a/n: I wrote this in after unexpectedly listening to some Demi Lovato songs. And while listening to her surprisingly wonderful song Everything You're Not and I was inspired to write this fanfiction, hopefully you guys like it.
Also, I wonder who can spot the Firework by Katy Perry reference I threw in here. ;D But before you go and read this I'd like to issue a warning: it's a little dark and isreally angsty, it's also depressing (I guess).
Plus, lets just pretend that there was no Finn/Quinn, Sam/Santana and Santana/Brittany action in Glee. Okay? 'Kay.) So, uh, I kind of thought this was good, but I actually kind of dislike it now. The ending seems weak, like it could have been done better and the whole thing seems repetitive, so I'm sorry. I promise I'll get it right next time around. :)
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still trapped inside a broken angel's misery
we're only left with ourselves
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It's raining so hard she can't see through the rim of the wind.
She's not sweet like Brittany or smart like Quinn or Rachel; but she's smart enough to know that the truth stings, to know how badly it hurts and how it can shatter people into little pieces, sometimes the torture is well-deserved and sometimes it isn't, but she doesn't really care. She's learned to deal with it, emotions can be twisted and played with, walls can be shattered, and distances can be made, she's learned to build walls and shatter them with just a few words.
Santana's memorized the formula of the life she lives at least a million times — smile when someone tries to break her, memorize their weaknesses and use them to the full extent, and avoiding being ruthless and merciless will get her nowhere. Somehow, this highly effective formula still puts her off-track, makes her lose her balance, and causes her world to seep into gray, its okay though. It's always okay as long as she leaves without a bruise or a scar.
She looks around her, smiles being exchanged, songs being sung, and feet swirling around the room. Santana listens to the different words with different meanings being put into song, and looks at the hi-fives being exchanged. All this while as everyone dances around her, she looks to the right and catches Finn's glance. Because she's who she is, she walks up to him and links their fingers.
She kind of remembers the name of the song she used to sing in kindergarten (rain, rain, go away, come again another day..) and then she almost smiles, because memories come flooding towards her and she remembers the first time she linked pinkies with Brittany.
She lets him kiss her under the moonlight, it's not raining as much as it was earlier, but little drizzles still fall and slide against her skin nevertheless. Santana closes her eyes and starts to run out of oxygen, but just for a moment before the edges of the world beneath her eyelids fall off, seep further into gray and spin around frantically, she thinks that on some extent she could be happy, but knows more than anyone that she won't.
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It hurts too much sometimes.
She looks at herself in the mirror, for a brief second and stares, but then she walks away from the glittering glass almost instantly. She sees too much of her mother, too much of the woman who slides herself under bed sheets and pretends that she isn't a falling, she sees the image of black hair, shining brown skin and a dark soul to match her dark personality.
She tears the pictures but saves the pieces, because even though she knows that the words mean nothing, she likes to look at them because her world hasn't blurred into gray yet, and even though her smiles are barely genuine, she knows she isn't completely lost and there's still hope for her to fix what's broken (there has to be). She knows because she sleeps with the night light on nights she feels scared and alone, and solely for that reason alone she feels that she finally seems real.
She falls asleep with his name on her lips and a bottle sliding towards the floor.
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Sometimes, she thinks she really, really hates Brittany.
She hates her because everyone always prefers Brittany over her, she hates that the first time she gets drunk everyone stays away from her, but then when Brittany gets drunk for the first time they all smile and laugh and say she's just so endearing and adorable. She hates how they all smile and welcome Brittany to New Directions with open arms and they all like her, but they flinch when she takes the seat next to them.
(She loves her so much it's easier to hate her.)
It's not like she likes being mean or betraying her friends; she has to betray them so that they won't beat her to the punch first. It's part of her formula; be merciless and ruthless, and even though it's lonely at the top, she still smirks like she has the time of her life. But then Finn gets a little too close, a little too cute, and she thinks about him way more than she should.
He smiles at her and she replies with a glare, but then she turns around and smiles a little to herself and it's easier to pretend that nothing's broken. Santana never lets Finn call her his girlfriend, but they still let their gazes linger and she brushes her hands against his and leans against his locker and sleeps on his couch. He still helps her out and she never thanks him, but she gives him a rare smile every now and again.
Finn kind of wishes she'd smile at him more, because she looks captivating when she smiles and he likes the way her eyes light up and as gold lingers in her steps. Everything she does is magic; to him, and her whole world stops for a brief moment when he holds her hand.
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She thinks she's being haunted; she feels things lingering on her and eyes staring at her.
She hears what people think she doesn't; whispers, little voices that drag under her feet and invade her ears. She thinks what other people don't expect; pictures in black and white, tear-stained cheeks and hushed cries that are barely above whispers. So she slides inside, pressing a bottle to her lips and basking in the dreadfulness of everything, and then in a split second she sees her life flash before her eyes.
