I

And with one kiss, you inspired a fire of devotion that lasted 20 years...What kind of man loves like this?

I don't even know where to begin. I don't know at what point my life got so fucked up. I thought I was destined to live a normal life—one with a white picket fence, my soul mate, some puppies, kids (maybe, not really), and a successful career. I thought the road to getting there would be a bumpy one, but an easy one at that. No.

No.

No. Life's a little bitch. She likes to fuck with you. Leave you in shambles just when you think you're doing good. In the past few months I've discovered that life doesn't really work out the way you want it to and she enjoys keeping you on your toes.

Allow me to elaborate. In order to understand my story, we must go back about three years ago…

I was happy. The happiest of girls in his arms. I swore that every time he said 'I love you', he meant it and that we'd be together forever. He was the one I'd marry and we'd travel to his family's home in Mexico. We could build our own home there or in Puerto Rico with a huge library! One wall would hold all my books- Yates, Neruda, Verlaine, Patterson, Shakespeare, fucking Whitman! His side would hold manuals and books on chemistry and physics. It'd be our love nest. The summers would be spent on the Cayman Island beaches where our skin would turn lovely shades of darker browns. Together we could grow, cosplay StarWars and raise our Latino kids with Spanish and an awareness to all the beauty of the world. Mom and Dad had discovered the main one: love.

But a storm wiped the beaches clean and one day, I found myself lying on the rough pavement several blocks over his home with bloody knees and un-fixable heart. That summer I jogged twice a day by his house just to see if he was home. I bombarded his phone with voicemails and texts. I even tackled his email. You would think that after dating for almost three years Leo would show his face and tell me it was really over. But he kept me hanging by a thread, suspended before a dark abyss. And when he finally did call, I gave myself to him like I always had. I trusted him and though he wouldn't hurt me again. He was mine and I was his. The sun shone once more on that beach.

In August, he left for college and said he didn't have time for me. I told him, "If you really loved me, you'd find the time." But he didn't. He left to some fancy school in California. Stanford or something like that to study mechanical engineering. I waited by the phone like an idiot for texts and calls but Leo never called, and he never even bothered to tell me it was over, again.

In September, as I sat down on the cold wooden desks in my high school Genetics class, I realized he didn't love me.

In October, he didn't even bother calling for my birthday. You date someone for three years and you'd at least expect a 'Happy Bday' text or something. Maybe a post on Facebook? Nope.

It was November when he finally called, his voice ever so sweet. Music to my ears. He visited, and with his poisonous words I gave myself up to him again. But he left. In December I met someone new.

I was dating again in February. Percy. March, April, May,Graduation, June, July, August. College. September. SEPTEMBER I HAD A DREAM. A dream that fucked with my stability: His arms were around me and he called for me. He ached for me.

But I wouldn't give myself away. I resisted calling Leo. Why would I? I had Percy! But I didn't love Percy and Percy did not love me. We were each other's rebounds. He had just gotten over a painful break up with his ex, Annabeth. We were only kidding ourselves when we said I love you to each other. Eventually Percy and I broke up on mutual terms because there was no chemistry. I was busy with college anyway.

Sometime that month he called. Lonely, desperate and broken, I gave myself up to Leo again.

Stupid girl, I should have known. I couldn't help it. No one had ever made me feel the way he had. I was in love completely and madly with him despite all the shit he had put me through. Despite the fact that he never loved me, only loved my body and loved feeding his ego my love.

He'd see me every time he'd come home. I would ditch my classes and spend the mornings curled up in his arm, the smell of his skin and sheets burning in my nostrils. I had a blind dream that one day he'd come from college, lie in his bed with me and say, "I want to get back together again."

The year ended and when he left, he texted me daily. I soaked in his attention but as predicted, it didn't last.

It was Februray and he didn't call. In March he reached out again and just like that he was back. I remember sitting in his car, excited and mesmerized by his hands on the steering wheel. He turned to me and I thought he'd say it. "I want to get back together again. I'm sorry for being such a dick. I really do love you."

What came out of his mouth instead made my stomach churn and my heart shatter for the second time by the same guy. He asked, "Do you mind if I see someone while I'm seeing you?"

I was infuriated. I kicked and screamed and demanded to be taken back home. He was enraged too that I was acting like such a child. On the ride home I happened to glance back and saw a woman's bag and boots. "They're Calli's."

"WHO THE FUCK IS CALLI?" I yelled, slamming my fists on the dashboard. My heart broke for the second time that day, the third time by the same guy.

I slapped him several times, endangering my life as he drove but Leo deserved it. Man, did he deserve that and more. No pain on his cheeks would ever suffice to what was happening internally to me. I cried like never before. My mom and friends could offer no comfort. But I toughened up after that; it was the last straw. I swore off men, and promised I'd focus on school. For some long months I was content with my solitude. Rediscovered who Reyna Avila Ramirez Arellano was. Learned to love myself and all that I stood for.

