Disclaimer: These characters are not mine!
AN: This might seem confusing. It's suposed to. It's in lily's pov and she's talking about James
I love you. I seem to be able to find this phrase everywhere. Yet what does it really mean? Well yes, it obviously is talking about intense feelings for someone or something else. It is also shown as being something special. Yet why is thrown around so casually? You would think that something as meaningful as love would only be said when it is truly meant.
If you look at it the other way though, maybe we're wrong. Maybe love is fictional, something created in life to give us a purpose. Or on the other hand, maybe love is just not as important as people think it is.
Maybe it is though. Maybe it really is that important. I don't think I'll ever know. Everyday it just seems to get more confusing than the last. You put so much trust in it. You believe that it won't fail you and that it'll always be there. I guess in these last sentences the word "you" should probably be replace with the word "I". I had put to much trust in it. I had believed that it wouldn't fail me.
I probably sound like a crazy teenager, heck, I am a crazy teenager, but why does that mean we can't control our own bodies. Well, yes, I do realize hormones are a big part of this. Though why does that mean we suddenly can't say no? You aren't able to say it but then the next thing you end up seeing is some guy who's not your boyfriend on top of you.
I wouldn't even go that far though, what happened to me didn't go like that. It's hard to even think about though, the love of your life suddenly gone. The second you confess what you did they become distant. Maybe he wasn't really the love of my life but I thought he was.
It still sits in the back of my head, the idea that he was supposed to be mine. After I had told him I cheated on him, he didn't break up with me, he was mad, of course, but he still loved me. The fact that we aren't together anymore, that was my fault. In fact, everything that happened that summer was my fault.
It was just supposed to be just another week at work. Everything was going good to until the last day of the week. I had even convinced the manager to let me use my cell phone so I was able to talk to my boyfriend whenever I had wanted to.
We hadn't even fought, just sometime later that night I found myself holding hands with some other guy. There wasn't anything in my brain saying to stop. I knew that what I was doing was bad, but trying to move away and leave seemed mean.
After I had left that day, I knew that I had to tell him. There was no way I could not tell him, I cared about him too much. It was the first time he had ever cried. I had broken his heart and seeing that broke mine. But that didn't matter, my heart wasn't important.
The only thing that mattered to me was him. After days of trying to get things to work out, I knew I had to do the only thing that would make him happier. I broke up with him. Maybe there was something twisted going on in my head, most likely there probably was.
Looking back at it I don't regret it exactly. It was probably better for us, what I regret is hurting him. I thought I was going to be able to see him talking to other girls, flirting with them and doing what he does without it hurting myself. But I was wrong, oh boy oh boy was I wrong. I think that he was happier, he wasn't at first, but he seems better. Especially when school started, he was able to easily find girls to talk to.
Each time we talk to each other I feel the need to start crying. We're perfectly friendly with each other and that's great. But just seeing how easily he's content with just being friends, shows me how wrong I was in the beginning and how little truth there actually was in our relationship.
It especially didn't help to find out when I came back that not only did he not love me anymore but also, he liked someone else. Not just any someone else either, my best friend. The girl that he had assured me oh so many times that he could never like. Each time we go anywhere with our group of friends, to see them together with his arm around her puts my heart at a new low. A place I had never been before, where not only were you sad, there wasn't a thing to make you feel better. I had hit rock bottom and was stuck in a box.
I guess my intention from the beginning had indeed worked out, he does indeed seem better now. It's starting to be time to work on me though. There's nobody there anymore to pick me up now that I've fallen, it's a job I have to do by my self. The part about being happy is starting to seem foreign to me, how am I supposed to be happy without anyone there to help me? I'm not technically alone I guess, but if I try to find a person to share the burden with it'll just start unnecessary drama. My best friend the one whom I can tell anything, I can't even talk to her about it this time.
I guess I just wanted him to be there for me. It seemed that I had hoped that I could just do whatever I wanted with him. Had I treated him like a dog? A person can only take so much, I understand that, but in my head I had pictured him being there waiting for me even if I had broken up with him. The fact that I would even need him there hadn't occurred to me until I saw him for the first time.
When I broke up with him we weren't even in the same country. Nothing that was happening back home affected me, I wasn't sad about it, I thought everything was going like it was supposed to, for the best. You see, being away from home is like being in a different world. You're around different people who aren't associated what so ever. I was flirting with guys, he was flirting with girls, and I was happy. But, you can only stay in paradise for so long though before you have to come back.
As they say "what goes up must come down."
A/N:I hope you like it:) R&R it'll become less confusing soonn.