Finn finds her; somehow, slumped under the roof and her mascara's running but she doesn't really care. He gives her a look that's not sympathetic; he knows better than to make her feel like crap when she's at her worst, but he does gives her a look of sheer horror and she can't really decide which one's better or worse. Sliding beside her and listening to the sound of the rain, he looks at her.
"How long?" Finn asks as look of sheer concern hovers his eyes. She doesn't ask how long what because she knows better, and even though she doesn't even need to open her mouth and let the words float because he already knows the answer, she still replies for a while in a stony voice before proceeding to drink down the rest of her worries.
"Santana—" He tries, but it comes out swallowed and strangled. She brushes her windswept hair, and then when she turns to look at him he realizes her eyes are wet. Sniffing and breaking the painfully long silence, she strings along with the lace of her combat boot and says I feel like I'm drowning.
She doesn't miss the way he shakes a little and brushes his hand against hers, and suddenly the painful silence doesn't seem that painful anymore, it seems more icy and unnecessary. As she drinks down her last scoop, she grabs her handbag and gets up, but just as she's about to leave he grabs her hand.
Stay? He asks, and he sounds genuinely concerned and a little needy. She looks down at him, and her eyes are dry as she turns on her heel and gulps back her breath, her heartbeat racing.
I don't want to. She pauses, and it feels like a punch in the gut or a slap in the face. I don't want to end up like her.
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She breathes heavily, her eyes damp and tired, the white walls staring back at her.
It rains all week, all the time now, and she never sees sunshine again, but she figures Finn's smile is as good as she's gonna get. She's a traitor, he doesn't care, he still tells her that she's awesome sometimes (he's never really all that good with words, and sometimes he has this dumb look on his face that makes her want to burst out laughing, and it feels good to feel again).
He spins her around and make her feel, but she steps on the boundaries and sinks her teeth into despair and destruction. It burns, and she's attracted to it, but she figures she's rubbing off on him. She's danger, she's pain and sorrow and she figures he's a masochist, since the fights and empty threats are what he's longing for sometimes. She's attracted to fire like a moth is to a flame, and she gets burned every time.
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She's reckless; it's a well-known fact.
She needs to feel fire on her tongue and ice down her throat to feel alive, her hair is windswept and her eyes light up because she's alive and running. She's also still trying to hide the cracks underneath her; they rub and scratch everyone she cares about.
"I could love you," he says, and she looks up with wet eyes and oh no - he's seeing her crying. She wants to slam her head against a row of lockers or fall into a smirk and cook up some excuse but somehow, she knows he can see right through her. Something churns inside her stomach and she almost groans because she's made the mistake of staying too close, spending too much time with him, and now she has to face the consequences.
"Don't," she says; her voice barely over a whisper. "Don't love me; you can't because no one can." She looks down at her sneakers and tears like waterfalls come flooding towards her, but she chokes them back and when she looks up, he's staring at her, eyes almost damp. She waits until he falls asleep on the sofa before sliding out of his doorstep and tiptoeing back home.
She has to suck in her breath several times when the word home kicks in, but she marvels over how she could be better at this, at keeping herself together and pushing all of the boundaries away. He's fallen for her, somehow, and she doesn't know why or what to say. She still drinks, still parties, still jumps from one guy to another and she still falls into destruction every time, but he somehow makes her feel good, like she's something worth living for.
So she curls up behind him and listens to the sound of his breathing until it lulls her to sleep.
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She hears voices, little voices whispering in her ear.
She breathes in heavily and she feels as if her heart is cracking, because her vision blurs and words seep and the room spins whenever she hears his name, whenever she's reminded of the many nights they've spent together just watching TV and last year's movies. He looks at her with empty eyes and even though his love is broken and she doesn't deserve it, she wishes she does.
It's still raining; it's stormy and strong winds are blowing around her. Her hair is windswept and her eyes are damp and her heart is racing, she feels little drips of rainwater sliding against her skin and making a shiver go down her spine. Santana suffocates a little under the freezing air and her head starts to throb; the blue ink bleeds through the note and stains her fingers.
She's falling, she can feel her heart slipping and shattering and she can't take it. She travels the world, different places, new cities and towns with completely unfamiliar people lurking around every corner. She misses glee club - even though they'd get defaced and laughed at, it was still the best part of her day. Her feet slides against the floor and her hair spins whenever she dances, her eyes light up and she laughs and it's genuine.
She misses feeling because her vision blurs and she parties so hard that her bottle slips from her grasp and lands on the floor, but they never break into pieces. She's almost upset - she likes seeing things shatter, break, being torn into half and thrown away because she'd feel like she's not alone. But she is - people's wounds are healing and hers are growing deeper, she's sinking and sinking and drowning.
