Disclaimer- SKU is not mine. It's Chiho Saito's, the Be-Papas', Kuniko Ikuhara's, etc., etc.
Spoilers- Up to "Wakaba Flourishing" (episode 20), in particular eps. 1 and 9. Also some minor ones about Anthy from later in the series.
Author's Note- This is just a portrayal of what I think about Saionji's psyche, and his relationships with Anthy, Wakaba, and Touga. Note that I'd don't just think Saionji's a mindless, twisted, psychotic, wife-beating bastard, though, yeah, he is all those things, but this is portraying him as more. If you can't possibly take that, you might wanna go elsewhere. Also this has a few rather graphically violent descriptions, and very brief foul language, so... (shrugs) Your choice whether to read or not.
Supposedly this is another "exchange diary" Saionji started and never finished in some effort to hold onto his old life while at Wakaba's.
Possession
by Starbrigid
Dear Anthy,
I'm writing to you again, starting now, with the journal I bought with the lunch money she gave me. Why? It feels real, and it's been hard to find anything real. Even if you'll never read this. Even if I'll never see your face again. Even if I will never see your reply.
It feels strange, though, after having broken the habit. This isn't even our diary, so I don't have your words of undoubtedly heartfelt love to look back on and strengthen me. Wakaba would say such things to me, but she doesn't understand what love is.
I suppose that may be unfair to her. She did take me in when no one else would. It's hard to understand why if not for love. But why would she love me? My specialness? It's all only a reflection of HIS own. Why can't any of them ever see it?
You saw it, Anthy. I saw it there in your eyes. You held contempt for me, somewhere behind that vacant face. But there was love there, too. I possessed you. You belonged to me, and you still do.
Anyway, Wakaba. She did find me, and I have to admit she saved me. I'd crawled into Ohtori at night, was staring vacantly at my surroundings. She found me, squealed my name like an announcement, a surprise, a prayer, a word of salvation, dragged me back, told me she'd hide me.
She had to describe who she was for about five minutes before I remembered her. I don't understand that girl. She frightens me, her strange devotion to me and
Utena. I could possess her easily, but she's nothing. I want someone special like me. Like you.
Maybe you will come and free me. I know that your brother has become this school's trustee chairman, he could have me reinstated easily. You might sweep me up, resurrect me.
But you won't, because Tenjou is the Victor, and you follow your Champion's will. And maybe that isn't enough for some people, but it's all that I've ever wanted. Someone who I can treat whatever I way want and they'll come back crawling in the mud to me because in some level deep inside them they liked it. I certainly always liked it.
And, you, Anthy. You liked it too.
So, Anthy. Will you free me from this little, childish room and the even more infantile girl who holds me? I'll be sweet to Wakaba, but I'd rather let you see that side of me. I'll be kind and beautiful, but I'd rather have you see that side of me. The darkness and the light.
Only HE'S seen it, and now I will show it to another person, Anthy. To Tenjou's butt-monkey of a middle school girl. Well, she'll be you in my mind. Only you, Anthy.
Somehow, I'll free myself even if you won't be here to help. I've already took the first step in getting myself back into Ohtori. Now I'm writing to you again, revisiting a bit of who I was. Somehow get back into school and become a duelist again. Then I'll beat Tenjou once and for all, and make you mine again.
Respond as soon as possible. I'll be waiting.
-Saionji Kyouchi
Dear Anthy,
Today, I found out that Wakaba has a little radio. I started to play it, but then realized that I would be heard and this fragile little existence I've had crafted for me would shatter. I stopped, then. Somehow it seemed symbolic in a way, like so many things do in this strange world of Ohtori. In a way, I suppose we're both only symbols, though I don't understand what we'd be symbols of. I'm no Miki.
Once, though, Anthy, when I dozed off in the middle of the day... I woke, with the sun from her window shining into my eyes, and I felt the eternity we both long for in my grasp.
But it was only a fragment of a dream, I guess. I tried to remember it, for you, Anthy, but then whenever I did, all that happened was a sickening cloud of sleek blood-red spirals before my eyes.
Wakaba said my uniform's getting smelly, just now. She offered to buy me new clothes. Fine, I say. But I covetously clutch my rose seal. She won't take that from me, will she, Anthy? She won't.
Wish you were here, Anthy. I promise you, I'll take back what's mine. Just wait and have faith. Nothing can really get in the way of true love.
Respond as soon as possible. I'll be waiting.
-Saionji Kyouchi
Dear Anthy,
Did that castle really hold eternity? Because I've been wondering, and I'm sure that you knew. Something in your eyes told me that you were wise beyond imagination, when you were my bride. But it was only just for a second, and then I'd remember just who you belonged to and show you how much it hurts to really love someone.
This morning, before Wakaba left for her classes. She giggled, said she didn't know. Then she apparently rethought it, because she gave me an answer. I still remember her exact words.
"I dunno. I really love taking care of Utena-sama, love being her friend. I know... how much I need her... and how she needs me, too. Maybe I might feel something eternal sometimes there. Could that be eternity? Friendship? I guess..." She looked at me doubtfully there. I guess she was remembering how much I've hated Tenjou, and have only had one friend ever.
