Author: Atsureki
Disclaimers: I don't own Weiss and the song Forever not yours belongs to AHA or whoever owns it.
Warnings: Shounen-ai, OOC, ANGST!!!, tear-jerker *sobs*, song-fic.
Notes: I needed a box of tissues for this one, so if you're sensitive like me you might want to bring some *sighs*. Italic indicates thoughts. This is written in first person Aya's POV except one part which is from Ken's POV.
Forever Not Yours'Hold me tight
This is a lonely night
And I've hurt you baby
Because you are my light
Make me strong
Just like you make me weak
When your hands reach out for me
Even in your sleep'
Look at him. I don't even think he knows how amazing he is or how good he looks. He's playing soccer with the children and the smile on his face is so beautiful. I've ended up by the soccer-field again. It happens a lot lately. I go out for a walk and I automatically end up here. I don't understand why. Ken doesn't know, but I know that if he did he'd be glad to see me. I sigh and turn around to walk away.
It's hard for me to look him in the eyes these days, so very hard. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this, but I'm not as strong as people think I am. Inside I feel like I'm just a scared little boy who wants to run to his mommy for comfort. But I don't have a mommy anymore, or a daddy for that matter. What I have is a sister who probably never will wake up again and a lover who I'm keeping in the dark. Pathetic isn't it?
I don't want to hide things from Ken but I don't know what to say, how to explain. Sometimes I lie awake at night and just pray that my secret will go away but I know it won't. When that happens I try to think about Ken instead. I can still remember the first time I kissed him. It was so sweet and I have never done anything in my life that felt so right. Ken loves me. That's what keeps me going now but… somehow I can't help but wish that he didn't.
He shouldn't love me, really he shouldn't. Loving me is what's going to ruin him and it's going to be my fault. I really don't want that to happen but what can I do? I've cried, cursed, smashed things, been furious, cried again but nothing I do can change what's about to happen. Fate has made her choice and I'm too weak to fight her. All this thinking is giving me another headache. In about 15 minutes I'll be reduced to a vomiting body of pain and agony. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Ken is the only thing that's keeping me here…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Nights are the worst time for me. Ken is sleeping peacefully on my chest without a clue of the torment I'm in or what I'm about to do to him. The nights are so lonely now and the only thing that comforts me is when Ken holds me tight and he does just that, even when he's asleep. I know I've hurt him in the past, before I could accept that I had fallen in love with him. But Ken forgave me, he always forgives me simply because he is Ken. Ken sees good in everybody, even cold-hearted bastards like me.
For a year he's been the light in my darkness. I know that sounds silly but it's true. With his light he has managed to show me a way that isn't as lonely and miserable as the one I used to walk on. I can feel him shift slightly in his sleep, reach out for me. He always does that. His hand finds mine and holds on to it almost as if he's afraid I'll try to run away.
When our relationship started I was so scared. Ken made me so strong that I felt like I could take on the world on my own, but at the same time he made me so weak that not even my icy mask could help me anymore. But I'm never as weak as I am when his soft hands reach out for mine when he's asleep. Ken's my saviour just as I'm going to be his destroyer. A pang of pain hits my heart and I shudder. I feel so alone, so lost. I know Ken's in my arms but where I'm going he can't follow. I've begged, pleaded, prayed and demanded to be allowed to stay but no one is listening to me.
You think I'm being selfish, don't you? Maybe I am but not as selfish as you might think. Of course I want to stay for my own sake but most of all for Ken's. My leaving will hurt him so badly that I find it hard to breath. There's no way out of this nightmare, no place to hide even though I try to do just that in his arms. You see I have to go away and I don't want to. I don't want to! But I can't stay, I'm not allowed.
Damn here come the tears again. I hate crying and it's not really because I'm ashamed of it, but when I cry and don't manage to hide it from Ken he knows that something's wrong. Besides, crying brings on the headaches and I can barely stand them anymore. I bet there are people out there who would laugh if they knew how easy Fujimiya Aya cries these days. Oh well, if they knew what I'm hiding they'd probably understand, or maybe not. I don't really care either way. Carefully I caress Ken's soft cheek. How I love his skin. It's so warm, smooth and looks like it's gilded in gold in the moonlight. He's mine and I'm his, but not for much longer.
'I'll soon
be gone now
Forever not yours
It won't be long now
Forever not yours'
"Aya?" I turn around to look at him.
"Aa," I answer with that bland voice I always use when there's a possibility that others are around.
"Are you okay Aya?" Ken asks me softly. Any question but that one, please, I beg inside my head. When he asks me that I have to lie and I hate lying to him.
"Why wouldn't I be okay?" I ask back, trying to squirm myself out of lying to the one I love.