Santana Lopez wants to feel, wants to be reckless and passionate, she'd give anything to have that feeling back. Finn Hudson wants to laugh - with her, he'd give anything to see her smiling at her again. She's broken, though, and he's broken and everything's messed up but for some reason he doesn't seem to mind.
She feels like throwing up because really - there's nothing to live for anymore.
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She's suffocating.
Santana's throat is clogged and she can't breathe, but maybe that's a good thing. She feels the world slipping from her grasp and she fell, she was always destined to, but she doesn't really feel anything but a churn in her stomach and can't help but think, I should have known.
Her perfect formula is flawed; it doesn't matter that she can shatter people, she's not whole herself either. She somehow heals their wounds and make hers go deeper, she sinks into depression and hatred and everything's so freaking messed up. She doesn't laugh, not even at people anymore because it feels wrongwrongwrong. Her vision blurs and her smiles aren't genuine and her laughs are forced.
She tries to breathe, but she fails, and the rain is pummeling against her skin and her eyes are stinging. She sticks her hands in her pockets and rain pelts on her jet-black locks, and she can see the airport on the other side of the town. She has to run, somehow, hide under a damned tree and block out the sounds and echoes that haunt the dark and she can't take it.
Something's eating her alive and making her feel anxious and wary, she's buried six feet under and screams at the top of her lungs (and yet, no one seems to hear a thing). She thinks her flesh is burning because everything seems so scary, so dark, so damned haunting. She thinks she's scared because for the first time in a really, really long time she's afraid to lose.
She curls under her pillow and blanket and the tears flow, and even though she's broken his heart at least a million times, Finn still comes back and lets her sob into his shoulder. She breathes in heavily and then her head pounds and the room is slipping, and the cracks under the foundation and glitter and smiles just break open, refusing to let any sunshine or smiles come in.
Powerful storms hit the city and everyone hides in their houses and dock away from the roads, but she swallows the fear and runs out in the rain. Rainwater pummels against her skin and a shiver runs down her spine, but she feels alive and ready and damned real, and she spins and she almost laughs. Finn looks at her with damp eyes and a look of horror steals his face, but then she turns to him and breathes in the misty atmosphere.
(Despair clogs her world and invades his).
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She kisses him because she's tired, because she can't think of anything else, because she's lost.
When she pulls away, she thinks her eyes are wet, but he looks at her with empty eyes and his breathing is heavy. All she can really see is black and white pictures of everyone she's ever somewhat cared about; even Brittany made it big; a world-class dancer with Mike attached to her left arm. She feels the world slipping from her fingertips and everyone goes forward, but she goes down.
I love you.
Three words, eight letters, and then her whole world breaks. She looks at him, eyes wet and sparkling and bright and beautiful, and even though the color drains from her face and her hands shake, she still feels an overwhelming sense of hatred and anger overtaking her. Why? She hisses, pushing him away with her arms as she sniffs.
Why do you love me?
When he doesn't answer, she stares at him for a full minute before turning on her heel and walking away. She walks slowly, gradually, like she wants to waste as much time as possible. She can't bring herself to run because she'd look like she's scared; so she just drowns in her dreams and despair and lets him think that in reality she's upset and disappointed.
She stays awake all night, looking at the glittering glass behind the television and drinking down the cool liquid from the bottle in her hands. She feels tears leaking down her cheeks but she doesn't care anymore; it doesn't matter, nothing's right and everything's wrong. She doesn't feel safe and protected because her whole world comes crashing down, but he has to come over and wrap his arms around her.
She falls into despair, into sadness, and tries to fix the broken pieces but to no avail.
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Seconds, hours, so many days.
She breathes; she thinks she sees the world flashing before her. She's not as cliché as everyone apparently thinks she is; she doesn't see her life flashing before her eyes, she sees the world and images that never really worked. Hazy memories and forced laughs and wet eyes flash before her eyelids and her heart races excessively as she wipes her tear-stained cheeks.
She sees the hotel looming at the end of the road, her hands stained with tears and broken memories, she remembers the derisive snorts and cheerleading outfits that kept her secured and beautiful. She wishes that she could've held onto it but she let her feelings get in the way of everything, not to mention Finn blocking her mind and ending up in her daydreams.
She raises her hand in the air before seeing a flash of blonde hair and her heartbeat suddenly picks up. She sees a look that's so solemn it scares her more than her actual sudden appearance. "Brittany?" Santana whispers in disbelief, her voice breathy and raspy. Brittany pulls down the black hoodie she has over her head for a brief moment to confirm Santana's speculation before pulling her hoodie back and slipping on her sunglasses again.
