you write me nice e-mails saying "oh great goddess of everything good with the pseudonym Rb, would you please have some (insert horribly mangled name) in your next part?" I may just deign to listen to your plea.

Bribes will work, of course. Especially expensive bribes.

In a fic such as this, I already have no dignity. No romance couples are certain. Anything could happen and anything probably will.

A long time ago, in a world far removed from our own, one Muse said to her fellow Muses, "it's so hard to write things without plots!"

Another Muse replied, "what, you need plots when writing?"

And thus, fanfiction was born. ^_-

WARNING! LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE ENDED, BUT A FANFIC AHEAD! THE HORROR!

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!

FRIENDS, FOES, AND ROMANCE; OH MY!
TAAAAAAKE ONE!
by Rb

It was a nice day in early spring, but T.K. Takaishi was completely unaware of that fact as he took in a deep breath and knocked on the Kamiya's apartment door. He tried to flatten down a few spikes in his blond hair, with little success.

The door opened a crack. Tai Kamiya's eye looked out suspiciously. "Oh. It's you."

"Hi, Tai, it's me, T.K.," T.K. babbled, oblivious to the cold greeting he'd received. "Remember me? I helped you save the digiworld. Please let me in!"

Tai considered slamming the door in the younger boy's face, but he doubted that would keep the persistent (and tall...WHEN had he gotten so tall?!) boy out. He opened it slowly. T.K. ducked inside. He plunked down, without being invited to do so, on a sofa. Glowering, Tai sat on other sofa.

"What do you want?" Tai started frostily.

"First, is Kari here?" T.K. asked hopefully.

"No. She's at her friend's house."

"Well, maybe that's better, as I want to talk to you about your sister, Kari..."

Tai made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a bull pawing the ground and waiting for the red flag so he could stab the matador in the butt. T.K., alive to Tai's nuances, spoke in a rush.

"IwantedtoknowifIcouldgooutonadatewithKari."

Tai said nothing.

"I'm one of her very closest friends, and she's a very sweet girl, I wouldn't do anything to hurt her..."

Tai's thoughts were running on the choo-choo train that sounds like this:

Oh, my. Someone wants to date my little sister? How dare they! Kari is too sweet and innocent to go out on a date with any uncouth boys! Yes, I've known T.K. for a long time, but I know his type, I've seen how all the girls look at him! He'll break Kari's heart! Or even worse (in his mind)... They could fall in love and get married before the summer break starts! That would mean...T.K. would be my new little brother, I could deal with that...but that means that arrogant jerk Matt Ishida would be my brother-in-law!

"NOOOOOOO!" Tai yelled, vocalizing his thought about being related in any way to Matt, even though the two were normally best friends. (They were on the outs this week, as per usual...) T.K, startled, stopped his nervous burble.

"No! You may not date Kari! You may not touch Kari! You may not look at Kari!" Tai bellowed at poor T.K.

T.K., who was urgently wishing for the support of Patamon, managed to point out the flaws in Tai's (fairly incoherent) logic. "I have classes with Kari. I have to see her. And she talks to me, too..."

"Well, then, when Kari talks to you, say, say, 'sayonara!' No, that might be too sad. Say...um, wait...don't say anything at all!"

"But..."

"I'm her older brother, I make the decisions regarding Kari's romance. Now, go away!"

Angrily restraining a flood of tears, T.K. slammed out of the house.

---

The next day, after school, Kari Kamiya sat on Sora Takenouchi's bed and plucked disconsolately at the threads. "He's so overprotective, Sora!" She'd heard the whole story from one of T.K.'s friends that day at school.

Kari had 'adopted' Sora as an older sister soon after they'd come back from the Digiworld. Sora was kind, and older, and understood Kari's problems well, especially those involving Tai. Sora never minded, having an instinctive maternal attitude to Kari and T.K., anyway.

"Older brothers are like that, Kari," Sora explained, still wearing her green school uniform.

"How do you know? You don't have any," Kari accused.