August

August came again and I was drowning myself in work. With the coaxing of my friend I went to a party. After some games with beer, which I wasn't good at, I retreated to the parents study. The walls had bookshelves and I sat on the floor reading the spines but not really touching them. I felt someone sit next to me and he made conversation. Drunk and alone, I was captivated by his marvelous blue eyes and his kind words. He called me the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. I felt a surge of confidence and kissed him the beauty before the books. It went too far because the next thing I knew I was lying on some random bed in the house. My head kept spinning and he kept kissing my neck. His hands were under my shirt, searching for the clasp to my bra in such an aggressive manner that I wasn't the slightest bit aroused. I began to laugh and laugh until he stopped and asked what was "so damn fucking funny". I told him that I wasn't the kind of girl for this. I didn't hook up with some random stranger. He wasn't special. He wasn't anything and he sure as hell didn't deserve my entire being. I left him in that room, puzzled and with a bruised ego.

I didn't say goodbye to anyone at that party. I ran as fast as I could and then called my father to pick me up several miles over.

School began at the end of August and I was excited to begin studying my Spanish and to meet new people. I joined group t school to promote justice and faith and community, so that was something I had to look forward to.

Most of all, I enjoyed the time I had to myself. I was a point in my life where I was content with my appearance, my life and overall, with who I was. I knew what I wanted and what I had to do to get it. I'd never been so sure of myself.

Indeed I did make friends. You won't believe the interesting people I met at school and their stories. God, I live for their stories. What interested me the most was the gifts people brought to my life. I met a girl,beautiful inside and out who was having boy troubles too. Piper didn't let the boys get to her. She was a freshman and wiser than I ever was. Her smile and radiant positivity captivated me. Whenever I'd see her in the hall, I'd forget my woes because only her light existed. My best friend from high school, Jason and I were closer than ever. His older sister, Thalia was transferring from school in New York to mine, Northwestern. I'd never met her before because after their parent's divorce, Thalia had stayed in New York with her father while Jason moved to Chicago with his mom. Anyway, I happened to finally meet her at a back-to-school party. She was cool with her IDGAF attitude and spiky short hair. I thought we instantly hit it off and during the next few weeks we'd see each other periodically. One day I ran into her in the computer lab where she invited me to do some kind of photo-shoot with her best friend, Zoe and Jason.

"I'm feeling inspired!"

Of course, I agreed because why not? She was my best friend's sister and I hadn't seen Jason in a while.

October

We never did end up doing the photoshoot but it suddenly became our ritual to watch a new episode of show together every Wednesday. Thalia was different. Her sense of humor was something I'd never experienced before and I would find myself confused and amused. Jason and Thalia clicked like crazy. They'd laugh at nothing, finish each other's sentences and switch from random topic to another bizarre topic. Most of the time spent with them I was quiet, observing and thinking.

October is always a miserable month for me. My birthday falls on that month and there's something sad about celebrating your birthday with someone important missing. I was stressed that month because it was the first time I ever wanted to celebrate my birthday and my plans backfired. I was also feeling sick...strange. I couldn't place the feeling. It was like a huge mass of darkness was looming overhead waiting to suffocate me.

Eventually this began to take a toll on me. I lashed out at my parents, at my sister Hylla, at classmates and at my friends. I remember one morning laying on the couch in the ministry center, feeling like the worlds biggest piece of poo. I didn't want to go to class. I didn't want to deal with today. I felt hands poke me and found Thalia glaring at me. Her gaze softened when she saw how miserable I looked. She plopped next to me and offered her lap as a cushion while I rested my head. We were quiet. I closed my eyes and she played with my hair. I felt like a baby for that half hour, secure in the touch of a person who cared.

I woke up an hour later on that couch and Thalia was gone. I went to my second class where I checked my messages, full of pictures my ministry friends took while I slept. Things seemed a bit better after because I realized October was coming to an end. Soon the horrible month would be gone for another 12 months. I was feeling great, on top of the world, walking through the halls with my head held high when it happened.

It was like slamming into a brick wall going 90 miles per hour.

I saw Thalia, in her Doors t-shirt, down the hall coming my way. I saw her.

I really saw her. She was the most beautiful thing in my field of vision and all I wanted was for her to tangle her fingers into my hair again. She was coming closer. She saw me and smiled. That smile, a smile only for me. She continued walking, past me, like nothing and I did too. I was weirded out by the sudden butterflies in my stomach and the rapid beating of my heart, that I halted. I turned to watch her go but she was already looking at me. In my head it's such dramatic scene, like something out of the movies, but it's so clear. As if it were just yesterday that this occurred. It gives me chills remembering several months later because that'd the exact moment my life got so fucked up.