"I can't believe you'd do that." Brittany says; her face utterly solemn as hurt and disappointment trails her soft tone. "I can't believe you'd do that to Finn, San. I mean I know you're mean and stuff and sometimes you do really, really questionable misdeeds—" Santana blinks at the unexpected use of word choice. "—But I honestly thought you were better than that."
She wants to say I did it because I cared but doesn't quite dare. She knows what she did; she tore him into little pieces, took his heart and shattered it into a million pieces, a million times. She doesn't understand how her perfect formula went wrong, where she messed up; maybe she stood a little too close, sunk a little too deep and ended up falling harder than she would've liked to.
"I loved him." She says, almost inaudibly, but Brittany looks at her like she's some monster. Santana looks up and repeats it, this time with more anger and relish, but her tone still stays depressed and hurt. Brittany sighs, the soft curls shaking as she shakes her head like a disappointed mother. Turning on her heel and walking down the sidewalk, she tells Santana that it doesn't even matter.
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She breathes in, little drizzles landing on her skin, and looks up at the thunderclouds that cover the once blue sky. Santana almost yells, almost shouts, and almost breaks into a fit of uncontrollable anger because she hates how everything's weighing down on her. She breaks people, deliberately and unintentionally, and even people who love her (like her friends and boyfriends and glee club and Finn and—).
It's dead; her world and her smile and her laugh and she'll never spin and her eyes won't sparkle again.
She sinks under her bed sheets, her hands stained and lying against the wooden bedside and she breaks down before the raindrops splatter. She stands beside the sidewalk when the rain finally stops and as she can finally breathe, she sees cars racing by and speeding around the road. She thinks she sees the airport at the other side of the road; it's looming and bright and she just wants to remember.
She runs across the road, eyes focused on the airport, and suddenly she's remembering the songs that she sung, the solos that she got and the nights that she spent. She remembers kisses under the moonlight and smiles that weren't genuine, she remembers sliding against the floor and laughing at nothing before remembering linking their fingers together.
She sees glass pummeling into her skin, blood rising from her arms and legs, and glitter falls down on her. She and the driver are killed, but before blackness and tears sets in, her world lights up slightly as she remembers the lopsided grin that used to make her smile and the last thing she hears is a little voice whispering to her before her hand falls against the road.
(Like mother, like daughter. You did end up like her.)
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He looks at the sky; filled with colorless clouds, planes flying, and rain pummeling so hard he can't see.
Finn likes to wake up in the middle of the night and pretend it was just a nightmare; he likes pretending that she's on the next pillow laughing into his skin and smiling up at him for once. He likes to pretend that he traces his finger along her skin and looks at the wedding rings on their fingers. He thinks it's unfair; that she dies and he lives when he doesn't even get to hear her saying those three words, eight letters to him.
Brittany cries and cries and cries into his shoulder, mumbling that it was all her fault because she said those things to Santana that made her go down. And because he's a good guy he pats her back and comforts her but doesn't say a word; he knows its better that way. Finn sees Rachel shooting him a look of sympathy and sadness, clearly more than willing to put aside grudges and hateful words.
He knows things; that she was afraid of falling, of falling in love or falling out of a life of pleasure and riches, he knows that she always wanted to be on top and that she didn't want to let anything get her down. Finn also knows that she was afraid of becoming like her mother, but she evidently did, which upset her immensely.
Finn also thinks she knew the beauty of the rain despite the fact that she couldn't handle it; he knows that she loved seeing things breaking because she'd like knowing that she isn't alone. He knows that she had always wanted perfection and adoration but didn't want love since she was too afraid of scarring people and breaking them. She didn't want love because she automatically scars people and couldn't take the heartache of it all.
Brittany sniffs; her eyes damp and tears leaks down her cheeks. "She was my best friend; she was my first ever friend and that's really special, you know?" She says, turning to look at him with her big doe eyes and tired expression. Finn looks at her, really looks at her with wet eyes and tousled hair and shaking hands.
"She wasn't my first kiss or my first love, but she was my first time and also my last." He says, and as the rain falls against the pavement, he excuses himself from everyone else and takes a walk in the rain. Finn's hair falls wet against his face, his eyes are empty and his chest feels tight, and then he sniffs and breathes in and tears leak down his face.
So now, whenever rain falls, despite his location or the person with him, it never fails to remind him of her. He remembers her smiles, her laugh, her kisses and her touch, he remembers how good it was to feel with her, all the things that were left unsaid and unheard (and he doesn't, won't ever, remember what sunshine looks like anymore, his world crashes into pieces along with him).
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won't you stay, even for a day?
(just one day)
i'll forever remember your name.
(i'll never ever stop. unless you want me to).
don't forget me because i can't forget you
(it's too hard).
so stay by my side and—
you'll forever remain in my heart.