Sibling Rivalry, Anxieties, and Love

Rei was trying. He always put the best effort into his studies now that swim season was over and exam season was starting. His last year of high school was supposed to be stressful, he reminded himself. He was trying.

His brother, Kyou, decided to visit. Kyou, who never had to try. Kyou, who was able to get a full scholarship on his grades alone to one of the top universities in Tokyo. Kyou, who graduated top of his class and two years early. Kyou, who never took anything seriously and somehow managed to get accepted into medical school.

Rei was trying really hard to ignore the way Kyou decided to waltz back into his life. Interrupting his own study time to laugh and brag about his achievements. A wave of nausea hitting Rei as Kyou talked to their parents. Their parents were always so invested in Kyou's life.

As Rei sat at the dinner table with his family he bristled with jealousy he would never admit to. He could only sit in silence as his brother rambled on, always the talker, to impress their parents. And as usual his banter was working its charm.

"So what have you been up to, kid?" His brother leaned in to steal a piece of fish from Rei's plate without asking.

"Studying for exams," Rei answered sharply.

Rei caught the glint in Kyou's eye as he spoke, "Why? With your grades you can't be expecting to get into a top university."

And with those words Rei wasn't feeling hungry anymore. He pushed his plate to the side.

"Kyou, your brother has been working very hard." Their mom smiled at Rei.

Which Rei was thankful for. It eased the sick feeling in his stomach. His legs shook under the table, itching for a run. Maybe he'd go on one. He would just have to excuse himself.

Oh ΜΆ but his brother was right about his grades. He would need near top scores to get into a good school. Maybe staying locked in his room to study would be the better option.

Rei ended up excusing himself from the table shortly after the conversation. He couldn't be in the same room with his brother.

But that didn't stop his brother from following him into his room. As Rei sat down on the floor to try to study, his brother thought it to be an appropriate time to sit on his bed. And Rei tried his best to ignore him. He really did. But then Kyou started to dig through Rei's drawers.

"What are you doing?" Rei was losing his tolerance.

"You don't have any porn?" Kyou obscenely said. He grabbed a book and flipped through the pages.

Rei stood up, swiping the book out of his hands, "Why would I have something like that?"

"Because everyone kind of does?" Kyou continued to dig through his stuff.

Rei watched, slightly unsure of what to do, as he rummaged through his business. "Well, I don't," Rei stuttered out.

"What? Are you gay?" Kyou joked as he pulled out a pill box.

Rei glared at him.

Kyou didn't bother to look up. He opened the pill box and dug through the contents. It was a normal Sunday through Saturday box, already halfway finished with. Full of prescription pills and vitamins. Kyou lifted up his Xanax pill laid out for the next day.

He gave Rei a knowing smile, "Don't mind if I borrow this."

"That's saying that you will be able to return it," Rei mumbled to himself.

Kyou carelessly threw the box back in the drawer he found it. He swallowed the pill dry and got up to leave. When he got to the door, and Rei thought he could finally get time to study, Kyou turned back around.

Smiling, Kyou spoke quietly enough so their parents in the room across the hall wouldn't hear, "It sucks that you're gay and fucked up."

And that made Rei tremble with fear and pure hate. Agitated, he waited until Kyou left the room. He changed into his track suit. Rei grabbed his phone and headphones. He told his parents he was going out and wasted no time doing so. He took off jogging, slowly at first to warm up. And then he pumped his legs faster. Breathing hard, the chill of the night air hitting the back of his throat.

He needed this, he reminded himself. He kept telling himself not to listen to his brother's words. Not to listen to anything his brother said. Not to worry about needing to skip a day on one of his medications. He was okay. He could study, and pass his exams with no worries. It was okay.

Somehow in his run he ended up at Nagisa's house. He paused and stared at the door.

Gay and fucked up.

The words rang in his mind. A chill ran through his spine. He felt gross and tainted. He turned off his music and flipped to Nagisa's name in his phone. He listened to it ring two times before Nagisa answered.

"Rei-chan, you never call this late!" Nagisa's chipper voice answered.

Rei remained quiet, still trying to steady his breathing. He realized what a dumb, reckless idea this was. Nagisa wouldn't want to be bothered. This was his own problem.

No. Rei had to reassure himself that wasn't true.

"Rei?" Nagisa's voice was heavy with concern.

"I'm outside," Rei finally spoke.

Nagisa opened the front door shortly after, phone still in hand. Rei stared blankly. Suddenly overwhelmed, he didn't know what to do next.

Luckily, Nagisa did. Nagisa invited him inside and heated up tea the Hazuki household got just for Rei. Rei looked at the clock and realized that it was already ten. He was annoying Nagisa by showing up, he just knew it. Nagisa was just trying to be nice.

"What's wrong?" Nagisa wrapped his arms around Rei.

Stiffly, Rei moved away from Nagisa's touch. And Nagisa let him.

They waited for the tea to finish being made and then Nagisa led them back to his room. Rei watched as he turned on the television and flopped onto his bed. Rei sat down next to him and they watched a game show together.

Halfway through, Nagisa looked up to Rei, "Feel better?"

Rei set down his mug, "I'm so sorry."

He could feel his sweat drying, making him feel dirty. What was he hoping to accomplish? Nothing. Everything was for nothing. All of his hard work would never pay off. Worthless. Filthy. Disgusting.

Nagisa rubbed his head on Rei's arm. "You didn't answer my question, Rei-chan."

Rei felt himself leaning towards Nagisa's touch. Nagisa always made him feel so warm and good.

Fucked up.

Rei winced at his thoughts and wrapped his arms around Nagisa. Nagisa accepted the sweaty embrace. In return he wrapped his arms around Rei.

And Rei couldn't control the way his body convulsed as he let out loud sobs. Weeks of stress being released all at once. He clung onto Nagisa as he rambled about his night. The surprise visit from his jerk of a brother. Nagisa listened, wiping away tears from Rei's cheeks.

Nagisa kissed his eyelids and then kissed Rei. Holding Rei's face in his hands, Nagisa smiled. Bright and beautiful, the smile that made Rei's stomach do flips.

"You're not gross or fucked up. You're Rei. Smart, beautiful Rei." Nagisa placed a quick kiss to Rei's forehead. "And I love you," He kissed Rei's lips, "and I'm here for you." He looked into Rei's eyes, "Always."

Sniffling, Rei gave him a small smile in return. Nagisa always made him feel better. He made him feel worth it. The knots in his stomach were still there. He was still overstressed, tired, and worried. But he felt okay with it. He was okay.

"I love you," Nagisa blushed at the sincerity of his own words.

Rei pulled Nagisa into a tight hug, "I love you too."

after school blues.