Sora sweatdropped. "Well, I don't have an older brother, but my mom was always really overprotective of me." One hand touched the digivice she always wore, reminding her of Biyomon and the entire Digiworld. "I've told you about how my crest glowed, right?" Kari nodded, but Sora told the story anyway. "I was so upset when I learned I had the crest of love, because I didn't think that I'd ever known love in my life. When I realized that my mom being overprotective was her way of showing love, my crest started to glow and Birdramon was able to digivolve into Garudamon." Sora smiled, remembering. She'd been so worried...

"Do you still miss Biyomon?" Kari asked curiously.

"Do you still miss Gatomon?" Sora replied rhetorically. She sighed. "Yes. I miss her all the time...she's my best friend, still."

"Same here. But at least we can talk about our friends, together." The girls smiled at each other. "I'd also be able to discuss this with T.K., if my brother wouldn't be so dratted paranoid!"

"And the conversation goes full circle..." Sora intoned. "Kari, Tai's so paranoid about you because he loves you and he doesn't want you to be hurt."

"T.K. wouldn't hurt me!" Kari said indignantly. "And Tai's not paranoid about you..."

Sora blushed a little. "That's not the same thing!" she protested. "We're friends, not siblings. I'll try to help him change his mind about poor T.K.. But there's no guarantee he'll even listen to me..."

"You have to, Sora!" Kari said passionately.

"Kari, how much do you like T.K., anyway?" Sora asked curiously. "I can't help thinking that you're a little young to be going out."

"When you were my age, did you go out on dates?" Kari retorted.

"When I was your age, I was saving the Digiworld. I didn't have that much free time."

The two girls laughed and discussed other things until Kari had to go home.

---

Meanwhile, T.K. was discussing Tai's reaction to his...offer...to his older brother.

Matt acts a lot like Tai when he's annoyed, T.K. noted irreverently.

"That arrogant, annoying, jerk!" Matt Ishida cursed. "How dare he say things like that to my younger brother!"

But what if he had allowed T.K. and Kari to go out? Kari's so nice -- I can't imagine how that happened, with her dolt of a brother -- and they'd go steady, and then I'd have to be looking at that ignorant weirdo at get-togethers! No matter that he's normally my friend, he insulted my brother, and I have to stick with my family!

"T.K.," Matt said aloud, "maybe it's for the best that Tai," he mentally inserted several better words to call him, "won't let you date Kari. I mean, now you can play the field."

T.K. looked at his brother blankly. "What are you talking about, Matt?"

"Well, since Kari's unavailable, find some other chick."

T.K.'s expression was innocent. "What are you talking about?"

"Look. You have a fanclub about the same size as mine. Find some girl without an older brother, and go out with her."

"But I like Kari! I've liked her for three years!"

"So? You can find some new girl to like! I'll show you where to find one!"

T.K. groaned silently. Not again...

---

Kari and Tai sat at the dinner table as their mother served dinner. Kari delicately picked up her utensils and ate neatly. Tai devoured his food, barely pausing to breathe.

"Well," their father said, after pausing a moment to watch the spectacle of Tai, the human tornado, inhale his first serving, "what did you do today, Kari?"

"I went over to Sora's," she said quietly.

Tai, who was in the middle of a large mouthful, swallowed down the wrong windpipe and promptly choked. After a few minutes of hacking, spitting, coughing, and other things that always seem to happen when Tai ate, he finally managed to pronounce, "Sora's?" His voice cracked on the second syllable.

Kari nodded. "Yeah." Her eyes gleamed as she considered a new way to torture her brother.

"What did you talk about?" he asked, trying (and failing) to regain his normal voice range.

"Biyomon and Gatomon," were the first things to come out of her mouth. Their parents, accustomed to such talk with their children but unable to talk about it themselves, simply ate. "Sora's tennis match tomorrow...we should see it, big brother."

"I was already planning to go," he blurted out.

"I didn't know you had an interest in tennis," their mother said offhandedly.

"Well, I-" Tai started, but was cut off by Kari.