"Maybe it's just love that's eternal, loving someone with all your heart. Maybe it's not friendship then that's eternal. Maybe, Saionji, in the end, could they both be the same thing?"
Something eternal? Kaoru Miki thinks he loves you, and that you're his shining thing, or at least you could be. Are you the eternity I could find?
Is T
No, that's stupid. Wakaba's going to be home soon. I have to prepare for her.
-Saionji Kyouchi
Anthy-
How am I expected to fucking go on like this! You bitch, you put me here! You doomed me! I don't know who I am, and it's all your fault! If I ever find you, I swear I'll kill you. I'll torture you, make you bleed, punish you for being the filthy little witch you are. But before you die, I'll tear out your Prince's heart. Make you eat it. Bet you'd like the way it fucking tasted. I can just imagine it, my bride, my princess, stupid little cunt of a girl you are. I can imagine your mangled body at my feet. A testimony there to our undying love.
-Saionji Kyouchi
Dear Anthy,
Wakaba wrote a poem today in her English class and showed it to me. She stood there hopefully while I read it. It was pretty good, I have to admit, though a lot of it was clearly stuff she'd copied off others. Maybe I've misjudged her, even if she is Tenjou's friend. I love the way she looks at me, so worshipfully, the way you never really allowed yourself to.
But I'm staying faithful to you, Anthy. I won't touch her, even though she'd love me forever for just one caress. See? That's how much I love you.
It's rather boring for me. It's starting to seem unreal somehow, the passing of hours, day after day. I'm starting to lose track of it all.
Sometimes you come to me in my dreams. So do the rest of them. All of the seitokai, especially Touga. I once dreamed of grinding Kaoru Miki's skull to a pulp for daring to turn that computer-like brain of his onto you. I dream of killing Tenjou often. If I had more time before Wakaba comes home, I'd draw a picture of it for you.
I looked at the entry I wrote before, and what I wrote about doing to Kaoru. It seems sick, I guess. Is this... normal? I don't know. I didn't use to think like this. I didn't have many violent thoughts at all until that day Touga saved the girl in the coffin. But everyone's... this way, right? And if they aren't, it's because they're inferior. I'm really superior to all of them.
Well, anyway, I'm still faithful. But I'll be nice to Wakaba. And in the future, I'll come back, do I've dreamed of to the seitokai, to Tenjou, and renew the vows we made. Like in Wakaba's poem. It was a silly little thing, stumbling over itself. I recall a few of the words.
And when you look at me, I'm special. And when you smile, I'm the most beautiful person in the world. This is who I am. Could this be love? All I know is, I'm special now.
She said the teacher didn't like it too much. I wonder why. You wouldn't know. You've always hated poetry.
-Saionji Kyouchi
Dear Anthy,
Wakaba bought me a red cup today. It was very bright and pretty, but it was light and faceless in my hands. It reminded me of something, so I dropped it, and it splintered into a million pieces. I told Wakaba it was an accident. I don't know whether she believed me or not.
I think she watches me sometimes when I sleep down on her floor. I woke up early one morning, and Wakaba had fallen asleep sitting up. She was sitting on the edge of her bed in that modest nightgown of hers, leaning over towards where I lay, watching me.
What is life like with Tenjou? Tenjou doesn't love you. She doesn't possess you like I do. But I bet she makes you happy, because the truly, violently felt feelings in this world make you understand things that swallow the light from the world. She doesn't punish you, but she should. You don't deserve happiness, or light, or any of that. You deserve punishment because you're a witch. Touga told me the truth, and for once, he wasn't lying. Tenjou has no idea of the secrets you keep, but I know. YOU'RE the one who swallows the light.
I think Wakaba keeps a diary too. I wonder what she writes in it. Does she wish for me to be her beloved prince? Or is she looking for a rose bride, a witch to break under her like you, Anthy, are to me?
Because isn't that, deep down, what everyone wants? Because... that's what love IS, my flower. They all don't understand, ask how I can love you when I always hit you, loath me for doing so. They don't understand that it's just another mark of love. Love is POSSESSION, Anthy, possessing someone with all your heart and soul.
It is. Because if it isn't, then... who am I? Why am I doing any of this? Why did I ever become part of the seitokai, fight for you, decide to possess you, that you belonged to me and we were in love? Because the one who possesses me wanted me to do so.
See? It's true. I once tried to explain it to Tenjou, when we were both watching you, but she doesn't have any grasp of eternity. Would Wakaba understand if I tried to explain? Does she want something eternal, too?
What would she do if I... hit her?
Please respond as soon as possible. I'm waiting.
-Saionji Kyouchi
Dear Anthy,
Wakaba really is a nice girl, isn't she? So brave, choosing to hide me, and here I've been disdaining her all this time. How can I just give her nothing in return? Do you think, maybe, Anthy, there could be something I could give her?
I've got to stop writing now. Wakaba's home.
-Saionji Kyouchi.