"I don't know…" he answers with hesitation. I know it's obvious in my eyes that I'm not okay but I don't want him to worry about me. He'll do just that later, unfortunately. "But lately you've been looking so tired and sometimes I can see that you're in pain." I bite my lip at that. I've tried so hard not to let it show but it looks like Ken can read me better than I thought.
"It's just these headaches," I answer with indifference, desperately begging him not to dig any deeper into the state I'm in.
"Maybe you should see a doctor about them," Ken suggests softly.
"Aa, maybe I should." He checks the kitchen to make sure Yoji and Omi aren't around and then he comes up to me.
"You'd tell me if something was wrong, ne?" he asked quietly and puts his arms around my waist. No, Ken I wouldn't tell you, I didn't tell you, I cry inside but return the embrace. This is so hard and it's tearing me apart inside. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Can someone please help me? I don't want to kill the love and light in those chocolate eyes but I can't save Ken from this. My secret is tormenting me again. Headaches that cut through my brain and the messed up sight. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I'm still young, I don't want to go but no matter how hard I try to hold on to the things I love I'm slipping away.
"Aya?" I hug him tighter, desperately trying to hang on to him but I just continue to slip away. I want to tell him but I can't bring myself to do it, I don't know how TO tell him. Ken can't you see? You're going to be forever not mine just like I'm going to be forever not yours.
'Memories
they keep coming through
The good ones hurt more
Than the bad ones do
The days were high
And the nights were deep
And I miss you baby
I miss you baby'
I can feel that something isn't right. I have a hard time seeing clearly and my head is pounding. Please not now, I beg as my dim sight lands on our target. We're on a mission and I have a feeling it'll be my last. With my katana drawn I sneak closer to the stocky man I'm supposed to kill, but I can barely see him. Quickly I bring down my katana on him and thank the gods that I don't miss. He lets out a gurgled scream before he dies and falls to the floor.
"The target has been destroyed," I say over the link that connects us to each other, trying to sound normal.
"Copy that Abyssinian," Omi answers. "Siberian, Balinese, let's move out." I sheath by katana and turn around only to realize that I can't see anymore. Everything is blurry and dark and I'm scared. I don't know which way is out and I can't think. The headache is awful and I just want to throw up.
"Abyssinian?" That's Ken's voice. I need help, I need him.
"Ken," I manage to choke out as I sink down on my knees. "Ken I can't see." Desperately I rub my eyes but it doesn't help. I was warned that this might happen but I thought I had more time.
"Aya where are you?" Ken sounds like he's panicking. I can't answer, can hardly breathe because I'm throwing up so hard. "AYA!" He's really scared now and I can't tell him that I'm okay. I'm not okay. Finally I get a break from vomiting and curl up on the disgusting floor. Oh god my head feels like it's about to explode. I can hear footsteps and I just want Ken to be here, I'm so scared. "Aya." Never have that voice sounded so beautiful before. Ken kneels beside me and lifts my head into his lap. "Yoji call an ambulance." I want to see Ken's face but my vision is all but gone now.
"Ken." It's barely a whisper. "I'm sorry." I know he's confused and that he can't understand why I'm apologizing to him but I am sorry, sorry that I hid the truth from him, sorry that I'm leaving.
"Sch Aya, everything is going to be alright," he whispers to me and gently caresses my hair. But nothing is going to be all right again. I see memories flash before my unseeing eyes. I can see my sister, whose name I carry, my parents and Ken. There are good memories and there are bad but I treasure them all. Many of them hurt so much but it's not the bad ones. It's the good ones that makes me whimper in pain because I'll never get a chance to create any new. I'll never see Aya-chan smile again, I'll never see my parents loving eyes again and I'll never see Ken's face again. I'm going to miss him so much.
There are so many things about this man that I love. His kindness, his warm smile, his innocence, his love for life, the way his soft hands run through my hair, how his skin feels against mine when we make love and how the love he has for me is so clearly written in his beautiful face.
I'm tired, so very tired and I'm in so much pain. Unfamiliar hands lift me up and away from Ken but I can't struggle. They place me on a stretcher and I can hear one of them asking Ken questions about me. But he doesn't know the answer to why I suddenly got so sick because I never told him. I want to hold his hand but my body can't take the pain anymore. To protect itself it drags me into unconsciousness.
'I'll soon be gone now
Forever not yours
It won't be long now
Forever not yours
I'll soon be gone now
It won't be long now
Forever not
Forever not yours
I'll soon be gone now
Forever not yours
It won't be long now
Forever not yours'
I helplessly watch Aya's pale face as nurses and a doctor connect him to various machines. It's so unreal. They're done now and the doctor turns to me. Maybe I can finally get an explanation to why this is happening. I know that Aya's been acting strange lately, that he's been afraid of something, but he hasn't told me what it is. Sometimes he clings to me in his sleep almost as if he's afraid I won't be there when he wakes up.