"Somehow, Mama, I don't think tennis is what he's interested in." Tai turned the color of a tomato, which contrasted greatly with his foot-long brown hair. The dagger's in place. Time to twist it, Kari thought.

"It's a good thing for you that Sora has no older brothers," she said in the same quiet tone she'd been using through out the entire meal. Her plate being empty, she retreated to her room and slammed the door.

"Kari--!" Tai called. He got up from his seat and banged on her door. When he got no response, he started kicking the door in a rage, then falling, facedown, on the couch.

Their mother and father looked at each other in surprise. They'd never seen Tai before not finish his dinner.

---

That night, three very important phone calls were made. These phone calls could change the fate of the world. They were so important..

Okay, so I'm lying and they weren't important at all, except to the people involved and their various stalkers. But hey, if the stalkers are happy, then so am I!

---

Kari punched out Sora's number on the phone. A ring, and someone picked up.

"Hello! Takenouchi residence, Sora speaking," Sora answered the phone automatically.

"Sora!"

"Kari! What happened?" she asked.

"Tai and I are definitely going to see your tennis match tomorrow," Kari informed her.

"Really, now..." Sora paused thoughtfully. "And you want me to talk to him?"

"Yeah," Kari admitted.

"I'll see what I can do."

"Are you ready for the match tomorrow?"

"Uh-huh. I'm really excited."

They talked of meaningless things for the next few moments. Then, Tai picked up the other extension in his room. "Kari! I have to use the phone!"

Kari sighed. "Okay, Tai, I'll hang up in a moment."

Sora sang, "Sorry, Tai!"

"Sora?" Tai asked, his voice breaking again. Twice in one night, Kari thought. It must be love. Or puberty.

"Yes, Tai?" she said patiently.

"Uhh...good luck on the match tomorrow. Heh heh, you'll do great, won't you? I mean, you're the amazing Sora, ha-ha, I bet the other people won't know what hit them, huh? You'll score the most--"

Sora, safe in her house, rolled her eyes.

"Uh, Tai?"

"Yes, Kari?"

"Don't you have to make a phone call of your own?"

"...oh. Well. Bye, Sora! See you tomorrow!" Tai said a bit too loudly.

"Goodbye, Sora," said Kari, hanging up.

"See you tomorrow, Kari, Tai," Sora said, hanging up the phone.

Kari, curiously, walked into Tai's room. He was holding the phone in his arms, and gazing at it intently.

"What was that about a phone call...?" she asked sweetly, and derived a sadistic pleasure from him jumping three feet into the air and bumping his hair on the ceiling.

---

"Izzy! The phone's for you!" Izzy's mother called. Izzy Izumi saved the program he was working on with a sigh and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Izzy? It's T.K." T.K.'s voice was shrill with...horror?

"Yes, what's wrong?" Izzy asked calmly.

"It's Matt. He's gone...WEIRD."

"How so?"

T.K. started rambling. "He's started taking me to places like...that are strange, and there are lots of girls there, and he tries to introduce me to them, and they're weird, and then I start complaining, and all the girls look at me funny, and tease Matt, and..."

What I would do for an older brother like Matt, Izzy thought. "T.K., why is Matt doing this?"

"It's 'cos I wanted to go out with Kari and Tai wouldn't let me, so Matt got really mad and--" T.K. went off on a tangent about how mean Tai was acting and how much he missed Kari and how unfair the entire situation was.

Izzy held the receiver a few inches away from his ear, his eyes widening. When it seemed like the rant was almost over, he cautiously replaced the phone to its normal position.

"Let me see if I have the facts in order. You want to date Kari. Tai won't let you. Matt is trying to retaliate."

"What's retaliate?"

"He's trying to get back at Tai," Izzy clarified.

"I guess so."

"If the above summary is correct..." Izzy mused. An evil grin stretched on his face, and he cackled a few times.

"What was that?" T.K. asked.

Izzy coughed. "Nothing. Sore throat." He continued to grin as he typed furiously on his computer for a moment. "Prodigious! I have the perfect solution for your problem."

"What's that?"

"A list of 101 techniques to get an older brother to like you and allow you to date his sister!" Izzy announced triumphantly.