"Hidaka-san," the middle-aged doctor says and motions to me to follow him out of the room. I hesitate, I don't want to leave Aya's side but after a moment I sigh and go with the doctor.
"What's wrong with him?" I ask with fear in my voice. I've seen Aya hurt before but never like this.
"I'm Doctor Kawagutchi," he says instead of answering my question. I don't care who he is; I want to know what's wrong with Aya! "Hasn't Fujimiya-san told you about his condition?" He sounds surprised. I don't understand though, Aya doesn't have a condition.
"I… I know he's been suffering from bad headaches and nausea but I…" I stammer and know that whatever this man tells me it isn't going to be anything I want to hear.
"Fujimiya-san has cancer, an aggressive brain-tumour." My chest clench together painfully and I don't think I can breathe. "He was diagnosed three months ago." That explains a lot. It was about three months ago that he started to act strange. Sometimes his eyes look so sad and lost, like he's afraid he's about to lose me.
"What are you doing about it?" I ask rather harsh. Why isn't Kawagutchi trying to save Aya instead of standing there like some idiot?!
"Hidaka-san I don't think you understand. There's nothing anyone can do for Fujimiya-san anymore. The tumour is growing too fast and it's located in a place where we don't dare to risk surgery. It's pressing against the area of his brain that controls his sight." Is this man telling me that, that Aya is dying? I don't understand. Aya is so young, so strong. Why can't they save him?
"Ho… how… long…" I can't even bring myself to say the last words. How am I supposed to deal with only having Aya for another year, six months? Doctor Kawagutchi gives me a sad look that I rather would have done without because it informs me of two things. There really isn't any hope at all and Aya has very little time left.
"Initially we thought he had about five months, but the tumour has been growing so much faster than we suspected. I'd say that he has a few days, a week at the most."
I can hear, understand what he's telling me and yet I can't believe it's true. A few days? A week at the most? I am being told that in a week there'll be no more Aya, ever? I'm going to lose the one person I have left to love? Tears are flowing down my cheeks but I don't really acknowledge them. My hands are shaking so badly and my heart hurts so much I think it's going to break into a million pieces. Aya's mine! They can't just take him away from me like that, I won't let them!
"Y… you're wrong Aya would never… leave me…" I sob and glare at the doctor who just destroyed my world. "He promised me he'd never leave me!" I add with anger and storm back to be by my lover's side. They can't take Aya from me! I need him! Crying hard I cling to his hand, desperately trying to hang on to him so that he doesn't just slip away from me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I can hear the world outside but I can't go there anymore. I know I'm in a coma and still I can hear them. Is this the way it is for Aya-chan? I don't know but I hope she was able to hear my voice when I told her about my illness. The doctor has informed Ken about the state I'm in. I have cancer, a brain-tumour. Three months ago I was given five months to live but I'm not going to last that long. I heard one of the nurses say that the tumour has grown so much faster than they had expected.
Ken is crying and I just want to hold him close and tell him not to shed any more tears for me. It hurts so much to hear him sob himself to sleep beside me every night. If I had known a year ago that this was going to happen I would have stayed away from him. I don't want him to hurt this badly but it's too late for regrets. I'll soon be gone. The cancer has spread like a forest fire through my brain. There isn't any pain now, I can't feel anything at all and I know I'm never going to wake up again.
I heard Omi earlier and he was crying for me too, but I'm not the one they should cry for. Ken is the one who's going to be left behind with the hurt and sorrow. I promised him I'd always be there for him but I can't keep that promise any longer. The room has become quiet except for the beeps from the machine that counts my heartbeats but I know Ken's still here. He has barely left my side since I got here. I don't want to go! I don't want to leave Ken like this, without even getting a chance to say good-bye.
He's touching me, I can feel him. Soft lips press against mine and I want to taste him so badly but I can't move or open my eyes. It won't be long now. The beeps are getting fewer and fewer, I'm slipping away. My lungs release their final breath. Ken is screaming for help but it's too late now. I'm already gone; my brain just hasn't received the information yet. I really wish I could see his face one last time before I leave… There are so many things I want to tell him, show him but there's no more time. Ken, you are forever not mine and I am forever not yours. Then finally my heart stops and it's all over…
'I'll soon be
gone now
Forever not yours
It won't be long now
Forever not yours'
~OWARI~
*wipes her eyes* I'm sorry minna-san but this song-fic demanded to be written. *blows nose* I can't believe I cried so much over something I wrote myself…
I don't usually do song-fics and I have never written anything in First person so I probably sucked at it but please do tell me what you thought about this minna-san. Ja/Atsureki