T.K.'s eyes bugged out. "Why do you have a list like that?"

Izzy coughed again. "Never mind. Anyway, this list will help you!"

"How?"

"Well, see, Tai will definitely be at Sora's tennis match tomorrow. Memorize and act upon every single technique on this list, and he'll be guaranteed to allow you to date Kari!"

T.K. considered this. Dating Kari...good. Following Izzy advice...good. Getting Matt off his back...very good. "Okay!" he said. "How do I get this list?"

"You have e-mail, correct?"

"Yeah."

"I'll send it to you!"

"Okay. Thanks a million, Iz!"

"No problem. Bye!"

Izzy tapped a few commands on his laptop, and...voila! The list was sent.

T.K., on his end, accessed the e-mail box. He sweatdropped upon seeing Izzy's e-mail address. Izzy uses the name hacking_stud? He opened the list and promptly facevaulted onto the floor.

The list went something like this:


#1: Dress to kill! But not literally, like, the girl won't wanna date ya if you kill her brother, 'cause that would be, like, totally bad.

#2: Make sure, like, none of your hair sticks up. That gives a totally bad impression on the older brother.


T.K. frowned. "Tai's hair sticks up more than mine...and I like my spikes. Matt taught me how to make them."


#3: Girls like an aggressive man. So be aggressive, dude!


T.K.'s eyes were permanently widened by the time he reached #10. "I'm never going to figure this out." His head slumped to the desk.

After a few moments, he lifted himself back up. "If it's for Kari...I'll manage. Somehow."

---

"Kido residence, Jim speaking,"

"Hi, Jim. It's Tai. Can you get Joe on the phone?"

"Sure." Tai heard a clunk, Jim hollering "JOOOE! Phone for you!", another click, and Joe's familiar voice saying, "Hello. Jim, get off, I have the phone."

"I'm hurt," Jim said. A click, and he was gone.

"Hi, Joe? It's me, Tai. Listen, I have a favor to ask you..."

"Of course you do. Old reliable me, always here to answer to favors. Have something to do? Ask good old Joe, that's the ticket!"

"Right!" Tai said. Joe facevaulted. "Anyway...how do you make yourself, um, unattractive to girls?"

"What are you talking about?" Joe asked dryly.

"Y'know...how do you make yourself act like no girl would ever like you?"

"What?" This time, Tai detected a faint note of anger in Joe's normally pedantic tones.

"Well...you know how no girl in their right mind would go out with you, right?"

"I'll have you know," Joe said with dignity, "that I have a date tomorrow."

Tai's eyes widened in shock. "With whom?"

Joe paused for a moment, and continued in an embarrassed manner. "Okay, so I don't know who she is. See, my friend wanted to date this girl, but her cousin from America is coming, so he needed reliable me to double-date with her cousin...we're going to some sports event tomorrow."

"Way to go," Tai said, trying hard not to laugh. "So. How do you get girls to not like you?"

Joe closed his eyes briefly. "Well, I don't have that problem any longer," he started.

Right, Tai thought.

"I wore glasses, had really geeky hair, and bad fashion sense. I was too practical and a bit clumsy."

"So, to get a girl, I'd have to act the exact opposite?"

"Having girl problems?" Joe asked dryly.

"No...well...sort of...but...it's none of your business!" Tai sputtered.

"Mmhmm. Well, good luck," Joe said ironically.

"You, too. Thanks, man!"

Joe hung up.

So, to stop Kari from dating T.K., I have to tell her that he acts like Joe did. Perfect.

The obvious flaws in this plan that a five-year-old could have noticed were not apparent to Tai.

---

Will Sora win her tennis match? Will T.K. ever date Kari? Will Tai break up the romance before it ever happens? Will Matt use too much gel? Will Izzy get a life? Will Joe have a decent date? Will Mimi ever be mentioned in this fic? Will the author ever shut up?

Find out in the next part of FRIENDS, FOES, AND ROMANCE; OH MY!

yes, I love doing the announcer bit...^_^